words in the water.

Standing knee deep in cold water, swiftly moving, somehow I knew I’d lost something. Wading waist deep, I saw a book there in the river, waiting for me to find it there.
I tried to read it, neck deep, treading water. But the tide, it pulled me out to sea.
Then, with water in my eyes, the words began to rise from their place.
They were beautiful and dread; I reached for them and fed on each phrase.
They were honey on my lips, but then a bitter twist in my side.
I knew they’d lay me in my grave; "Is there no one who can save me?" I cried.

Sinking, down deep through cold water and heavy silence, shadows stirring in the gloom. What things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?
And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book from my hands; All its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands.

I felt white and black reverse, and the lifting a curse from my heart.
Then like one receiving sight, I beheld a brilliant light in the dark.

-- "words in the water": thrice; major/minor


so, i can say as i sit here with tears streaming down my face, that this will probably be a heavier post.



all i can say is: Jesus, i need You. more& more& more than i ever thought.
i also HAVE more of Jesus than i ever realized.
Jesus is here. He is with me. all the time. every second of every minute of every day.
every week, every month, every year. He is here.
He doesn't leave me; He doesn't let me go.


lately, He has been speaking to me so much about my motives, my ideas, & the words that are in my mind, that are never spoken--yet which He hears loudly& clearly.


sadly, i've been faced with the fact that i can be very judgmental in my thoughts. i can look at people or situations or overhear conversations, and IMMEDIATELY form an opinion.
why do i think my opinion or my perception is so important anyway?
what does my opinion matter? nothing. nothing at all.

it is God's opinion, and His purpose, & His prerogative that matter.
and, you know what? Jesus is far more forgiving, loving, & accepting than we portray Him to be. look at the gospels. look at the life of Jesus. look at His words; His actions.
the people He adamantly speaks against are the hyper-religious leaders, who try to walk around like they're the holiest dudes in the joint, yet who are getting it ALL wrong, who are covering their own faults, who are treating people rudely& with severe judgmentalism, who are trying to formulate following Jesus into rules& regulations; black& white.
they are the ones who are trying to systematize everything; the ones who speak down to Jesus for sitting, talking, and listening to people whom they don't think deserve an audience.

to the "unimportant", "filthy", "unworthy" people, Jesus gives an audience; a listening ear.

how many times am i like those rude, unloving, opinionated pharisees?
the ones who undermine Jesus' authority by overriding it with their own?
who the hell did they think they were?
who do i think i am, with my opinions? why do they matter?


what about loving people as Jesus does?
yes, there is definitely a point in sharing the truth where the truth hurts. it stings. sometimes it cuts like a knife. it hurts to be told you're doing something wrong, when you've thought you had it right. it's offensive for someone to say, "yeah.... that right there? that needs to go. far, far away." Jesus is offensive ONLY in that our ideas, perceptions, and egos are pierced by Him, and shown to be untrue, wrong, or "lesser" when compared to Him.


He says, "you've got it wrong, but let me show you how to live the right way."
He's only offensive in the fact that we're so egocentric that we rarely WANT to be proven wrong. however, He is so kind, so forgiving, & so compassionate in the fact that He shows us how to do things the right way.


He says, "if you'll just follow Me, I'll show you. I'll walk in the direction I've been going, and I just want you to follow Me. I'll hold your hand, even. if you fall, don't worry; I'll be right there& I'll help you back up. I refuse to leave you behind. I want you to follow My lead, to walk in My direction... but don't get too far behind, or you'll lose sight of Me& you'll end up getting lost.
I want to bring you to where I am; to the closest part of Me... but, in order to do that, you've got to pick up your cross& follow Me. it's an uphill climb, so it's going to be challenging& tiring& sometimes even maddening. but you can and NEED to lay your burdens down, & I'll carry them for you... unless they're worthless; then I'll just throw them away."



man, i love Him. i can't even express it in words. at all. just... love. love, love, love.


for whatever reason, i've lately been reminded of how much God loves me, and how much i've been forgiven. i believe Jesus is restoring the joy of my salvation, because i've lately been broken by my sin so much more than i can remember being broken.
maybe it's because i spend so much time alone now; time sitting& thinking& reading& listening& observing.


i hear the words of others-- words which are so cruel, so cutting, so biting, so harsh& offensive. so judgmental. people whispering about others; people calling names; people verbally abusing those who have lived lives full of abuse, and whom i imagine can't and shouldn't take any more.
and i wonder--- am i like that?


i've heard it said before that your faults look so much worse on other people.
so when i start getting my ideas that this attitude or that expression of speech or "freedom" are rude/evil/hurtful, i'm immediately faced with the thought, "am i noticing that because it's how i am, and i'm projecting my faults onto others?"


you know, i don't know. it's possible. it's probable. i mean, i love Jesus, and i have love in my life. i have the Holy Spirit who convicts me, and who speaks quietly when i'm about to do or say something i shouldn't, saying, "natalie... don't go there. you know you don't want to do that. it isn't in any way associated with my heart." or that voice AFTER i've done it, saying, "natalie. that was wrong. apologize. shape up. stop it. you know that's not what your purpose is."


either way, i screw up a lot. it frustrates me; it saddens me; it challenges me to spend more time with Jesus, more time seeking Him, that i may become more like Him.


sometimes i sit there, praying for love& compassion then, the very next day, i'm blowing it when given the change to practice it. conviction for me now is almost immediate.
i used to deafen myself with the presence of so many other distractions, noises, & voices; so much so that i couldn't& wouldn't hear the sure sound of truth.
either that, or i would just try to "change the subject" if you will, by focusing on a different point. instead of realizing, "dang it, i shouldn't have done that." i would start thinking of excuses as to why i "needed" to say it, or why i had to be abrupt or impatient.



i'm just going to come right out and say it: it is HARD to be here in LA. it's hard to live with my grandparents. it's hard to take care of them, day in, day out, hours upon hours each day; putting my plans& my goals& my ideas aside. sometimes i wish i could just take off for the entire day to go hang out with a friend, but then i remember: "wait. we have 3 doctors' appointments in the next 2 days, plus meals to prepare& errands to run. i'm not going anywhere."


and... i've said it before and i'll say it again: THIS. IS. GOOD.

it's GOOD for me to learn that life is not all about me, and not even mostly about me. it is not all about what i would like to do each day, where i would like to go, what i would like to participate in or opt out of, or whether i have enough free time, or time to visit friends and family, or time to act my age.


are those things important? yes.
are they necessary? at different times, absolutely.
are they everything? no.


God is teaching me very much about myself right now. He's showing me how i can be selfish and very consumed with my agenda, and my schedule. life is not about a schedule, nor holding to it. life is about Jesus: about knowing Him, enjoying Him, loving Him, appreciating Him, worshiping Him, honoring Him, and being like Him, in order to show His great love to a world full of people who don't know authentic, complete fulfillment.

still: it's hard.

for many reasons that i can't& won't explain, i feel as though i'm living in a house devoid of love. there is a lot of pain, anger, resentment, & bitterness present.
sometimes i feel like it's killing my joy; like it's sucking me dry.
i feel as though, instead of joy pouring out of my life and changing this environment, my joy is being suffocated, like a candle being snuffed out.
don't get me wrong: i KNOW that the joy of Jesus cannot be destroyed. His love cannot be distinguished. the minute i start talking to Him, reading His word, and listening, i'm reminded of that very fact.


but it's true that you can be joyful without being happy. there are times when i'm not happy. i'm not mad; i'm just not happy. but that's not ME.
and that's what i can't stand. i just hope& pray that me--- natalie: the core of who i am, and my personality& demeanor--- are not being irreparably changed.


it's a completely foreign feeling to live in a house where a married couple doesn't share love, fun, joy, & laughter. i mean, my parents are the two most loving, in-love, joyful, enjoyable people to be around. they love each other more deeply than i can imagine, and they love our family, and we have the most fun together. great conversations, encouragement& support, laughter, joking, talking& listening... LIFE. we live. we laugh, dance, sing, hike, cook, eat.
we experience life, and we love what we experience, and we love sharing those things with each other.


but this.... this is different. i am the peacemaker, trying to keep arguments& fights from ensuing. i'm the one trying to be on both sides, while trying to be on neither side.
i'm the one trying to be a voice of reason, trying to be fair, trying to say, "well, try to put yourself in their shoes." and it sucks. i never thought i'd be granddaughter, and caregiver, and translator, and marriage counselor, and referee, and life of the party all at once.
to live in a house with two people who are married to each other but don't love each other is like being in a home that is being racked with divorce... except i have no misconceptions that this is my fault or i caused this. i know i have nothing to do with it. i also feel as though my hands are tied, and like i can do nothing to fix it.


i'm just trying--- desperately trying--- to let the love of Jesus [which has been poured into MY life] pour out into this home& onto my grandparents. it's really hard to do when you have no support in your home. to all of you who are the only Christian in your family or circle of friends, i'm finally getting a glimpse of what that feels like. and i'm sorry it's been so difficult for you. Jesus is here. He is my Help. He is my Anchor. He reminds me that He's here, and even if i don't have a person in my same house whom i can talk to and share these things with, i have a great number of people whom are a phonecall away, whom will pray for me and with me, and encourage me. my mom is #1 on that list, and i thank God for her.
at the same time, you don't want to be constantly telling your mom of all the challenges going on in her family. that would be too much for anyone to handle.



as i spent 7 hours in the ER from 1-8am on sunday morning, i got to do a lot of thinking.
first of all, i was angrier than i can remember being in a VERY. LONG. TIME.
so there were definitely a lot of pity prayers prayed through clenched teeth.
second of all, i had a lot of time to think. a lot of time to form ideas& opinions. a lot of time to pray. and i don't know how much longer i can do this.


i believe i'll definitely be here at LEAST through february or march.
i'd like to move to colorado by june-august. of course, i have no idea what i'll be doing there.
"getting on with my life", or something, since i've more or less put my plans on hold for the time being. but will i be able to afford going to school? will i have to work fulltime in order to provide for myself? where will studying fit in? if i don't go to school, then what? i'll just work at jobs that are a means to an end, for the sake of making money, so i can afford to accomplish my goals? do i live for money? no. do i live for a degree? no.
obviously, there are a lot of thoughts swirling around. like i said, i had 7 hours to do so, so cut me some slack.


bottom line: Jesus is my strength. He will  get me through this. i just don't know how much longer "this" will last.



sheeesh. i sat down to blog about something completely different, but i guess that's what was mostly on my mind.
anyway, i digress:


as i listened to thrice's new album, major/minor for the 15th time today [or around there], i just cried. and cried. and cried.


the song "words in the water" is absolutely my favorite track on the entire album.
as i told my friend viv earlier, that song just cuts me deeply& it makes me weep.


"Sinking, down deep through cold water and heavy silence, shadows stirring in the gloom.
What things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?
And when I lost all hope to look, someone took that heavy book from my hands; all its weight they set aside, after they had satisfied its demands."


as i've said many, maaaaany times so far in this blog, life has been a challenge. these last 2 months have been more challenging than i ever could have anticipated.


"what things that lay sleeping down deep in the darkness woke then, to find me in that tomb?"
in some ways, i've felt imprisoned. imprisoned in a family that is not my own; that i have never known. imprisoned in a house that i cannot call "home". imprisoned in a language barrier; unable to express specifically what i want to say at any given time, because my spanish vocabulary SUCKS. imprisoned in an environment where negativity is coming at me more than i would like to accept.


"and when i lost all hope to look, Someone took that heavy book from my hands.
all it's weight they set aside, after they had satisfied it's demands."
this. is. heavy. if i allowed myself to completely bear the brunt of this burden, i would be destroyed. i'd be paralyzed. but i know the burden is not mine to shoulder.
yes, the Bible says to bear one another's burdens. but as i help my grandparents to bear their burdens-- as i help out to ease it off their shoulders-- Jesus comes in and takes the weight COMPLETELY on His shoulders. He tells us to cast our burdens at His feet... He bears them for us... and, when they are burdens that are only hurtful and not helpful, He destroys them completely. it takes time. it takes patience. it takes a great element of trusting Him and being confident that His timing is best. but it happens. and relief comes. Jesus sets the weight aside. not because He has forgotten it. not because He's swept it under the rug. not because He believes that, if He doesn't acknowledge it, it'll simply disappear.
BUT BECAUSE HE HAS SATISFIED IT'S DEMANDS.

He never sweeps aside problems; He solves them.
He doesn't tell people, "oh... just get over it. it's not that bad."
He understands. He heals. He comforts. He works& perfects& completes.


"i felt white& black reverse, and the lifting of a curse from my heart.
then, like one receiving sight, i beheld a brilliant light in the dark."


i KNOW this to be true, and i am trusting this to be true in my current situation.
Jesus has lifted the curse, because He rescued me from the life i was living alone; without Him. now He's here. He's always, always here. He promises to never leave; never forsake.
every time i remember that fact& cling to it, i see that brilliant light in the dark.
this is the dark. Jesus is the light. when the light is bright enough, it's only a matter of time before the darkness is removed completely.


"He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit, He prunes so that it will be even more fruitful."
-John 15:2

waiting, Jesus. waiting on You, and waiting to see that fruit produced in my life.
You waste no opportunities, & You do nothing without purpose. i know that, because i know You. i trust You. in this big, uncertain world, i know one thing is certain: You are real, You are alive, and You are the Anchor to my soul. You keep me grounded, You keep my head up, You keep me focused, and You help me to love.
remind me of how much i've been forgiven, that i may love much.
thank You, Jesus, that You're worth it. You are worth this.

i tell it like it is. seriously.

It has been a long& challenging week.


Spiritually& emotionally draining… FOR REAL.


I hate to sound all “Waaaah, waaaa…” Debbie Downer, but, you know, it’s the truth.


When life is fantastic & times are great, I talk about it. I’m honest about it. Previously, people have wrongly assumed, “Your life is perfect. You’re always so happy. Nothing bad ever happens to you. You always have a smile on your face. You’re unshakeable.”


LITERALLY. Each& every one of those statements has been made to me before.
And I’m the first to tell people, “Uh. Actually, you’re wrong.”
My life is NOT perfect. I’m NOT always happy. Bad things DO happen to me. I’m NOT always smiling. And, believe me, sometimes I am severely shaken.


BUT… Jesus is my Rock, my Anchor, and my Foundation. Sometimes parts of my life crumble so He can sweep away the rubble& start rebuilding something better, sturdier, stronger.


While I feel bad when I talk about having a hellish week, or the most challenging month of my life thus far, I am comforted by remembering: That’s life. That’s honesty. I aspire to live a life of transparency; of being honest with God, with myself, and with others.
And sometimes certain situations in life are going to suck. Sometimes things get you down— waaaaay down, and you feel like you can’t stand up one more time.
Sometimes a wave knocks you out, & you’re swirling, floundering, not knowing which way is up.
Sometimes that’s MY life. Sometimes I feel lost, confused, or alone.


Still, that’s when Jesus proves Himself faithful: time& time& time again.
That’s when He reaches into the sea, grabs me by the hand, & pulls me out.
Like when Peter was walking on water& started sinking, the Bible says that he cried out for Jesus and IMMEDIATELY Jesus answered that call& reached out His hand for Peter’s.


That is my Jesus. That is the God I serve. Sometimes I feel totally wiped out, but I know that He is my second wind; He is my energy; He is my driving force.
When I feel like I just can’t get out of bed& live another emotionally, spiritually, mentally exhausting day, Jesus reminds me that though sorrow lasts for a night, joy comes in the morning—- and He’s the one who puts that extra little pep in my step. Life is about perspective, and Jesus is the one with the always-correct perspective, therefore life is about JESUS, knowing Him, following Him, and adopting His perspective while seeking His heart.


So, all that to say: Sometimes I’m going to talk about how excited I am about A, B, and C. Sometimes I’m going to be absolutely overcome with joy about things, and I’m going to use way too many exclamation points, like I’m known to do. [Sometimes I just get so excited!!!!!! Like when I’m talking about seeing my best friends!!! Or puppies!!!! Or polar bears!!!! Or OH-MY-HEAVENS—CHRISTMAS!!!!! Haha.]




But I’m never going to falsely make people believe that I live some perfect, pain-free, worry-free, challenge-free life. Uh… That’s not real life. FACT.


I’m not some pie-in-the-sky, rainbows& butterflies, goody-goody-gumdrops ditzy girl who just thinks nothing bad is going to ever happen. 
I’m a 25 year old woman, have had my share of heartaches& heartbreaks, and have seen a lot of pain in my short life. 


However, to counteract that, I have ALSO met a loving, perfect, patient Savior who loved me before I ever gave Him a second thought, and who loves me still. 


I follow a God who is stronger, greater, & more powerful than the worst struggle.
I have seen the brightness of His glory in the midst of what I thought to be my darkest day. And, now… Now, while I’m living in a house seemingly devoid of love, compassion, or patience… My loving, compassionate, patient God is living here with me. He is living in me& through me, and He is near. Always. I can’t see Him physically, but I know His presence enough to know He’s been here since day 1, and He’ll never leave. 


When one person is not loving the other, and indifference & disregard flies in my face nearly 24/7, Jesus is  telling me: “I love YOU. I love HIM. I love HER. I am here. You can love them, because I love you. You need to love them, because they are not loving each other, but I want to change that. My love changes things.
My love covers sin. My love transforms. My love heals. My love illuminates.
My love renews. LOVE. Always love. When you feel like you’re empty& you have nothing left to give, I’ll always give enough to spare.
Just hang out with Me& I’ll show you. You do your part, because I will always do mine, and I’ll never leave you without help. LOVE, Natalie.
Love silently. Love loudly. Love in your motives, your thoughts, your decisions, your plans, your words, & your actions. Just love.”




And… I can do that, because Jesus promises to help me, to never leave or forsake me, and to supply every need. Love is necessary. He will supply it.
I need to choose love; to choose life. To speak life. 


I don’t have a perfect life, but I have a perfect God, and He gives me joy, renews my energy, gives me fresh perspective, and refocuses my vision. Life is hard. He never promised it would be easy. But He promised and currently promises to go with me, to get in the trenches with me& do the dirty work, and to propel my by the Holy Spirit and His purposes. So, overall, life is beautiful. 
Truly beautiful. Thank You, Jesus.

Drained, Yet Being Filled. Oxymoron, or Pure Common Sense?

You can't fill something that is already full.


I am being emptied. Drained. Shaken. Repeat.


God, it's hard. You know it's hard. You know this is pushing me& pulling me in directions I never anticipated; causing me to feel& experience what I never imagined.
God, I'm tired. My heart is weak in a sense, & incredibly strong in a sense.


Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick-- who can understand it?"
But then 2 Chronicles 16:9 says, "The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him..."

I imagine that the first is the cold, hard fact of what human hearts are... We are imperfect people who are far too concerned with ourselves & our own well-being.
But the second is what we are capable of with You... What YOU are capable of because You have created us in Your image, and what happens when start becoming more like Jesus, by His presence and by the power& filling of the Holy Spirit.
Great things are promised. The impossible is made possible... and expected, even.



Your eyes wouldn't be searching for a blameless heart if it were impossible for us to achieve that. You aren't cruel, nor do You lead us through life, dangling a carrot on a stick in front of us.
You are a God of promises that You keep. You're a God of action, of great strength& power. You are our shield and our defense; our energy & our ability. You are driving this car, flying this plane, holding the reins, whatever else You want to call it.


I TRUST You. I trust YOU.


You are with me. Even when I feel like I'm up to my ears in frustration& impatience, somehow You come through& keep me going, & calm me down, & give me perspective. You fill me with love.
That has never been one of my personal tendencies. But, Jesus rescued me, & has put His identity in me, and JESUS is loving, He is patient, He is kind, He is gentle, He is compassionate-- therefore, now so am I... It's just a matter of whether I believe that I ALREADY HAVE all that I need to live this life& fight this fight, and whether I will take hold of what You have ALREADY GIVEN and use them... and break them in, & make them my own.

Bleh. Practice makes perfect. It's just the "perfecting" part I'm having trouble with.
I mean, I know You told me it wouldn't be easy... but You'd be with me.
And it isn't easy. And You are with me. You hold up Your end of the bargain.
Help me to live in a way that brings You honor& praise.
You deserve it so much more than I can ever verbalize, Lord.

You are beautiful. You are inexhaustible. I can't use enough adjectives to describe how in awe I am of You at any given moment.

Thank You for being here, and for always being near. God, You promised that You would never leave or forsake me. I hold onto that. As I live in a home that appears to be completely absent of love& joy, I HOLD ONTO THAT.



YOU, God, are Love. You are the Creator of love, the expression of love, the motivation of love.

You are peace. Peace is impossible& elusive without You. But... with You... peace is evident, it's nearly tangible; it's unexplainable... it just arrives, when we least expect it, or when we're most desperate for it.


Since I have You, love& peace are present in my life. But God, it's hard to not have that around. To live in such a loving home my whole life, with parents who love You supremely, who love each other deeply, who love Jen& me... They have been the best examples I could ever ask for, and I have taken it for granted for than I ever realized. My home with them-- with the tensions& struggles that every normal family of human beings will face-- has always been a fun, relaxed, peaceful, joyful, LOVING home. Now... well, now the home I find myself living in is quite different.
There are hurt feelings. Damage has been done, & I don't see love being given as it ought to be.
Forgiveness isn't present... It's spoken of... It's desired... but it isn't happening. There is pain, there is bitterness, there is betrayal, there is silence where there should be healing& forgiveness... and I am powerless to stop it.

It isn't my business, personally, but it IS my family. I try as I might to encourage, and to make my case as to why forgiveness should be happening, Bible verses shared on how we need to love because YOU loved us first, and how we can forgive much, because we are loved much... and how the prayers& example of a believing wife can save her unbelieving husband.


But... nothing. Crickets.


There is talk of change. There are conversations about needing to make an effort, needing to put the past aside & move on, needing to pray more& let go more. But there is no practice of it.


It's disheartening, Lord. It's tiring. It's draining. It's depressing. My grandma LOVES You. I know that. I know that she loves You deeply... but it's so, so difficult to see her changing so much because of what has been committed against her. She isn't who she used to be. It kills me to see that, and it's even harder to admit it.


God, I KNOW I do not have to carry this family on my back. That's Your job.
You are our Defender. You are our Strength. You are our Anchor. You are our Hope.
But I have to do something. You call me to live my life in love... To love loudly.
I'm trying, God. You know I'm trying. But I feel like, somewhere along the lines, I must be failing miserably, because I would have thought I'd be seeing more progress by now.
I feel that, if I were really being as good of an example as I'd hope to be, that I would be seeing miraculous things happen, healing, and love overflowing in this house.

Instead... crickets. Those damned crickets.

I feel like a child desperately trying to keep her parents from divorcing. Obviously I've never lived in that type of scenario, but this is what I imagine it would be like. Trying to get the two sides to get along. Answering questions for one when the other is giving the silent treatment. Trying to recall good memories of better times, in hopes to lighten the mood. Going places I don't want to go& doing things I don't want to do, for the sake of being the buffer.


God, Your love is powerful. It has the power to drastically& completely change lives.
I know it has changed mine, and Your love is continually changing me.

Please, God. Please send Your love in immeasurable, overflowing, impossible amounts.
We need You. I need You, Jesus, to come to my rescue-- where else can I go? Only You have the words of eternal life. ONLY YOU.

Please give me more love than I have ever had before. Fill me so much with Your love, joy, & presence that my being cannot contain it and I HAVE to overflow it onto the people around me.
Not just with my grandparents, but with the doctors& receptionists& cashiers& pharmacists& Starbucks baristas& my grandparents' friends& my family& complete strangers.

Your love changes things... People... Situations... Perspectives... Attitudes... Opinions.
It is impossible for it not to. At some point, something has to give.
Somehow, somewhere, someone will buckle, and Your love will pour out onto this family like a flood.
A much-necessary flood after days, months, & years of drought.


I can't do this on my own.
And I thank You that You don't expect me to, nor do You WANT me to. I know You are with me. I know You're paving the way, and that You're also watching my back.


But, God, please send someone-- anyone-- to fight this battle with me. I know You are here, but I feel like I need someone at my side. Even if it's just someone to pray with... someone to share with& to listen to. God, I SO miss my friends in Yucca, and being with countless different people every week, and just getting together with people and LISTENING to what's going on with them, and being able to share what's going on in my life, and the growth, encouragement, & perspective that You bring from those conversations.

Right now I feel like that is at a standstill. I don't know anyone here... and the only ones I do know are being like the Dead Sea... Inlets, but no outlets. I can't talk to my grandparents about the problems I'm facing when the problems are their own. Nor would I ever want to. Nor do I feel like talking about what I'm dealing with when they're problems seem to be on such a greater scale, and I don't want to stress them out& raise their blood pressure.
God, I need a friend. I need someone to talk to, and someone to be my age with.


If that's not going to happen soon... Well, I will still trust You. And I know that You supply EVERY need, in Your timing. You are the friend who is closer than a brother. And as I spend more time with You, and as I see Your face more clearly, and as I get to know You better, seeing how You work and what motivates You.... Well, then, I will become more like You, and that's only ever going to be a beautiful, wonderful, fantastic thing.

Again, God... Please just show me to love more deeply. Help me to get myself out of the way so I can focus on the needs around me, trusting that You will take care of my needs as You always do.


Help me to communicate love with my motives, my thoughts, my words, my actions, my demeanor, my attitude, and even my eyes. If the eyes are the windows that see into the deepest part of a person, let people look into the depths of who I am & find You.
It's a big prayer, I know. But, hey, after praying for patience, I definitely NEED to pray for love, and lots of it. So, God, do the impossible as only You can.
I need You. I trust You. And I wait for You.

holy. moly.

Pretty sure, besides oatmeal, everything I've eaten today has been snack foods.
I'm moderately okay with that. I mean, the 4 year old in me is stoked. But the aspiring nutritionist is pretty disappointed.
Oh well. It's been a delicious day. I kind of have a stomachache now, though.
Hmm. Hindsight. You know.


Today was... INTERESTING.

Aside from the unceasing snacktime, I felt like I did a lot, but got little accomplished.

Case in point:
Drove my grandpa to a doctor's appointment.
Drove my grandparents to McDonald's, where we had breakfast& a nice, long chat with a sweet friend of theirs who encouraged me time& again to, "Travel! It's good for you!" Couldn't agree more.
[That was a nice point of the day. No feelings of wasted time. When sharing your life& love with another, even if simply by listening, you are never wasting time. That's my opinion, anyway.
Never be too busy for people. Even if you can't give significant time (hey, we all have responsibilities & schedules. That's life. And the American way...), give your interest& concern. It speaks volumes. And I speak from experience.]


Anyway, after breakfast, we went to the bank. Then to the post office. Then I drove home& dropped off my grandpa. Then my grandma& I went to Sam's Club.
We came home, unloaded groceries, & I made lunch for my grandpa.
Then my grandma and I had to go BACK to the bank, deal with some stuff, & go back home. I cleaned& did laundry. Then I gave my grandparents dinner, cleaned up, & left again to the grocery store& to the pharmacy.


I was out of the house at 4 different times today, running errands each time, and the only time I actually felt accomplished was when I was sitting& listening to a 70+ year old woman talk about life and what it was like growing up in Europe during the time of WWII.


I SO NEED a perspective change. I know that what I'm doing is worthwhile. I know that there is so much purpose in this season in my life. I know that the simple things like cooking& cleaning for my grandparents are important& worthy responsibilities... just as it was worthy, in Jesus' eyes, to give a child a cup of water in His name. Even though my grandparents still technically have each other, they really don't. It's not that I'm the glue holding them together... I know only the grace of God& His capability is holding them together... but I'm definitely the buffer and the peacemaker, and I see that. And I know it is a high, difficult, & blessed calling. My grandma's sweet Catholic friends from church call me her guardian angel.


I know I'm not. I'm just a typical human being... but one who is loved by God&, impossible as it is to truly fathom it, who is used by Him. I see that there are heights and depths Jesus is taking me to already, and so many more that He is just waiting to uncover, that I may discover. However, as it's overwhelming in a good way, my own perspective& misunderstanding& unwillingness can make this season overwhelming in a bad way.


I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I'm [ashamed to admit it, but] stressed. I'm lonely.
I don't like going to McDonald's every morning. I'd rather use the weekends to sleep in, make breakfast here, and leisurely enjoy my mornings at my own pace, reading& listening to podcasts, & laying in bed til at least 8:30.


I don't like dealing with money-- let alone anyone else's. Let alone anyone else's, especially when they've been swindled by someone they thought trustworthy. I know my grandparents can trust me implicitly, and I'd never betray them but, still... I want nothing to do with their bank visits. EVER.


I don't like being stuck in the car or house all day. I love chill days where I get to read and be quiet and not talk that much. But I also need to be active, need to be with people, need to be experiencing& exploring.
All work& no play makes Jack a dull boy. Except that my name is Natalie and I'm a girl.

It's rough having a 11-12 hour workday with no breaks. I'm at someone else's beck& call until about 7pm, after dinner is done& dishes are washed... then I escape to run my own errands& get out on my own. Sadly, the sun isn't up long after 7, and since I'm a single girl, I can't just be out& about, walking outside or going to sit at the park when it's dark and I'm all alone. This city may be bigger than home, but it's limiting& suffocating at times.


I need to meet people. I need friends, and people I can go out with... Safety in numbers. But not "go out" going out... I love eating& dancing just as much as the next girl, but I don't like clubs& bars and hanging out in them. I don't belong. I stick out like a sore thumb, drinking my water from a fancy glass with a black straw, eating nothing, because they all have gluten& dairy-filled menus.
I just want to go OUT.... as in OUTSIDE. For a walk, or a hike, or to sit at the park and watch the... uh... planes? go by. I want a dog to walk... at least that would keep me moderately safe.


I went to Starbucks tonight after I ran my errands. That was my plan all along.
To get out of the house by 7-ish, take care of some things that needed to be done, and sit at a coffee shop and read my book. So, I did.
I ordered my grande soy, no-water chai, and sat down to read The Alchemist.
The room was quiet, with other readers& students obviously studying for their first weeks of college. It was such a relaxing, enjoyable time, and the only thing I would've changed is that I would've been outdoors. But, hey, I'll take what I can get.


In The Alchemist, Paulo Coelho writes [from the perspective of Melchizedek, the wise old man], "It's the simple things in life that are the most extraordinary; only wise men are able to understand them."


You see, that's where my perspective has been off.

My life, while difficult, & changing, & new, & challenging... Has become quite simple.

Whereas before I was constantly with new/different people, keeping the same work schedule but filling my free time with everything [and everyone] under the sun, now I'm keeping quite a full "work schedule" and yet not deviating from it much with my "free time."

I use quotes, not because it's the "cool" thing to do [Ha.] but because my "free" time isn't really FREE. I feel a great sense of obligation to always be on call, to always be available, to not lock myself down in my room, painting or decorating or reading or cleaning or organizing or FREAKING UNPACKING... So, my free time is often taken up by running extra errands or being out of the house doing things chosen by another person.
That's fine& dandy Monday-Friday, but it gets old after awhile.

Maybe I'm selfish. But at least I'm honest.

Anyway, my schedule has become quite simple.
Baseline: To drive my grandparents everywhere they need to go, be present at all appointments, provide meals, to take vitals& administer medication, & to be available.


That takes up far more of my day than I ever imagined.
I've become a mom, for crying out loud. That's something I never expected... Literally NEVER crossed my mind before I came here. So many people can look at stay-at-home moms and think, "Wow... Lucky you, you get to live the good life& you don't have to work."
WHAT. A. LOAD. OF. CRAP.


I know stay-at-home moms. They never stop. The only time they rest is during naptime and, oftentimes, they're so looking forward to that 1-2 hour break that they fill it with every possible thing they want to accomplish [thus not resting] OR they knock out cold until their baby wakes them up [thus not being productive].


Thank God my grandparents don't depend on me like a baby depends on it's mother... but, still, holy cow, do they depend on me! I finally understand [to some degree... likely a very slight degree] what it's like to be a mother, and for my time to NOT be my time.


Yet, no one could EVER tell a mother, "Eh. Your job is insignificant. It's simple. Not much to it." Maybe the schedule is simple& tedious& unchanging enough. But the simplicity is wrapped up in miles of purpose, depth, worth, & inexplicable value.

One of the attributes of God is the love, tenderness, & concern of a mother.
That's HUGE. That's saying something about mothers and their roles.
[And about the roles of pseudo-mothers, like me. ]


This phase in my life, challenging as it may be, is rather simple.
Yet, in the simple times, the extraordinary is found... and only wise men are able to understand that.


I've missed that point. Drastically. Often. Embarrassingly.


I am striving, seeking, searching, aiming to live an extraordinary life.
A life extraordinarily given to Jesus. Led by the Holy Spirit. Completely surrendered to God's plans, His heart, His purposes, & His glory.


I want my life to be SO hidden with Christ in God that I become transparent and He alone is clearly seen. I want the most vivid thing about my life, my words, my actions, my motives, and my habits to be that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, He is Love, & He is on the throne.


I want people to see God for who HE is: Creator. Artist. Musician. Lover. Giver. Father. Sacrificer. I want people to realize God is not an ogre, nor is He a fire-breathing dragon, waiting anxiously for people to screw up so He can burn us up or strike us with lightning.
He doesn't sit on some high cloud, waiting to strike.

On the contrary, He waits. He watches.
He sees when we fall, and He picks us up every single time... Only with Him are we able to fall down 7 times and get up 8... because He is picking us up, bandaging our wounds, and teaching us how to walk.

HE IS LOVE, the fullness of love, the epitome of love, the Creator of love, the origin of love.

Loving others& living for others is challenging. My selfish me doesn't like doing it. My Christian me doesn't like doing it 50% of the time. Flesh vs. spirit, you know?
It's a real battle. It's hard. It's hell.

But I have a Savior, an Anchor, a Hope, a JESUS who fights FOR me and who stands on the front lines WITH me, enabling me to fight the good fight of faith, to move forward, to press on toward the goal-- He is the goal.

He is worth every minute of this new phase of dying to myself. He is refining me& perfecting me; searing off the parts that are killing me or weakening me.


I hope& pray& expect that He will come through, and that He will help me let go of SO MUCH of the selfishness, impatience, pride, and individualism that remains.
By His grace, may I be a softer person, a gentler person, a meek woman-- having great strength, but tempered by kindness, compassion, and patience, as only Jesus can enable.


WOW. Wasn't expecting for any of that to come out.
It just... did. On that note, I'm exhausted & going to bed. Yes. Before midnight.
Baaaarely. But, hey, it's a start.