Learning to Stay.

"And now Lord, what do I wait for?
My hope is in You." -Ps. 39:7


root word: towcheleth= expectation. Derived from "yachal": to wait; to be patient; to have hope; to cause to hope; to trust; to wait; to stay.


     Wow. Talk about a whirlwind. About two weeks ago, I experienced intense spiritual warfare, which lasted about a week. It was right around January 15th, because that's the 1 year anniversary of my return from Spain. I was reflecting on this past year, and became so discouraged, wondering, "God, what have I done with my life?" I came to the realization that, over the last several months, I've allowed my love for Jesus to grow cold. I never wavered in my faith, I never doubted Him, I never stopped loving Him--- but somewhere along the lines, I began to view other things as having greater importance. It was even hard for me to admit that, because in my heart and mind, I KNOW Jesus is absolutely, positively, unequivocally the most important part of my entire life, and no one & no thing will ever be more valuable to me than He is. Still.... my actions showed otherwise, and like it says in Matthew 12:33, a tree is known by its fruit.


     When I lived in Spain, I had a really strong devotional relationship with the Lord. I woke up early every morning, read my Bible and prayed, and I loved it! I'm totally not saying this to make it seem like I'm some super-Christian, because I'm so obviously NOT. I'm also not saying that you have to get up & read your Bible at 6am in order to be considered a "good Christian"... I think that's legalism. Just sayin. But its just awesome to see the willingness and the hunger God can give us for His word and for His presence, when we give Him our lives and give Him the time and space He needs to work!


     Too often I find myself cramming my life with everything I can fit in. So instead of God having time, space, and the complete freedom to move, its like I just confine Him to one little square, ask Him to move in my life, then proceed to stuff all sorts of things in around Him, and then wonder why my walk with Him has become stagnant or stifled.


     I know my identity is TRULY in Jesus Christ. For I died, and my life is hidden with Christ in God, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. However, I realized that I began placing my identity in my ability to do things. I was trying to do it all; to prove that I can work, go to school full time, get my homework done on time, get good grades, get to work on time, go to church, be involved in youth ministry, and still have time for family, friends, and a regular social life. But during that intense week, I became so discouraged because I realized that, #1) I feel as though I'm doing it all, but doing nothing well. Even though I've been fulfilling all my responsibilities & requirements, I feel as if everything is only done at a mediocre level, and nothing is done at a great level, and #2) Umm.... yeah, did anyone see a personal life with Jesus in that list? Because I sure didn't.




     In my mad rush to be everywhere on time and to get things done properly, Jesus is the first one I bumped down on my list of priorities. I noticed that, since all of the other parts of my life have some sense of responsibility attached to them, I made sure to get them done first, but since I'm not obligated to spend time with Jesus in His word, and time in prayer and silence, waiting for God to speak to me, He is the one I rotated out of position #1. Life is about knowing Jesus Christ, submitting myself to God and to His perfect will, becoming complete in Him that I may lack nothing, and in learning about who He is by spending time alone with Him, so that I may become familiar with His character, know His voice, and become more like Him. We were created to praise God, to glorify Him. We are to be disciples, to go into all the nations, and to proclaim His love and salvation. Life is about HIM, and about His heart toward people, and about being on mission, allowing the Holy Spirit to transform our lives, to fill us, and to pour His spirit into us, that we may share that with others. Life is not about making money or getting good grades, or proving to myself [or others] that I can cram a million things into my week!!! It is not about having a full schedule, a fun social life, or about going to the best concerts, having the latest piece of technology, or about what we eat, drink, and wear. Is not life more than food and clothing? Isn't it so much more than Facebook and texting and movies and wasting precious time on less-than-fruitful things?


     I mean, I'm not bashing Facebook or movies or music or anything else... I like those things as much as the next person [particularly music!], but I've realized that in my life, I've allowed those things to become distractions, which in turn crowd God out of my life, and confine Him to that little box I was talking about earlier.




     Two weeks ago, on a Sunday night at church, I was broken. As I sat there, receiving the message that the Lord was so clearly speaking through Steve, my heart was broken. I realized that I had become exactly who I never wanted to be. I became the workaholic, in every aspect of my life--- trying so hard to make everything work, to make everyone happy, and to spread myself thin enough to do it all, yet to not break. Well, despite my attempts, I broke. And PRAISE GOD for His neverending mercy, because that brokenness is what I needed most! Jesus is a Gentleman, and He is never going to force Himself into a life where He is not invited. He couldn't heal me when I was unwilling to admit my need for Him to rescue me. So, from that Sunday until Wednesday, the Lord did a huge work in my life. I asked Him to remove anything that is not 100% beneficial for my life at the moment, and prayed John 15--- that He would prune my life and purge out all of the things that have been keeping me from Him. One of those things was Facebook. I'll be doing "Facebook fasts" pretty often now, because I know it can become distracting to try to keep up with people on there, and frankly, its just not worth it. I mean, I love love love love love being able to catch up with people, seeing pictures of my friends' babies & families, and reconnecting with old friends, but when it starts intruding on my time with Jesus in His word, its just gotta go. These past two weeks have been incredible and restorative, and God has totally blown my mind. He showed me that He has removed [and is still removing, I'm sure!!] things from my life because He is a jealous God. He is my priority, and He should always be #1 in my life, in my heart, in my mind, and in my time.


     I lost sight of that somewhere, and I praise Him for giving me perspective once again. Its so incredible to see that, once I let go and surrendered my entire life-- every area-- to Jesus, He began to work so quickly! I believe that He has just been waiting for me to come to a point that He has been trying [for so long!] to bring me to, that I may be reunited with my Best Friend. I've always claimed and believed Jesus to be my absolute very best friend, but again, if something is true, my life will showcase that. And its pretty much impossible to be best friends with someone you don't spend time with, don't make time for, don't talk to daily &/or regularly, and don't share your life with. I have SO SO SO many awesome, fantastic friends in my life--- in my town --finally!!-- and in America and other countries. I am so blessed that God has placed such wonderful people in my life, and that we can experience fellowship, no matter how far we live, and that we are able to push each other, sharpen each other, and enjoy each other. However, praise Jesus that He is once again my very BEST friend, and that He has taken such care in loving me, in breaking me so carefully, and in showing me that He is near to me, and He wants to make me more like Himself, so that I can be useful for His kingdom.


     I realize that I am so unworthy, and it blows my mind to know that such a perfect & faithful God could love such an imperfect & unfaithful person, but that is just a glimpse of the beauty of who He is. He knows that I need Him and, while He doesn't need me, He wants me to follow hard after Him, to live my life with abandon for Him, so that He may move through me & delight in me. AMAZING!!!


"For I know that in me [that is, in my flesh] NOTHING good dwells; for to will is present with me, but how to perform what is good I do not find...
Yet indeed I also count all things loss for the excellence of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them as rubbish, that I may gain Christ, and be found in Him, not having my own righteousness...
Not that I have already attained or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me...
For our citizenship is in heaven, from which we also eagerly wait for the Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ"!
[Rom. 7:18; Phil. 3:8-9; Phil. 3:12; & Phil. 3:20]