words in the water.

Standing knee deep in cold water, swiftly moving, somehow I knew I’d lost something. Wading waist deep, I saw a book there in the river, waiting for me to find it there.
I tried to read it, neck deep, treading water. But the tide, it pulled me out to sea.
Then, with water in my eyes, the words began to rise from their place.
They were beautiful and dread; I reached for them and fed on each phrase.
They were honey on my lips, but then a bitter twist in my side.
I knew they’d lay me in my grave; "Is there no one who can save me?" I cried.

Sinking, down deep through cold water and heavy silence, shadows stirring in the gloom. What things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?
And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book from my hands; All its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands.

I felt white and black reverse, and the lifting a curse from my heart.
Then like one receiving sight, I beheld a brilliant light in the dark.

-- "words in the water": thrice; major/minor


so, i can say as i sit here with tears streaming down my face, that this will probably be a heavier post.



all i can say is: Jesus, i need You. more& more& more than i ever thought.
i also HAVE more of Jesus than i ever realized.
Jesus is here. He is with me. all the time. every second of every minute of every day.
every week, every month, every year. He is here.
He doesn't leave me; He doesn't let me go.


lately, He has been speaking to me so much about my motives, my ideas, & the words that are in my mind, that are never spoken--yet which He hears loudly& clearly.


sadly, i've been faced with the fact that i can be very judgmental in my thoughts. i can look at people or situations or overhear conversations, and IMMEDIATELY form an opinion.
why do i think my opinion or my perception is so important anyway?
what does my opinion matter? nothing. nothing at all.

it is God's opinion, and His purpose, & His prerogative that matter.
and, you know what? Jesus is far more forgiving, loving, & accepting than we portray Him to be. look at the gospels. look at the life of Jesus. look at His words; His actions.
the people He adamantly speaks against are the hyper-religious leaders, who try to walk around like they're the holiest dudes in the joint, yet who are getting it ALL wrong, who are covering their own faults, who are treating people rudely& with severe judgmentalism, who are trying to formulate following Jesus into rules& regulations; black& white.
they are the ones who are trying to systematize everything; the ones who speak down to Jesus for sitting, talking, and listening to people whom they don't think deserve an audience.

to the "unimportant", "filthy", "unworthy" people, Jesus gives an audience; a listening ear.

how many times am i like those rude, unloving, opinionated pharisees?
the ones who undermine Jesus' authority by overriding it with their own?
who the hell did they think they were?
who do i think i am, with my opinions? why do they matter?


what about loving people as Jesus does?
yes, there is definitely a point in sharing the truth where the truth hurts. it stings. sometimes it cuts like a knife. it hurts to be told you're doing something wrong, when you've thought you had it right. it's offensive for someone to say, "yeah.... that right there? that needs to go. far, far away." Jesus is offensive ONLY in that our ideas, perceptions, and egos are pierced by Him, and shown to be untrue, wrong, or "lesser" when compared to Him.


He says, "you've got it wrong, but let me show you how to live the right way."
He's only offensive in the fact that we're so egocentric that we rarely WANT to be proven wrong. however, He is so kind, so forgiving, & so compassionate in the fact that He shows us how to do things the right way.


He says, "if you'll just follow Me, I'll show you. I'll walk in the direction I've been going, and I just want you to follow Me. I'll hold your hand, even. if you fall, don't worry; I'll be right there& I'll help you back up. I refuse to leave you behind. I want you to follow My lead, to walk in My direction... but don't get too far behind, or you'll lose sight of Me& you'll end up getting lost.
I want to bring you to where I am; to the closest part of Me... but, in order to do that, you've got to pick up your cross& follow Me. it's an uphill climb, so it's going to be challenging& tiring& sometimes even maddening. but you can and NEED to lay your burdens down, & I'll carry them for you... unless they're worthless; then I'll just throw them away."



man, i love Him. i can't even express it in words. at all. just... love. love, love, love.


for whatever reason, i've lately been reminded of how much God loves me, and how much i've been forgiven. i believe Jesus is restoring the joy of my salvation, because i've lately been broken by my sin so much more than i can remember being broken.
maybe it's because i spend so much time alone now; time sitting& thinking& reading& listening& observing.


i hear the words of others-- words which are so cruel, so cutting, so biting, so harsh& offensive. so judgmental. people whispering about others; people calling names; people verbally abusing those who have lived lives full of abuse, and whom i imagine can't and shouldn't take any more.
and i wonder--- am i like that?


i've heard it said before that your faults look so much worse on other people.
so when i start getting my ideas that this attitude or that expression of speech or "freedom" are rude/evil/hurtful, i'm immediately faced with the thought, "am i noticing that because it's how i am, and i'm projecting my faults onto others?"


you know, i don't know. it's possible. it's probable. i mean, i love Jesus, and i have love in my life. i have the Holy Spirit who convicts me, and who speaks quietly when i'm about to do or say something i shouldn't, saying, "natalie... don't go there. you know you don't want to do that. it isn't in any way associated with my heart." or that voice AFTER i've done it, saying, "natalie. that was wrong. apologize. shape up. stop it. you know that's not what your purpose is."


either way, i screw up a lot. it frustrates me; it saddens me; it challenges me to spend more time with Jesus, more time seeking Him, that i may become more like Him.


sometimes i sit there, praying for love& compassion then, the very next day, i'm blowing it when given the change to practice it. conviction for me now is almost immediate.
i used to deafen myself with the presence of so many other distractions, noises, & voices; so much so that i couldn't& wouldn't hear the sure sound of truth.
either that, or i would just try to "change the subject" if you will, by focusing on a different point. instead of realizing, "dang it, i shouldn't have done that." i would start thinking of excuses as to why i "needed" to say it, or why i had to be abrupt or impatient.



i'm just going to come right out and say it: it is HARD to be here in LA. it's hard to live with my grandparents. it's hard to take care of them, day in, day out, hours upon hours each day; putting my plans& my goals& my ideas aside. sometimes i wish i could just take off for the entire day to go hang out with a friend, but then i remember: "wait. we have 3 doctors' appointments in the next 2 days, plus meals to prepare& errands to run. i'm not going anywhere."


and... i've said it before and i'll say it again: THIS. IS. GOOD.

it's GOOD for me to learn that life is not all about me, and not even mostly about me. it is not all about what i would like to do each day, where i would like to go, what i would like to participate in or opt out of, or whether i have enough free time, or time to visit friends and family, or time to act my age.


are those things important? yes.
are they necessary? at different times, absolutely.
are they everything? no.


God is teaching me very much about myself right now. He's showing me how i can be selfish and very consumed with my agenda, and my schedule. life is not about a schedule, nor holding to it. life is about Jesus: about knowing Him, enjoying Him, loving Him, appreciating Him, worshiping Him, honoring Him, and being like Him, in order to show His great love to a world full of people who don't know authentic, complete fulfillment.

still: it's hard.

for many reasons that i can't& won't explain, i feel as though i'm living in a house devoid of love. there is a lot of pain, anger, resentment, & bitterness present.
sometimes i feel like it's killing my joy; like it's sucking me dry.
i feel as though, instead of joy pouring out of my life and changing this environment, my joy is being suffocated, like a candle being snuffed out.
don't get me wrong: i KNOW that the joy of Jesus cannot be destroyed. His love cannot be distinguished. the minute i start talking to Him, reading His word, and listening, i'm reminded of that very fact.


but it's true that you can be joyful without being happy. there are times when i'm not happy. i'm not mad; i'm just not happy. but that's not ME.
and that's what i can't stand. i just hope& pray that me--- natalie: the core of who i am, and my personality& demeanor--- are not being irreparably changed.


it's a completely foreign feeling to live in a house where a married couple doesn't share love, fun, joy, & laughter. i mean, my parents are the two most loving, in-love, joyful, enjoyable people to be around. they love each other more deeply than i can imagine, and they love our family, and we have the most fun together. great conversations, encouragement& support, laughter, joking, talking& listening... LIFE. we live. we laugh, dance, sing, hike, cook, eat.
we experience life, and we love what we experience, and we love sharing those things with each other.


but this.... this is different. i am the peacemaker, trying to keep arguments& fights from ensuing. i'm the one trying to be on both sides, while trying to be on neither side.
i'm the one trying to be a voice of reason, trying to be fair, trying to say, "well, try to put yourself in their shoes." and it sucks. i never thought i'd be granddaughter, and caregiver, and translator, and marriage counselor, and referee, and life of the party all at once.
to live in a house with two people who are married to each other but don't love each other is like being in a home that is being racked with divorce... except i have no misconceptions that this is my fault or i caused this. i know i have nothing to do with it. i also feel as though my hands are tied, and like i can do nothing to fix it.


i'm just trying--- desperately trying--- to let the love of Jesus [which has been poured into MY life] pour out into this home& onto my grandparents. it's really hard to do when you have no support in your home. to all of you who are the only Christian in your family or circle of friends, i'm finally getting a glimpse of what that feels like. and i'm sorry it's been so difficult for you. Jesus is here. He is my Help. He is my Anchor. He reminds me that He's here, and even if i don't have a person in my same house whom i can talk to and share these things with, i have a great number of people whom are a phonecall away, whom will pray for me and with me, and encourage me. my mom is #1 on that list, and i thank God for her.
at the same time, you don't want to be constantly telling your mom of all the challenges going on in her family. that would be too much for anyone to handle.



as i spent 7 hours in the ER from 1-8am on sunday morning, i got to do a lot of thinking.
first of all, i was angrier than i can remember being in a VERY. LONG. TIME.
so there were definitely a lot of pity prayers prayed through clenched teeth.
second of all, i had a lot of time to think. a lot of time to form ideas& opinions. a lot of time to pray. and i don't know how much longer i can do this.


i believe i'll definitely be here at LEAST through february or march.
i'd like to move to colorado by june-august. of course, i have no idea what i'll be doing there.
"getting on with my life", or something, since i've more or less put my plans on hold for the time being. but will i be able to afford going to school? will i have to work fulltime in order to provide for myself? where will studying fit in? if i don't go to school, then what? i'll just work at jobs that are a means to an end, for the sake of making money, so i can afford to accomplish my goals? do i live for money? no. do i live for a degree? no.
obviously, there are a lot of thoughts swirling around. like i said, i had 7 hours to do so, so cut me some slack.


bottom line: Jesus is my strength. He will  get me through this. i just don't know how much longer "this" will last.



sheeesh. i sat down to blog about something completely different, but i guess that's what was mostly on my mind.
anyway, i digress:


as i listened to thrice's new album, major/minor for the 15th time today [or around there], i just cried. and cried. and cried.


the song "words in the water" is absolutely my favorite track on the entire album.
as i told my friend viv earlier, that song just cuts me deeply& it makes me weep.


"Sinking, down deep through cold water and heavy silence, shadows stirring in the gloom.
What things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?
And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book from my hands; all its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands."


as i've said many, maaaaany times so far in this blog, life has been a challenge. these last 2 months have been more challenging than i ever could have anticipated.


"what things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?"
in some ways, i've felt imprisoned. imprisoned in a family that is not my own; that i have never known. imprisoned in a house that i cannot call "home". imprisoned in a language barrier; unable to express specifically what i want to say at any given time, because my spanish vocabulary SUCKS. imprisoned in an environment where negativity is coming at me more than i would like to accept.


"and when i lost all hope to look, Someone took that heavy book from my hands.
all it's weight they set aside, after they had satisfied it's demands."
this. is. heavy. if i allowed myself to completely bear the brunt of this burden, i would be destroyed. i'd be paralyzed. but i know the burden is not mine to shoulder.
yes, the Bible says to bear one another's burdens. but as i help my grandparents to bear their burdens-- as i help out to ease it off their shoulders-- Jesus comes in and takes the weight COMPLETELY on His shoulders. He tells us to cast our burdens at His feet... He bears them for us... and, when they are burdens that are only hurtful and not helpful, He destroys them completely. it takes time. it takes patience. it takes a great element of trusting Him and being confident that His timing is best. but it happens. and relief comes. Jesus sets the weight aside. not because He has forgotten it. not because He's swept it under the rug. not because He believes that, if He doesn't acknowledge it, it'll simply disappear.
BUT BECAUSE HE HAS SATISFIED IT'S DEMANDS.

He never sweeps aside problems; He solves them.
He doesn't tell people, "oh... just get over it. it's not that bad."
He understands. He heals. He comforts. He works& perfects& completes.


"i felt white& black reverse, and the lifting of a curse from my heart.
then, like one receiving sight, i beheld a brilliant light in the dark."


i KNOW this to be true, and i am trusting this to be true in my current situation.
Jesus has lifted the curse, because He rescued me from the life i was living alone; without Him. now He's here. He's always, always here. He promises to never leave; never forsake.
every time i remember that fact& cling to it, i see that brilliant light in the dark.
this is the dark. Jesus is the light. when the light is bright enough, it's only a matter of time before the darkness is removed completely.


"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit, He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."
-John 15:2

waiting, Jesus. waiting on You, and waiting to see that fruit produced in my life.
You waste no opportunities, & You do nothing without purpose. i know that, because i know You. i trust You. in this big, uncertain world, i know one thing is certain: You are real, You are alive, and You are the Anchor to my soul. You keep me grounded, You keep my head up, You keep me focused, and You help me to love.
remind me of how much i've been forgiven, that i may love much.
thank You, Jesus, that You're worth it. You are worth this.