Thankfulness.

Thankfulness is not about ignoring the true pain or the difficulties that you might actually be experiencing in life, but its about putting them into context. About putting them into their right place within your life& within the story of God.



-Aaron Stern


These last few months have been interesting, to say the least.
But I can truthfully, honestly, and sincerely say that I am thankful.
I am thankful for everything God has done thus far.
I am thankful for what He is teaching me.
I am thankful for what He has done in my life& how He is working behind the scenes, even when I don't see how.
And I am slowly becoming more& more able to say that I am thankful that He loves me enough to give AND take away, because it is teaching me how to open my hands to Him, keeping nothing "off limits" from Him, and letting go of my control-freak nature.
I can't control everything anyway, so why do I try?
He does it so much better. And I thank Him.

I truly serve such an incredible, indescribable God.
His character & His tenderness are causing me to fall more in love with Him every day.
God, make me like Jesus.

White Christmas.

Happy day-after-Christmas!!! 364 days!!

Okay, so anyone who has known me longer than 2 weeks [or two minutes, depending on the conversation] knows that I love-love-love Christmas, cold weather, and snow.

I watched White Christmas tonight. I know some people don't like classics [you crazy kids] or musicals [I am one of them... except for some classics& The Newsies], but this movie is fantastic, and is absolutely one of my favorite Christmas classics, songs, dances, and all. It makes me want to be a dancer &/or take voice lessons.

I'm so glad I'm going to Colorado in 9 days, because if I were just staying here in Southern California, I'd be super bummed out with our non-snowy winter-- especially after that movie! I'm thinking next year will hopefully be my first white Christmas [or white December, at least, since I'd be back here for Christmas] and that brings a lot of excitement.

It also gets me thinking about my list of places I need to visit:

First on the list:
New Zealand. Hands down. Not gonna lie, since I saw the first LOTR film, I've been bent on visiting New Zealand, because its absolutely gorgeous. I have an offer to stay with the Erickson family, so once I get time off/airfare taken care of, I'm there! I want to see the southern lights [aurora australis], which I hear is visible in certain parts of New Zealand and Australia. GOODNESS.

Next:
Vermont. If you've seen White Christmas, you get it.

Maine. I saw a painting of Acadia National Park, which is located in Bar Harbor/Mt. Desert Island. I've never been to the East Coast, have always wanted to go, and have recently become interested in Maine & Massachussetts, after looking at one too many copies of Architectural Digest. I wanted to move to Maine when I had plans to be a marine biologist, so I'm definitely interested in visiting. I also have a friend from Maine who had a wild blueberry patch near her house, which is a baker's dream!

Finland. I have a Finnish friend, and every photo she's ever shown me is exactly what I imagine the Garden of Eden to look like. Paradise. I can't even explain how beautiful the photos are, so I'm itching to go to see it in person, and quite possibly be rendered speechless.

England. I've been to London twice, and I was looking at a few photos the other day, which just made me miss it and want to go back to visit friends there.

Louisiana. But not for any purpose besides going to New Orleans. Definitely not in the summer, but sometime. It has long been a major point of interest to me. I mean, how could it not? The culture, the architecture, the music! I love all different types of jazz, and have since I was a little girl and my dad would put on records of Louis Armstrong, Count Basie, Duke Ellington, Dave Brubeck, Jon Coltrane, Tito Puente, Miles Davis, Bill Evans, and of course, my favorite: Ella Fitzgerald.

Dang. It seems like everything lately is triggering more and more travel goals. I don't make nearly enough money for this...
Hmm. Change is good.

Further Up/Further In

Last year, for just one moment You came near as time stood still; You crushed my wits.
The hairs on my neck all stood stiff; everything made sense.
There was not one rift in anything I could see. You were the only thing I could see.



I hear whispers. Come away, come away, come away my love...
You sound closer. Come away, come away, come away my love...


Joy weakens me like a wound. Oh, You're coming closer and it's hard to take in that I have wasted so much fear and devotion. But there's no time left for my regrets when You're calling.


In my dreams we throw all the mountains into the sea, and there's no distance left.
We all coalesce and sprint across the peaks.
We have no blood to bleed and we need no sun to see.
Time is dead, death has passed, the past is banished and forgotten.
Long live the King!




I hear whispers. Come away, come away, come away my love...
You sound closer. Come away, come away, come away my love...


Joy weakens me like a wound. Oh, You're coming closer and it's hard to take in that I have wasted so much fear and devotion. But there's no time left for my regrets when You're calling me beloved.


I know that You promised You would make us a home. You said You'd come soon, but it's been so long. It's hard to be patient, when I feel You come close. But I must remember that Your ways are different.


You call all times soon. You call all times soon....
I hear whispers. Come away my love, come away, come away...
You sound closer. Come away my love, come away, come away...

I absolutely LOVE My Epic. Their lyrics are ridiculous. In the best way.

Complex Simplicity.

Our culture teaches, and our sinful nature believes, that the biggest story is our own.
History began and ends with the story of God and only when we allow our story to become part of His much bigger story are we able to become who God made us to be.



-Justin Holcomb

How I wish I could speak my mind sometimes...

...Then I'm glad I have a filter between my mind& my mouth, and decide to post it as a blog instead.

Because I can delete it in a few days. :)

I really don't like stereotypes. But I especially can't stand it when people throw themselves into a stereotypical role, as if that's what is expected from them. Please know you don't have to be who people say you are.

In this last week, I've seen/heard so many "Girls are evil" and "Guys are stupid" comments. UGH. I must say, I know some fantastic girls& incredible guys. None of whom I'd ever classify as stupid or evil, but as intelligent, fun, & genuine.
Oh, the boxes we create. They're so stupid. As was the guy I encountered on the freeway.

Read on...
Dear “That” Guy,
Please know that the way to a girl’s heart is ABSOLUTELY through your car’s ability to cause mini-earthquakes from the pumping bass line in your crappy music. If you look at me& wink, or give me the head nod, or pucker your lips at me while slouched down so low that you can’t see over your steering wheel, I’m yours. Really. Try it. Please. If you’re lucky, I might just roll down my window & throw my number at you.

Some of the Best Things In Life.

1) Weather cold enough to see your breath. Honestly, that day is one of my favorite days every year.

2) Baking in cold, cloudy, rainy weather.

3) The moment when you realize someone is truly grasping Jesus and the proof of His love. I see it in my extended family, and I praise God for His promises being fulfilled before my eyes.

4) Waking up at 6:30 on my day off, although I set my alarm for 7. I was wide awake and had a great time reading this morning. I LOVE waking up early!

5) Epiphanies. Have you ever thought something, never said it, and then finally said it out loud one day, only to realize it is a true, hard fact? And the difference between thinking and knowing? Yeah. That's crazy.

6) Realizing a lack of reciprocity won't kill me.

7) The Way Station, the opportunity to pray with complete strangers, and believing Jesus Himself is interceding on their behalf... and knowing He must have when I'm met with unexpected tears or impulsive hugs. He is so faithful. Always. Unfailingly. Intentionally.

Love Edifies.

“That’s how you know you have a good relationship with someone: when you know their strengths as well as their weaknesses.
But its not just knowledge that matters; its love.
If you know someone, if you know about their strengths & weaknesses, you can destroy them, but Paul used those things to build them up.
There is a difference between flattery and courtesy. Flattery is for your good; what you can get. Courtesy is for their good; to esteem them.”


-Tim Chaddick, bringing the heat. As usual.




A wise man once told me its best to be aware of your weaknesses, but to be known by what you’re for, not defined by what you’re against.

It seems all too easy and all too natural for people to define others by their weaknesses. To pigeon-hole them or to tell them that they have a very serious flaw that they are defined by, whether it be stress, fear, addiction, perfectionism, materialism, depression, worry, anger, etc.

Its so messed up to tell a person, “This is who you are. I’m sorry.”

We need to be aware of our [and others’] weaknesses, and to embrace and support others, rather than A) sticking our heads in the sand and pretending struggles don’t exist or B) Telling people that’s just who they are & that there is no hope for restoration.


People have potential. They are so much stronger than we give them credit for. Than we give GOD credit for, because He has created us in His image, and has sealed us with the Holy Spirit of promise. There is great strength in Him and, therefore, great strength in us, if He is living in us! There is freedom in Christ.

Yeah, we screw up at times, but there is freedom& forgiveness in Jesus, so that we don’t have to be kept under lock& chain by our struggles or sins but to realize, although we screw up, that is not who we are. We are not screw ups. We are not failures. Even if we feel weak, we are not defined by weakness.

Even if we feel stressed, depressed, or overcome with worry or guilt, we are not forced to stay there, simply because there is a word for what we’re experiencing… There is healing, restoration, and a time of being freed and released from those things, if you would only look to Jesus.


He loves you perfectly, and He has shown you grace& mighty strength, and is just waiting for you to actualize it. It may be a crazy thought that Jesus prays for us, but He does. His word says so, therefore its true. With such a powerful Savior on our side, who can be against us? With someone so confident of our success, why do we sit down and confine ourselves to a little box or a title or the fear that we are predispositioned to fail? Or why do we confine others to those boxes, by telling them they aren’t good enough or that they are weak?


Love BUILDS. It does not tear down.

I think we [people in general] need to get back to the art of lifting people up.
Esteeming them.
Not tearing others down with our words, skepticism, or ideas that they just aren’t capable of X, Y, and Z.



“That’s how you know you have a good relationship with someone: when you know their strengths as well as their weaknesses.
But its not just knowledge that matters; its love.”



Believe in someone.
But don’t just say it if you don’t mean it, because that’s empty flattery, which is basically a load of crap.
Say it IF you mean it, and say it like you mean it.

Its a practice I’ve implemented in my life over the last year. I don’t always say it when I think it, because… I don’t know. Fear of being too forward, maybe? Fear or scaring the other person off? Fear of rejection?

But, its cool to realize how many times I’ve put down my defenses to pick up a pen, pick up a phone, or email a person exactly what I believe about them… and you know what?

They won’t always believe you.

I’m sure sometimes people will just think you’re trying to be nice, or trying to find something to say to encourage them or whatever… But just share when you’re prompted, and even if they don’t believe it at the moment, hopefully they will one day realize the genuine honesty and firm confidence behind it.

I’m just saying. Too many relationships [ALL over the spectrum: marriage, dating, friend, family, parent, co-worker, etc.] are failing because of selfishness or lack of cultivation. We need to get back to the basics and love.

Love, love, love.

Because love edifies, and we owe no one anything but to love one another.

A Few of My Favorite Things...

Except, first, I must share two things I find completely worthless.

1) Flat sheets. Seriously? Which genius thought that was a great idea? They're worthless, and I absolutely can't stand them. Since I [apparently] move around so much in my sleep, I wake up with my legs tangled in the sheet, which is as bad as my feet feeling claustrophobic from socks. Boo on flat sheets!

2) Michael Bolton Christmas songs. Okay, really now? That is a surefire way to catapult me right out of the Christmas spirit. Haha. Eww.


Now, onto my favorite things!

1) Filling my gas tank for about $20. So great. Oh, AND driving to LA, around LA, and back on a little over one tank of gas. How's that for gas mileage!

2) Kings of Leon.

3) Visits/calls from Spain friends that make it feel as though we never left. We connect in ways that I don't connect with everyone else, and it is so nice to not have to explain everything I think or mean. I miss those kind of people...

4) Driving with good company or with calls from my best friend.

5) Memories. I've had some pretty bad memories along the way, but God is healing my memories and restoring me in ways I didn't realize I needed it. Now I can remember without being torn apart, and I'm also often reminded of hilarious, special, or wonderful memories... Trips down Memory Lane are pretty fun. :)

6) Realizing I can't drive past the windmills on the 10 freeway without laughing. Haha. So ridiculous.

7) Fireworks!!!!! Regardless of the occasion, whether some kid is setting off fireworks in his backyard, or at the end of a long, fun day at Disneyland, or at the start of the New Year, I just like fireworks!
They make me so happy and, to my shame, make me squeal like a little girl. I can't help it. People say I'm like a monkey [no joke], but I just like shiny things.

8) Football, football movies [We Are Marshall, Remember the Titans, two of my favorite movies] and football nights with friends. As ridiculous as it may sound, if I could be in a [tall] man's body for a day, I'd want to be a football player, to see what it feels like. Would hurt like hell, but still-- how fun!

9) Thrice, My Epic, Carney, MuteMath, and the rest of my Drive Time playlist.

10) Reminiscing about my favorite memories of Europe:

-Cliff jumping into the Mediterranean.

-Open air markets.

-Leading a trip to Valencia last minute [although, I admit, I was terrified to have so many plane tickets& hundreds of Euros in my possession!], and exploring Spain with 5 other people with nothing but a tiny map [thankfully given to us by a sympathetic American girl on the train] and a guy with a good sense of direction as our guides.

-Melissa& I sightseeing in London for 4 days, drinking way too much tea, seeing the Greenwich Maritime Museum, the Queen's House, and Aslan statues in Piccadilly Circus.

-Paul& Jimmy mimmicking names of the Metro stops in Rome [Next stop, Termini!]... for the first 5 minutes, before it got old.

-Sitting in the Apostle Paul's prison in Rome, and being hit by reality.

-Seeing the Beauty& the Beast library at the British Library!
-Driving through orchards and being given a history lesson by an old Mallorquin man, and climbing up old war towers to be given more ancient history lessons by Raf.


Such great times. Such great travels. And they're not over. Next stop, Northern Lights! But Colorado first!

Amazed.

You dance over meWhile I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound

Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me

How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me


How wide, O how wide Lord
How deep, O how deep Lord
How great, O how great
Is Your love for me


Lord I'm amazed, amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed, amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed, amazed by You
How You love me


Max sang this song on Sunday night. It was my 2nd time ever hearing it.
Let me tell you what, this song is exactly describing what God is teaching me in my life right now.


I noticed recently that my life seems to be punctuated by perfectly placed songs… If you ever look at my blog archives, you can actually tell what I’m going through/learning by the songs God specifically places on my heart at any given time. I know He is the one giving them, because oftentimes I have dreams about them, wake up singing them [literally], or am suddenly singing a song I’ve never heard before, only to Google it and realize its a real song.


Its so neat. :) I love that God chooses to speak through music, because He knows how much I love it.


Recently, my life’s songs—my soundtrack, I guess—have been “How You Love Me” [I don’t know who sings/wrote it originally, but I have the version by The Glorious Unseen], Moving Forward by Israel Houghton, and, as of Sunday, this song.

"I spent too long wanting what was taken from me, not what was given."
-Prince Caspian; The Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

That movie was great, and this quote came out of left field, but in a good way.
Instead of looking at what was, what could have been, and wondering what is to come, I just want to be amazed by my Lord& my God... To be so focused on His unfathomable love, and to be so wrapped up in Him that He is primary and all other things are secondary, tertiary, etc. He cannot simply be prominent in my life; I want Him to be preeminent.
To be so much higher than any other interest, affection, or goal that I have, so that He may always be my number One.

He knows my life& my future so, while I am deeply interested and invested in my life& doing it right and not having deep regrets, I realize that I don't have to allow my plans & "unknowns" to consume me or stress me out, because God's got me in the palm of His hand. If I want to live life right, to please Him, to know Him more, to love Him and be loved by Him, I simply need to keep my eyes on Him, to surrender all of my dreams, plans, & ambitions to Him daily [which is SO much harder than it sounds, but it pays off], and to look to Jesus' example and follow that, by the strength& enabling of the Holy Spirit.


1 Peter 3:4. I can’t describe how much God is doing in my life, and how He is revealing His beauty to me in a way that makes me fall more in love with Him. After all He’s done for me and is continuing to do, I just want to be precious in His sight, to love Him back, and to enjoy Him. He is so worth it.

Love.

Of course, my other blogsite is down again.
Boo.

Find "theMILL" podcast on iTunes. Listening to STORY: Love.

Let me tell you what, this is going to be the precursor to that blog I was telling you about, single ladies. Seriously.

Extraordinary.

This word comes up in my life surprisingly often. Or maybe unsurprisingly often. I don't know.
[You guys know I'm not a foo-foo kind of girl who uses flowery language, and I try to use my vocabulary carefully, right? Well, I do. So remember that.]
Truth be told, it is something I have hungered for [there it is] for years of my life: Extraordinary.

I want to be a person who lives a life outside of my own strength.
Who possesses a love that is not of myself.
Who thinks and acts in a way that defies norms, rules, regulations, expectations, and limitations.

I want to be like Jesus. I want to love like He loves, to act and live in a way that He would approve of, to speak with words that He gives, and to appreciate, enjoy, and worship Him above all else.
Its difficult. It does not come easily, nor does it always come naturally.

Extraordinary is something I strive for, something I seek after, something I run toward.
While I know I will never reach any pinnacle on earth that tells me, "You've arrived; don't try anymore.", I know that it is something that is attainable here and now.

"I'm tired of striving to be who You already say that I am. I am Yours." 
[My Epic]

As that song says, everything beautiful in me is of Him. It is not something that I can create or manufacture. But it IS something I have been given, something I possess, and something I can apprehend and walk in. I don't need to strive and struggle to try to be who God already says that I am... I am who He created me to be. In a lot of ways, I am currently learning what that means. I am learning what He has created me for. There are certain "callings" or opportunites He has placed me in; strengths, interests, and passions He has given me.

However, just because I am currently in youth ministry doesn't mean that I have to be in youth ministry for the rest of my life if I ever want Him to use me. As a matter of fact, I see that door slowly closing as another has opened.

Instead, I am realizing that God has created me for a purpose: to enjoy Him in all of His worth. There are many varying specifics with that statement. I can enjoy God and His worth in my present job, in my future job, in my community involvement, in my relationships, in conversation, in my thoughts, in my motives, in my actions, in my goals and future plans, in my hopes and dreams, in what has been given to me and what has been taken away.

I can look to Him and see His hand in my life. Even in the areas where I don't presently see the "why" or the "how" of certain details, I can lean on Him and trust Him, because what He has promised, He will be faithful to complete. So, in my daily life: At work, in that conversation with the grocery store clerk, at church, in time spent with my family, in my own personal research of topics I find interesting, in my weekly coffee dates with different girls to talk about life as it pertains to the Gospel of Jesus Christ-- I am being who He created me to be. I'm not at all saying that any of these days go by without mess-ups and failures and slips of the tongue and thoughts of frustration, but that, in the midst of the realism that I am very much a normal human being who slips up on the daily, God is able to do extraordinary things, because He is just that good.

I am loved by an extraordinary God who loves me so incredibly much that He never looks at me and thinks, "Oh, its her." or "Why do I bother with that one?" but who loves me simply because He chooses to do so. He sacrificed His pride& joy-- His Son-- so that I could partake in that joy and be one with Christ. Jesus has put His identity in me, and has hidden me in Himself, and has remade me.

I am accepted. I am loved. I am wanted. We all are! Isn't that crazy?

The God of the universe chooses to love us with an everlasting love; a love that will not fail or pause or fall through. He will not change His mind. He won't love us one day and wake up the next to realize He's just kind of over it. He is UNFAILING. His affections are strong, every single day. And He is able to make each and every person extraordinary, and to enable us and equip us to live lives that reflect that. He can do it, and He will, if we will accept.

"Extraordinary things only happen to extraordinary people. Perhaps you have an extraordinary destiny."
-Reepicheep the Mouse; Voyage of the Dawn Treader

I don't know who reads this, so I apologize if what I'm about to say sounds completely bizarre:
I know that I have an incredible future ahead of me. That is something that God has promised me; not just generally in the Bible, but specifically. It is also something that has been prophesied over me several times in my life, particularly recently. Four different people have said the same thing; all unbeknownst to each other, all at different times. They have told me that God's seal is upon me, and that God has been preparing me and is still preparing me for a great purpose; and for a specific plan that He wants me to be a part of; because He can use the specific gifts the Holy Spirit has given me for the glory of His name.

Its crazy. I have often felt that I want to do something big for God; that I want to be involved in something that is so much greater than myself. I can truthfully say, it isn't just because I want to be some hotshot, or the center of attention. I hate being in the spotlight, and rather prefer working behind the scenes, or doing things casually and naturally, rather than being the one on stage or with a microphone. I'm a helper. I like helping people get where they need to be, or doing the small, insignificant tasks and dealing with the details so that the people who are in leadership can do their thing without getting overloaded. That was what I did in Spain. I had about 6 job descriptions, but mostly what my job consisted of was taking care of paperwork, details, organizing, facilitating, and fine-tuning things so that the teachers of the school could focus on studying and teaching, without being plagued by small tasks. I'd make a pretty good personal assistant, because I actually love doing that kind of stuff-- just simple things to help someone else do what they need to do or be where they need to be.

Hmm. Tangent. Anyway, like I said before, I have often had such an ache [there it is again] to do something big for God, to be involved in something important, that helps people practically, while simultaneously sharing the truth and love of Jesus Christ.
At times I've thought that its a farfetched dream, because I have felt I have nothing to offer. I have no degree [I mean, seriously, what's an AA in Theology really going to do for me?], no high-salary job, no investments. I live with my parents and work at a thrift store for crying out loud. Its enough to make me think I need to go make something of myself and have a degree or wad of cash to offer God, almost as a bribe so that He will find me useful.

But then He reminds me that all He asks for is my life. And He's got it. I've already given it to Him.
I don't need to make anything of myself that He isn't directing, because then He'd just have to break me and remake me anyway... and He's already doing that!
I know that God wants me to follow Him, to seek Him, to love Him and enjoy Him, and to be yielded to Him so that He can mold me and point me in the direction He wants me to walk in. He has made me useful, because the identity of Jesus Christ is in me. That is what gives me worth. That is what gives me identity. That is what gives me purpose.

So, right now, even though in some people's eyes I may be a nobody, I know that God sees me as somebody. Someone He can use, because I want nothing more than to be part of the plan. I don't care if its something "big" in society's eyes or just something big in my life; to me.

It doesn't matter what I'm doing, where I'm living, who I'm with or not with, or the timeframe-- I just want to be with Him and walking in the path He sets before me. Obviously, I have goals. I have interests and passions and plans and ideas. I want to live in Colorado. I want to be married someday and be my husband's teammate and helpmate, whom I can serve and enjoy God with side-by-side throughout life. I want things to happen soon and quickly, because I'm an action person. Still, regardless of any of those details, I just want to be in the game, playing my absolute hardest for the praise of God. I don't care about the logistics, I just want more& more& more of Jesus!

And that's possible. And its happening. And extraordinary things/opportunities/changes/transformations/ restorations are being stirred up in my life, and I'm ridiculously excited to see where they lead.

Single Ladies pt. II

Um, okay.

I just write this things and pretend no one is reading them, while still being aware that I have to be careful of what I share, since I know people DO read this-- even if those people are only my sister, my best friends, and all my favorite Spaniards.

Just realized today that my "audience" [Blogger's words, not mine] includes North America, Russia, Germany, and South Korea.

Uh... What??

Haha, so weird. So, the actual post to you guys will definitely be on my other blogsite. I'll email you girls. If I accidentally left someone out and you don't know the address, email me and I'll send it to you.

Probably won't write it until late tonight, or by Saturday at some point.

Scattered Thoughts.

I always have a lot on my mind.

ALWAYS.
I don't think that's a bad thing.
I think it just means I'm alive. And I'm a thinker.


I wish I could simply think for a profession. I'd make bank. Seriously.

Anyway, I've noticed I'm changing, and I think that's awesome.

First of all, I'm getting pretty good at saying "no." Haha. Might sound like a simple task but, for me, it rarely has been. I'm just a people pleaser. Not that I'm the type of person who will just tell people what they want to hear [I definitely won't. Instead, I'll be honest and sometimes too-blunt, and it can get me in trouble.], or that I just want to bend over backwards to make people like me. I'm okay with people not liking me. Some people don't. Sometimes I know why, other times I don't. And that's fine. I don't need to be everyone's best friend.

BUT, if it is in my control, I like to help people, to please them, to make them happy, and to be there for them in whatever capacity I can. Sometimes-- okay, oftentimes-- it means I overextend myself and I take on way too much, because its not that I can't say no, but that I don't want to. I want to do it all. I want to help, and sometimes I get this superhero complex, like its up to me to save the world/show/event/etc.

I used to say, "I can't help it; this is just who I am."

Then someone helped me see how potentially damaging it is: for myself, in the fact that I get too busy, too stressed, and leave little to no margin in my life for God and for "me time"; for others, in the sense that I step in way too much and don't let other people do it themselves and learn or grow in it; and, lastly, because God never called me to be a people pleaser. He wants me to please HIM, to live my life for Him and, yes, to love others and look out for their interests.

However, tonight as I was cooking, it dawned on me: For so long, I was looking at it all wrong.
Yes, the Bible specifically says to look out for the interests of others, and to put their needs above your own.

What it does not say is to put others' wants before my needs.
I need time to myself. Time alone. Time spent by myself, at the feet of Jesus, reading His word. Time to do what I need to do, to take care of myself, to care for my own health and sleep.

Hanging out, watching TV or movies or even football games [my favorite], or being available for every party or girls' night, and bringing baked goods, because its what I love to do: those aren't needs. Those are wants, and I love to do them-- I love to be involved, I love hanging out with my friends, I love being social, and I love baking! But I have learned to say no. FINALLY.

Right now that my parents are in Israel, its the perfect time, too. Because going home means coming home to an empty house, with a bunch of things I need to do and a bunch of things I love to do, and the option of going to bed early if I want to.

I have also learned that saying "no" to a few things also means that I can say "yes" to more things-- new things. Again, I'm trying to really take inventory of my life, and to take into consideration all the plans and appointments I have in any given week and NOT overcommit myself.

Now that I am saying "no" more often, I've been able to walk down new streets.

Case in point: A friend and I are going to be starting a young women's Bible study soon. Well, she'll be facilitating by opening her home to it and helping organize the details, and I'll be leading it, and helping with the planning as well.
It was so awesome how this even came about... On Saturday, she emailed me and told me her idea, asked if I'd be willing to help/lead/join, and if I knew any other girls who might be interested. Honestly, this is an opportunity I've been praying about for about a year and a half-- pretty soon after I moved back from Spain. It just didn't seem to work out sooner, and I was busy with work, school, youth ministry, life, etc.
Needless to say, I was excited about the idea of it, and glad to know there's someone else out there who feels the way I do about life, church, and "over-structure" of certain things. I talked to some other girls, and we definitely have at least 5 other girls willing to help, and even more girls who want to participate in this. So crazy. Who knew there were so many of us who are so hungry for Jesus and for the presence and power of the Holy Spirit, and who want to be shaped by Him so we can be more like Him and display Him to people who need to see Him and recognize His beauty, forgiveness, restoration, and perfection? I just want to be like Jesus, to love Him and be loved by Him, and to be identified with Him so that my life can be for His praise and glory.

I don't know that it'll be so much a stereotypical Bible study, because I'm so not about cookie-cutter molds and doing what everyone else is doing, just because everyone else is doing it.


I like going off the beaten path, and just doing what's right in this situation, specifically, right now, for this group of people, as the Holy Spirit fills and leads us. I'm thinking this is going to be more of a discussion-type group. Not just me saying, "Open to 1 Peter chapter 1" and talking people's ears off for 30 minutes, but getting together and talking about life and love and ideas and mentalities and experiences and relationships and decisions, as they pertain to Jesus Christ, His identity, His deity, and how He wants us to do life. It definitely will be centered around the Bible and studying it, but I'm just so excited to get together with 20-to-30-something women, to talk and listen and discuss and share and bounce ideas off of each other. Iron sharpening iron& all that.


Lately I have been hearing such rude and wrong conversations-- sadly, by Christians-- that promote this holier-than-thou mentality, like we are the chosen few and no one else has the right to live. I'm sorry, but who the hell do we think we are? We have been saved from hell by the blood of Jesus Christ and the power of His resurrection, and it is not because we have done anything to deserve it, but because God is so great that He GAVE it to us, through His Son. So why do we act like we're first-class citizens but other people are lower than us? That is the kind of stuff I want to talk about. That is what I want to hear people's ideas and opinions on. I want to be able to share worldviews, ideas, upbringings, opinions, and concepts with other women in a setting that is safe and where we aren't going to be attacked, but where we can honesty let down the walls and talk plainly. Where, if we disagree, we know we won't be excommunicated, but can sit down and seek what the Holy Spirit says about it in the Bible, and allow ourselves to be led by the Spirit to be more like Jesus and to forsake our opinions to adopt His.

We can be so ethnocentric, as Americans, and as Christians. Sad, but true. In my Sociology class last year, God spoke to me so much and taught me incredible things. Bizarre, right? But absolutely true.

I want to combine [in the most Biblical way] what sociology says about not pitting ourselves against each other or buying into those ethnocentric/egocentric mentalities but studying other societies and people groups to truly learn how to live peaceably with all men, while allowing the Bible to direct that. Sociology will only get you so far. Obviously there are experts out there who are still missing the point.

The point is Jesus Christ. Every single time. We are to be Christocentric. To put Him first, to have Him in the middle of everything, to lift Him up and worship Him in all things. We will never learn to truly love people, to extend His love, His compassion, His patience, His forgiveness, and His acceptance to people unless we are seeking Him FIRST. So, don't think I'm going to turn this thing into some weird quest to combine all worldviews with Jesus.


No. Jesus is the only way. But He has given us brains to recognize patterns. He has given us eyes to see things in a different light, and He has given us intellect because He wants us to use all these things for His glory-- seeking Him is about faith, but not all faith is blind... Sometimes its just practical.

All My Single Ladies...

Post coming soon.
To you. You know who you are. This will kind of be my "mass email", essentially.
In case you don't subscribe to this [Oh my gosh, how lame do I sound right now? Ugh. Sorry for that...], I'll be emailing you& letting you know about it. Or maybe I'll post it on my other blog site so I don't get too much unwanted viewing. Haha. You get me.
But don't worry, I'll let you know.

Natalie Night.

I have declared tonight "Natalie Night."

After 11 straight days of being busy every day and night, I'm just tired. Don't get me wrong, these last couple weeks have been full of fun things: holidays, parties, dinner/game nights, football games, concerts, Christmas decorating and festivities, baking, coffee dates... and of course, work, appointments, cleaning, unpacking, organizing, housework, errands, and responsibilities.

But tonight, its a me night. Cooking, NFL.com, treadmill, a movie [during the treadmill, or I'll never last... for either...], Christmas card making while listening to a podcast or two, painting my nails, and reading until I crash.

I love-love-love people and spending time with people, listening to them, getting to know them, and sharing my life with them... but sometimes a girl just needs a quiet night to herself.

Security.

My worth in Christ, my identity in Him, and the measure of love He has for me is not contingent upon how I feel on any given day.

There is security in Jesus. PERFECT security. Unending security.
Thank You, Jesus. :)

Untitled.

These bones my frame won't hold in place.
They'd leave and part ways if I was without You.
This earth, my home, would be alone.
There'd be no moon to share the galaxy, if it was without You.


My God. I am not, but You are.
What was it like when You prayed?
Did the rivers calm when the raging seas obeyed?
What was it like when You slept?
Did the rocks come close and the trees lean in, and did the air rejoice just to be Your breath?


My God. I am not, but You are.


When Your servant tried to ask Your name
But a million words could not contain
And the meaning could not be expressed
For the weight would be too much to take

So You cradled him like You cradle me, and whispered, “I AM."


Oh my God! I am not, but You are.

"Untitled"; My Epic


So, since my other blog account has been down for 2 days, I guess I'll bring my random posts over here. This song is indescribable to me. I have a feeling a blog will be born from my thoughts on/experiences of these lyrics soon. Not to toot my own horn, but I believe it will be pretty dang good. Not because I'm a fantastic writer [I actually think I'm somewhat scattered in my thoughts, and I write just the way I think& speak, which results in scattered blogs! Oh well...], but because this song is incredible, and God is doing MUCH in my heart, mind, spirit and, overall, in my life right now.

I have now been brought to tears and to my knees countless times [literally and figuratively] over these last few weeks by realizing, "My God, I am not... but YOU ARE.", and I am honestly blown away by how great God is and how He loves us.
My mind cannot fathom such heights and such depths of love, and I am so grateful that I love, follow, and serve a God who defies norms and human descriptions.
He is so....... I don't know... He just IS.

I Have Come to Realize... [part 2]

1) It makes me feel awkward when people live out their lives on Facebook, complete with breakup conversations, sibling fights, or political debates that get heated to the point of name-calling and fighting. It would be one thing if I were going to people's pages looking for this stuff, but the fact that it all just makes itself into my newsfeed makes it nearly impossible to avoid, and I feel like I'm intruding on someone's business. People confuse me.

2) I really don't mind staying home alone, because I rather enjoy having the house to myself, and getting to slightly relive the years that I was out of my parents' house. However, taking care of two dogs [one who is particularly needy] makes it feel like I have children. Also, having people over, and then having them leave makes the house feel emptier than what I began with. Its weird. But I'm sure I'll quickly reacclimate to "the single life". :)
 
3) There are things potentially happening that could keep me around Yucca longer than I planned.
I want to move to Colorado. By May or June. But now I don't know if that's going to happen, because it seems my time here isn't finished yet. I'm super antsy to go, because I'm just really excited about the idea of Colorado, and I'm anticipating that I'll love it and want to move there immediately. BUT, if for some reason God puts a hold on that because I need to be here a little while longer, that's okay. I trust Him. If His purpose is for me to be here to take advantage of some opportunities, I can really only thank Him for the privilege to be used by Him in ways I've always prayed for! And I know He knows what I want, as far as moving! Now I wait and see...

4) I need to find a new hobby, a new activity, another thing to study, or a new way to expend some energy.
I'm starting to go a little crazy. Funny thing is, my schedule is full. I guess I'll have to drop something in order to take on a new thing, or manage my time so that I can fit them all without overextending myself.
To this day, "Margin" by Craig Groeschel is one of the best series I've ever listened to, and it has forever changed the way I think. I just need to make sure my actions and life mirror what I've learned, so that I'm not just thinking, "Yes, I need margin in my life!" but actually actively making it happen.

5) The word of God is absolutely true, and it is alive, and God still fulfills His promises in our lives today, just as He did thousands& thousands of years ago. He has proven Jeremiah 33:3 in my life before, and He is doing it again now. All I can say is that I am incredibly thankful and blown away by how He loves us-- how He loves ME, and is consistently invested in my life. He loves SO perfectly, so completely, so selflessly, so relentlessly, so passionately, so strongly-- it makes me speechless. I am so in love with Him, I can't even describe it!

6) If we as Christians keep running our mouths and not paying careful attention to how we use our words, we will cause more harm than good. Life is not about "us" and "them". It is about being loved by God and allowing that to completely mold and move us, it is about loving Him and letting the reciprocation of that flow over into every area of our lives and dealings, it is about loving people, and sharing the truth, beauty, and love of Jesus Christ. He loves us consistently& perfectly, He died so we could have life, and He redeemed us from the things we were handcuffed by, and has given us freedom. So its time to stop putting unfair demands and regulations on people that not even God Himself would approve of. Do we really think He would be proud of us for being rude in our words or actions? Um, false.

7) I can truly thank God for putting so many wonderful people in my life, throughout the length of my life.
I can't even express how many people have been used in my life to make me see Jesus more clearly; to learn more about God, the Bible, people, purpose, and myself; to think of things differently; to see things in a different light; to have new insight or understanding; to realize where I'm wrong in areas in which I'd previously assumed I was right; to learn from; to observe; to be provided with a great example on how to live or behave; to sincerely be blessed and challenged and made joyful by; and to fall more in love with Jesus by the way they speak, think, and live their lives. Many of those people have come and gone, come again, and left again, and yes, that can be sad. But I realize that life ebbs and flows, it changes constantly, it is unpredictable and-- despite all that-- God's got it all figured out and He has a purpose in everything. And I am seriously just unable to express how thankful I am that I have met and experienced life alongside so many fantastic people. And to those of you who are still around... please don't leave. :)

Masquerade: Week 5.

I am not even kidding you, if you have ever trusted anything I’ve ever said, believe this:


Probably every single person I have ever talked to would benefit from watching this. I know I sure did. Dang, God STILL speaks today, and He speaks with authority and power, knowing things and putting His finger on issues that no one else even knows about.
If you have ever been angry at God, if you have ever felt that He didn’t show up, or that He has let you down in some way, this one’s for you. If you haven’t, don’t be surprised if one day you do.

I’m serious. I never thought I would see the day when I was mad at God, but I did. And I praise God for opening my eyes to see those things, for the strength to face them head-on and be completely vocal about it with Him and with another person, and to be healed of untrue, ungodly, &harmful ideas and beliefs that I was holding onto. The idea that God cares about everyone’s life but mine; the thought that my heart and my hurts don’t matter; the idea that I have never been nor ever will be good enough for God, for myself, or especially for anyone else; the idea that God answers everyone’s prayers but mine; the idea that God has forgotten or overlooked my needs or that He hasn’t been there when I’ve needed Him most.


What a lie. God has ALWAYS been with me; always. He is my Dad, and He loves me and calls me to run to His arms. But in times of being hurt by people, betrayed, or rejected, I have run away from Him & from people, in an attempt to quickly build and reinforce walls around myself in order to protect myself. I tried to do it all alone, and put on a “Life is perfect” front, and became so prideful that I could turn it on and off at my own will, and that I could be so emotionally detached. [Its true, I'm not an incredibly emotional person, especially compared to "normal" girls, but the way in which I shut off my emotions during that time was unhealthy.]

These are things that happened several years ago, and over the last few years, I HAVE been living a Spirit-filled life, having a dynamic relationship with Jesus Christ, but I had swept everything under the rug. So, although I felt my relationship with Him was deep, it could only ever go so far, because I was holding everyone at bay, including Him. It could only be so deep, because there were areas I had blocked off& written off, and had never faced them. Recently I have become aware of the root of the problem, have dealt with it greatly already, and am in the stage of pushing past it and seeing real victory in my life. If every person in my life were to reject me, it truly would not destroy me, because God is for me, and He loves me with an everlasting Love, and He is exceedingly abundantly more.


And I can honestly say:
GOD IS BETTER. No matter what is going on in your life; no matter what you’re going through, no matter how you've been hurt or wronged, God is better and He is bigger and He is stronger than all of it. He loves you& will never intentionally harm you.
He is our Deliverer, and He WILL NOT leave you to face it alone. He is in the midst.
Watch, please. You won’t regret it.
Masquerade: Week 5

http://www.lifechurch.tv/watch/masquerade

I Will Follow.

I woke up this morning with this on my heart. I don't know why it was so prominent today, but it IS the prayer of my heart, mind, and spirit, so it is accurate.


I'm not going back; I'm moving ahead. I'm here to declare to You, my past is over in You. All things are made new; I surrendered my life to Christ. I'm moving forward.
You make all things new, and I will follow You forward.

I Win.

If there were prizes& titles for Best Shopper Ever, I would totally win.

Last week, I bought about $75 worth of cardstock [read: card making supplies] for $1.50.

Then I bought Christmas tree ornaments, two old books [one of which is worth $60], a dictionary of word origins, a scarf, a cigar box, 2 jackets [one brand new from Forever 21 that I know was $27.70, because I almost bought it!], and 4 shirts, for a grand total of $5.

Today's purchase was the best so far, hands down.

I got a brand new brown leather bomber jacket [of which I had seen a similar one for $30], a winter hat, a Christmas tree stand, a pair of Gap slacks for my dad, and a red 686 snowboarding jacket, all for which I paid $3. And not even, because I used a gift card for those last 2 purchases.
After getting home and doing a little research, because that's what I do, I realized that the same jacket I bought retails for $289.
Mine cost me 92 cents. $1+ 15% discount+ tax= 92 cents.

ARE.
YOU.
FREAKING.
KIDDING ME?!?

So yeah. Needless to say, I'm pretty stoked. Its red. Its an x-small. Its practically brand new. Its literally in perfect condition. Its roomy enough to layer stuff under. And it came in time for my upcoming Colorado trip, during which I'll be snowboarding [well, attempting!] & playing in the snow!

I kid you not, 20 minutes before I discovered the jacket, I was telling my coworker Sue that I needed to find a good snowproof winter jacket, because all I have are peacoats of varying lengths. They're functional here in the desert, but not for a harsh Colorado winter. God is seriously so good... He gives things before we even ask for them. I'm not saying He's Santa Claus or that I'm just going to ask Him for everything in the world now, but I am definitely thanking Him for providing for me. I don't believe in coincidences.

I think that settles it. I'm moving to Colorado. Why not? I have the perfect jacket!
And, by the way, the leather bomber jacket was definitely brand new. It still had the silica gel packets in the pockets. That is the true test right there.

I repeat: I am the Shopper of the Year.
I am not an impulse shopper, because I like researching products before I buy them. Like when I put a pair of boots on hold for 2 days, because I didn't know if I wanted them or not [even though they were the last pair in my size], and then I ended up finding better, cuter, more practical boots for $10 less about 3 weeks later. It works out for me. Impulse buying doesn't.

The moral of the story is: If you wait, you will possibly find something better or equally great, and for much less of a cost. No, that is not meant to be overanalyzed or overspiritualized [ahem, Paul...]. Haha, this is purely practical shopping advice!

Truth& Deception.

"I think that that points out something very important for us.
We should define ourselves more for what we're for than what we're against."

-Tim Chaddick How to Disarm Deception
Hmm.... Deja vu. Well, I agree with this statement. Again.

I Have Come to Realize...

1) God is truly a good God. He loves relentlessly, and He cares about me and my well-being far more than even I do. Not long ago, I stupidly started believing that God must not love me as much as He does, because of less-than-perfect circumstances in life. Now I fall back on His word, on His promises, and on His character and realize that NO MATTER WHAT happens in my life, no matter what difficulties I face, and regardless of any health issues, I can remember that He loves me perfectly, He is full of mercy, and He sent His Son to die for me so that I could have a fulfilled life and hope of eternity with Him. He doesn't inflict pain on me or purposely harm me, but He allows those things to refine me, because He knows that it is in seemingly hopeless situations that Jesus Christ, the hope of glory, is most clearly seen. He has inscribed me on the palms of His hands. And I can't thank Him enough.


2) I am too clumsy for my own good. I put a book in the microwave and my keys in the fridge last week. Thank God it wasn't the other way around...

3) I love Aaron Rodgers. I mean, I had already loved him since I really noticed him as GB's starting QB in 2008, but now I especially love him. What a fantastic athlete. SWOON.

4) Maybe its sexist, but I don't trust female football commentators' opinions nearly as much as I trust mens'.

5) I am thoroughly aware of how difficult I am. I do not apologize for it. This is who I am, and if that is something that someone can't handle, that's just how it is. I don't mean "difficult" as far as being mean, argumentative, or unyielding. It is my constant prayer that I be a flexible person; one who holds to my beliefs and convictions, while not being unnecessarily stubborn. Easier said than done, but doable.
But what I mean is that, as Laura says, I am "not easy." I will not play dumb just to be non-threatening. I'm not going to lower my standards, ever. I absolutely love hearing people's input and opinions, but that doesn't mean I'm going to let people tell me what I want or don't want, or make my decisions for me. And matchmaking is completely lost on me. I won't have it. I'm just sayin'.

6) I have a lot of opinions. Obviously. I don't verbalize a lot of them but, hey, this is my blog. :)

7) When I'm watching a movie and its making me nervous, I click my teeth. As far as I know, it isn't audible to anyone else.

8) I've known horses somehow remind me of dogs, because when I see them I yell, "PUPPY!" But I also just discovered that caribou and reindeer also remind me of puppies. I don't know why, but it is consistent.

9) There is only one place where I can arrive in a great mood and leave in a ...uh... less than great mood. Dumb.

10) Even thinking about this surprised me, and expressing it is weird, but it just suddenly popped into my head 2 days ago: If I get married and have kids one day, I hope to have boys. It drives me nuts to see moms coddling their sons, not letting them get dirty, freaking out over a paper cut and anything "dangerous." My mom didn't even do that to me, and I'm a girl! Let boys be boys, man. Jeez.

11) I have created a new personal holiday. Black Friday. Not because of shopping extravaganzas, but because it is the first official day of Christmas season, which is my favorite time of the whole year! Aside from Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, it is my next favorite holiday. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year.

12) Being sore is awesome, and workouts that make it hurt to pull a shirt over your head are the best kind.

13) Austrailian accents don't remind me at all of Austrailians, but of a funny night with two Scots, two New Yorkers, and a Dutch guy in Spain at Hard Rock Cafe, Mallorca. How's that for international?

14) I might not be fantastic at Battle of the Sexes, but I can wow people with my knowledge of beer [who knew?], the Marx brothers, and football terms. Haha, its not so bad being underestimated.

15) My coworkers must know me REALLY well if they knew to set aside a dictionary of word origins for me. One of the best books I've bought this month. Yes, I did sit in bed reading the dictionary for a half hour on my day off. My favorite word origin is: dinosaur= terrible lizard. I don't know why, but that is so cute.

16) Fire hazard or not, real Christmas trees are totally worth it. When I get my own place, I resolve to have a real Christmas tree for as long as humanly possible. They smell like heaven.

17) Closure is a beautiful thing. Sometimes its unexpected, but no less awesome. Thank God that He knows what I need and when I need it. I am so thankful that He shows me that He is all I need. Even if things happen differently than I imagined, He knows why and He has a very important and specific purpose in it... even if I never find out what that is. I am learning to trust Him in the known and unknown. I've trusted Him in the unknown before, and I thought I had it down, but I had no idea. This is a whole new level...

18) There is a clear difference between being hidden with Christ in God, and hiding behind facades. There is also a difference between being genuine and authentic, and being insolent. Finally, there is a difference between self-preservation [unhealthy] and guarding your heart and mind [healthy]. I see the very apparent differences between these and am learning how to live as God calls me to; not forsaking discretion for being overly open [although, knowing myself, I don't think that would ever be my struggle], while also being authentic and living my life honestly before people, without trying to hide behind a "life is perfect" mask. The truth is, life can be pretty hard at times, and saying that does not at all diminish my faith in God's strength, purpose, growth, and restoration.

Thankful.

I am truly thankful for so, so, so, so, so much.

Currently, I am incredibly thankful for healing.

God is the perfect Healer, and a God of great restoration and progress.
He has healed& is continually healing me of so much mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically-spiritually... in a physical sense, but at the root of it, which is spiritual.
There is probably only one person who understands what that means, and who probably isn't even reading this, but that's okay... God knows what I mean by it!

For some reason, a lot of that has come within the last 2 weeks, and I am DEEPLY grateful!

For that reason, I feel stronger and more prepared to deal with physical weakness& health issues, because the deeper issues have been and are being dealt with.
God knows best, and He is doing the most necessary restoration right now.
If that means I keep my food allergies, spinal disalignment, and other health "conditions", so be it. I have seen His power and His ability to do the deeper, greater, more difficult healing in my mind, heart, & spirit, so I KNOW that physical healing is just as easy for Him-- if He purposes to do it, He will, and I am confident of that. If He does not, I still trust Him.
COMPLETELY.

His grace covers me, and He is truly showing me what it is to find His strength and His perfect grace through my weakness.

If I fall on Him, I will be broken-- in the best way. [Matt. 21:44]

And as that breaking continues to happen, in many areas of life, His healing & perfecting come soon after, because He will never take it upon Himself hurt me in order to harm me, but since pain does occur in my life, because I live in an imperfect world with imperfect people and imperfect situations, He will use those hurts & pains that happen in order to refine me. He does not cause harmful situations, but He is loving enough to redeem them.
All I can say is: I'm down.
Thank You, Father.

Masquerade.

Whew.


Such a topic.

Okay, for those of you who listened to that podcast I told you about/posted about on Facebook, “Masquerade” by Craig Groeschel, you know what I’m talking about.
For those of you who haven’t, do.
You won’t regret it.

I will start off by saying: I am a very real person. I endeavor to be truthful and honest, because I value honesty, trust, and loyalty more than just about any other quality in a person. I attempt to be the kind of person who says what I mean, and means what I say. Clearly, I’m human, and sometimes I say things that are taken in a way that I DON’T mean for them to be taken, or I say things that I don’t mean… or, occasionally, I don’t say things that I do mean, either out of discretion or uncertainty. But that’s another tangent.


For the most part, I’m real, I speak my mind, I share my opinions, and while I try to use my words wisely, if you ask me to, I will tell you what I’m thinking and I won’t mince words.

That said, its interesting to know I’m an honest person, but also one who has worn a mask for several years—and not even constantly in those years, but sometimes in very specific situations or experiences in my life. I cannot tell you how many times people have told me, “You have it all together” or “I thought you were such a perfect Christian.”
Um… what?

Do people not realize that every single person on this planet has struggles? I have been through some crappy situations—some crappy years—in my life. I have been through some very dark years, and very deep hurts. Sadly, no one even knew. Not even my sister knew for 6 months, and my parents didn’t find out for 2 years. It was hard to go through those things completely alone, but that was my own fault. I had put on a mask: a mask of happiness, fun, and laughter, and no one even knew. I could have talked to someone and sought counsel, but instead I told no one, built up wall after wall after wall, and hid inside my own little bubble, where I thought I could protect myself.


I don’t know if you know this, but isolation is dangerous. A man who isolates himself rages against all wise judgment. In isolation, you are cut off from truth and insight and people who love you, so you are left to your own ideas, speculations, over-analysis, and to a very narrow understanding of truth. The truth can become warped, until you are believing a lie, or until you don’t know what to believe. Its dangerous. Its harmful.


That’s where I was for about a year and a half or two. I was in Bible college, learning more about Jesus, growing in Him, learning more about His character through the Bible, and truly growing to love Him more. However, aside from knowing the Truth, which is Jesus Christ, I was believing many other lies… about myself, about people, about life.

People saw the Public Natalie—the one who went to classes, who wrote papers that received A’s and comments saying, “Great insight!”, who went out with friends, had fun, laughed, and kept herself busy. But no one saw the Natalie that I was inwardly. No one saw the real me. That is largely due to the fact that I hid that part of me, because I was hurt and afraid, but it is also partially due to the fact that people were just too focused on their own lives to realize that I was not myself. No one knew the real me. I hardly knew the real me, because the constants had been shaken, and I had no idea where that would take me.


I lived my little life of “social yet solitary confinement” for about a year and a half. That’s a long time to build up walls and, let me tell you, those walls were strong, and they were high, and they had been reinforced time and again. I moved to Spain to be an intern, and then a staff member, for 2 and ½ years. It was during that time that I could no longer keep up the façade I had perfected. PRAISE JESUS for sending Loretta into my life. Good golly, that women can sniff out a fake in a matter of minutes—or weeks, in my case. After one time of prayer with Loretta, Roxanne, and Carolyn [that led to a much-needed blow to one of those walls I had been hiding behind—and a 3 hour conversation that followed a few days later [yeah, it took a few days. I’m stubborn. And I was much more so back then. Crazy, right?], those walls slowly started to crumble.
And I mean slowly.


I started to allow God even into those vulnerable parts, so He could heal me and make me whole again. That process lasted the entire time I was in Spain but, let me tell you, it was one of the richest, most incredible, most necessary periods in my life. To this day, I still look at those few years in Spain as the most important and developmental experience in my life thus far. God broke down wall after wall. At first I resisted. At first I was scared. At first I still hid behind barriers, and kept up my defenses. But, finally, I asked Him to deal with EVERYTHING, no matter the cost. And, believe me, I felt that He took out all the stops. He came in one of those paradoxical ways—aggressively, but so gently, because it was done with power, but with the motive of love and the intent of restoring me and strengthening me and bringing me to a level in my relationship with Him that I had never, ever experienced before. It was worth it. And I still thank God for loving me so, so unbelievably much that He found me worth His time, worth saving, and worth the patience of bringing me through that VERY long and difficult battle.

I am not the person I was 5 years ago. I’m not even the person I was 3 years ago. God created me as Natalie, and Jesus’ death on the cross made me reborn… yet that was not the end, but the beginning. Since junior high, I can already think of 6 “remakings” of my life. I didn’t realize how many times I could become a new person. There is still some of the original Natalie in there—I believe the very core of my being and who I am deep down inside; those things will always remain. Who I am in Christ, who He is in me, whom He is ultimately making me to be. But so many of my personality traits, ideas, thought processes, ways of speaking, humor, interests, priorities, and certain ideas of entitlement have changed. I praise God for that, and I am so deeply thankful to Him for changing me. The funny thing is, it isn’t over. I am only 24 years old, and who knows how many years I have ahead of me still—and how many more “remakings” God has yet to complete in my life. The thought of that excites me, because I am already so glad with what He has done, but I’m not content with staying the way I am. I KNOW I have a lot of areas to grow in, to change, to strengthen, to give up, to surrender in, and to submit myself more and more to Jesus, and to allow Him to deepen His identity in me, and to enlarge His place in my heart and life.

However, I think somewhere along the lines I got off-track. I started to go into auto-pilot mode, and live off of previous experiences. When new struggles or difficulties would arise, I would look back to the last few years of my life and how God has healed me and say, “Wow, God, You’ve restored me so much!” rather than asking Him to challenge me, change me, and restore me in that specific situation. Does that make sense? I don’t really know how to put it into words any other way.


I realized recently that I was looking at my life and saying, “God, You have done this and that and the other.” And that’s great. Its important to reflect on our lives, to look back and see how He has worked things out, how He has answered prayers, how He has proven Himself faithful over& over& over again, and how He has been our loving, concerned, invested Dad who cares about the tiniest details and doesn’t let us do life alone, regardless of how “alone” our emotions might be telling us we are at any given time.

BUT, although it is good to reflect on what God has done, I also had to come to the point of asking, “Well, what is He doing NOW? What am I doing now? Am I closer to Him than I have ever been, or have I allowed myself to become sidetracked or overwhelmed with life?”


To be honest, the answer is a bit confusing. In some ways, yes, God has absolutely been my strength and has been working mightily in my life. But He hasn’t continually been my ultimate priority. There have been situations, days, and even weeks when I have chosen other things over Him. Where I have decided to follow what sounds good to me at the time, and to focus on what I think needs the most attention. But God cannot be an afterthought, and He will not be content with that. He must not only be prominent in my life, but preeminent. He can’t be one of my greatest treasures, He should be my SUPREME Treasure. And somehow, somewhere, I had tossed that truth aside.

I still saw Him as very, very important and called Him my first Love, which He was and is, but I had left my first love. It is hard to admit that, because it should never be the case, and it breaks my heart to realize that my love for Him had cooled. He loves me fiercely… He has loved me with an everlasting love; with a love that was willing to sacrifice everything He had for me, and I was only giving Him a fraction of my heart and devotion. Because of different circumstances, because of weakening health, because of the loss of certain hopes and ideas, I began to question Him. I was mad at Him for taking away what He had never promised me—perfect health being one of those things. I had a sense of entitlement, as if I thought that no negative thing should ever occur in my life. I looked at my past and things I’ve been through [whether I was the victim or I was to blame] and asked, “Why? Why me? Why then? Why do I still hold these insecurities and this distrust and these doubts that You won’t do what You promised to do?”


I was finally confronted with my own heart and mindset. A very close, trusted mentor pointed out what I was saying, and the heart behind it. The fact that I was angry at God. It seriously felt like a slap in the face. I had never before been angry at God, and I prided myself on that. Pride comes before the fall, huh? I didn’t even think I was capable of it.

But I’m glad she said what she did, because I needed to hear it, and to confront it. I needed to sit down and spill it all before the Lord, and tell Him exactly what I was thinking and feeling and put it all on the table.

You know what? God can handle that. Whatever you have to say to Him, however mad you are at Him, He can handle it. And He wants to hear it, because He wants to heal you. He wants you to be honest with Him, so He can be honest with you, and give you His promises and reinforce them in your heart and in your memory. He values your honesty, because He already knows what you’re thinking anyway, and He isn’t fooled by statements of, “Oh, Lord, I don’t know what You’re doing, but I trust You.” when you’re actually thinking, “What the HECK are You doing? This is wrong and I’m not okay with it.” More than anything, in my experience, God wants me to be honest with Him so He can show me where my heart is and where I stand.


In this situation, I was not standing where I should have been. Rather than standing on His grace, and on the foundation of the hope of Jesus Christ, I was standing on my understanding, on my ideas of what my life ought to look like, and on my plans.
But I’m giving that up. I have given it up already, and it’s a continual, daily process.

Each day I have to just resign authority over to Him… I want so badly to be in control of every detail of my life, because I’m a control freak, but I can’t do that anymore. I don’t want to do that anymore. I am confident that He knows FAR BETTER than I do what my life should look like, and what each detail should be. I think I know what is best for me, but He knows what is better. I think a certain person, place, thing, job, or goal is what best fits into my life, but I am now trusting God with those details…

And I understand that it means that those things might never be fulfilled in the way I thought. Those things may never come to fruition, but I am slowly becoming okay with that. That is where the process comes in. Instead of thinking, “This HAS to happen!” I am changing my way of thinking [and asking God to help me out with that!] and saying, “This is what I want. This is what I hope for. But even if it does not happen, I hope in You. Even if I do not see this in my lifetime, I will follow You, and I will love You, and I will press into You, because I desire to know nothing except Jesus Christ and Him crucified.” He is truly the most valuable treasure in all of life, and I never want to lose sight of that ever again, no matter what.

I just want to know God, to be known by Him, to love Him as perfectly as I am able, to be so completely connected with Him that I absolutely cannot function without Him, to trust in Him more than I trust in any other thing, future goal, person, or provision, and to love people with His heart, in a way that is worthy to be called by His name. I want Him to be pleased by me, and I want to bless His heart and magnify His name, so that people will look to Him and realize He is a God who is so loving, forgiving, restoring and that He is unrivaled and worthy of our lives, affection, and attention. That is the God I serve. And that is the God I want to make known. But I can only do that if I am a real, genuine, unmasked person. A mask will only get in the way; it will muddle the image of Jesus. If I am bearing the image of Jesus Christ, why would I want to wear a mask and risk covering that up? The masquerade must end.

Self-Preservation pt. II

"In a world of uncertainties, our priorities often become self-serving and self-preserving."
-Tim Chaddick

Self-preservation is ugly. I have noticed its presence in my life over the last several years. In recent years, God has really broken down a lot of walls, and destroyed barriers that I had worked to meticulously to build up. Its slightly comforting-- for a time-- to build up protective barriers, trying to keep people at arm's distance so no one ever gets close enough to break your trust or disappoint you. I had built walls in my life for many reasons--- reasons which I'm not going to be detailed about. Its not a matter of distrust, but discretion, since I don't know who reads my blog.

Anyway, for several years in my life, I had built this pretty little life, and a pretty little picture of who I wanted people to think that I am. Don't get me wrong-- I am hidden with Christ in God. My identity and my security are in Jesus Christ. I know who I am in Him, and I know what my personality is, and how my life has shaped that as well. Its the whole nature vs. nurture argument. I believe that people's lives are a balance between the two. God has made me a positive person, and His spirit in me gives me hope, joy, and confidence.

The fact that I smile, am joyful, and laugh a lot are not fake. That's who I am, and those are qualities that seem natural to me, because of the way God created me. However, for a few difficult years in my life, I took those qualities [which were not coming naturally at the time], and hid behind them. People would ask me, "How are you?" and I would say, "I'm good, thanks, how are you?" No one took the time to really know what was going on in my life. No one knew me well enough to see that I was putting on a mask. And those who did know me well enough were far enough away and preoccupied with their own lives, that I was able to fool them.
Despite my facade, I was never able to fool myself.

I knew I was a fake. I knew I was giving people these bright, sunny answers when I felt like I was dying inside. I finally got to the point where I prided myself on being able to turn it off& on, depending on whether I was alone or with people. It was terrible. I could hardly feel, because I had so tried to shut off my emotions, in order to not experience pain.
I was in intense self-preservation mode, and I had reinforced it for nearly 2 years, so those walls were tall, and they were strong.

It wasn't until I went to Spain that God REALLY started dealing aggressively with that part of my life, because it had become to harmful to me, and was hindering my ability to serve Him on a new level. In some ways, I felt like I hardly knew who I was anymore, because I had tried for so long to quell any ideas or past memories, because they made me feel inadequate and unwanted. In a short season of my life, God did some definite breaking, refining, and rebuilding. He taught me who He is, and who He is in me. He showed me who I am in Christ, and began to reform me and reshape me into a new Natalie... one free from the restraints I'd tied myself under.

Since then, I have seen so, so, so, so many changes in my life. I used to say [literally... ask my sister], "I don't care who asks you about my life... Tell them to ask me themselves, or to mind their own business." I had experienced several occasions of people only asking me about myself or my relationships, because they wanted to know the latest dirt, so they could go tell all their friends. Instead of seeing those specific people as nosy, I allowed myself to believe that people were untrustworthy. That is such a lie from satan, and such a dark cloud to be under. God did AMAZING things in my heart, life, mind, and memory when I lived in Spain. It isn't that Spain is a magical place, but that I was so far from all of my comforts that Jesus truly became my best friend. He lifted me out of the mess I was in and allowed me to see it from a different perspective. I realized how cynical I had become, and how untrusting I was.
He put several wonderful young women [teachers, mentors, roommates, students, friends] into my life, and taught me to be open and to share my life with them. Through conversations, much prayer, and a lot of openness and honesty, God totally changed my thinking and made me a new person in that respect.

Now I LOVE getting together with younger& older women, as well as friends my age, to just talk and pray and share what Jesus is doing in our lives and realizing how we relate to each other and can support each other and know more& more of Jesus and His heart. I am far more open than I ever had been in life-- ever. Not with guys, but with girls... Again, I believe in discretion.

However, recently I have seen some of those self-preservation tendencies rising up in me again. And I wonder if maybe they were never really gone. Maybe I had overcome them so much that I neglected the fact that self-preservation instincts are just that: instincts. Something I revert back to because they were such a habit for me in the past. Little instances here and there causing me to think [and to fear] that I am not good enough, that I am simply "not enough", and that I better protect myself so I am not left hurt& alone.

What a load of crap. I'm sorry, but it is what it is.

It is such a cop-out to recoil; to retreat back into the safe little habitat I try to keep for myself, and to tell myself that its the only way I can be safe. I don't need to worry about safety when my security is in Jesus Christ. When I am hoping in Him and confident in Him and trusting in Him, He holds my heart, my mind, my life, and my emotions. He has my heart, and He will not drop it. He will not hurt me. He will not inflict pain. So why do I fear?
Why do I frantically try to save myself when I know He has already saved me?
Why do I revert back to the self-preservation He has fought so hard to free me of?
That's thing... my mind will tell me sometimes, "You're still that old person. You still have those survival instincts to pull away."

But the truth is, Jesus has broken those chains.
He has freed me from them, and although I'm not perfect and still have definite struggles, I refuse to lay down under the lies of satan and allow him to put handcuffs on me. My hands are not tied. I am not defeated. I am not hopeless. I hope in an eternal Savior, who loves me and has redeemed me, and who died for me so that He can spend my life restoring me& making me more like Himself.
THAT is love. That is true freedom. That is the kind of Man I want to follow and to give my entire life to.

Which brings me back to the initial quote:
"In a world of uncertainties, our priorities often become self-serving and self-preserving."

It was fear of the unknown, and fear of history repeating itself that caused my uncertainty and self-preservation. Fear of heartache, fear of heartbreak, and fear of giving more than I'll ever be given. But if  I am living my life for God, and giving simply because He gave and I want my life to mirror that, I don't need to worry about reciprocation. God isn't in debt to anyone, because He gave far more than I could ever dream of.

Even though this world is absolutely one of uncertainties, I don't want to be prioritized by trying to protect myself and look out for my own needs and interests, while overlooking others'. I want to be a person who gives. Who gives of my life, gives of my love, gives of my attention, time,& interest, who listens to others, who shares my experiences with people, who earnestly prays with& for others, and who is genuinely interested in loving people like Jesus, not being afraid of their motives. What an empty life that would be! To be so self-preserved that I'm hidden away from people in my own little protective bubble-- that is not life. Life is about Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ is characterized by LOVE and relationship.

Just how much can we love when we're spread so thin?
How can the Spirit move when His body parts don't coincide?
These times are complicated, so we compartmentalize.
There are few burdens shared --just seldom intersecting lives.
-My Epic


How can the Holy Spirit move within us and among us if we are so self-protected and self-contained in our own little corners? In complicated situations and in complicated lives, we compartmentalize... we section off areas of our lives: some where we allow people in; others where we push them away. Again, I am definitely all about using wisdom in sharing certain things, and having discretion in what you share and with whom. I've learned the hard way that you can't trust everyone with everything. I have some friends that I talk to about certain aspects of life, and other friends/mentors with whom I share deeper things. That is normal, and it is right, and it is healthy.

But I'm not talking about the wisdom of discretion here.

I'm talking about human tendencies in which we sequester ourselves from being real, from being honest. Those tendencies to build up these walls and put on masks that seem to have perfect exteriors, while covering up a foundation that is crumbling.
I don't want to simply be a persona. I want to be REAL.

I want to be willing to be who I am-- who I am in Christ-- all the time, around everyone, regardless of who is watching. I want to be who God has created me to be... To stop striving, and to simply just be. I am already that person. He has already made me new. He has remade me and is remaking and reshaping me again, and I want to live a life that demonstrates consistency and integrity, not one that tries to always look perfect and poised. People identify with genuine people, not with people who try to seem like they've got it all together. And when I do have it all together [as much as possible], it is Jesus Christ is me who is making that happen, so I ought to always attribute credit to Him, and not try to take it for myself. God is so great that He is able to show Himself perfect through a less-than-perfect life. He is able to show Himself strong& mighty through my weakness, while lifting me out of that into a place of strength, where He is my continual foundation. He is able to show His purity through a person who is still being refined and far from perfect, because He is a God who restores and repairs. He is just that good.


Bottom line: I am who Christ made me. He has remade me and is making me again. He has given  me very specific personality traits, interests, strengths, and experiences for a reason, and He will continue to manifest Himself in my life if I just let down those defenses and let Him into every area. That's what I'm currently doing. Its a daily process, but it is beyond worth it. As I let Him in and let Him break down those walls, He seems to bring more& more people into my life who benefit from it, and whom I can learn from and be encouraged by. It is not just about sharing a burden here or there, but allowing my life to be completely covered& directed by Jesus, AND allowing my life to intersect with others' lives as opportunities come up. I believe that is where change happens. Its happening now. And I can't wait to see what the results are.