Alone.

Nothing makes me feel further from home than having car problems that I have to deal with on my own.

I mean, it's not even that big of a deal... But still.
I'm so used to my dad making himself available whenever I need him, to help me out& make sure I'm safe. I distinctly remember one time earlier this year when my dad stopped studying [after a LONG, crazy week at work], to check my tire pressure, brakes, and oil.

He has always been that way. Always willing to go out of his way to take care of "his girls" and to be sure we're safe& cared for. He sticks his neck out for us, no matter how inconvenient it may be for him.

This is going to sound stupidly melodramatic, but I don't give a rip anymore.
After work today I had to go get my battery changed at Auto Zone, and it made me feel SO alone.
It made me feel so far from home, so far from every comfort, so far from all my family& closest friends, and so far from all the people whom I know would do absolutely anything for me.

I realized, "Wow. I'm really alone out here. I'm REALLY far from my family. If anything happens, they can't be here in a matter of minutes. If something goes wrong, it's pointless to call them. If my car breaks down, I can't call my dad or friends... I have to call AAA."

And I know none of those things are super important, or that big of a deal. I mean, it's great that I live in a country where AAA exists, and I could get my car towed if need be.

Regardless, it's really rough. More challenging than I thought it would be.

I'm in Colorado--- my favorite state--- during my most favorite time of the year... yet it's bumming me out to 1) Be away from my family during the holiday season, 2) Be away from my friends during football season, 3) Have no one to share all the fun with.

However, as cliche or depressing as it may sound, I believe this time is something God is using in my life to teach me how to be alone. I mean, when I lived in LA and took care of my grandma, I felt VERY alone. But, DUDE.

Apparently that was just preparation for this. Because when I lived in LA, I still saw family often, and I could jump in my car every Friday and drive home if I wanted to.
Now............. I can't. To say the least.

And I know what it's like to be alone--- but NOT like this. This is truly a time of learning to feel& even embrace loneliness. Not like I'm trying to be a hermit, or avoiding people. I love people, and I love that I'm meeting new people here, and spending time with them, and getting out of the house to go on little day trips or whatever. But to live alone, to deal with practical problems on my own, to not be able to drive to my best friends' house, or to have my parents come rescue me when something goes awry. To spend nearly all of my after-work time by myself, and to not have plans every single night of the week.

When I lived in California, I KNOW I kept myself too busy sometimes. It's just that there were so many people to spend time with, that I always chose people over sleep. I would make dates with friends, to make sure we got to do things together and go out, and enjoy each other's company.
Now my life is characterized by work, and some little things that I can squeeze in here& there.
A lot of time alone, a lot of time to reflect on my life, who I am, what I want, and where I'm going.
To realize who Christ is in me, what makes me "me", and to realize what is essential, and what is extra.

I'm learning more& more about who I am, and how I need people in my life who challenge me to be better, who challenge me to love more, who challenge me to experience Christ more deeply. People who will love me& accept me, and who will appreciate even the weird things about me, like the fact that I'm longwinded, and the fact that I express myself through words, but who also know that I don't like talking all the time and would rather sit in the car and sing along to the radio than talk the entire time. Or the fact that I get STUPIDLY excited over Christmas& puppies. Or the fact that, if I know a song, I'm singing it--- and if it has a good beat, I'm dancing... No matter who's around.
People who know what my strengths are and what my weaknesses are, and who won't accept lame excuses from me for living a life of mediocrity. People who will call me out when I'm being lame, or lazy, or unrealistic. People who won't let me sulk, or be rude, or be unfair.


Today was just SUCH a hard day, in so many ways. So many thoughts. So many ideas. So many hopes, and dreams, and goals, seemingly unmet or unattainable.
So many things that I wish could/would happen, but which I know won't... and so many things which have the possibility of happening, but I have no idea when or how.

Super vague, yes. But I'm just not ready to share details with an unknown audience.
Right now I feel like I'm "surviving", and I HATE THAT. I'm used to enjoying, living, thriving, exploring. Living life to the fullest, and loving [nearly] every minute of it.

Now it's as if my life has been reduced down to work, errands, car stuff, cooking, cleaning, and sleeping. Soooooooooo fun...

I want to be a part of something so much larger than myself. Sure, some of those things can absolutely happen in the practical, seemingly mundane areas of life, like work. But I feel as if there's something missing-- something lacking. And I can't put my finger on it, but I know it needs to change. And soon. I can't continue to survive life. To feel like there are too many things to do on any given day, and that my life is sucked dry by boring "responsibilities" and never truly used to enjoy& be available for others.

I want to volunteer at a soup kitchen, or to do homeless ministry in a city, or to work with Habitat for Humanity, or to help a friend with yardwork or housecleaning or babysitting. I just want to be available for others' needs. Right now I feel "too busy" in so many ways, because I'm working long days, then tired at the end. I don't want to be too tired for others. I don't want to be so consumed with a job that I have no time for what is truly valuable.

Dreams.

I have the most bizarre dreams. Seriously.

I used to rarely ever dream... and if I did, they were either boring dreams, or forgettable.
My sister always had the crazy dreams-- dreams about being shot by Freddie Prinze Jr., who was actually a mafia lord. Dreams of an evil Winnie the Pooh cast who popped her balloon.

I was the boring one with dreams that a friend cut their hair, or dreams about school or work.

NO LONGER.

Now my dreams are straight up weird/funny/interesting.
1) I was Sydney Bristow, fighting off bad guys and saving "Vaughn's" life.
2) A man in the Illuminati was threatening to shut down my real estate business &/or kill me because I wouldn't let him put the moves on me. Then some Asian ladies wouldn't let me go to class.
3) A dream about living in snowy Russia, while CIA guys/Russian spies were following me.

Apparently I want to be a spy, and I'm fascinated by conspiracy theories. It's true. I love conspiracy theories and alien stories.


Also, my dreams tell me that I am far more narcissistic than I ever thought possible. My dreams almost consistently have me as a/the main character.


However... Wednesday morning I woke up at 4 am, crying, from an incredibly sad dream.
I had a dream about Andrea Yim. Andrea Yim is the wife of Brent Yim, my Bible college instructor who passed away in May, after suffering with an aggressive, inoperable brain tumor for a year.

It was such a short dream--- at least, I don't remember a lot of details about it.
The setting was a small party or gathering or something. Everyone was talking, joking around, eating, and celebrating some sort of occasion. Andrea was sitting on a couch alone. She wasn't depressed, she wasn't complaining, she wasn't pouting, she wasn't trying to draw attention to herself or trying to gain people's pity.

She was just sitting there, kind of watching the scene. Then she started singing, with such brokenness & heartache. No one saw her or heard her, but I was close enough to hear the song, and to hear the pain and devastation in her voice. Her heartbreak was so deep, and so real, that I felt it physically, like a literal weight on my chest, and a sinking in my stomach. I started crying in my dream and, when I woke up, I was actually crying.

I can't remember the last time I cried. I think it was when I was watching Return of the King... that movie is so dang emotional. I'm definitely human, and I'm definitely female, and I definitely have emotions, but they don't generally manifest themselves in tears.

Still... Through this dream, I felt such deep pain. It was like I was given the opportunity to feel for a couple minutes the deep pain that she has been experiencing every minute of every day since May.
And it hit me..... How selfish am I?

I started praying for Brent& Andrea and their boys from the very first day I found out he had brain cancer.

I prayed for them so consistently for an entire year, during the battle with cancer. When Brent passed away, I prayed harder for his family& church than I ever had before.


But then what happens? Then I get busy with my own life, and I get focused on my own plans, problems, and schedule. I forget about others, because I'm so consumed with myself.
I stop praying for people who are in deep need, because suddenly I'M moving to Colorado, and I'M looking for a job, and I'M looking for apartments, and I'M doing job training, and I'M tired, and I'M overwhelmed, and I'M suddenly too busy.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

A friend just lost her husband at such a young age, with two little boys to take care of, and admits to feeling alone, and confused, and unsure of why God would do this, but knowing He's in control.

And I think my life is overwhelming? And I'm too focused on my "needs" that I can't tear my thoughts away from myself for 15 minutes to get on my knees and lift this hurting family before God, who promises to hear our prayers& answer us? Or to pray for SO MANY NEEDS I know of, because I'm so focused on the here& now, and what is going on in my little world?
What a shame. What a shame to ---even for a moment, a week, or a month--- live life strictly for myself, as if I need to "take care of me" or focus on my needs first.


NO. That is not what life is about. I often say, and am FULLY CONVINCED that life does not revolve around me, nor should I ever have that mentality. Somehow, I walked off the beaten path.
Somehow, I started focusing more on my plans, and my goals, and my paycheck, and my bills.


I don't want to be a person shackled by selfishness& self-centeredness, always worrying & wondering about my own life, and how I'm affected by things that hold no true value.

I want to be a woman characterized by love... by generosity. Willing to give my time, energy, thoughts, prayer, physical efforts, my attention& support. To give all that I have& all that I am in order to be a TRUE friend and companion& experience life with others. The good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between.

To pray for others, to stand by them in difficult times, to LISTEN, and to come alongside people and help them practically in any way I can.


Sitting around worrying about my life, my plans, my future, my bills, or my stupid daily errands& tasks does not help anyone. Wake, work, eat, run errands, cook, clean, sleep. Do it all over again the next day. Clearly, there is a practical side to life as well as spiritual, and I need to be responsible. But responsible and "utterly consumed" are two incredibly different things.


For now, I can think of a few solutions:
1) Better time management.
2) Unplug.
3) Get back into things that actually matter and hold true value and weight.
4) Stop viewing life on this planet as the "most important" thing there is to life,
and start realizing what I'm actually alive for.

A job, a paycheck, a degree, and a home are NOT why I am alive, and are NOT why I wake up every morning.


PEOPLE MATTER MORE.
Knowing God more deeply, enjoying life with Him, & sharing the love& truth& compassion& deep worth of Jesus Christ with others is what ought to be my focus.


"Could we hear the Spirit if we just lived simpler?
Everybody go and grab your neighbors!
Let's all sink our roots and see a harvest!
Nobody alive has all the answers.
But Abba bears the load when love is hard."-my epic


THIS. This, my friends, is the point. The very poignant, very clear reminder that I DO NOT NEED TO "look out for me." I don't need to concern myself so much with taking care of everything I think is "so important".... all those things I have to do on my own, because I moved away from my home state to a new state where it's up to me to have my own back.


Nope. That's not necessary. "Abba bears the load when love is hard." He bears the load always, no questions asked. Jesus tells me to cast my burdens upon Him, and to take up His yoke& burden, because they are easy& light. He tells me, "Do not fear, little flock, because it is My Father's pleasure to give you the kingdom."

He tells me to trust Him, to rest in Him, to depend on Him for all my needs& for everything I desire. He's the only one strong enough to lean my heaviness against.


I can, because He has.

I can love, because He has loved to the farthest depths.
I can help, because the Holy Spirit lives in me, & He is the ultimate helper.
I can support, because He is my strength.
I give, because He is my every resource.
I can remain in the difficult times, easy times, fun times, and sad times, because He is my source of constancy, and He has promised to never leave, never forsake.


I can, because He has filled me, and He prays for me, and He ever lives to make intercession for us. When satan desires to sift us as wheat, we can be confident that we will not be destroyed, because Jesus is praying for us, that our strength will not fail.

Seriously... It's time for me to stop playing the part, and start truly sacrificing, and truly taking risks for others. To be a friend& a source of support for others, and to stop caring so damn much about the aspects of life that have no sense of gravitas.


Living life for Jesus includes putting our needs last so we can better help those around us... knowing that He's got our backs. I've been forgetting that very important factor for months now.
It's really time for a change.