Basically... After much thought& consideration.... I just want to be more like Jesus.
Every person I talk to, every struggle I have, every flaw I realize just bring me to the same conclusion:
Jesus is the answer. Love is the answer. Forgiveness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, patience, compassion, interest, time... All of those things stem from love.
And Jesus is the epitome& definition of love.
So I just need more of Jesus. To know Him more. To love Him more. To enjoy Him, to recognize Him, to appreciate Him, to hang out with Him& share my life& my time with Him. The more I know Him, the more I love Him. The more I love Him, the more I admire, respect, & deeply appreciate Him. And the more those things happen, the more He fills every crack& crevice of my life.
That's where His healing comes in. That's where love covers a multitude of sins.
That's where I can learn to forget my hurt feelings, or feelings of being unappreciated or unnoticed.
That's where Jesus' love& acceptance& affirmation& acceptance are enough... Right in the middle of who He is; His character.
Lately I have been reminded of the PERFECT love of Jesus. How His love hasn't simply covered my sin, but His love sent Him to the cross to die for my sins. Because of love, His blood washed them away, so He could redeem me, know me, have a relationship with me, and provide a way for me to have a relationship with God.
Jesus doesn't look at my past. He doesn't look at who I was. He doesn't look at what I've done.
Although I can hold things over my head, although sometimes I have the worst time forgiving myself, every time I seek Him, repent, & ask for His forgiveness, He gives it willingly and generously.
My brain can't comprehend that. My emotions can't support it. I believe it, I KNOW it, I accept it, I appreciate it. But I can't express it. I can't think about it without my heart jumping into my throat& bringing tears to my eyes.
Those who are forgiven much love much. I have been forgiven much. That's the only way I can explain how I love Jesus. I love Him because of who He is, because of whom He is to me, because of what He's done, and because of the place He has taken in my life. I love Him because He is God, He is worthy, He is love, He is beautiful... but, most of all, I love Him because He loved me first.
If I think about it too much, I can think it's sad that I couldn't just love Him first but, if I did, it wouldn't be a gift then, would it? He loves ME first. I respond to that. He is the initiator; I am the responder. He has reached out to me, He has drawn me to Himself, He has given me every possible bit of strength& grace I need in life, because He is enough. He is my sufficiency, my help, my everything... It's just up to me to allow Him to be everything He has promised to be. It's up to me to get out of the way& let Him be God.
My Epic has a song called childbodybride.
It's basically my absolute favorite song right now, and feel as though it's the story of my life.
When they laid my King to rest, it was my shame He wore to bed.
And it’s the only part of Him the Father did not resurrect.
Now, in my Father’s land there are no lesser men. Nobody barely wins or only just gets in.
'Cause Jesus never fell in love. With open eyes, He walked directly to the cross.
He knew exactly what I cost and He still went.
Like a body--close, connected, & known--so You’ve called us & so we are.
Like a child--nurtured, protected, adored--somehow You name us & so we are.
Like a bride--cherished, adorned & waited for--so intimate, with every title that Your love affords.
My God, You never fell in love. With open eyes, You chose to die upon the cross.
You knew exactly what I cost. I was worthless but You made me worth it.
I was a slave content to beg beneath Your table but You took me in & made me a son.
When I finally arrive & my prodigal eyes behold Jesus who once wore my shame, adorned in majesty on His throne, I will stand & belong wearing His righteousness as my clothes.
Wow. I mean... WOW.
I'm speechless. All I have are tears, and "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYOU...." over& over again.
To know that I am accepted by the only Man worthy to restore all of mankind.
To know that, no matter what people say about me& what people's opinions are of me, the only words& opinions that matter come from the Man who loves me most.
To know that His love for me does not change, decrease, or grow based on my performance.
To know that life is not about me, but about HIM, and His love, purpose, & gospel getting out, so others can know the depths of His love& the beauty of His forgiveness and presence.
I wish I were more eloquent than I am.
I wish I could put into words how this makes me feel, and the kind of healing it brings into every area of my life.
I wish I could express how deeply this impacts my life, heart, mind, & spirit.
But I can't. Jesus is just inexpressible.
My words fall so short, but they're all I have.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Simple Life. Or... Getting There.
"What matters is not your outer appearance-- the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, or the cut of your clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within-- the unfading beauty of a gentle& quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."
Teach me to be a person of deep integrity, who never changes depending on who I'm with or who's watching. I want to be me-- as real as I get-- with my family, friends, church family, acquaintances, strangers, etc.
I'm a sharer. I'm a communicator. You've created me with a need and drive to share and communicate with others.
To share LOVE.
To share truth& joy& hope: JESUS.
And I want what I share to come from the depths of my heart, so I can share the depths of who You are, as much as humanly possible.
I want what I share and express to come from a gentle and quiet spirit.
Whether I'm speaking of great things, frustrations, opinions, joyful situations, humor, sadness, hope--- I want what I say to be with a gentle& quiet spirit, because that is what's precious to You.
Well then. It's been awhile since I've really sat down& written a blog.
I must say, things are going more smoothly than they were just 3-4 months ago. If you read back to my last 3-4 blogs, it's quite obvious that my first few months here were absolutely the most challenging months of my life... And I've been through some rough times. Haha.
However, life is easing up. God is with me, has always been with me, and has never let go of me. He held me by the hand and led me through the ups& downs, the highs & lows, the bright days& the dark weeks. He never once told me, "Okay, kiddo, you've got to start figuring this out on your own, so stop following me around& let me get back to work. Grow up."
He held tightly to me, like a lifeguard saving a drowning person, He rescued me. He pointed me in the right direction, and pulled me back to the surface. For awhile, I felt like I was drowning. I was stressed, I was anxious, I was overwhelmed, I was exhausted, I was overworked, and I was lonely.
Truth be told, I'm still lonely.
Sometimes, not always.
I was just thinking today, "Goodness... I MISS GOOD CONVERSATION."
People to talk to. People to listen to. People to share my life with. People who want to tell me their story, and whom I can get to know better, and simply be friends with. I used to have such fantastic conversations with a wide range of people.
I still do, when I see them. I miss talking to people about LIFE --as it pertains to Jesus.
What He's doing in our hearts, lives, families, communities, minds, spheres of influence.
I miss going to church with people, and then talking about what we just learned--- and, as we talk through it, processing how God wants us to put our understanding of His word into real ACTION.
To love out loud, and to live our lives in a way which displays the heart& purpose of Jesus Christ, so much so that He cannot be denied.
I miss people. I miss friends. I miss being around others who are similar in age.
However, aside from that, I'm doing incredibly better than I was the first 1-2 months of living here. The first couple months were hell. Seriously... horrible. More horrible than I'd imagined they could be, in nearly every aspect. What was worse is that I was blindsided by a lot of things. I knew it would be difficult, but I had NO IDEA what I was up against.
Through that, I realized God knows best. He'll only give us what we can handle, and He will only tell us the details we need to know--- because if He'd told me from the beginning what I'd be up against, I never would have come. I would have stayed in Yucca and said, "Heckkkkkkkk no am I going out there. You can find someone else, because I quit." But, nope. He told me only what I needed to know, when I needed to know it. And although it felt as though my environment was caving in around me for a period of time, I knew He still had His hand on me, and on my world.
It's the most bizarre, the most liberating, and the most comforting feeling in the world to face your enemy and say, "You. Cannot. Win." I did that, several times. Probably pissed the devil off to no end. I think repeating it helped me to believe it more. When I felt like I was going to buckle under the spiritual oppression, emotional brokenness, mental battles, physical exhaustion, and waves of depression [not my own, but of those around me], God would just step in and say, "Nat... Hand it over. I've got this. You don't have to hold your world up anymore. Let it fall. Let it crash. Let it break. That's the only way I can rebuild and repair what's going on here."
So... I did. I let go. Grudgingly, in some aspects. Freely, in others. Incompletely in a few.
But God upheld His end of the bargain. He always does. He makes promises, and He never, EVER breaks them.
There were A LOT of tears. A whole bunch of 'em. One day in particular, I completely broke down and sobbed on my dad's shoulder for a good 15 minutes. Anyone who knows me well knows a few fun facts about my crying habits:
1) It rarely happens.
2) It almost never happens in public.
3) It never lasts long... 15 minutes is like an eternity for me.
That said, I sobbed. Profusely. Like, left a puddle on my poor daddy's shoulder. He cried, too. Partially because he has learned to live out the Biblical command of "rejoice with those who rejoice& weep with those who weep", and partially because it was the first time I'd done that since I was a little girl, and it broke his heart to see me like that.
Truthfully, that was one of the best things that could have happened. It was a HUGE turning point for me. I realized the situations I had unwittingly, but willingly moved into weren't going to change overnight. I also realized that my dad's love [the man who loves me SO much --& is willing to cry with me] is only the tiniest fraction compared to how much God loves me and sees me as HIS little girl. If I have a man as incredible as my dad-- someone who is on my side, in my corner, and willing to give all the strength he has to make sure I'm safe, protected, loved, and cared for-- taking care of me, then how much more will God my Father take care of me?
Whether you have a dad or not, whether you have a mom or not, or whether you have them both but they are not the parents you would expect or wish them to be, know this: God is that perfect Dad, no matter what, to whomever wants Him to be. Whether you want Him to or not, He's your Creator, He loves you, He has given His own Son to die for you& give you life... but, not only that-- He didn't just dump you onto His Son and say, "Alright, they're your problem now."
NO. He loves YOU. He has chosen YOU. He delights in YOU and wants you to give your life to Him so He can share His life with you. This isn't some creepy, feel-good, spiritual mumbo jumbo. It's 100% truth, and I can say plain as day: God loves you, and has given you gifts& talents& specific strengths, and has a purpose for your individual life... Something that is fun& exciting& enjoyable& so much fun.
During all the ups& downs [and, to be perfectly honest, they've mostly been "lows"... That's life sometimes], what got me through was just sitting down, reading the Bible, and talking to God. Not just talking, but listening. Hearing. Intending to hear.
Telling Him, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? How am I supposed to react?"
And He either tells me why, or He will tell me, "The details aren't important yet, but I can tell you that you're doing in the right direction, so keep on going."
I have learned a lot about love& patience, and how I severely lack both.
I am a loving person... I am a patient person... in some respects. I know that.
When faced with a lot of situations, I can keep my mouth shut, walk away, cool down, forgive, and jump right back into it, without ever flying off the handle.
Living here has shown me how impatient I really am. How frustrated I can get so quickly and, even if I'm not showing it outwardly to whomever/whatever just pissed me off, the proof is in my mind/heart.
If I want to scream& yell and let it out but I don't, well: Yay, Natalie, pat on the back... But that anger& frustration inside still needs to be dealt with. I've done a LOT of "getting to the root of the problem" studies on myself.
Sometimes I become angry because I feel that I am completely disregarded or treated as important. I can become frustrated because someone expects me to miss my meal to give someone their's.
Yeah, it's frustrating.
It sucks sometimes, especially when I'm super hungry. But why do I think I need to eat first? Why don't I say, "Okay, I've waited this long... What's another 30 minutes?" Why don't I realize that I have so much more than the vast majority of the world, and when I'm hungry-- even if I have to wait--- I still have a fridge to get food from& a stove to cook it on?
Selfishness. Entitlement. Self-seeking ideals.
See what I mean?
A LOT of heart-checking going on right now. Which requires a LOT of time spent at the feet of Jesus... even more time is needed, no doubt. But I can truly say that He is the only one who has gotten me through these last several months. And He is the only one who will get me through the rest of His life.
Luckily, I also have the support& incessant prayers of the most wonderful family that I could ever dream to have. My parents have been there for me, have come to be here with me, have stayed the night an extra night or two when I ask them to [because they know if I'm asking them to stay, I must really need them around]. I cannot even tell you how many times I've called my mom-- either sobbing or angry or frustrated or sad or confused over the whole situation-- and she's "talked me off the ledge". She's listened to me, counseled me, given me great advice, let me vent for hours, encouraged me from the Bible, and has never hung up the phone without praying for me.
Sometimes she gets into Mama Bear mode, which just makes me feel like everything's going to be alright& know that I am going to be defended, no matter what... and I'm 25 years old! I'm not just a little girl anymore, I am a woman-- and a woman who still needs her parents.
My sister& brother in law are perpetually supportive, and my friends are lifesavers as well.
Still--- with ALL the thankfulness in the world for all the absolutely wonderful people in my life, whom I'm astounded to be friends with, to be related to, and to be loved by--- it's God who is my only hope. He is the anchor to my soul, He is my true defense, He is my answer, He is my Dad, He is my shield, He is my joy. He gives all the good I have. He doesn't give bad things, but He allows them, only for the purpose of strengthening me& refining me& making me more like Jesus, so that one day when I see Him face-to-face, I will by the grace of God bear His image.
And... I can honestly say that it's worth it.
The highs& lows.
The tears.
The frustrations.
The necessary but often frustrating realization that I am NOT the only one who matters, the center of the universe, & life is not about what I want...
They're all worth it when Jesus is in the center.
Because if He's in the center, it means He is the focus, and that's where He always needs to be.
If He's in the center, it means we can't be in the center, & that proves that in we're in the right place... Behind Him or at His side.
"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done.
Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ & become one with Him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law--- rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ, because God's way of making us right with Himself depends on faith."
[Philippians 3:7-9] NLT
Teach me to be a person of deep integrity, who never changes depending on who I'm with or who's watching. I want to be me-- as real as I get-- with my family, friends, church family, acquaintances, strangers, etc.
I'm a sharer. I'm a communicator. You've created me with a need and drive to share and communicate with others.
To share LOVE.
To share truth& joy& hope: JESUS.
And I want what I share to come from the depths of my heart, so I can share the depths of who You are, as much as humanly possible.
I want what I share and express to come from a gentle and quiet spirit.
Whether I'm speaking of great things, frustrations, opinions, joyful situations, humor, sadness, hope--- I want what I say to be with a gentle& quiet spirit, because that is what's precious to You.
Well then. It's been awhile since I've really sat down& written a blog.
I must say, things are going more smoothly than they were just 3-4 months ago. If you read back to my last 3-4 blogs, it's quite obvious that my first few months here were absolutely the most challenging months of my life... And I've been through some rough times. Haha.
However, life is easing up. God is with me, has always been with me, and has never let go of me. He held me by the hand and led me through the ups& downs, the highs & lows, the bright days& the dark weeks. He never once told me, "Okay, kiddo, you've got to start figuring this out on your own, so stop following me around& let me get back to work. Grow up."
He held tightly to me, like a lifeguard saving a drowning person, He rescued me. He pointed me in the right direction, and pulled me back to the surface. For awhile, I felt like I was drowning. I was stressed, I was anxious, I was overwhelmed, I was exhausted, I was overworked, and I was lonely.
Truth be told, I'm still lonely.
Sometimes, not always.
I was just thinking today, "Goodness... I MISS GOOD CONVERSATION."
People to talk to. People to listen to. People to share my life with. People who want to tell me their story, and whom I can get to know better, and simply be friends with. I used to have such fantastic conversations with a wide range of people.
I still do, when I see them. I miss talking to people about LIFE --as it pertains to Jesus.
What He's doing in our hearts, lives, families, communities, minds, spheres of influence.
I miss going to church with people, and then talking about what we just learned--- and, as we talk through it, processing how God wants us to put our understanding of His word into real ACTION.
To love out loud, and to live our lives in a way which displays the heart& purpose of Jesus Christ, so much so that He cannot be denied.
I miss people. I miss friends. I miss being around others who are similar in age.
However, aside from that, I'm doing incredibly better than I was the first 1-2 months of living here. The first couple months were hell. Seriously... horrible. More horrible than I'd imagined they could be, in nearly every aspect. What was worse is that I was blindsided by a lot of things. I knew it would be difficult, but I had NO IDEA what I was up against.
Through that, I realized God knows best. He'll only give us what we can handle, and He will only tell us the details we need to know--- because if He'd told me from the beginning what I'd be up against, I never would have come. I would have stayed in Yucca and said, "Heckkkkkkkk no am I going out there. You can find someone else, because I quit." But, nope. He told me only what I needed to know, when I needed to know it. And although it felt as though my environment was caving in around me for a period of time, I knew He still had His hand on me, and on my world.
It's the most bizarre, the most liberating, and the most comforting feeling in the world to face your enemy and say, "You. Cannot. Win." I did that, several times. Probably pissed the devil off to no end. I think repeating it helped me to believe it more. When I felt like I was going to buckle under the spiritual oppression, emotional brokenness, mental battles, physical exhaustion, and waves of depression [not my own, but of those around me], God would just step in and say, "Nat... Hand it over. I've got this. You don't have to hold your world up anymore. Let it fall. Let it crash. Let it break. That's the only way I can rebuild and repair what's going on here."
So... I did. I let go. Grudgingly, in some aspects. Freely, in others. Incompletely in a few.
But God upheld His end of the bargain. He always does. He makes promises, and He never, EVER breaks them.
There were A LOT of tears. A whole bunch of 'em. One day in particular, I completely broke down and sobbed on my dad's shoulder for a good 15 minutes. Anyone who knows me well knows a few fun facts about my crying habits:
1) It rarely happens.
2) It almost never happens in public.
3) It never lasts long... 15 minutes is like an eternity for me.
That said, I sobbed. Profusely. Like, left a puddle on my poor daddy's shoulder. He cried, too. Partially because he has learned to live out the Biblical command of "rejoice with those who rejoice& weep with those who weep", and partially because it was the first time I'd done that since I was a little girl, and it broke his heart to see me like that.
Truthfully, that was one of the best things that could have happened. It was a HUGE turning point for me. I realized the situations I had unwittingly, but willingly moved into weren't going to change overnight. I also realized that my dad's love [the man who loves me SO much --& is willing to cry with me] is only the tiniest fraction compared to how much God loves me and sees me as HIS little girl. If I have a man as incredible as my dad-- someone who is on my side, in my corner, and willing to give all the strength he has to make sure I'm safe, protected, loved, and cared for-- taking care of me, then how much more will God my Father take care of me?
Whether you have a dad or not, whether you have a mom or not, or whether you have them both but they are not the parents you would expect or wish them to be, know this: God is that perfect Dad, no matter what, to whomever wants Him to be. Whether you want Him to or not, He's your Creator, He loves you, He has given His own Son to die for you& give you life... but, not only that-- He didn't just dump you onto His Son and say, "Alright, they're your problem now."
NO. He loves YOU. He has chosen YOU. He delights in YOU and wants you to give your life to Him so He can share His life with you. This isn't some creepy, feel-good, spiritual mumbo jumbo. It's 100% truth, and I can say plain as day: God loves you, and has given you gifts& talents& specific strengths, and has a purpose for your individual life... Something that is fun& exciting& enjoyable& so much fun.
During all the ups& downs [and, to be perfectly honest, they've mostly been "lows"... That's life sometimes], what got me through was just sitting down, reading the Bible, and talking to God. Not just talking, but listening. Hearing. Intending to hear.
Telling Him, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? How am I supposed to react?"
And He either tells me why, or He will tell me, "The details aren't important yet, but I can tell you that you're doing in the right direction, so keep on going."
I have learned a lot about love& patience, and how I severely lack both.
I am a loving person... I am a patient person... in some respects. I know that.
When faced with a lot of situations, I can keep my mouth shut, walk away, cool down, forgive, and jump right back into it, without ever flying off the handle.
Living here has shown me how impatient I really am. How frustrated I can get so quickly and, even if I'm not showing it outwardly to whomever/whatever just pissed me off, the proof is in my mind/heart.
If I want to scream& yell and let it out but I don't, well: Yay, Natalie, pat on the back... But that anger& frustration inside still needs to be dealt with. I've done a LOT of "getting to the root of the problem" studies on myself.
Sometimes I become angry because I feel that I am completely disregarded or treated as important. I can become frustrated because someone expects me to miss my meal to give someone their's.
Yeah, it's frustrating.
It sucks sometimes, especially when I'm super hungry. But why do I think I need to eat first? Why don't I say, "Okay, I've waited this long... What's another 30 minutes?" Why don't I realize that I have so much more than the vast majority of the world, and when I'm hungry-- even if I have to wait--- I still have a fridge to get food from& a stove to cook it on?
Selfishness. Entitlement. Self-seeking ideals.
See what I mean?
A LOT of heart-checking going on right now. Which requires a LOT of time spent at the feet of Jesus... even more time is needed, no doubt. But I can truly say that He is the only one who has gotten me through these last several months. And He is the only one who will get me through the rest of His life.
Luckily, I also have the support& incessant prayers of the most wonderful family that I could ever dream to have. My parents have been there for me, have come to be here with me, have stayed the night an extra night or two when I ask them to [because they know if I'm asking them to stay, I must really need them around]. I cannot even tell you how many times I've called my mom-- either sobbing or angry or frustrated or sad or confused over the whole situation-- and she's "talked me off the ledge". She's listened to me, counseled me, given me great advice, let me vent for hours, encouraged me from the Bible, and has never hung up the phone without praying for me.
Sometimes she gets into Mama Bear mode, which just makes me feel like everything's going to be alright& know that I am going to be defended, no matter what... and I'm 25 years old! I'm not just a little girl anymore, I am a woman-- and a woman who still needs her parents.
My sister& brother in law are perpetually supportive, and my friends are lifesavers as well.
Still--- with ALL the thankfulness in the world for all the absolutely wonderful people in my life, whom I'm astounded to be friends with, to be related to, and to be loved by--- it's God who is my only hope. He is the anchor to my soul, He is my true defense, He is my answer, He is my Dad, He is my shield, He is my joy. He gives all the good I have. He doesn't give bad things, but He allows them, only for the purpose of strengthening me& refining me& making me more like Jesus, so that one day when I see Him face-to-face, I will by the grace of God bear His image.
And... I can honestly say that it's worth it.
The highs& lows.
The tears.
The frustrations.
The necessary but often frustrating realization that I am NOT the only one who matters, the center of the universe, & life is not about what I want...
They're all worth it when Jesus is in the center.
Because if He's in the center, it means He is the focus, and that's where He always needs to be.
If He's in the center, it means we can't be in the center, & that proves that in we're in the right place... Behind Him or at His side.
"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done.
Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ & become one with Him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law--- rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ, because God's way of making us right with Himself depends on faith."
[Philippians 3:7-9] NLT
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Unappreciated.
Ugh. Today sucks.
Excuse me while I share my feelings for a bit. Usually I come in here with all the perspective I can muster, trying to see the good in every situation, trying to see how God is at work, trying to see how this situation can be used to make me more like Jesus. Only God can give me the right perspective& put that in my heart. It can't be manufactured.
I trust Him, and expect Him to change my heart& mind& attitude& continually be the source of my contentment.
But right now I'm hurt. Right now I'm upset. And right now I just need to express it. I'm allowed to have a bad day, and I'm allowed to be disappointed over it. I don't WANT to stay in a "woe is me" pity party, because that's just not me, and I hate that, but still... No one can undermine what hurts me deeply by trying to compare it with something else. There will ALWAYS be someone worse off than you. There will always be someone hurting more than you; in greater need than you. But a counselor also told me once, "STOP trying to pull yourself out of feeling/hurting/grieving because you're trying to compare your hurt with others'. Your hurts matter, too. They affect you, too."
So, here's my story.
If you like "happy, cheerful Natalie", close this page right now. I'm serious. Close it.
If not, read on:
I'm upset, and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm sick of being unappreciated. I'm sick of 80% of what I do being overlooked. I'm sick of my [extended] family thinking I don't do enough, when I'm doing so many things for them that they never see, because I don't constantly tell them "Oh, look at this list of 12 things I did for you without you even having to ask." I'm sick of being required to always give of my time, but on the nights when I want to go out with a friend, or a weekend that I want to go home& see my family, the guilt trips come.
I'm sick of feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I'm sick of having practically NO friends here, or no time to spend with the friends I DO have here. I'm sick of being with the same people 80% of the day, and being completely alone for the other 20%.
I'm sick of not having time to pursue the things I really like/want to do, like volunteering, or being with people, or getting involved in church, or making& deepening friendships, or being involved as a leader for a youth group, or being involved in the community.
I miss my family and, although I NEVER thought I'd say this before, I want to go back to Yucca.
I want to be with my family and spend time with my friends before I move to Colorado.
If all I'm doing here is going noticed& unappreciated, why stay here? To try to convince them otherwise? To try to prove them wrong? No. What's the point of that? I can move, be home for awhile, get a job& work until May, when I move, and still call my grandparents& come visit every so often to check on them.
At this moment, that's what I want.
After I pray about it and weigh every possible option, and pray about it again, and make my list of pros& cons, and pray some more, we'll see what actually happens.
But don't be surprised if you see me again soon, Yucca Valley.
Excuse me while I share my feelings for a bit. Usually I come in here with all the perspective I can muster, trying to see the good in every situation, trying to see how God is at work, trying to see how this situation can be used to make me more like Jesus. Only God can give me the right perspective& put that in my heart. It can't be manufactured.
I trust Him, and expect Him to change my heart& mind& attitude& continually be the source of my contentment.
But right now I'm hurt. Right now I'm upset. And right now I just need to express it. I'm allowed to have a bad day, and I'm allowed to be disappointed over it. I don't WANT to stay in a "woe is me" pity party, because that's just not me, and I hate that, but still... No one can undermine what hurts me deeply by trying to compare it with something else. There will ALWAYS be someone worse off than you. There will always be someone hurting more than you; in greater need than you. But a counselor also told me once, "STOP trying to pull yourself out of feeling/hurting/grieving because you're trying to compare your hurt with others'. Your hurts matter, too. They affect you, too."
So, here's my story.
If you like "happy, cheerful Natalie", close this page right now. I'm serious. Close it.
If not, read on:
I'm upset, and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm sick of being unappreciated. I'm sick of 80% of what I do being overlooked. I'm sick of my [extended] family thinking I don't do enough, when I'm doing so many things for them that they never see, because I don't constantly tell them "Oh, look at this list of 12 things I did for you without you even having to ask." I'm sick of being required to always give of my time, but on the nights when I want to go out with a friend, or a weekend that I want to go home& see my family, the guilt trips come.
I'm sick of feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I'm sick of having practically NO friends here, or no time to spend with the friends I DO have here. I'm sick of being with the same people 80% of the day, and being completely alone for the other 20%.
I'm sick of not having time to pursue the things I really like/want to do, like volunteering, or being with people, or getting involved in church, or making& deepening friendships, or being involved as a leader for a youth group, or being involved in the community.
I miss my family and, although I NEVER thought I'd say this before, I want to go back to Yucca.
I want to be with my family and spend time with my friends before I move to Colorado.
If all I'm doing here is going noticed& unappreciated, why stay here? To try to convince them otherwise? To try to prove them wrong? No. What's the point of that? I can move, be home for awhile, get a job& work until May, when I move, and still call my grandparents& come visit every so often to check on them.
At this moment, that's what I want.
After I pray about it and weigh every possible option, and pray about it again, and make my list of pros& cons, and pray some more, we'll see what actually happens.
But don't be surprised if you see me again soon, Yucca Valley.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
excerpt.
One of the attributes of God is the love, tenderness, & concern of a mother.
That's HUGE. That's saying something about mothers and their roles.
[And about the roles of pseudo-mothers, like me. ]
This phase in my life, challenging as it may be, is rather simple.
Yet, in the simple times, the extraordinary is found... and only wise men are able to understand that.
I've missed that point. Drastically. Often. Embarrassingly.
I am striving, seeking, searching, aiming to live an extraordinary life.
A life extraordinarily given to Jesus. Led by the Holy Spirit. Completely surrendered to God's plans, His heart, His purposes, & His glory.
I want my life to be SO hidden with Christ in God that I become transparent and He alone is clearly seen. I want the most vivid thing about my life, my words, my actions, my motives, and my habits to be that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, He is Love, & He is on the throne.
I want people to see God for who HE is: Creator. Artist. Musician. Lover. Giver. Father.Sacrificer. I want people to realize God is not an ogre, nor is He a fire-breathing dragon, waiting anxiously for people to screw up so He can burn us up or strike us with lightning.
He doesn't sit on some high cloud, aiming to kill.
On the contrary, He waits. He watches. He intervenes.
He sees when we fall, and He picks us up every single time... Only with Him are we able to fall down 7 times and get up 8... because He is picking us up, bandaging our wounds, and teaching us how to walk.
HE IS LOVE, the fullness of love, the epitome of love, the Creator of love, the origin of love.
Loving others& living for others is challenging. My selfish me doesn't like doing it. My Christian me doesn't like doing it 50% of the time. Flesh vs. spirit, you know?
It's a real battle. It's hard. It's hell.
But I have a Savior, an Anchor, a Hope, a JESUS who fights FOR me and who stands on the front lines WITH me, enabling me to fight the good fight of faith, to move forward, to press on toward the goal-- He is the goal.
He is worth every minute of this new phase of dying to myself. He is refining me& perfecting me; searing off the parts that are killing me or weakening me.
I hope& pray& expect that He will come through, and that He will help me let go of SO MUCH of the selfishness, impatience, pride, and individualism that remains.
By His grace, may I be a softer person, a gentler person, a meek woman-- having great strength, but tempered by kindness, compassion, and patience, as only Jesus can enable.
That's HUGE. That's saying something about mothers and their roles.
[And about the roles of pseudo-mothers, like me. ]
This phase in my life, challenging as it may be, is rather simple.
Yet, in the simple times, the extraordinary is found... and only wise men are able to understand that.
I've missed that point. Drastically. Often. Embarrassingly.
I am striving, seeking, searching, aiming to live an extraordinary life.
A life extraordinarily given to Jesus. Led by the Holy Spirit. Completely surrendered to God's plans, His heart, His purposes, & His glory.
I want my life to be SO hidden with Christ in God that I become transparent and He alone is clearly seen. I want the most vivid thing about my life, my words, my actions, my motives, and my habits to be that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, He is Love, & He is on the throne.
I want people to see God for who HE is: Creator. Artist. Musician. Lover. Giver. Father.Sacrificer. I want people to realize God is not an ogre, nor is He a fire-breathing dragon, waiting anxiously for people to screw up so He can burn us up or strike us with lightning.
He doesn't sit on some high cloud, aiming to kill.
On the contrary, He waits. He watches. He intervenes.
He sees when we fall, and He picks us up every single time... Only with Him are we able to fall down 7 times and get up 8... because He is picking us up, bandaging our wounds, and teaching us how to walk.
HE IS LOVE, the fullness of love, the epitome of love, the Creator of love, the origin of love.
Loving others& living for others is challenging. My selfish me doesn't like doing it. My Christian me doesn't like doing it 50% of the time. Flesh vs. spirit, you know?
It's a real battle. It's hard. It's hell.
But I have a Savior, an Anchor, a Hope, a JESUS who fights FOR me and who stands on the front lines WITH me, enabling me to fight the good fight of faith, to move forward, to press on toward the goal-- He is the goal.
He is worth every minute of this new phase of dying to myself. He is refining me& perfecting me; searing off the parts that are killing me or weakening me.
I hope& pray& expect that He will come through, and that He will help me let go of SO MUCH of the selfishness, impatience, pride, and individualism that remains.
By His grace, may I be a softer person, a gentler person, a meek woman-- having great strength, but tempered by kindness, compassion, and patience, as only Jesus can enable.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Jesus is Love. Love is the Answer.
What I thought I knew about love is being challenged.
Again and again and again.
What constitutes as love? Smiling& nodding& agreeing with everything a person says? Pitying& “poor you”ing a person while they’re down in the dumps? Refraining from saying anything that may rock the boat?
No.
Love is not about being a yes-man. It is not about approving or condoning everything a person does. It is not about coddling& allowing someone to stay in a state of depression because they seemingly WANT to be there; want to be pitied& paid attention to.
Love also does not back down. It does not retreat to lick its wounds when it’s been hurt. It does not hold offenses against the “offender” but forgives, forgives, forgives.
There is no score kept of, “Well I did this for you, so you should do that for me.”
Love’s motives are pure, others-focused, kind, & generous.
Love always looks for the best in people, & looks to treat others with dignity, respect, & grace.
My love for others is being challenged in an incredibly difficult way. Day in, day out, hour after hour, I’m presented with the opportunity to love, or the opportunity to be a jerk and do&say what would make me feel better in the moment, yet make me feel horrible 10 minutes later.
It is hard to control your emotions when you feel largely unappreciated, taken for granted, & uncared for. However, I will not be ruled by emotion. Love is a CHOICE, and God did not tell me to choose it simply when I feel like it, or when I have a warm fuzzy, but ALWAYS, no exceptions, no questions asked. Love changes people; it changes situations; it heals, restores, rebuilds, & covers faults.
Love is the best way.
“Summing up: Be agreeable. Be sympathetic. Be loving, be compassionate, be humble.
That goes for all of you— NO exceptions. No retaliation.
NO sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless. You’ll be a blessing, and you’ll also be blessed.”
[1 Peter 3]
Again and again and again.
What constitutes as love? Smiling& nodding& agreeing with everything a person says? Pitying& “poor you”ing a person while they’re down in the dumps? Refraining from saying anything that may rock the boat?
No.
Love is not about being a yes-man. It is not about approving or condoning everything a person does. It is not about coddling& allowing someone to stay in a state of depression because they seemingly WANT to be there; want to be pitied& paid attention to.
Love also does not back down. It does not retreat to lick its wounds when it’s been hurt. It does not hold offenses against the “offender” but forgives, forgives, forgives.
There is no score kept of, “Well I did this for you, so you should do that for me.”
Love’s motives are pure, others-focused, kind, & generous.
Love always looks for the best in people, & looks to treat others with dignity, respect, & grace.
My love for others is being challenged in an incredibly difficult way. Day in, day out, hour after hour, I’m presented with the opportunity to love, or the opportunity to be a jerk and do&say what would make me feel better in the moment, yet make me feel horrible 10 minutes later.
It is hard to control your emotions when you feel largely unappreciated, taken for granted, & uncared for. However, I will not be ruled by emotion. Love is a CHOICE, and God did not tell me to choose it simply when I feel like it, or when I have a warm fuzzy, but ALWAYS, no exceptions, no questions asked. Love changes people; it changes situations; it heals, restores, rebuilds, & covers faults.
Love is the best way.
“Summing up: Be agreeable. Be sympathetic. Be loving, be compassionate, be humble.
That goes for all of you— NO exceptions. No retaliation.
NO sharp-tongued sarcasm. Instead, bless. You’ll be a blessing, and you’ll also be blessed.”
[1 Peter 3]
Friday, September 23, 2011
words in the water.
Standing knee deep in cold water, swiftly moving, somehow I knew I’d lost something. Wading waist deep, I saw a book there in the river, waiting for me to find it there.
I tried to read it, neck deep, treading water. But the tide, it pulled me out to sea.
Then, with water in my eyes, the words began to rise from their place.
They were beautiful and dread; I reached for them and fed on each phrase.
They were honey on my lips, but then a bitter twist in my side.
I knew they’d lay me in my grave; "Is there no one who can save me?" I cried.
Sinking, down deep through cold water and heavy silence, shadows stirring in the gloom. What things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?
And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book from my hands; All its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands.
I felt white and black reverse, and the lifting a curse from my heart.
Then like one receiving sight, I beheld a brilliant light in the dark.
-- "words in the water": thrice; major/minor
so, i can say as i sit here with tears streaming down my face, that this will probably be a heavier post.
all i can say is: Jesus, i need You. more& more& more than i ever thought.
i also HAVE more of Jesus than i ever realized.
Jesus is here. He is with me. all the time. every second of every minute of every day.
every week, every month, every year. He is here.
He doesn't leave me; He doesn't let me go.
lately, He has been speaking to me so much about my motives, my ideas, & the words that are in my mind, that are never spoken--yet which He hears loudly& clearly.
sadly, i've been faced with the fact that i can be very judgmental in my thoughts. i can look at people or situations or overhear conversations, and IMMEDIATELY form an opinion.
why do i think my opinion or my perception is so important anyway?
what does my opinion matter? nothing. nothing at all.
it is God's opinion, and His purpose, & His prerogative that matter.
and, you know what? Jesus is far more forgiving, loving, & accepting than we portray Him to be. look at the gospels. look at the life of Jesus. look at His words; His actions.
the people He adamantly speaks against are the hyper-religious leaders, who try to walk around like they're the holiest dudes in the joint, yet who are getting it ALL wrong, who are covering their own faults, who are treating people rudely& with severe judgmentalism, who are trying to formulate following Jesus into rules& regulations; black& white.
they are the ones who are trying to systematize everything; the ones who speak down to Jesus for sitting, talking, and listening to people whom they don't think deserve an audience.
to the "unimportant", "filthy", "unworthy" people, Jesus gives an audience; a listening ear.
how many times am i like those rude, unloving, opinionated pharisees?
the ones who undermine Jesus' authority by overriding it with their own?
who the hell did they think they were?
who do i think i am, with my opinions? why do they matter?
what about loving people as Jesus does?
yes, there is definitely a point in sharing the truth where the truth hurts. it stings. sometimes it cuts like a knife. it hurts to be told you're doing something wrong, when you've thought you had it right. it's offensive for someone to say, "yeah.... that right there? that needs to go. far, far away." Jesus is offensive ONLY in that our ideas, perceptions, and egos are pierced by Him, and shown to be untrue, wrong, or "lesser" when compared to Him.
He says, "you've got it wrong, but let me show you how to live the right way."
He's only offensive in the fact that we're so egocentric that we rarely WANT to be proven wrong. however, He is so kind, so forgiving, & so compassionate in the fact that He shows us how to do things the right way.
He says, "if you'll just follow Me, I'll show you. I'll walk in the direction I've been going, and I just want you to follow Me. I'll hold your hand, even. if you fall, don't worry; I'll be right there& I'll help you back up. I refuse to leave you behind. I want you to follow My lead, to walk in My direction... but don't get too far behind, or you'll lose sight of Me& you'll end up getting lost.
I want to bring you to where I am; to the closest part of Me... but, in order to do that, you've got to pick up your cross& follow Me. it's an uphill climb, so it's going to be challenging& tiring& sometimes even maddening. but you can and NEED to lay your burdens down, & I'll carry them for you... unless they're worthless; then I'll just throw them away."
man, i love Him. i can't even express it in words. at all. just... love. love, love, love.
for whatever reason, i've lately been reminded of how much God loves me, and how much i've been forgiven. i believe Jesus is restoring the joy of my salvation, because i've lately been broken by my sin so much more than i can remember being broken.
maybe it's because i spend so much time alone now; time sitting& thinking& reading& listening& observing.
i hear the words of others-- words which are so cruel, so cutting, so biting, so harsh& offensive. so judgmental. people whispering about others; people calling names; people verbally abusing those who have lived lives full of abuse, and whom i imagine can't and shouldn't take any more.
and i wonder--- am i like that?
i've heard it said before that your faults look so much worse on other people.
so when i start getting my ideas that this attitude or that expression of speech or "freedom" are rude/evil/hurtful, i'm immediately faced with the thought, "am i noticing that because it's how i am, and i'm projecting my faults onto others?"
you know, i don't know. it's possible. it's probable. i mean, i love Jesus, and i have love in my life. i have the Holy Spirit who convicts me, and who speaks quietly when i'm about to do or say something i shouldn't, saying, "natalie... don't go there. you know you don't want to do that. it isn't in any way associated with my heart." or that voice AFTER i've done it, saying, "natalie. that was wrong. apologize. shape up. stop it. you know that's not what your purpose is."
either way, i screw up a lot. it frustrates me; it saddens me; it challenges me to spend more time with Jesus, more time seeking Him, that i may become more like Him.
sometimes i sit there, praying for love& compassion then, the very next day, i'm blowing it when given the change to practice it. conviction for me now is almost immediate.
i used to deafen myself with the presence of so many other distractions, noises, & voices; so much so that i couldn't& wouldn't hear the sure sound of truth.
either that, or i would just try to "change the subject" if you will, by focusing on a different point. instead of realizing, "dang it, i shouldn't have done that." i would start thinking of excuses as to why i "needed" to say it, or why i had to be abrupt or impatient.
i'm just going to come right out and say it: it is HARD to be here in LA. it's hard to live with my grandparents. it's hard to take care of them, day in, day out, hours upon hours each day; putting my plans& my goals& my ideas aside. sometimes i wish i could just take off for the entire day to go hang out with a friend, but then i remember: "wait. we have 3 doctors' appointments in the next 2 days, plus meals to prepare& errands to run. i'm not going anywhere."
and... i've said it before and i'll say it again: THIS. IS. GOOD.
it's GOOD for me to learn that life is not all about me, and not even mostly about me. it is not all about what i would like to do each day, where i would like to go, what i would like to participate in or opt out of, or whether i have enough free time, or time to visit friends and family, or time to act my age.
are those things important? yes.
are they necessary? at different times, absolutely.
are they everything? no.
God is teaching me very much about myself right now. He's showing me how i can be selfish and very consumed with my agenda, and my schedule. life is not about a schedule, nor holding to it. life is about Jesus: about knowing Him, enjoying Him, loving Him, appreciating Him, worshiping Him, honoring Him, and being like Him, in order to show His great love to a world full of people who don't know authentic, complete fulfillment.
still: it's hard.
for many reasons that i can't& won't explain, i feel as though i'm living in a house devoid of love. there is a lot of pain, anger, resentment, & bitterness present.
sometimes i feel like it's killing my joy; like it's sucking me dry.
i feel as though, instead of joy pouring out of my life and changing this environment, my joy is being suffocated, like a candle being snuffed out.
don't get me wrong: i KNOW that the joy of Jesus cannot be destroyed. His love cannot be distinguished. the minute i start talking to Him, reading His word, and listening, i'm reminded of that very fact.
but it's true that you can be joyful without being happy. there are times when i'm not happy. i'm not mad; i'm just not happy. but that's not ME.
and that's what i can't stand. i just hope& pray that me--- natalie: the core of who i am, and my personality& demeanor--- are not being irreparably changed.
it's a completely foreign feeling to live in a house where a married couple doesn't share love, fun, joy, & laughter. i mean, my parents are the two most loving, in-love, joyful, enjoyable people to be around. they love each other more deeply than i can imagine, and they love our family, and we have the most fun together. great conversations, encouragement& support, laughter, joking, talking& listening... LIFE. we live. we laugh, dance, sing, hike, cook, eat.
we experience life, and we love what we experience, and we love sharing those things with each other.
but this.... this is different. i am the peacemaker, trying to keep arguments& fights from ensuing. i'm the one trying to be on both sides, while trying to be on neither side.
i'm the one trying to be a voice of reason, trying to be fair, trying to say, "well, try to put yourself in their shoes." and it sucks. i never thought i'd be granddaughter, and caregiver, and translator, and marriage counselor, and referee, and life of the party all at once.
to live in a house with two people who are married to each other but don't love each other is like being in a home that is being racked with divorce... except i have no misconceptions that this is my fault or i caused this. i know i have nothing to do with it. i also feel as though my hands are tied, and like i can do nothing to fix it.
i'm just trying--- desperately trying--- to let the love of Jesus [which has been poured into MY life] pour out into this home& onto my grandparents. it's really hard to do when you have no support in your home. to all of you who are the only Christian in your family or circle of friends, i'm finally getting a glimpse of what that feels like. and i'm sorry it's been so difficult for you. Jesus is here. He is my Help. He is my Anchor. He reminds me that He's here, and even if i don't have a person in my same house whom i can talk to and share these things with, i have a great number of people whom are a phonecall away, whom will pray for me and with me, and encourage me. my mom is #1 on that list, and i thank God for her.
at the same time, you don't want to be constantly telling your mom of all the challenges going on in her family. that would be too much for anyone to handle.
as i spent 7 hours in the ER from 1-8am on sunday morning, i got to do a lot of thinking.
first of all, i was angrier than i can remember being in a VERY. LONG. TIME.
so there were definitely a lot of pity prayers prayed through clenched teeth.
second of all, i had a lot of time to think. a lot of time to form ideas& opinions. a lot of time to pray. and i don't know how much longer i can do this.
i believe i'll definitely be here at LEAST through february or march.
i'd like to move to colorado by june-august. of course, i have no idea what i'll be doing there.
"getting on with my life", or something, since i've more or less put my plans on hold for the time being. but will i be able to afford going to school? will i have to work fulltime in order to provide for myself? where will studying fit in? if i don't go to school, then what? i'll just work at jobs that are a means to an end, for the sake of making money, so i can afford to accomplish my goals? do i live for money? no. do i live for a degree? no.
obviously, there are a lot of thoughts swirling around. like i said, i had 7 hours to do so, so cut me some slack.
bottom line: Jesus is my strength. He will get me through this. i just don't know how much longer "this" will last.
sheeesh. i sat down to blog about something completely different, but i guess that's what was mostly on my mind.
anyway, i digress:
as i listened to thrice's new album, major/minor for the 15th time today [or around there], i just cried. and cried. and cried.
the song "words in the water" is absolutely my favorite track on the entire album.
as i told my friend viv earlier, that song just cuts me deeply& it makes me weep.
"Sinking, down deep through cold water and heavy silence, shadows stirring in the gloom.
What things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?
And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book from my hands; all its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands."
as i've said many, maaaaany times so far in this blog, life has been a challenge. these last 2 months have been more challenging than i ever could have anticipated.
"what things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?"
in some ways, i've felt imprisoned. imprisoned in a family that is not my own; that i have never known. imprisoned in a house that i cannot call "home". imprisoned in a language barrier; unable to express specifically what i want to say at any given time, because my spanish vocabulary SUCKS. imprisoned in an environment where negativity is coming at me more than i would like to accept.
"and when i lost all hope to look, Someone took that heavy book from my hands.
all it's weight they set aside, after they had satisfied it's demands."
this. is. heavy. if i allowed myself to completely bear the brunt of this burden, i would be destroyed. i'd be paralyzed. but i know the burden is not mine to shoulder.
yes, the Bible says to bear one another's burdens. but as i help my grandparents to bear their burdens-- as i help out to ease it off their shoulders-- Jesus comes in and takes the weight COMPLETELY on His shoulders. He tells us to cast our burdens at His feet... He bears them for us... and, when they are burdens that are only hurtful and not helpful, He destroys them completely. it takes time. it takes patience. it takes a great element of trusting Him and being confident that His timing is best. but it happens. and relief comes. Jesus sets the weight aside. not because He has forgotten it. not because He's swept it under the rug. not because He believes that, if He doesn't acknowledge it, it'll simply disappear.
BUT BECAUSE HE HAS SATISFIED IT'S DEMANDS.
He never sweeps aside problems; He solves them.
He doesn't tell people, "oh... just get over it. it's not that bad."
He understands. He heals. He comforts. He works& perfects& completes.
"i felt white& black reverse, and the lifting of a curse from my heart.
then, like one receiving sight, i beheld a brilliant light in the dark."
i KNOW this to be true, and i am trusting this to be true in my current situation.
Jesus has lifted the curse, because He rescued me from the life i was living alone; without Him. now He's here. He's always, always here. He promises to never leave; never forsake.
every time i remember that fact& cling to it, i see that brilliant light in the dark.
this is the dark. Jesus is the light. when the light is bright enough, it's only a matter of time before the darkness is removed completely.
"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit, He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."
-John 15:2
waiting, Jesus. waiting on You, and waiting to see that fruit produced in my life.
You waste no opportunities, & You do nothing without purpose. i know that, because i know You. i trust You. in this big, uncertain world, i know one thing is certain: You are real, You are alive, and You are the Anchor to my soul. You keep me grounded, You keep my head up, You keep me focused, and You help me to love.
remind me of how much i've been forgiven, that i may love much.
thank You, Jesus, that You're worth it. You are worth this.
I tried to read it, neck deep, treading water. But the tide, it pulled me out to sea.
Then, with water in my eyes, the words began to rise from their place.
They were beautiful and dread; I reached for them and fed on each phrase.
They were honey on my lips, but then a bitter twist in my side.
I knew they’d lay me in my grave; "Is there no one who can save me?" I cried.
Sinking, down deep through cold water and heavy silence, shadows stirring in the gloom. What things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?
And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book from my hands; All its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands.
I felt white and black reverse, and the lifting a curse from my heart.
Then like one receiving sight, I beheld a brilliant light in the dark.
-- "words in the water": thrice; major/minor
so, i can say as i sit here with tears streaming down my face, that this will probably be a heavier post.
all i can say is: Jesus, i need You. more& more& more than i ever thought.
i also HAVE more of Jesus than i ever realized.
Jesus is here. He is with me. all the time. every second of every minute of every day.
every week, every month, every year. He is here.
He doesn't leave me; He doesn't let me go.
lately, He has been speaking to me so much about my motives, my ideas, & the words that are in my mind, that are never spoken--yet which He hears loudly& clearly.
sadly, i've been faced with the fact that i can be very judgmental in my thoughts. i can look at people or situations or overhear conversations, and IMMEDIATELY form an opinion.
why do i think my opinion or my perception is so important anyway?
what does my opinion matter? nothing. nothing at all.
it is God's opinion, and His purpose, & His prerogative that matter.
and, you know what? Jesus is far more forgiving, loving, & accepting than we portray Him to be. look at the gospels. look at the life of Jesus. look at His words; His actions.
the people He adamantly speaks against are the hyper-religious leaders, who try to walk around like they're the holiest dudes in the joint, yet who are getting it ALL wrong, who are covering their own faults, who are treating people rudely& with severe judgmentalism, who are trying to formulate following Jesus into rules& regulations; black& white.
they are the ones who are trying to systematize everything; the ones who speak down to Jesus for sitting, talking, and listening to people whom they don't think deserve an audience.
to the "unimportant", "filthy", "unworthy" people, Jesus gives an audience; a listening ear.
how many times am i like those rude, unloving, opinionated pharisees?
the ones who undermine Jesus' authority by overriding it with their own?
who the hell did they think they were?
who do i think i am, with my opinions? why do they matter?
what about loving people as Jesus does?
yes, there is definitely a point in sharing the truth where the truth hurts. it stings. sometimes it cuts like a knife. it hurts to be told you're doing something wrong, when you've thought you had it right. it's offensive for someone to say, "yeah.... that right there? that needs to go. far, far away." Jesus is offensive ONLY in that our ideas, perceptions, and egos are pierced by Him, and shown to be untrue, wrong, or "lesser" when compared to Him.
He says, "you've got it wrong, but let me show you how to live the right way."
He's only offensive in the fact that we're so egocentric that we rarely WANT to be proven wrong. however, He is so kind, so forgiving, & so compassionate in the fact that He shows us how to do things the right way.
He says, "if you'll just follow Me, I'll show you. I'll walk in the direction I've been going, and I just want you to follow Me. I'll hold your hand, even. if you fall, don't worry; I'll be right there& I'll help you back up. I refuse to leave you behind. I want you to follow My lead, to walk in My direction... but don't get too far behind, or you'll lose sight of Me& you'll end up getting lost.
I want to bring you to where I am; to the closest part of Me... but, in order to do that, you've got to pick up your cross& follow Me. it's an uphill climb, so it's going to be challenging& tiring& sometimes even maddening. but you can and NEED to lay your burdens down, & I'll carry them for you... unless they're worthless; then I'll just throw them away."
man, i love Him. i can't even express it in words. at all. just... love. love, love, love.
for whatever reason, i've lately been reminded of how much God loves me, and how much i've been forgiven. i believe Jesus is restoring the joy of my salvation, because i've lately been broken by my sin so much more than i can remember being broken.
maybe it's because i spend so much time alone now; time sitting& thinking& reading& listening& observing.
i hear the words of others-- words which are so cruel, so cutting, so biting, so harsh& offensive. so judgmental. people whispering about others; people calling names; people verbally abusing those who have lived lives full of abuse, and whom i imagine can't and shouldn't take any more.
and i wonder--- am i like that?
i've heard it said before that your faults look so much worse on other people.
so when i start getting my ideas that this attitude or that expression of speech or "freedom" are rude/evil/hurtful, i'm immediately faced with the thought, "am i noticing that because it's how i am, and i'm projecting my faults onto others?"
you know, i don't know. it's possible. it's probable. i mean, i love Jesus, and i have love in my life. i have the Holy Spirit who convicts me, and who speaks quietly when i'm about to do or say something i shouldn't, saying, "natalie... don't go there. you know you don't want to do that. it isn't in any way associated with my heart." or that voice AFTER i've done it, saying, "natalie. that was wrong. apologize. shape up. stop it. you know that's not what your purpose is."
either way, i screw up a lot. it frustrates me; it saddens me; it challenges me to spend more time with Jesus, more time seeking Him, that i may become more like Him.
sometimes i sit there, praying for love& compassion then, the very next day, i'm blowing it when given the change to practice it. conviction for me now is almost immediate.
i used to deafen myself with the presence of so many other distractions, noises, & voices; so much so that i couldn't& wouldn't hear the sure sound of truth.
either that, or i would just try to "change the subject" if you will, by focusing on a different point. instead of realizing, "dang it, i shouldn't have done that." i would start thinking of excuses as to why i "needed" to say it, or why i had to be abrupt or impatient.
i'm just going to come right out and say it: it is HARD to be here in LA. it's hard to live with my grandparents. it's hard to take care of them, day in, day out, hours upon hours each day; putting my plans& my goals& my ideas aside. sometimes i wish i could just take off for the entire day to go hang out with a friend, but then i remember: "wait. we have 3 doctors' appointments in the next 2 days, plus meals to prepare& errands to run. i'm not going anywhere."
and... i've said it before and i'll say it again: THIS. IS. GOOD.
it's GOOD for me to learn that life is not all about me, and not even mostly about me. it is not all about what i would like to do each day, where i would like to go, what i would like to participate in or opt out of, or whether i have enough free time, or time to visit friends and family, or time to act my age.
are those things important? yes.
are they necessary? at different times, absolutely.
are they everything? no.
God is teaching me very much about myself right now. He's showing me how i can be selfish and very consumed with my agenda, and my schedule. life is not about a schedule, nor holding to it. life is about Jesus: about knowing Him, enjoying Him, loving Him, appreciating Him, worshiping Him, honoring Him, and being like Him, in order to show His great love to a world full of people who don't know authentic, complete fulfillment.
still: it's hard.
for many reasons that i can't& won't explain, i feel as though i'm living in a house devoid of love. there is a lot of pain, anger, resentment, & bitterness present.
sometimes i feel like it's killing my joy; like it's sucking me dry.
i feel as though, instead of joy pouring out of my life and changing this environment, my joy is being suffocated, like a candle being snuffed out.
don't get me wrong: i KNOW that the joy of Jesus cannot be destroyed. His love cannot be distinguished. the minute i start talking to Him, reading His word, and listening, i'm reminded of that very fact.
but it's true that you can be joyful without being happy. there are times when i'm not happy. i'm not mad; i'm just not happy. but that's not ME.
and that's what i can't stand. i just hope& pray that me--- natalie: the core of who i am, and my personality& demeanor--- are not being irreparably changed.
it's a completely foreign feeling to live in a house where a married couple doesn't share love, fun, joy, & laughter. i mean, my parents are the two most loving, in-love, joyful, enjoyable people to be around. they love each other more deeply than i can imagine, and they love our family, and we have the most fun together. great conversations, encouragement& support, laughter, joking, talking& listening... LIFE. we live. we laugh, dance, sing, hike, cook, eat.
we experience life, and we love what we experience, and we love sharing those things with each other.
but this.... this is different. i am the peacemaker, trying to keep arguments& fights from ensuing. i'm the one trying to be on both sides, while trying to be on neither side.
i'm the one trying to be a voice of reason, trying to be fair, trying to say, "well, try to put yourself in their shoes." and it sucks. i never thought i'd be granddaughter, and caregiver, and translator, and marriage counselor, and referee, and life of the party all at once.
to live in a house with two people who are married to each other but don't love each other is like being in a home that is being racked with divorce... except i have no misconceptions that this is my fault or i caused this. i know i have nothing to do with it. i also feel as though my hands are tied, and like i can do nothing to fix it.
i'm just trying--- desperately trying--- to let the love of Jesus [which has been poured into MY life] pour out into this home& onto my grandparents. it's really hard to do when you have no support in your home. to all of you who are the only Christian in your family or circle of friends, i'm finally getting a glimpse of what that feels like. and i'm sorry it's been so difficult for you. Jesus is here. He is my Help. He is my Anchor. He reminds me that He's here, and even if i don't have a person in my same house whom i can talk to and share these things with, i have a great number of people whom are a phonecall away, whom will pray for me and with me, and encourage me. my mom is #1 on that list, and i thank God for her.
at the same time, you don't want to be constantly telling your mom of all the challenges going on in her family. that would be too much for anyone to handle.
as i spent 7 hours in the ER from 1-8am on sunday morning, i got to do a lot of thinking.
first of all, i was angrier than i can remember being in a VERY. LONG. TIME.
so there were definitely a lot of pity prayers prayed through clenched teeth.
second of all, i had a lot of time to think. a lot of time to form ideas& opinions. a lot of time to pray. and i don't know how much longer i can do this.
i believe i'll definitely be here at LEAST through february or march.
i'd like to move to colorado by june-august. of course, i have no idea what i'll be doing there.
"getting on with my life", or something, since i've more or less put my plans on hold for the time being. but will i be able to afford going to school? will i have to work fulltime in order to provide for myself? where will studying fit in? if i don't go to school, then what? i'll just work at jobs that are a means to an end, for the sake of making money, so i can afford to accomplish my goals? do i live for money? no. do i live for a degree? no.
obviously, there are a lot of thoughts swirling around. like i said, i had 7 hours to do so, so cut me some slack.
bottom line: Jesus is my strength. He will get me through this. i just don't know how much longer "this" will last.
sheeesh. i sat down to blog about something completely different, but i guess that's what was mostly on my mind.
anyway, i digress:
as i listened to thrice's new album, major/minor for the 15th time today [or around there], i just cried. and cried. and cried.
the song "words in the water" is absolutely my favorite track on the entire album.
as i told my friend viv earlier, that song just cuts me deeply& it makes me weep.
"Sinking, down deep through cold water and heavy silence, shadows stirring in the gloom.
What things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?
And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book from my hands; all its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands."
as i've said many, maaaaany times so far in this blog, life has been a challenge. these last 2 months have been more challenging than i ever could have anticipated.
"what things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?"
in some ways, i've felt imprisoned. imprisoned in a family that is not my own; that i have never known. imprisoned in a house that i cannot call "home". imprisoned in a language barrier; unable to express specifically what i want to say at any given time, because my spanish vocabulary SUCKS. imprisoned in an environment where negativity is coming at me more than i would like to accept.
"and when i lost all hope to look, Someone took that heavy book from my hands.
all it's weight they set aside, after they had satisfied it's demands."
this. is. heavy. if i allowed myself to completely bear the brunt of this burden, i would be destroyed. i'd be paralyzed. but i know the burden is not mine to shoulder.
yes, the Bible says to bear one another's burdens. but as i help my grandparents to bear their burdens-- as i help out to ease it off their shoulders-- Jesus comes in and takes the weight COMPLETELY on His shoulders. He tells us to cast our burdens at His feet... He bears them for us... and, when they are burdens that are only hurtful and not helpful, He destroys them completely. it takes time. it takes patience. it takes a great element of trusting Him and being confident that His timing is best. but it happens. and relief comes. Jesus sets the weight aside. not because He has forgotten it. not because He's swept it under the rug. not because He believes that, if He doesn't acknowledge it, it'll simply disappear.
BUT BECAUSE HE HAS SATISFIED IT'S DEMANDS.
He never sweeps aside problems; He solves them.
He doesn't tell people, "oh... just get over it. it's not that bad."
He understands. He heals. He comforts. He works& perfects& completes.
"i felt white& black reverse, and the lifting of a curse from my heart.
then, like one receiving sight, i beheld a brilliant light in the dark."
i KNOW this to be true, and i am trusting this to be true in my current situation.
Jesus has lifted the curse, because He rescued me from the life i was living alone; without Him. now He's here. He's always, always here. He promises to never leave; never forsake.
every time i remember that fact& cling to it, i see that brilliant light in the dark.
this is the dark. Jesus is the light. when the light is bright enough, it's only a matter of time before the darkness is removed completely.
"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit, He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."
-John 15:2
waiting, Jesus. waiting on You, and waiting to see that fruit produced in my life.
You waste no opportunities, & You do nothing without purpose. i know that, because i know You. i trust You. in this big, uncertain world, i know one thing is certain: You are real, You are alive, and You are the Anchor to my soul. You keep me grounded, You keep my head up, You keep me focused, and You help me to love.
remind me of how much i've been forgiven, that i may love much.
thank You, Jesus, that You're worth it. You are worth this.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
i tell it like it is. seriously.
It has been a long& challenging week.
Spiritually& emotionally draining… FOR REAL.
I hate to sound all “Waaaah, waaaa…” Debbie Downer, but, you know, it’s the truth.
When life is fantastic & times are great, I talk about it. I’m honest about it. Previously, people have wrongly assumed, “Your life is perfect. You’re always so happy. Nothing bad ever happens to you. You always have a smile on your face. You’re unshakeable.”
LITERALLY. Each& every one of those statements has been made to me before.
And I’m the first to tell people, “Uh. Actually, you’re wrong.”
My life is NOT perfect. I’m NOT always happy. Bad things DO happen to me. I’m NOT always smiling. And, believe me, sometimes I am severely shaken.
BUT… Jesus is my Rock, my Anchor, and my Foundation. Sometimes parts of my life crumble so He can sweep away the rubble& start rebuilding something better, sturdier, stronger.
While I feel bad when I talk about having a hellish week, or the most challenging month of my life thus far, I am comforted by remembering: That’s life. That’s honesty. I aspire to live a life of transparency; of being honest with God, with myself, and with others.
And sometimes certain situations in life are going to suck. Sometimes things get you down— waaaaay down, and you feel like you can’t stand up one more time.
Sometimes a wave knocks you out, & you’re swirling, floundering, not knowing which way is up.
Sometimes that’s MY life. Sometimes I feel lost, confused, or alone.
Still, that’s when Jesus proves Himself faithful: time& time& time again.
That’s when He reaches into the sea, grabs me by the hand, & pulls me out.
Like when Peter was walking on water& started sinking, the Bible says that he cried out for Jesus and IMMEDIATELY Jesus answered that call& reached out His hand for Peter’s.
That is my Jesus. That is the God I serve. Sometimes I feel totally wiped out, but I know that He is my second wind; He is my energy; He is my driving force.
When I feel like I just can’t get out of bed& live another emotionally, spiritually, mentally exhausting day, Jesus reminds me that though sorrow lasts for a night, joy comes in the morning—- and He’s the one who puts that extra little pep in my step. Life is about perspective, and Jesus is the one with the always-correct perspective, therefore life is about JESUS, knowing Him, following Him, and adopting His perspective while seeking His heart.
So, all that to say: Sometimes I’m going to talk about how excited I am about A, B, and C. Sometimes I’m going to be absolutely overcome with joy about things, and I’m going to use way too many exclamation points, like I’m known to do. [Sometimes I just get so excited!!!!!! Like when I’m talking about seeing my best friends!!! Or puppies!!!! Or polar bears!!!! Or OH-MY-HEAVENS—CHRISTMAS!!!!! Haha.]
But I’m never going to falsely make people believe that I live some perfect, pain-free, worry-free, challenge-free life. Uh… That’s not real life. FACT.
I’m not some pie-in-the-sky, rainbows& butterflies, goody-goody-gumdrops ditzy girl who just thinks nothing bad is going to ever happen.
I’m a 25 year old woman, have had my share of heartaches& heartbreaks, and have seen a lot of pain in my short life.
However, to counteract that, I have ALSO met a loving, perfect, patient Savior who loved me before I ever gave Him a second thought, and who loves me still.
I follow a God who is stronger, greater, & more powerful than the worst struggle.
I have seen the brightness of His glory in the midst of what I thought to be my darkest day. And, now… Now, while I’m living in a house seemingly devoid of love, compassion, or patience… My loving, compassionate, patient God is living here with me. He is living in me& through me, and He is near. Always. I can’t see Him physically, but I know His presence enough to know He’s been here since day 1, and He’ll never leave.
When one person is not loving the other, and indifference & disregard flies in my face nearly 24/7, Jesus is telling me: “I love YOU. I love HIM. I love HER. I am here. You can love them, because I love you. You need to love them, because they are not loving each other, but I want to change that. My love changes things.
My love covers sin. My love transforms. My love heals. My love illuminates.
My love renews. LOVE. Always love. When you feel like you’re empty& you have nothing left to give, I’ll always give enough to spare.
Just hang out with Me& I’ll show you. You do your part, because I will always do mine, and I’ll never leave you without help. LOVE, Natalie.
Love silently. Love loudly. Love in your motives, your thoughts, your decisions, your plans, your words, & your actions. Just love.”
And… I can do that, because Jesus promises to help me, to never leave or forsake me, and to supply every need. Love is necessary. He will supply it.
I need to choose love; to choose life. To speak life.
I don’t have a perfect life, but I have a perfect God, and He gives me joy, renews my energy, gives me fresh perspective, and refocuses my vision. Life is hard. He never promised it would be easy. But He promised and currently promises to go with me, to get in the trenches with me& do the dirty work, and to propel my by the Holy Spirit and His purposes. So, overall, life is beautiful.
Truly beautiful. Thank You, Jesus.
Spiritually& emotionally draining… FOR REAL.
I hate to sound all “Waaaah, waaaa…” Debbie Downer, but, you know, it’s the truth.
When life is fantastic & times are great, I talk about it. I’m honest about it. Previously, people have wrongly assumed, “Your life is perfect. You’re always so happy. Nothing bad ever happens to you. You always have a smile on your face. You’re unshakeable.”
LITERALLY. Each& every one of those statements has been made to me before.
And I’m the first to tell people, “Uh. Actually, you’re wrong.”
My life is NOT perfect. I’m NOT always happy. Bad things DO happen to me. I’m NOT always smiling. And, believe me, sometimes I am severely shaken.
BUT… Jesus is my Rock, my Anchor, and my Foundation. Sometimes parts of my life crumble so He can sweep away the rubble& start rebuilding something better, sturdier, stronger.
While I feel bad when I talk about having a hellish week, or the most challenging month of my life thus far, I am comforted by remembering: That’s life. That’s honesty. I aspire to live a life of transparency; of being honest with God, with myself, and with others.
And sometimes certain situations in life are going to suck. Sometimes things get you down— waaaaay down, and you feel like you can’t stand up one more time.
Sometimes a wave knocks you out, & you’re swirling, floundering, not knowing which way is up.
Sometimes that’s MY life. Sometimes I feel lost, confused, or alone.
Still, that’s when Jesus proves Himself faithful: time& time& time again.
That’s when He reaches into the sea, grabs me by the hand, & pulls me out.
Like when Peter was walking on water& started sinking, the Bible says that he cried out for Jesus and IMMEDIATELY Jesus answered that call& reached out His hand for Peter’s.
That is my Jesus. That is the God I serve. Sometimes I feel totally wiped out, but I know that He is my second wind; He is my energy; He is my driving force.
When I feel like I just can’t get out of bed& live another emotionally, spiritually, mentally exhausting day, Jesus reminds me that though sorrow lasts for a night, joy comes in the morning—- and He’s the one who puts that extra little pep in my step. Life is about perspective, and Jesus is the one with the always-correct perspective, therefore life is about JESUS, knowing Him, following Him, and adopting His perspective while seeking His heart.
So, all that to say: Sometimes I’m going to talk about how excited I am about A, B, and C. Sometimes I’m going to be absolutely overcome with joy about things, and I’m going to use way too many exclamation points, like I’m known to do. [Sometimes I just get so excited!!!!!! Like when I’m talking about seeing my best friends!!! Or puppies!!!! Or polar bears!!!! Or OH-MY-HEAVENS—CHRISTMAS!!!!! Haha.]
But I’m never going to falsely make people believe that I live some perfect, pain-free, worry-free, challenge-free life. Uh… That’s not real life. FACT.
I’m not some pie-in-the-sky, rainbows& butterflies, goody-goody-gumdrops ditzy girl who just thinks nothing bad is going to ever happen.
I’m a 25 year old woman, have had my share of heartaches& heartbreaks, and have seen a lot of pain in my short life.
However, to counteract that, I have ALSO met a loving, perfect, patient Savior who loved me before I ever gave Him a second thought, and who loves me still.
I follow a God who is stronger, greater, & more powerful than the worst struggle.
I have seen the brightness of His glory in the midst of what I thought to be my darkest day. And, now… Now, while I’m living in a house seemingly devoid of love, compassion, or patience… My loving, compassionate, patient God is living here with me. He is living in me& through me, and He is near. Always. I can’t see Him physically, but I know His presence enough to know He’s been here since day 1, and He’ll never leave.
When one person is not loving the other, and indifference & disregard flies in my face nearly 24/7, Jesus is telling me: “I love YOU. I love HIM. I love HER. I am here. You can love them, because I love you. You need to love them, because they are not loving each other, but I want to change that. My love changes things.
My love covers sin. My love transforms. My love heals. My love illuminates.
My love renews. LOVE. Always love. When you feel like you’re empty& you have nothing left to give, I’ll always give enough to spare.
Just hang out with Me& I’ll show you. You do your part, because I will always do mine, and I’ll never leave you without help. LOVE, Natalie.
Love silently. Love loudly. Love in your motives, your thoughts, your decisions, your plans, your words, & your actions. Just love.”
And… I can do that, because Jesus promises to help me, to never leave or forsake me, and to supply every need. Love is necessary. He will supply it.
I need to choose love; to choose life. To speak life.
I don’t have a perfect life, but I have a perfect God, and He gives me joy, renews my energy, gives me fresh perspective, and refocuses my vision. Life is hard. He never promised it would be easy. But He promised and currently promises to go with me, to get in the trenches with me& do the dirty work, and to propel my by the Holy Spirit and His purposes. So, overall, life is beautiful.
Truly beautiful. Thank You, Jesus.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Drained, Yet Being Filled. Oxymoron, or Pure Common Sense?
You can't fill something that is already full.
I am being emptied. Drained. Shaken. Repeat.
God, it's hard. You know it's hard. You know this is pushing me& pulling me in directions I never anticipated; causing me to feel& experience what I never imagined.
God, I'm tired. My heart is weak in a sense, & incredibly strong in a sense.
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick-- who can understand it?"
But then 2 Chronicles 16:9 says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him..."
I imagine that the first is the cold, hard fact of what human hearts are... We are imperfect people who are far too concerned with ourselves & our own well-being.
But the second is what we are capable of with You... What YOU are capable of because You have created us in Your image, and what happens when start becoming more like Jesus, by His presence and by the power& filling of the Holy Spirit.
Great things are promised. The impossible is made possible... and expected, even.
Your eyes wouldn't be searching for a blameless heart if it were impossible for us to achieve that. You aren't cruel, nor do You lead us through life, dangling a carrot on a stick in front of us.
You are a God of promises that You keep. You're a God of action, of great strength& power. You are our shield and our defense; our energy & our ability. You are driving this car, flying this plane, holding the reins, whatever else You want to call it.
I TRUST You. I trust YOU.
You are with me. Even when I feel like I'm up to my ears in frustration& impatience, somehow You come through& keep me going, & calm me down, & give me perspective. You fill me with love.
That has never been one of my personal tendencies. But, Jesus rescued me, & has put His identity in me, and JESUS is loving, He is patient, He is kind, He is gentle, He is compassionate-- therefore, now so am I... It's just a matter of whether I believe that I ALREADY HAVE all that I need to live this life& fight this fight, and whether I will take hold of what You have ALREADY GIVEN and use them... and break them in, & make them my own.
Bleh. Practice makes perfect. It's just the "perfecting" part I'm having trouble with.
I mean, I know You told me it wouldn't be easy... but You'd be with me.
And it isn't easy. And You are with me. You hold up Your end of the bargain.
Help me to live in a way that brings You honor& praise.
You deserve it so much more than I can ever verbalize, Lord.
You are beautiful. You are inexhaustible. I can't use enough adjectives to describe how in awe I am of You at any given moment.
Thank You for being here, and for always being near. God, You promised that You would never leave or forsake me. I hold onto that. As I live in a home that appears to be completely absent of love& joy, I HOLD ONTO THAT.
YOU, God, are Love. You are the Creator of love, the expression of love, the motivation of love.
You are peace. Peace is impossible& elusive without You. But... with You... peace is evident, it's nearly tangible; it's unexplainable... it just arrives, when we least expect it, or when we're most desperate for it.
Since I have You, love& peace are present in my life. But God, it's hard to not have that around. To live in such a loving home my whole life, with parents who love You supremely, who love each other deeply, who love Jen& me... They have been the best examples I could ever ask for, and I have taken it for granted for than I ever realized. My home with them-- with the tensions& struggles that every normal family of human beings will face-- has always been a fun, relaxed, peaceful, joyful, LOVING home. Now... well, now the home I find myself living in is quite different.
There are hurt feelings. Damage has been done, & I don't see love being given as it ought to be.
Forgiveness isn't present... It's spoken of... It's desired... but it isn't happening. There is pain, there is bitterness, there is betrayal, there is silence where there should be healing& forgiveness... and I am powerless to stop it.
It isn't my business, personally, but it IS my family. I try as I might to encourage, and to make my case as to why forgiveness should be happening, Bible verses shared on how we need to love because YOU loved us first, and how we can forgive much, because we are loved much... and how the prayers& example of a believing wife can save her unbelieving husband.
But... nothing. Crickets.
There is talk of change. There are conversations about needing to make an effort, needing to put the past aside & move on, needing to pray more& let go more. But there is no practice of it.
It's disheartening, Lord. It's tiring. It's draining. It's depressing. My grandma LOVES You. I know that. I know that she loves You deeply... but it's so, so difficult to see her changing so much because of what has been committed against her. She isn't who she used to be. It kills me to see that, and it's even harder to admit it.
God, I KNOW I do not have to carry this family on my back. That's Your job.
You are our Defender. You are our Strength. You are our Anchor. You are our Hope.
But I have to do something. You call me to live my life in love... To love loudly.
I'm trying, God. You know I'm trying. But I feel like, somewhere along the lines, I must be failing miserably, because I would have thought I'd be seeing more progress by now.
I feel that, if I were really being as good of an example as I'd hope to be, that I would be seeing miraculous things happen, healing, and love overflowing in this house.
Instead... crickets. Those damned crickets.
I feel like a child desperately trying to keep her parents from divorcing. Obviously I've never lived in that type of scenario, but this is what I imagine it would be like. Trying to get the two sides to get along. Answering questions for one when the other is giving the silent treatment. Trying to recall good memories of better times, in hopes to lighten the mood. Going places I don't want to go& doing things I don't want to do, for the sake of being the buffer.
God, Your love is powerful. It has the power to drastically& completely change lives.
I know it has changed mine, and Your love is continually changing me.
Please, God. Please send Your love in immeasurable, overflowing, impossible amounts.
We need You. I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue-- where else can I go? Only You have the words of eternal life. ONLY YOU.
Please give me more love than I have ever had before. Fill me so much with Your love, joy, & presence that my being cannot contain it and I HAVE to overflow it onto the people around me.
Not just with my grandparents, but with the doctors& receptionists& cashiers& pharmacists& Starbucks baristas& my grandparents' friends& my family& complete strangers.
Your love changes things... People... Situations... Perspectives... Attitudes... Opinions.
It is impossible for it not to. At some point, something has to give.
Somehow, somewhere, someone will buckle, and Your love will pour out onto this family like a flood.
A much-necessary flood after days, months, & years of drought.
I can't do this on my own.
And I thank You that You don't expect me to, nor do You WANT me to. I know You are with me. I know You're paving the way, and that You're also watching my back.
But, God, please send someone-- anyone-- to fight this battle with me. I know You are here, but I feel like I need someone at my side. Even if it's just someone to pray with... someone to share with& to listen to. God, I SO miss my friends in Yucca, and being with countless different people every week, and just getting together with people and LISTENING to what's going on with them, and being able to share what's going on in my life, and the growth, encouragement, & perspective that You bring from those conversations.
Right now I feel like that is at a standstill. I don't know anyone here... and the only ones I do know are being like the Dead Sea... Inlets, but no outlets. I can't talk to my grandparents about the problems I'm facing when the problems are their own. Nor would I ever want to. Nor do I feel like talking about what I'm dealing with when they're problems seem to be on such a greater scale, and I don't want to stress them out& raise their blood pressure.
God, I need a friend. I need someone to talk to, and someone to be my age with.
If that's not going to happen soon... Well, I will still trust You. And I know that You supply EVERY need, in Your timing. You are the friend who is closer than a brother. And as I spend more time with You, and as I see Your face more clearly, and as I get to know You better, seeing how You work and what motivates You.... Well, then, I will become more like You, and that's only ever going to be a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic thing.
Again, God... Please just show me to love more deeply. Help me to get myself out of the way so I can focus on the needs around me, trusting that You will take care of my needs as You always do.
Help me to communicate love with my motives, my thoughts, my words, my actions, my demeanor, my attitude, and even my eyes. If the eyes are the windows that see into the deepest part of a person, let people look into the depths of who I am & find You.
It's a big prayer, I know. But, hey, after praying for patience, I definitely NEED to pray for love, and lots of it. So, God, do the impossible as only You can.
I need You. I trust You. And I wait for You.
I am being emptied. Drained. Shaken. Repeat.
God, it's hard. You know it's hard. You know this is pushing me& pulling me in directions I never anticipated; causing me to feel& experience what I never imagined.
God, I'm tired. My heart is weak in a sense, & incredibly strong in a sense.
Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick-- who can understand it?"
But then 2 Chronicles 16:9 says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him..."
I imagine that the first is the cold, hard fact of what human hearts are... We are imperfect people who are far too concerned with ourselves & our own well-being.
But the second is what we are capable of with You... What YOU are capable of because You have created us in Your image, and what happens when start becoming more like Jesus, by His presence and by the power& filling of the Holy Spirit.
Great things are promised. The impossible is made possible... and expected, even.
Your eyes wouldn't be searching for a blameless heart if it were impossible for us to achieve that. You aren't cruel, nor do You lead us through life, dangling a carrot on a stick in front of us.
You are a God of promises that You keep. You're a God of action, of great strength& power. You are our shield and our defense; our energy & our ability. You are driving this car, flying this plane, holding the reins, whatever else You want to call it.
I TRUST You. I trust YOU.
You are with me. Even when I feel like I'm up to my ears in frustration& impatience, somehow You come through& keep me going, & calm me down, & give me perspective. You fill me with love.
That has never been one of my personal tendencies. But, Jesus rescued me, & has put His identity in me, and JESUS is loving, He is patient, He is kind, He is gentle, He is compassionate-- therefore, now so am I... It's just a matter of whether I believe that I ALREADY HAVE all that I need to live this life& fight this fight, and whether I will take hold of what You have ALREADY GIVEN and use them... and break them in, & make them my own.
Bleh. Practice makes perfect. It's just the "perfecting" part I'm having trouble with.
I mean, I know You told me it wouldn't be easy... but You'd be with me.
And it isn't easy. And You are with me. You hold up Your end of the bargain.
Help me to live in a way that brings You honor& praise.
You deserve it so much more than I can ever verbalize, Lord.
You are beautiful. You are inexhaustible. I can't use enough adjectives to describe how in awe I am of You at any given moment.
Thank You for being here, and for always being near. God, You promised that You would never leave or forsake me. I hold onto that. As I live in a home that appears to be completely absent of love& joy, I HOLD ONTO THAT.
YOU, God, are Love. You are the Creator of love, the expression of love, the motivation of love.
You are peace. Peace is impossible& elusive without You. But... with You... peace is evident, it's nearly tangible; it's unexplainable... it just arrives, when we least expect it, or when we're most desperate for it.
Since I have You, love& peace are present in my life. But God, it's hard to not have that around. To live in such a loving home my whole life, with parents who love You supremely, who love each other deeply, who love Jen& me... They have been the best examples I could ever ask for, and I have taken it for granted for than I ever realized. My home with them-- with the tensions& struggles that every normal family of human beings will face-- has always been a fun, relaxed, peaceful, joyful, LOVING home. Now... well, now the home I find myself living in is quite different.
There are hurt feelings. Damage has been done, & I don't see love being given as it ought to be.
Forgiveness isn't present... It's spoken of... It's desired... but it isn't happening. There is pain, there is bitterness, there is betrayal, there is silence where there should be healing& forgiveness... and I am powerless to stop it.
It isn't my business, personally, but it IS my family. I try as I might to encourage, and to make my case as to why forgiveness should be happening, Bible verses shared on how we need to love because YOU loved us first, and how we can forgive much, because we are loved much... and how the prayers& example of a believing wife can save her unbelieving husband.
But... nothing. Crickets.
There is talk of change. There are conversations about needing to make an effort, needing to put the past aside & move on, needing to pray more& let go more. But there is no practice of it.
It's disheartening, Lord. It's tiring. It's draining. It's depressing. My grandma LOVES You. I know that. I know that she loves You deeply... but it's so, so difficult to see her changing so much because of what has been committed against her. She isn't who she used to be. It kills me to see that, and it's even harder to admit it.
God, I KNOW I do not have to carry this family on my back. That's Your job.
You are our Defender. You are our Strength. You are our Anchor. You are our Hope.
But I have to do something. You call me to live my life in love... To love loudly.
I'm trying, God. You know I'm trying. But I feel like, somewhere along the lines, I must be failing miserably, because I would have thought I'd be seeing more progress by now.
I feel that, if I were really being as good of an example as I'd hope to be, that I would be seeing miraculous things happen, healing, and love overflowing in this house.
Instead... crickets. Those damned crickets.
I feel like a child desperately trying to keep her parents from divorcing. Obviously I've never lived in that type of scenario, but this is what I imagine it would be like. Trying to get the two sides to get along. Answering questions for one when the other is giving the silent treatment. Trying to recall good memories of better times, in hopes to lighten the mood. Going places I don't want to go& doing things I don't want to do, for the sake of being the buffer.
God, Your love is powerful. It has the power to drastically& completely change lives.
I know it has changed mine, and Your love is continually changing me.
Please, God. Please send Your love in immeasurable, overflowing, impossible amounts.
We need You. I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue-- where else can I go? Only You have the words of eternal life. ONLY YOU.
Please give me more love than I have ever had before. Fill me so much with Your love, joy, & presence that my being cannot contain it and I HAVE to overflow it onto the people around me.
Not just with my grandparents, but with the doctors& receptionists& cashiers& pharmacists& Starbucks baristas& my grandparents' friends& my family& complete strangers.
Your love changes things... People... Situations... Perspectives... Attitudes... Opinions.
It is impossible for it not to. At some point, something has to give.
Somehow, somewhere, someone will buckle, and Your love will pour out onto this family like a flood.
A much-necessary flood after days, months, & years of drought.
I can't do this on my own.
And I thank You that You don't expect me to, nor do You WANT me to. I know You are with me. I know You're paving the way, and that You're also watching my back.
But, God, please send someone-- anyone-- to fight this battle with me. I know You are here, but I feel like I need someone at my side. Even if it's just someone to pray with... someone to share with& to listen to. God, I SO miss my friends in Yucca, and being with countless different people every week, and just getting together with people and LISTENING to what's going on with them, and being able to share what's going on in my life, and the growth, encouragement, & perspective that You bring from those conversations.
Right now I feel like that is at a standstill. I don't know anyone here... and the only ones I do know are being like the Dead Sea... Inlets, but no outlets. I can't talk to my grandparents about the problems I'm facing when the problems are their own. Nor would I ever want to. Nor do I feel like talking about what I'm dealing with when they're problems seem to be on such a greater scale, and I don't want to stress them out& raise their blood pressure.
God, I need a friend. I need someone to talk to, and someone to be my age with.
If that's not going to happen soon... Well, I will still trust You. And I know that You supply EVERY need, in Your timing. You are the friend who is closer than a brother. And as I spend more time with You, and as I see Your face more clearly, and as I get to know You better, seeing how You work and what motivates You.... Well, then, I will become more like You, and that's only ever going to be a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic thing.
Again, God... Please just show me to love more deeply. Help me to get myself out of the way so I can focus on the needs around me, trusting that You will take care of my needs as You always do.
Help me to communicate love with my motives, my thoughts, my words, my actions, my demeanor, my attitude, and even my eyes. If the eyes are the windows that see into the deepest part of a person, let people look into the depths of who I am & find You.
It's a big prayer, I know. But, hey, after praying for patience, I definitely NEED to pray for love, and lots of it. So, God, do the impossible as only You can.
I need You. I trust You. And I wait for You.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
holy. moly.
Pretty sure, besides oatmeal, everything I've eaten today has been snack foods.
I'm moderately okay with that. I mean, the 4 year old in me is stoked. But the aspiring nutritionist is pretty disappointed.
Oh well. It's been a delicious day. I kind of have a stomachache now, though.
Hmm. Hindsight. You know.
Today was... INTERESTING.
Aside from the unceasing snacktime, I felt like I did a lot, but got little accomplished.
Case in point:
Drove my grandpa to a doctor's appointment.
Drove my grandparents to McDonald's, where we had breakfast& a nice, long chat with a sweet friend of theirs who encouraged me time& again to, "Travel! It's good for you!" Couldn't agree more.
[That was a nice point of the day. No feelings of wasted time. When sharing your life& love with another, even if simply by listening, you are never wasting time. That's my opinion, anyway.
Never be too busy for people. Even if you can't give significant time (hey, we all have responsibilities & schedules. That's life. And the American way...), give your interest& concern. It speaks volumes. And I speak from experience.]
Anyway, after breakfast, we went to the bank. Then to the post office. Then I drove home& dropped off my grandpa. Then my grandma& I went to Sam's Club.
We came home, unloaded groceries, & I made lunch for my grandpa.
Then my grandma and I had to go BACK to the bank, deal with some stuff, & go back home. I cleaned& did laundry. Then I gave my grandparents dinner, cleaned up, & left again to the grocery store& to the pharmacy.
I was out of the house at 4 different times today, running errands each time, and the only time I actually felt accomplished was when I was sitting& listening to a 70+ year old woman talk about life and what it was like growing up in Europe during the time of WWII.
I SO NEED a perspective change. I know that what I'm doing is worthwhile. I know that there is so much purpose in this season in my life. I know that the simple things like cooking& cleaning for my grandparents are important& worthy responsibilities... just as it was worthy, in Jesus' eyes, to give a child a cup of water in His name. Even though my grandparents still technically have each other, they really don't. It's not that I'm the glue holding them together... I know only the grace of God& His capability is holding them together... but I'm definitely the buffer and the peacemaker, and I see that. And I know it is a high, difficult, & blessed calling. My grandma's sweet Catholic friends from church call me her guardian angel.
I know I'm not. I'm just a typical human being... but one who is loved by God&, impossible as it is to truly fathom it, who is used by Him. I see that there are heights and depths Jesus is taking me to already, and so many more that He is just waiting to uncover, that I may discover. However, as it's overwhelming in a good way, my own perspective& misunderstanding& unwillingness can make this season overwhelming in a bad way.
I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I'm [ashamed to admit it, but] stressed. I'm lonely.
I don't like going to McDonald's every morning. I'd rather use the weekends to sleep in, make breakfast here, and leisurely enjoy my mornings at my own pace, reading& listening to podcasts, & laying in bed til at least 8:30.
I don't like dealing with money-- let alone anyone else's. Let alone anyone else's, especially when they've been swindled by someone they thought trustworthy. I know my grandparents can trust me implicitly, and I'd never betray them but, still... I want nothing to do with their bank visits. EVER.
I don't like being stuck in the car or house all day. I love chill days where I get to read and be quiet and not talk that much. But I also need to be active, need to be with people, need to be experiencing& exploring.
All work& no play makes Jack a dull boy. Except that my name is Natalie and I'm a girl.
It's rough having a 11-12 hour workday with no breaks. I'm at someone else's beck& call until about 7pm, after dinner is done& dishes are washed... then I escape to run my own errands& get out on my own. Sadly, the sun isn't up long after 7, and since I'm a single girl, I can't just be out& about, walking outside or going to sit at the park when it's dark and I'm all alone. This city may be bigger than home, but it's limiting& suffocating at times.
I need to meet people. I need friends, and people I can go out with... Safety in numbers. But not "go out" going out... I love eating& dancing just as much as the next girl, but I don't like clubs& bars and hanging out in them. I don't belong. I stick out like a sore thumb, drinking my water from a fancy glass with a black straw, eating nothing, because they all have gluten& dairy-filled menus.
I just want to go OUT.... as in OUTSIDE. For a walk, or a hike, or to sit at the park and watch the... uh... planes? go by. I want a dog to walk... at least that would keep me moderately safe.
I went to Starbucks tonight after I ran my errands. That was my plan all along.
To get out of the house by 7-ish, take care of some things that needed to be done, and sit at a coffee shop and read my book. So, I did.
I ordered my grande soy, no-water chai, and sat down to read The Alchemist.
The room was quiet, with other readers& students obviously studying for their first weeks of college. It was such a relaxing, enjoyable time, and the only thing I would've changed is that I would've been outdoors. But, hey, I'll take what I can get.
In The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho writes [from the perspective of Melchizedek, the wise old man], "It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary; only wise men are able to understand them."
You see, that's where my perspective has been off.
My life, while difficult, & changing, & new, & challenging... Has become quite simple.
Whereas before I was constantly with new/different people, keeping the same work schedule but filling my free time with everything [and everyone] under the sun, now I'm keeping quite a full "work schedule" and yet not deviating from it much with my "free time."
I use quotes, not because it's the "cool" thing to do [Ha.] but because my "free" time isn't really FREE. I feel a great sense of obligation to always be on call, to always be available, to not lock myself down in my room, painting or decorating or reading or cleaning or organizing or FREAKING UNPACKING... So, my free time is often taken up by running extra errands or being out of the house doing things chosen by another person.
That's fine& dandy Monday-Friday, but it gets old after awhile.
Maybe I'm selfish. But at least I'm honest.
Anyway, my schedule has become quite simple.
Baseline: To drive my grandparents everywhere they need to go, be present at all appointments, provide meals, to take vitals& administer medication, & to be available.
That takes up far more of my day than I ever imagined.
I've become a mom, for crying out loud. That's something I never expected... Literally NEVER crossed my mind before I came here. So many people can look at stay-at-home moms and think, "Wow... Lucky you, you get to live the good life& you don't have to work."
WHAT. A. LOAD. OF. CRAP.
I know stay-at-home moms. They never stop. The only time they rest is during naptime and, oftentimes, they're so looking forward to that 1-2 hour break that they fill it with every possible thing they want to accomplish [thus not resting] OR they knock out cold until their baby wakes them up [thus not being productive].
Thank God my grandparents don't depend on me like a baby depends on it's mother... but, still, holy cow, do they depend on me! I finally understand [to some degree... likely a very slight degree] what it's like to be a mother, and for my time to NOT be my time.
Yet, no one could EVER tell a mother, "Eh. Your job is insignificant. It's simple. Not much to it." Maybe the schedule is simple& tedious& unchanging enough. But the simplicity is wrapped up in miles of purpose, depth, worth, & inexplicable value.
One of the attributes of God is the love, tenderness, & concern of a mother.
That's HUGE. That's saying something about mothers and their roles.
[And about the roles of pseudo-mothers, like me. ]
This phase in my life, challenging as it may be, is rather simple.
Yet, in the simple times, the extraordinary is found... and only wise men are able to understand that.
I've missed that point. Drastically. Often. Embarrassingly.
I am striving, seeking, searching, aiming to live an extraordinary life.
A life extraordinarily given to Jesus. Led by the Holy Spirit. Completely surrendered to God's plans, His heart, His purposes, & His glory.
I want my life to be SO hidden with Christ in God that I become transparent and He alone is clearly seen. I want the most vivid thing about my life, my words, my actions, my motives, and my habits to be that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, He is Love, & He is on the throne.
I want people to see God for who HE is: Creator. Artist. Musician. Lover. Giver. Father. Sacrificer. I want people to realize God is not an ogre, nor is He a fire-breathing dragon, waiting anxiously for people to screw up so He can burn us up or strike us with lightning.
He doesn't sit on some high cloud, waiting to strike.
On the contrary, He waits. He watches.
He sees when we fall, and He picks us up every single time... Only with Him are we able to fall down 7 times and get up 8... because He is picking us up, bandaging our wounds, and teaching us how to walk.
HE IS LOVE, the fullness of love, the epitome of love, the Creator of love, the origin of love.
Loving others& living for others is challenging. My selfish me doesn't like doing it. My Christian me doesn't like doing it 50% of the time. Flesh vs. spirit, you know?
It's a real battle. It's hard. It's hell.
But I have a Savior, an Anchor, a Hope, a JESUS who fights FOR me and who stands on the front lines WITH me, enabling me to fight the good fight of faith, to move forward, to press on toward the goal-- He is the goal.
He is worth every minute of this new phase of dying to myself. He is refining me& perfecting me; searing off the parts that are killing me or weakening me.
I hope& pray& expect that He will come through, and that He will help me let go of SO MUCH of the selfishness, impatience, pride, and individualism that remains.
By His grace, may I be a softer person, a gentler person, a meek woman-- having great strength, but tempered by kindness, compassion, and patience, as only Jesus can enable.
WOW. Wasn't expecting for any of that to come out.
It just... did. On that note, I'm exhausted & going to bed. Yes. Before midnight.
Baaaarely. But, hey, it's a start.
I'm moderately okay with that. I mean, the 4 year old in me is stoked. But the aspiring nutritionist is pretty disappointed.
Oh well. It's been a delicious day. I kind of have a stomachache now, though.
Hmm. Hindsight. You know.
Today was... INTERESTING.
Aside from the unceasing snacktime, I felt like I did a lot, but got little accomplished.
Case in point:
Drove my grandpa to a doctor's appointment.
Drove my grandparents to McDonald's, where we had breakfast& a nice, long chat with a sweet friend of theirs who encouraged me time& again to, "Travel! It's good for you!" Couldn't agree more.
[That was a nice point of the day. No feelings of wasted time. When sharing your life& love with another, even if simply by listening, you are never wasting time. That's my opinion, anyway.
Never be too busy for people. Even if you can't give significant time (hey, we all have responsibilities & schedules. That's life. And the American way...), give your interest& concern. It speaks volumes. And I speak from experience.]
Anyway, after breakfast, we went to the bank. Then to the post office. Then I drove home& dropped off my grandpa. Then my grandma& I went to Sam's Club.
We came home, unloaded groceries, & I made lunch for my grandpa.
Then my grandma and I had to go BACK to the bank, deal with some stuff, & go back home. I cleaned& did laundry. Then I gave my grandparents dinner, cleaned up, & left again to the grocery store& to the pharmacy.
I was out of the house at 4 different times today, running errands each time, and the only time I actually felt accomplished was when I was sitting& listening to a 70+ year old woman talk about life and what it was like growing up in Europe during the time of WWII.
I SO NEED a perspective change. I know that what I'm doing is worthwhile. I know that there is so much purpose in this season in my life. I know that the simple things like cooking& cleaning for my grandparents are important& worthy responsibilities... just as it was worthy, in Jesus' eyes, to give a child a cup of water in His name. Even though my grandparents still technically have each other, they really don't. It's not that I'm the glue holding them together... I know only the grace of God& His capability is holding them together... but I'm definitely the buffer and the peacemaker, and I see that. And I know it is a high, difficult, & blessed calling. My grandma's sweet Catholic friends from church call me her guardian angel.
I know I'm not. I'm just a typical human being... but one who is loved by God&, impossible as it is to truly fathom it, who is used by Him. I see that there are heights and depths Jesus is taking me to already, and so many more that He is just waiting to uncover, that I may discover. However, as it's overwhelming in a good way, my own perspective& misunderstanding& unwillingness can make this season overwhelming in a bad way.
I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I'm [ashamed to admit it, but] stressed. I'm lonely.
I don't like going to McDonald's every morning. I'd rather use the weekends to sleep in, make breakfast here, and leisurely enjoy my mornings at my own pace, reading& listening to podcasts, & laying in bed til at least 8:30.
I don't like dealing with money-- let alone anyone else's. Let alone anyone else's, especially when they've been swindled by someone they thought trustworthy. I know my grandparents can trust me implicitly, and I'd never betray them but, still... I want nothing to do with their bank visits. EVER.
I don't like being stuck in the car or house all day. I love chill days where I get to read and be quiet and not talk that much. But I also need to be active, need to be with people, need to be experiencing& exploring.
All work& no play makes Jack a dull boy. Except that my name is Natalie and I'm a girl.
It's rough having a 11-12 hour workday with no breaks. I'm at someone else's beck& call until about 7pm, after dinner is done& dishes are washed... then I escape to run my own errands& get out on my own. Sadly, the sun isn't up long after 7, and since I'm a single girl, I can't just be out& about, walking outside or going to sit at the park when it's dark and I'm all alone. This city may be bigger than home, but it's limiting& suffocating at times.
I need to meet people. I need friends, and people I can go out with... Safety in numbers. But not "go out" going out... I love eating& dancing just as much as the next girl, but I don't like clubs& bars and hanging out in them. I don't belong. I stick out like a sore thumb, drinking my water from a fancy glass with a black straw, eating nothing, because they all have gluten& dairy-filled menus.
I just want to go OUT.... as in OUTSIDE. For a walk, or a hike, or to sit at the park and watch the... uh... planes? go by. I want a dog to walk... at least that would keep me moderately safe.
I went to Starbucks tonight after I ran my errands. That was my plan all along.
To get out of the house by 7-ish, take care of some things that needed to be done, and sit at a coffee shop and read my book. So, I did.
I ordered my grande soy, no-water chai, and sat down to read The Alchemist.
The room was quiet, with other readers& students obviously studying for their first weeks of college. It was such a relaxing, enjoyable time, and the only thing I would've changed is that I would've been outdoors. But, hey, I'll take what I can get.
In The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho writes [from the perspective of Melchizedek, the wise old man], "It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary; only wise men are able to understand them."
You see, that's where my perspective has been off.
My life, while difficult, & changing, & new, & challenging... Has become quite simple.
Whereas before I was constantly with new/different people, keeping the same work schedule but filling my free time with everything [and everyone] under the sun, now I'm keeping quite a full "work schedule" and yet not deviating from it much with my "free time."
I use quotes, not because it's the "cool" thing to do [Ha.] but because my "free" time isn't really FREE. I feel a great sense of obligation to always be on call, to always be available, to not lock myself down in my room, painting or decorating or reading or cleaning or organizing or FREAKING UNPACKING... So, my free time is often taken up by running extra errands or being out of the house doing things chosen by another person.
That's fine& dandy Monday-Friday, but it gets old after awhile.
Anyway, my schedule has become quite simple.
Baseline: To drive my grandparents everywhere they need to go, be present at all appointments, provide meals, to take vitals& administer medication, & to be available.
That takes up far more of my day than I ever imagined.
I've become a mom, for crying out loud. That's something I never expected... Literally NEVER crossed my mind before I came here. So many people can look at stay-at-home moms and think, "Wow... Lucky you, you get to live the good life& you don't have to work."
WHAT. A. LOAD. OF. CRAP.
I know stay-at-home moms. They never stop. The only time they rest is during naptime and, oftentimes, they're so looking forward to that 1-2 hour break that they fill it with every possible thing they want to accomplish [thus not resting] OR they knock out cold until their baby wakes them up [thus not being productive].
Thank God my grandparents don't depend on me like a baby depends on it's mother... but, still, holy cow, do they depend on me! I finally understand [to some degree... likely a very slight degree] what it's like to be a mother, and for my time to NOT be my time.
Yet, no one could EVER tell a mother, "Eh. Your job is insignificant. It's simple. Not much to it." Maybe the schedule is simple& tedious& unchanging enough. But the simplicity is wrapped up in miles of purpose, depth, worth, & inexplicable value.
One of the attributes of God is the love, tenderness, & concern of a mother.
That's HUGE. That's saying something about mothers and their roles.
[And about the roles of pseudo-mothers, like me. ]
This phase in my life, challenging as it may be, is rather simple.
Yet, in the simple times, the extraordinary is found... and only wise men are able to understand that.
I've missed that point. Drastically. Often. Embarrassingly.
I am striving, seeking, searching, aiming to live an extraordinary life.
A life extraordinarily given to Jesus. Led by the Holy Spirit. Completely surrendered to God's plans, His heart, His purposes, & His glory.
I want my life to be SO hidden with Christ in God that I become transparent and He alone is clearly seen. I want the most vivid thing about my life, my words, my actions, my motives, and my habits to be that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, He is Love, & He is on the throne.
I want people to see God for who HE is: Creator. Artist. Musician. Lover. Giver. Father. Sacrificer. I want people to realize God is not an ogre, nor is He a fire-breathing dragon, waiting anxiously for people to screw up so He can burn us up or strike us with lightning.
He doesn't sit on some high cloud, waiting to strike.
On the contrary, He waits. He watches.
He sees when we fall, and He picks us up every single time... Only with Him are we able to fall down 7 times and get up 8... because He is picking us up, bandaging our wounds, and teaching us how to walk.
HE IS LOVE, the fullness of love, the epitome of love, the Creator of love, the origin of love.
Loving others& living for others is challenging. My selfish me doesn't like doing it. My Christian me doesn't like doing it 50% of the time. Flesh vs. spirit, you know?
It's a real battle. It's hard. It's hell.
But I have a Savior, an Anchor, a Hope, a JESUS who fights FOR me and who stands on the front lines WITH me, enabling me to fight the good fight of faith, to move forward, to press on toward the goal-- He is the goal.
He is worth every minute of this new phase of dying to myself. He is refining me& perfecting me; searing off the parts that are killing me or weakening me.
I hope& pray& expect that He will come through, and that He will help me let go of SO MUCH of the selfishness, impatience, pride, and individualism that remains.
By His grace, may I be a softer person, a gentler person, a meek woman-- having great strength, but tempered by kindness, compassion, and patience, as only Jesus can enable.
WOW. Wasn't expecting for any of that to come out.
It just... did. On that note, I'm exhausted & going to bed. Yes. Before midnight.
Baaaarely. But, hey, it's a start.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
the hits just keep coming...
and at least they’re keeping me on my toes!
so, storytime:
i was out of town [by “out of town” i mean i left LA and was at home in yucca all week], last week and just got back to LA yesterday at 5pm.
lo and behold, i realized that i was locked out of my room. there is ONE key to the downstairs floor [which is where i live], and my grandma gave it to me before i left, and locked the door so my room would be left alone. welllllllllll, who knows what happened to that elusive key, because the key on my keyring that i THOUGHT was the room key actually doesn’t work. who knows where it is? possibly lost on a random sidewalk somewhere.
anyway, after unsuccessfully trying to pick the lock with a bobbypin [hey, i’ve done it before…], i decided to just sleep in the main guest room on the main floor of the house, right across the hall from my grandma.
i honestly just wanted to get into my room, unpack, and clean, but i was so hot & tired yesterday AND unsuccessful in breaking in, so i stayed up here.
finally went to bed around 12:30, only to be woken up at 4:30 by my grandma’s voice.
[THANK GOD I AM A LIGHT SLEEPER. i kid you not. i used to sleep through earthquakes & power tools when i was a kid.]
she had been awake since 3:30, in a cold sweat, dizzy, and vomiting, and finally at 4:30 decided to wake me up. my grandma is one tough cookie, so the fact that she woke me up at all alarmed me.
i asked her some questions, but when i realized she could hardly walk and couldn’t see straight, i called the ambulance. they were here within 5 minutes, and we were on our way to the hospital in 15.
luckily, because i am her granddaughter as well as my grandparents’ caregiver, the paramedics & nurses let me into the ER with her right away. they did all the preliminary stuff of checking her vitals, asking 12 billion questions, and all that jazz.
they decided to do a CT scan, “just to be safe” and, on it, they found a small nodule [aka lump, in normal-speak] on the lining of her brain. the doctor came back& talked to me about it, and we decided he should do an MRI while we were still there. unfortunately, the MRI was “inconclusive”, so she needs to go for further testing tomorrow, but the episode itself was ruled as being a bad case of vertigo. the lump is unrelated to the vertigo, but luckily they found it while testing her FOR the vertigo. my family& i are hoping and praying it’s nothing but, regardless, thank God whatever it is was found early on and can be taken care of before it gets worse.
although this has been a mentally& physically exhausting day, i am ridiculously and impossibly BLESSED— truly blessed— to love& follow& serve a God who is in control of all the tiniest [seemingly unimportant] details.
#1) i got back yesterday. and this happened early this morning. coincidence? maybe to you, but i don’t believe in coincidences. i see that as God’s protection. especially since the caregiver who fills in for me doesn’t stay the night with them, or stay here on the weekends like i do. if this would have happened last weekend, no one would have been here for her.
#2) i still have ZERO idea what happened to that key, but thank God i lost it! if i’d have been able to get into my room, i would have been on a different floor when this happened. plus, the walls down there are like a fortress… it’s difficult to hear anything but louuuuuuud music when i’m downstairs. also, the way the stairs are positioned, it would have been extremely dangerous for my grandma [in all her dizzyness] to even try to open the door to wake me up. the angle& steepness of that staircase could have really heightened the vertigo symptoms.
yeah. i don’t even want to think about that. bleh. :(
#3) when i sent a “please pray!” text to a handful of friends this morning, i got a reply from gena [my friend& previous co-worker/supervisor] saying, “i have been in prayer all night! so strange!” and proceeded to tell me she’d been awake & praying since 3:30 in the morning… which is when my grandma woke up& first got sick. by the time i sent the text from the hospital, gena had already been praying for 2 hours. GOD. IS. FAITHFUL. the Holy Spirit is so powerful… He always has the perfect timing.
this responsibility is definitely the most difficult one i’ve ever had to face… two people depending on me with their lives, whether casually or seriously. i’ve never had to do anything like this before [especially not constantly; daily], and today i was thinking, “i don’t know if i can handle this… this is more than i was expecting.
i never thought i’d be in and out of so many hospital rooms & unexpected situations.”
but, i stick to my guns:
i’m here until God says, “leave.”
and i can do ALL things—- every, single thing—- through Christ who gives me strength. i met a pastor last week who, when he heard about what i’m doing, said, “oh wow. so, you’re a mom now.”
haha. and, yeah, i guess it does feel that way in certain circumstances. that aspect of, “well, your health& well-being is more important than my plans/my sleep/my agenda, etc.”
i’m not claiming to be the most patient, giving, or others-focused person.
i’m not.
as a matter of fact, living here& becoming a caregiver, and giving my schedule to someone else to dictate for me has been one big butt-kicking. it’s unnatural to me— me: natalie aceves, the independent, spontaneous one who loves flying by the seat of her pants.
but, as my dear friend audrey said [in speaking of her daughter]: "yeah, maybe i have to give up some things for her. but it’s worth it to me, if it’s what’s best for her. i love her so much& want what’s best for her, no matter what.”
BOOM.
couldn’t have said it better myself, aud.
i know i’m not going to be here, doing this, forever.
but, for the time being, i’m here.
it’s a challenge, it’s physically, mentally, & emotionally tiring, but it’s worth it.
Jesus gives me strength. He gives me energy.
He gives me wisdom into situations i’ve never been in & don’t know anything about.
He keeps me calm in the midst of scary experiences.
& He has flooded me with His love& forgiveness so i can overflow that same love& forgiveness onto others.
He is taking me further up& farther into a deeply trusting relationship with Him, and i couldn’t be in better, more protective hands.
i am held close to the heart of a Man who is perfectly compassionate, understanding, & concerned with the lives of people.
mine& my families’ included. yours included.
trust Him. He won’t leave you hanging.
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Never Once.
"Kneeling on this battle ground, seeing just how much You’ve done,
Knowing every victory is Your power in us.
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say,
"Never once did we ever walk alone!"
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once did we ever walk alone,
Never once did You leave us on our own,
You are faithful, God, You are faithful!
Every step we are breathing in Your grace,
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise.
You are faithful, God, You are faithful,
You are faithful, God, You are faithful!"
-Matt Redman; Never Once
God, thank You for Your promises. When I am absolutely broken& on my face in front of You, feeling tired& defeated& lame& unloving& frustrated, You always say the perfect thing& remind me of promises You made YEARS ago.
Jesus said, "I am with you always, even to the end of the world."
He also said, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again."
God, THANK YOU. I can't thank You enough. I can't stop bawling like a little baby at the reminder of Your perfect love& compassion. You consider us. You love us-- oh, how You love us! You are absolutely concerned with every detail of our lives, no matter insignificant they may seem to the human mind. You are faithful, God-- You are faithful!
I don't have to walk alone. I never have, and I never will. No matter what-- even when I am trailing miles behind You or trying to walk two steps ahead of You, You're always with me. You're always walking with me; always guiding me. You're making sure I don't fall into a ditch. And when I DO fall flat on my face, You're always right next to me to pick me up& bandage the wounds.
And GOD ALMIGHTY, You know there are wounds! I've prayed for months& years, "Break my heart for what breaks Yours..." My heart is breaking. It aches for people, and for their depression and anxiety and oppression.
Now I'm asking You, "Make it stop! I can't take it!"
But God, You know what I can take. You know what I can handle, and You'll never give me more than that, even when I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.
You give the strength to face the most difficult situations. The most hurtful parts of life.
The deepest betrayals, and the sadness of having to stand by and watch, unable to do anything to stop what has already been done to another.
GOD, MY HEART HURTS. It aches. It is weak.
I can't stand on the sidelines and watch anymore.
My hands aren't tied... I believe and know that You have created humankind to be Your hands and feet. To love, to hug, to console, to support, to enjoy, to accompany, to strengthen, & to help others. To be loved by others. To form a team, a united front.
They will know us by our love, Lord. Love is SEEN. Love is action, it is choices, it is words& it is not invisible. True love is the most visible, and is nearly tangible.
Fill me with love, Lord. Fill me with the resolve to love, NO MATTER WHAT, even when I find the object in question unworthy. I know that I, too, am unworthy. Yet You love me anyway. You've loved me since the beginning of time, and even before.
It blows my mind to believe-- not even to simply believe, but to KNOW-- that You love me, and You seem to have no problem loving me. I have never seen in the Bible where it says, "Although they were foolish, rebellious, frustrating people who were impossible to love, God reluctantly loved them anyway, even though it nearly killed Him."
Nowhere.
Sadly, I can be a begrudging lover. It's HARD. It's sometimes the exact opposite of what I would like to choose. Sometimes I want to yell or scream or give someone a piece of my mind, or mentally shut down& take off by myself. I want to run. I want to escape. I want to emotionally detach myself from situations/people where loving is a challenge.
But I can't do that. If I detached myself from all situations where loving is challenging, I would never love. Ever. I wouldn't have the opportunity to love if I only wanted perfect, controlled, easy, predictable environments where choosing love is easy.I'd be a hermit. And a lonely, depressed, shrew.
Without people in my life, I can't truly practice love. Sure, I can say, "Well, I love You, God, and You're all I need. I show You my love, and I receive Yours, so there is a sense of give& take, here. There is an outlet as well as an inlet."
But that's a bunch of crap, excuses, and an incomplete understanding, and You know it.
Of course it's easy to love You. You're perfect! You loved me first, and You will always love me more than I will ever love You. Always. Because You are love, and You are the perfect, complete Giver. You have done everything for me, You have given me everything I ever needed, never deserved, and ever truly wanted. You've given me life, hope, joy, peace, enjoyment, excitement, adventure, trust, confidence, rest, security... The list goes on& on.
Loving You is paramount, and it is key!
Without You as my foundation, I could never truly give or receive love to any other person.
However, just being loved by You& loving You back isn't the end of the story.
That is further seen in how I love people who are hard to love, and how I am loved by people when I'm being a selfish, unlovable, self-righteous, impatient brat.
Through all of that [and more], You have loved me. You love me with an everlasting love, and You continually draw me to Yourself. When I walk away, You call my name& ask me to return. When I start leaving, You come after me. When You knock& I don't answer, You knock louder. When I try to tell You what I want to do and how I want to do it, and disregard Your perfect plans, You quietly tell me to stop talking& listen... and then You begin to tell me the most wonderful plans You have for me. Or... Sometimes You don't tell me what they are, but You tell me that You are in control, that You know my future, and that I need to chill out & trust You.
NEVER ONCE HAVE I EVER WALKED ALONE.
NEVER ONCE HAVE YOU LEFT ME ON MY OWN.
YOU ARE FAITHFUL, GOD-- YOU ARE FAITHFUL!!
Help me to truly love how You do. Help me to have patience with people the way You have patience with me, and to forgive others as You have forgiven me.
Even the worst crimes& the deepest betrayals don't give me the excuse to dismiss a person, to choose to not love them, or to be rude or retaliate.
If You've loved me with the most perfect, longsuffering love, You can also fill me with that same love for others.
We can't give what we don't have-- But what You've given, You expect us to give back to You AND give to others!
And since You have given the best gifts, the most perfect love that suffers long, and unending forgiveness, You want me to give that to people, too. I'm obviously not perfect, and You know I won't do it 100% right or 100% of the time, but You are able, God. My identity is in Jesus, and when I'm identifying with Him, I'll begin to look like Him, to speak like Him, to act like Him. I can't wait for the day that I resemble Him so much that people notice and say, "Wait a second... You remind me of someone..."
You are faithful, God.
You are able.
Help me. And thank You that You can, You will, and You already ARE working, helping, defending, and fighting on my behalf and on behalf of those around me.
Bring the truth to light. Break the chains that surround us. Free us, Lord. Destroy Satan... You have already defeated Him! Please remind us that he cannot destroy us... He can try as he might, and he will try... but he will not defeat us. Jesus has defeated him already, and the victory is ours.
Please remind me of that beautiful truth, and help my family& I to walk in it.
Heal broken& hurting hearts. Repair emotions, spirits, and mentalities. God, You can.
We are broken, Lord. My family is hurting. But that is when You swoop in, pick us up, & carry us. You heal us& bandage us, and You nurse us back to health.
Thank You for Your comfort.
Knowing every victory is Your power in us.
Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say,
"Never once did we ever walk alone!"
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once did we ever walk alone,
Never once did You leave us on our own,
You are faithful, God, You are faithful!
Every step we are breathing in Your grace,
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise.
You are faithful, God, You are faithful,
You are faithful, God, You are faithful!"
-Matt Redman; Never Once
God, thank You for Your promises. When I am absolutely broken& on my face in front of You, feeling tired& defeated& lame& unloving& frustrated, You always say the perfect thing& remind me of promises You made YEARS ago.
Jesus said, "I am with you always, even to the end of the world."
He also said, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. Remember what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again."
God, THANK YOU. I can't thank You enough. I can't stop bawling like a little baby at the reminder of Your perfect love& compassion. You consider us. You love us-- oh, how You love us! You are absolutely concerned with every detail of our lives, no matter insignificant they may seem to the human mind. You are faithful, God-- You are faithful!
I don't have to walk alone. I never have, and I never will. No matter what-- even when I am trailing miles behind You or trying to walk two steps ahead of You, You're always with me. You're always walking with me; always guiding me. You're making sure I don't fall into a ditch. And when I DO fall flat on my face, You're always right next to me to pick me up& bandage the wounds.
And GOD ALMIGHTY, You know there are wounds! I've prayed for months& years, "Break my heart for what breaks Yours..." My heart is breaking. It aches for people, and for their depression and anxiety and oppression.
Now I'm asking You, "Make it stop! I can't take it!"
But God, You know what I can take. You know what I can handle, and You'll never give me more than that, even when I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.
You give the strength to face the most difficult situations. The most hurtful parts of life.
The deepest betrayals, and the sadness of having to stand by and watch, unable to do anything to stop what has already been done to another.
GOD, MY HEART HURTS. It aches. It is weak.
I can't stand on the sidelines and watch anymore.
My hands aren't tied... I believe and know that You have created humankind to be Your hands and feet. To love, to hug, to console, to support, to enjoy, to accompany, to strengthen, & to help others. To be loved by others. To form a team, a united front.
They will know us by our love, Lord. Love is SEEN. Love is action, it is choices, it is words& it is not invisible. True love is the most visible, and is nearly tangible.
Fill me with love, Lord. Fill me with the resolve to love, NO MATTER WHAT, even when I find the object in question unworthy. I know that I, too, am unworthy. Yet You love me anyway. You've loved me since the beginning of time, and even before.
It blows my mind to believe-- not even to simply believe, but to KNOW-- that You love me, and You seem to have no problem loving me. I have never seen in the Bible where it says, "Although they were foolish, rebellious, frustrating people who were impossible to love, God reluctantly loved them anyway, even though it nearly killed Him."
Nowhere.
Sadly, I can be a begrudging lover. It's HARD. It's sometimes the exact opposite of what I would like to choose. Sometimes I want to yell or scream or give someone a piece of my mind, or mentally shut down& take off by myself. I want to run. I want to escape. I want to emotionally detach myself from situations/people where loving is a challenge.
But I can't do that. If I detached myself from all situations where loving is challenging, I would never love. Ever. I wouldn't have the opportunity to love if I only wanted perfect, controlled, easy, predictable environments where choosing love is easy.I'd be a hermit. And a lonely, depressed, shrew.
Without people in my life, I can't truly practice love. Sure, I can say, "Well, I love You, God, and You're all I need. I show You my love, and I receive Yours, so there is a sense of give& take, here. There is an outlet as well as an inlet."
But that's a bunch of crap, excuses, and an incomplete understanding, and You know it.
Of course it's easy to love You. You're perfect! You loved me first, and You will always love me more than I will ever love You. Always. Because You are love, and You are the perfect, complete Giver. You have done everything for me, You have given me everything I ever needed, never deserved, and ever truly wanted. You've given me life, hope, joy, peace, enjoyment, excitement, adventure, trust, confidence, rest, security... The list goes on& on.
Loving You is paramount, and it is key!
Without You as my foundation, I could never truly give or receive love to any other person.
However, just being loved by You& loving You back isn't the end of the story.
That is further seen in how I love people who are hard to love, and how I am loved by people when I'm being a selfish, unlovable, self-righteous, impatient brat.
Through all of that [and more], You have loved me. You love me with an everlasting love, and You continually draw me to Yourself. When I walk away, You call my name& ask me to return. When I start leaving, You come after me. When You knock& I don't answer, You knock louder. When I try to tell You what I want to do and how I want to do it, and disregard Your perfect plans, You quietly tell me to stop talking& listen... and then You begin to tell me the most wonderful plans You have for me. Or... Sometimes You don't tell me what they are, but You tell me that You are in control, that You know my future, and that I need to chill out & trust You.
NEVER ONCE HAVE I EVER WALKED ALONE.
NEVER ONCE HAVE YOU LEFT ME ON MY OWN.
YOU ARE FAITHFUL, GOD-- YOU ARE FAITHFUL!!
Help me to truly love how You do. Help me to have patience with people the way You have patience with me, and to forgive others as You have forgiven me.
Even the worst crimes& the deepest betrayals don't give me the excuse to dismiss a person, to choose to not love them, or to be rude or retaliate.
If You've loved me with the most perfect, longsuffering love, You can also fill me with that same love for others.
We can't give what we don't have-- But what You've given, You expect us to give back to You AND give to others!
And since You have given the best gifts, the most perfect love that suffers long, and unending forgiveness, You want me to give that to people, too. I'm obviously not perfect, and You know I won't do it 100% right or 100% of the time, but You are able, God. My identity is in Jesus, and when I'm identifying with Him, I'll begin to look like Him, to speak like Him, to act like Him. I can't wait for the day that I resemble Him so much that people notice and say, "Wait a second... You remind me of someone..."
You are faithful, God.
You are able.
Help me. And thank You that You can, You will, and You already ARE working, helping, defending, and fighting on my behalf and on behalf of those around me.
Bring the truth to light. Break the chains that surround us. Free us, Lord. Destroy Satan... You have already defeated Him! Please remind us that he cannot destroy us... He can try as he might, and he will try... but he will not defeat us. Jesus has defeated him already, and the victory is ours.
Please remind me of that beautiful truth, and help my family& I to walk in it.
Heal broken& hurting hearts. Repair emotions, spirits, and mentalities. God, You can.
We are broken, Lord. My family is hurting. But that is when You swoop in, pick us up, & carry us. You heal us& bandage us, and You nurse us back to health.
Thank You for Your comfort.
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