"You rescued someone unworthy-- I know this is love." -Phil Wickham, [Crumble to Pieces].
First of all, I must begin by saying: GOD IS SO GOOD!!
Honestly, I am absolutely blown away by His power and faithfulness, and His willingness to work through willing vessels, and His grace in speaking to me through His word & answering prayers in such awesome ways. God is so unbelievably amazing, and I am so unworthy... and He loves me. Can you believe it??
Okay, so going back to my last post... I was in a crazy place in life, not really outwardly, but just inwardly, in my spirit, and in my relationship with the Lord. So much "going through the [right] motions" and so little of truly experiencing & living life to the glory of God. The first part of God's confirmation in my life came through the SEVERAL teachings, encouragements, exhortations, and mentions of John 15: ABIDE in Christ, for I can do nothing without Him. No joke, I heard that from Britt Merrick in a Reality Carp podcast, Chris Wagner at a Monday night Bible study, Steve Matheson at a Sunday night service, in my own personal time with the Lord, Tim Chaddick at the Youth Workers Conference, and finally from my dear, sweet friend, Suzanne Southard. Within the last month, I've heard that same thing about 6 times.Yes, I counted. By the time I heard it at the YWC, I was like, "Okay Lord! I get it! You want me to get this, and I want to get this, but I'm obviously missing a huge step!"
So I prayed and prayed.... and prayed some more... just asking Jesus to make that verse real and true in my life, and to do whatever necessary to pull me out of my "funk" and get me refocused on His face, and to help me to abide in Him. He did what was necessary and, like I mentioned in the last blog, I know there are still things He will continue to reveal to me and remove from my life... and I welcome the pruning, because I know it is absolutely vital to my effectiveness in bearing healthy fruit. So that's Confirmation #1. Six times over. :)
Second, that was right around the time of the youth retreat. I was SO stoked about the retreat, and honestly giddy with anticipation. We [youth leaders] had been praying for months & weeks that the retreat would be awesome and fruitful and that lives would be changed. The week leading up to the retreat was killing me, because I just wanted to go to Big Bear already and witness God's faithfulness... I mean, we were all praying, so how could it not happen, you know? Well, God totally rocked that weekend and moved in a greater way than I had ever imagined. So many kids were broken, crying, asking Jesus to take control of their lives. I cannot express what a beautiful thing it was to be in such an anointed state of worship. It was like we each forgot that there were actually other people in the room with us, and then we'd open our eyes & kind of be shocked by the presence of other people... and then look up and see a bunch of teenagers raising their hands in worship to God. Yeaaaah... there were definitely a lot of joyful tears at that point. :)
It was also awesome, because I know that every single leader at that retreat was broken, challenged and encouraged by the teachings and things we experienced that weekend. Its so funny how we can get so caught up in wanting to serve and help that we almost forget that God has specific things He wants to speak to each & every one of our hearts... from the youngest youth to the oldest leaders. No matter who we are, what we've done, where we've been, the Lord is never done speaking to us, challenging, and reshaping us. And there was SO MUCH reshaping that went on at that retreat!
There were so many incredible answers to prayer that weekend, and we kept talking & praying about not wanting to lose any of that progress that the Lord made during that weekend. He broke down so many walls, and it was incredible, but we were sobered to know that Satan wants to rebuild those walls faster than they can be destroyed. Ugh, I hate him. He tries to destroy all the good things, but when its something contrary to God's word, he suddenly becomes this great builder. DUMB. Anyway, Jesus is the Master Builder and the Cornerstone, and He holds the power!
When we came back from the retreat, I was just super excited about everything, and seeing people's lives changed, and witnessing people giving their lives and plans to the Lord with a sense of abandon. I've been praying that the Lord would use me where I'm at, and that He would lead me to people [or people to me] that I can just share His love with. I've been listening to a lot of podcasts lately, and two that I subscribe to are Britt Merrick & Tim Chaddick, who teach at Reality Carpinteria and LA, respectively. Its not that Reality is the One True Church or those two are the present-day Paul & Apollos or anything... its just amazing to hear the Holy Spirit speaking through them. A lot of their focus is on being like Jesus Christ, and doing things in love & on mission for the glory of God. It is not just about inviting everyone to church [which of course is good & necessary], but being the church to those who won't come. It is about living a missional life for God no matter where you are in the world, and not looking at it as "missions"... a 2 week trip that's fruitful and changes your life for about a month or two... but about looking at the Christian life as "mission"... singular. To seek Jesus and to be constantly in the word and in prayer, allowing Him to radically change our lives in whatever way necessary to make us more like Himself, so that we can be effective ministers of His gospel in this world. Its been said before that our lives may be the only Bible people will ever read, so we need to correctly represent Jesus Christ. Christianity is not about sitting within the 4 walls of the church, receiving and receiving and learning and being built up, and then going home, living our lives for ourselves, and coming back the following Sunday to be catered to. Obviously Jesus does want to speak to us, to grow us and build us, but for the purpose of sending us out to share all of those things-- all that love, wisdom, purpose-- with others. Both Britt & Tim talk about being active in the community, and taking the Body of Christ outside of the church walls to get involved and be actively missional in the community.
Not gonna lie... there have been times when I'm listening to those podcasts and I think, "I just want to get out of here! I want to go and do. I want to move to San Francisco or to some city where I can just get a job somewhere and get involved in the community, and bring Jesus to the community in whatever capacity the Lord would allow me to serve!" But then comes that still, small voice. Its such a faithful voice, too. Its the Lord's voice that reminds me, "Natalie... I have you here. For a reason. Be effective HERE. Do the work of an evangelist and fulfill your ministry HERE." And He is so right!!
I can get so excited and carried away that I'm like, "Whoo-hoo, let's go! I'm ready!", but then I remember that the Lord has me here... for such a time as this. I'm preeeeetty sure I'm not going to live in Yucca for an extended part of my life, but as for right now, I'm here. I'm in school, which is a huge mission field. I'm a high school youth leader, which is another opportunity to serve and disciple girls, and just to pour into others what the Lord has poured into me. I have the most incredible job, where I'm not only allowed but encouraged to talk about Jesus! I mean, life is good, and God has opened my eyes to all the opportunities He has given me to serve Him here, in this community. If I'm here now, why would I leave to go serve and get involved somewhere else? The Lord places people everywhere in order to bring His name and His gospel to the ends of the earth.... and that includes the Morongo Basin. :)
And its crazy/amazing, because I have been realizing how many doors that God has been opening for me! I've been meeting several new people at school, whom I've talked to openly about being a Christian, going to Bible study/church/youth group, and whom I've already been able to begin forming relationships with. I've been able to meet and pray with complete strangers at work, and have met new people there as well. I've gotten to meet a BUNCH of beautiful, sweet girls from the youth group who actually don't jump at the thought of hanging out with their 23 year old youth leader outside of church. :) Hahaha, its pretty neat. Truthfully, I am completely blown away by Jesus Christ. He is so loving, so faithful, so merciful, so gracious, so patient, and so many other things!! I mean, I look at myself and realize how unworthy I am. He doesn't need me--- at all--- and He never, ever will. But He delights in using each and every one of us, and He is giving me opportunities to be mission-minded in the community He has placed me in. Then, looking back on the last several months of my life, its hard to believe that God desires to use me. [if you don't know what I'm talking about, seriously, read my last blog "Learning to Stay." Because DANG, if you read that and then what I'm saying now, you will realize God's unending grace & mercy on me!!!] I feel almost as though He's just been waiting for me to return to Him and to fix my gaze upon Him once more. When my eyes were on myself, my life, my plans, my education, my grades, my blah-blah-blah, fill-in-the-blank, I was so dry and so empty and so worthless for His kingdom... not because He saw me as worthless, but because that is all I was allowing myself to be. And now its like He is catching up on lost time. Its slightly overwhelming, but in the best way, not at all in a stressful way. So I repeat, GOD IS GOOD!!!
Okay, this is suuuuuuuper long [huh, go figure], so I'm going to end it here. But if you noticed, I only got through about 2 or 3 examples of God's faithfulness in confirming things to me through His word and His faithfulness in answering prayer. Yeaaah, there are probably 3 or 4 more examples. But for the sake of sleep, and for the sake of not making this 15 pages, I guess I have to call it in, and make this a "To Be Continued..."
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Learning to Stay.
"And now Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in You." -Ps. 39:7
root word: towcheleth= expectation. Derived from "yachal": to wait; to be patient; to have hope; to cause to hope; to trust; to wait; to stay.
Wow. Talk about a whirlwind. About two weeks ago, I experienced intense spiritual warfare, which lasted about a week. It was right around January 15th, because that's the 1 year anniversary of my return from Spain. I was reflecting on this past year, and became so discouraged, wondering, "God, what have I done with my life?" I came to the realization that, over the last several months, I've allowed my love for Jesus to grow cold. I never wavered in my faith, I never doubted Him, I never stopped loving Him--- but somewhere along the lines, I began to view other things as having greater importance. It was even hard for me to admit that, because in my heart and mind, I KNOW Jesus is absolutely, positively, unequivocally the most important part of my entire life, and no one & no thing will ever be more valuable to me than He is. Still.... my actions showed otherwise, and like it says in Matthew 12:33, a tree is known by its fruit.
When I lived in Spain, I had a really strong devotional relationship with the Lord. I woke up early every morning, read my Bible and prayed, and I loved it! I'm totally not saying this to make it seem like I'm some super-Christian, because I'm so obviously NOT. I'm also not saying that you have to get up & read your Bible at 6am in order to be considered a "good Christian"... I think that's legalism. Just sayin. But its just awesome to see the willingness and the hunger God can give us for His word and for His presence, when we give Him our lives and give Him the time and space He needs to work!
Too often I find myself cramming my life with everything I can fit in. So instead of God having time, space, and the complete freedom to move, its like I just confine Him to one little square, ask Him to move in my life, then proceed to stuff all sorts of things in around Him, and then wonder why my walk with Him has become stagnant or stifled.
I know my identity is TRULY in Jesus Christ. For I died, and my life is hidden with Christ in God, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. However, I realized that I began placing my identity in my ability to do things. I was trying to do it all; to prove that I can work, go to school full time, get my homework done on time, get good grades, get to work on time, go to church, be involved in youth ministry, and still have time for family, friends, and a regular social life. But during that intense week, I became so discouraged because I realized that, #1) I feel as though I'm doing it all, but doing nothing well. Even though I've been fulfilling all my responsibilities & requirements, I feel as if everything is only done at a mediocre level, and nothing is done at a great level, and #2) Umm.... yeah, did anyone see a personal life with Jesus in that list? Because I sure didn't.
In my mad rush to be everywhere on time and to get things done properly, Jesus is the first one I bumped down on my list of priorities. I noticed that, since all of the other parts of my life have some sense of responsibility attached to them, I made sure to get them done first, but since I'm not obligated to spend time with Jesus in His word, and time in prayer and silence, waiting for God to speak to me, He is the one I rotated out of position #1. Life is about knowing Jesus Christ, submitting myself to God and to His perfect will, becoming complete in Him that I may lack nothing, and in learning about who He is by spending time alone with Him, so that I may become familiar with His character, know His voice, and become more like Him. We were created to praise God, to glorify Him. We are to be disciples, to go into all the nations, and to proclaim His love and salvation. Life is about HIM, and about His heart toward people, and about being on mission, allowing the Holy Spirit to transform our lives, to fill us, and to pour His spirit into us, that we may share that with others. Life is not about making money or getting good grades, or proving to myself [or others] that I can cram a million things into my week!!! It is not about having a full schedule, a fun social life, or about going to the best concerts, having the latest piece of technology, or about what we eat, drink, and wear. Is not life more than food and clothing? Isn't it so much more than Facebook and texting and movies and wasting precious time on less-than-fruitful things?
I mean, I'm not bashing Facebook or movies or music or anything else... I like those things as much as the next person [particularly music!], but I've realized that in my life, I've allowed those things to become distractions, which in turn crowd God out of my life, and confine Him to that little box I was talking about earlier.
Two weeks ago, on a Sunday night at church, I was broken. As I sat there, receiving the message that the Lord was so clearly speaking through Steve, my heart was broken. I realized that I had become exactly who I never wanted to be. I became the workaholic, in every aspect of my life--- trying so hard to make everything work, to make everyone happy, and to spread myself thin enough to do it all, yet to not break. Well, despite my attempts, I broke. And PRAISE GOD for His neverending mercy, because that brokenness is what I needed most! Jesus is a Gentleman, and He is never going to force Himself into a life where He is not invited. He couldn't heal me when I was unwilling to admit my need for Him to rescue me. So, from that Sunday until Wednesday, the Lord did a huge work in my life. I asked Him to remove anything that is not 100% beneficial for my life at the moment, and prayed John 15--- that He would prune my life and purge out all of the things that have been keeping me from Him. One of those things was Facebook. I'll be doing "Facebook fasts" pretty often now, because I know it can become distracting to try to keep up with people on there, and frankly, its just not worth it. I mean, I love love love love love being able to catch up with people, seeing pictures of my friends' babies & families, and reconnecting with old friends, but when it starts intruding on my time with Jesus in His word, its just gotta go. These past two weeks have been incredible and restorative, and God has totally blown my mind. He showed me that He has removed [and is still removing, I'm sure!!] things from my life because He is a jealous God. He is my priority, and He should always be #1 in my life, in my heart, in my mind, and in my time.
I lost sight of that somewhere, and I praise Him for giving me perspective once again. Its so incredible to see that, once I let go and surrendered my entire life-- every area-- to Jesus, He began to work so quickly! I believe that He has just been waiting for me to come to a point that He has been trying [for so long!] to bring me to, that I may be reunited with my Best Friend. I've always claimed and believed Jesus to be my absolute very best friend, but again, if something is true, my life will showcase that. And its pretty much impossible to be best friends with someone you don't spend time with, don't make time for, don't talk to daily &/or regularly, and don't share your life with. I have SO SO SO many awesome, fantastic friends in my life--- in my town --finally!!-- and in America and other countries. I am so blessed that God has placed such wonderful people in my life, and that we can experience fellowship, no matter how far we live, and that we are able to push each other, sharpen each other, and enjoy each other. However, praise Jesus that He is once again my very BEST friend, and that He has taken such care in loving me, in breaking me so carefully, and in showing me that He is near to me, and He wants to make me more like Himself, so that I can be useful for His kingdom.
I realize that I am so unworthy, and it blows my mind to know that such a perfect & faithful God could love such an imperfect & unfaithful person, but that is just a glimpse of the beauty of who He is. He knows that I need Him and, while He doesn't need me, He wants me to follow hard after Him, to live my life with abandon for Him, so that He may move through me & delight in me. AMAZING!!!
"For I know that in me [that is, in my flesh] NOTHING good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find...
Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ, and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness...
Not that I have already attained or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me...
For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ"!
[Rom. 7:18; Phil. 3:8-9; Phil. 3:12; & Phil. 3:20]
My hope is in You." -Ps. 39:7
root word: towcheleth= expectation. Derived from "yachal": to wait; to be patient; to have hope; to cause to hope; to trust; to wait; to stay.
Wow. Talk about a whirlwind. About two weeks ago, I experienced intense spiritual warfare, which lasted about a week. It was right around January 15th, because that's the 1 year anniversary of my return from Spain. I was reflecting on this past year, and became so discouraged, wondering, "God, what have I done with my life?" I came to the realization that, over the last several months, I've allowed my love for Jesus to grow cold. I never wavered in my faith, I never doubted Him, I never stopped loving Him--- but somewhere along the lines, I began to view other things as having greater importance. It was even hard for me to admit that, because in my heart and mind, I KNOW Jesus is absolutely, positively, unequivocally the most important part of my entire life, and no one & no thing will ever be more valuable to me than He is. Still.... my actions showed otherwise, and like it says in Matthew 12:33, a tree is known by its fruit.
When I lived in Spain, I had a really strong devotional relationship with the Lord. I woke up early every morning, read my Bible and prayed, and I loved it! I'm totally not saying this to make it seem like I'm some super-Christian, because I'm so obviously NOT. I'm also not saying that you have to get up & read your Bible at 6am in order to be considered a "good Christian"... I think that's legalism. Just sayin. But its just awesome to see the willingness and the hunger God can give us for His word and for His presence, when we give Him our lives and give Him the time and space He needs to work!
Too often I find myself cramming my life with everything I can fit in. So instead of God having time, space, and the complete freedom to move, its like I just confine Him to one little square, ask Him to move in my life, then proceed to stuff all sorts of things in around Him, and then wonder why my walk with Him has become stagnant or stifled.
I know my identity is TRULY in Jesus Christ. For I died, and my life is hidden with Christ in God, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. However, I realized that I began placing my identity in my ability to do things. I was trying to do it all; to prove that I can work, go to school full time, get my homework done on time, get good grades, get to work on time, go to church, be involved in youth ministry, and still have time for family, friends, and a regular social life. But during that intense week, I became so discouraged because I realized that, #1) I feel as though I'm doing it all, but doing nothing well. Even though I've been fulfilling all my responsibilities & requirements, I feel as if everything is only done at a mediocre level, and nothing is done at a great level, and #2) Umm.... yeah, did anyone see a personal life with Jesus in that list? Because I sure didn't.
In my mad rush to be everywhere on time and to get things done properly, Jesus is the first one I bumped down on my list of priorities. I noticed that, since all of the other parts of my life have some sense of responsibility attached to them, I made sure to get them done first, but since I'm not obligated to spend time with Jesus in His word, and time in prayer and silence, waiting for God to speak to me, He is the one I rotated out of position #1. Life is about knowing Jesus Christ, submitting myself to God and to His perfect will, becoming complete in Him that I may lack nothing, and in learning about who He is by spending time alone with Him, so that I may become familiar with His character, know His voice, and become more like Him. We were created to praise God, to glorify Him. We are to be disciples, to go into all the nations, and to proclaim His love and salvation. Life is about HIM, and about His heart toward people, and about being on mission, allowing the Holy Spirit to transform our lives, to fill us, and to pour His spirit into us, that we may share that with others. Life is not about making money or getting good grades, or proving to myself [or others] that I can cram a million things into my week!!! It is not about having a full schedule, a fun social life, or about going to the best concerts, having the latest piece of technology, or about what we eat, drink, and wear. Is not life more than food and clothing? Isn't it so much more than Facebook and texting and movies and wasting precious time on less-than-fruitful things?
I mean, I'm not bashing Facebook or movies or music or anything else... I like those things as much as the next person [particularly music!], but I've realized that in my life, I've allowed those things to become distractions, which in turn crowd God out of my life, and confine Him to that little box I was talking about earlier.
Two weeks ago, on a Sunday night at church, I was broken. As I sat there, receiving the message that the Lord was so clearly speaking through Steve, my heart was broken. I realized that I had become exactly who I never wanted to be. I became the workaholic, in every aspect of my life--- trying so hard to make everything work, to make everyone happy, and to spread myself thin enough to do it all, yet to not break. Well, despite my attempts, I broke. And PRAISE GOD for His neverending mercy, because that brokenness is what I needed most! Jesus is a Gentleman, and He is never going to force Himself into a life where He is not invited. He couldn't heal me when I was unwilling to admit my need for Him to rescue me. So, from that Sunday until Wednesday, the Lord did a huge work in my life. I asked Him to remove anything that is not 100% beneficial for my life at the moment, and prayed John 15--- that He would prune my life and purge out all of the things that have been keeping me from Him. One of those things was Facebook. I'll be doing "Facebook fasts" pretty often now, because I know it can become distracting to try to keep up with people on there, and frankly, its just not worth it. I mean, I love love love love love being able to catch up with people, seeing pictures of my friends' babies & families, and reconnecting with old friends, but when it starts intruding on my time with Jesus in His word, its just gotta go. These past two weeks have been incredible and restorative, and God has totally blown my mind. He showed me that He has removed [and is still removing, I'm sure!!] things from my life because He is a jealous God. He is my priority, and He should always be #1 in my life, in my heart, in my mind, and in my time.
I lost sight of that somewhere, and I praise Him for giving me perspective once again. Its so incredible to see that, once I let go and surrendered my entire life-- every area-- to Jesus, He began to work so quickly! I believe that He has just been waiting for me to come to a point that He has been trying [for so long!] to bring me to, that I may be reunited with my Best Friend. I've always claimed and believed Jesus to be my absolute very best friend, but again, if something is true, my life will showcase that. And its pretty much impossible to be best friends with someone you don't spend time with, don't make time for, don't talk to daily &/or regularly, and don't share your life with. I have SO SO SO many awesome, fantastic friends in my life--- in my town --finally!!-- and in America and other countries. I am so blessed that God has placed such wonderful people in my life, and that we can experience fellowship, no matter how far we live, and that we are able to push each other, sharpen each other, and enjoy each other. However, praise Jesus that He is once again my very BEST friend, and that He has taken such care in loving me, in breaking me so carefully, and in showing me that He is near to me, and He wants to make me more like Himself, so that I can be useful for His kingdom.
I realize that I am so unworthy, and it blows my mind to know that such a perfect & faithful God could love such an imperfect & unfaithful person, but that is just a glimpse of the beauty of who He is. He knows that I need Him and, while He doesn't need me, He wants me to follow hard after Him, to live my life with abandon for Him, so that He may move through me & delight in me. AMAZING!!!
"For I know that in me [that is, in my flesh] NOTHING good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find...
Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ, and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness...
Not that I have already attained or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me...
For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ"!
[Rom. 7:18; Phil. 3:8-9; Phil. 3:12; & Phil. 3:20]
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