the hits just keep coming...

and at least they’re keeping me on my toes!

so, storytime:

i was out of town [by “out of town” i mean i left LA and was at home in yucca all week], last week and just got back to LA yesterday at 5pm.

lo and behold, i realized that i was locked out of my room. there is ONE key to the downstairs floor [which is where i live], and my grandma gave it to me before i left, and locked the door so my room would be left alone. welllllllllll, who knows what happened to that elusive key, because the key on my keyring that i THOUGHT was the room key actually doesn’t work. who knows where it is? possibly lost on a random sidewalk somewhere.

anyway, after unsuccessfully trying to pick the lock with a bobbypin [hey, i’ve done it before…], i decided to just sleep in the main guest room on the main floor of the house, right across the hall from my grandma.
i honestly just wanted to get into my room, unpack, and clean, but i was so hot & tired yesterday AND unsuccessful in breaking in, so i stayed up here.

finally went to bed around 12:30, only to be woken up at 4:30 by my grandma’s voice.

[THANK GOD I AM A LIGHT SLEEPER. i kid you not. i used to sleep through earthquakes & power tools when i was a kid.]


she had been awake since 3:30, in a cold sweat, dizzy, and vomiting, and finally at 4:30 decided to wake me up. my grandma is one tough cookie, so the fact that she woke me up at all alarmed me.


i asked her some questions, but when i realized she could hardly walk and couldn’t see straight, i called the ambulance. they were here within 5 minutes, and we were on our way to the hospital in 15.


luckily, because i am her granddaughter as well as my grandparents’ caregiver, the paramedics & nurses let me into the ER with her right away. they did all the preliminary stuff of checking her vitals, asking 12 billion questions, and all that jazz.


they decided to do a CT scan, “just to be safe” and, on it, they found a small nodule [aka lump, in normal-speak] on the lining of her brain. the doctor came back& talked to me about it, and we decided he should do an MRI while we were still there. unfortunately, the MRI was “inconclusive”, so she needs to go for further testing tomorrow, but the episode itself was ruled as being a bad case of vertigo. the lump is unrelated to the vertigo, but luckily they found it while testing her FOR the vertigo. my family& i are hoping and praying it’s nothing but, regardless, thank God whatever it is was found early on and can be taken care of before it gets worse.

although this has been a mentally& physically exhausting day, i am ridiculously and impossibly BLESSED— truly blessed— to love& follow& serve a God who is in control of all the tiniest [seemingly unimportant] details.


#1) i got back yesterday. and this happened early this morning. coincidence? maybe to you, but i don’t believe in coincidences. i see that as God’s protection. especially since the caregiver who fills in for me doesn’t stay the night with them, or stay here on the weekends like i do. if this would have happened last weekend, no one would have been here for her.


#2) i still have ZERO idea what happened to that key, but thank God i lost it! if i’d have been able to get into my room, i would have been on a different floor when this happened. plus, the walls down there are like a fortress… it’s difficult to hear anything but louuuuuuud music when i’m downstairs. also, the way the stairs are positioned, it would have been extremely dangerous for my grandma [in all her dizzyness] to even try to open the door to wake me up. the angle& steepness of that staircase could have really heightened the vertigo symptoms.
yeah. i don’t even want to think about that. bleh. :(


#3) when i sent a “please pray!” text to a handful of friends this morning, i got a reply from gena [my friend& previous co-worker/supervisor] saying, “i have been in prayer all night! so strange!” and proceeded to tell me she’d been awake & praying since 3:30 in the morning…  which is when my grandma woke up& first got sick. by the time i sent the text from the hospital, gena had already been praying for 2 hours. GOD. IS. FAITHFUL. the Holy Spirit is so powerful… He always has the perfect timing.


this responsibility is definitely the most difficult one i’ve ever had to face… two people depending on me with their lives, whether casually or seriously. i’ve never had to do anything like this before [especially not constantly; daily], and today i was thinking, “i don’t know if i can handle this… this is more than i was expecting.
i never thought i’d be in and out of so many hospital rooms & unexpected situations.”


but, i stick to my guns:

i’m here until God says, “leave.”
and i can do ALL things—- every, single thing—- through Christ who gives me strength. i met a pastor last week who, when he heard about what i’m doing, said, “oh wow. so, you’re a mom now.”
haha. and, yeah, i guess it does feel that way in certain circumstances. that aspect of, “well, your health& well-being is more important than my plans/my sleep/my agenda, etc.”


i’m not claiming to be the most patient, giving, or others-focused person.

i’m not.
as a matter of fact, living here& becoming a caregiver, and giving my schedule to someone else to dictate for me has been one big butt-kicking. it’s unnatural to me— me: natalie aceves, the independent, spontaneous one who loves flying by the seat of her pants.

but, as my dear friend audrey said [in speaking of her daughter]: "yeah, maybe i have to give up some things for her. but it’s worth it to me, if it’s what’s best for her. i love her so much& want what’s best for her, no matter what.”

BOOM.

couldn’t have said it better myself, aud.
i know i’m not going to be here, doing this, forever.
but, for the time being, i’m here.


it’s a challenge, it’s physically, mentally, & emotionally tiring, but it’s worth it.
Jesus gives me strength. He gives me energy.
He gives me wisdom into situations i’ve never been in & don’t know anything about.
He keeps me calm in the midst of scary experiences.



& He has flooded me with His love& forgiveness so i can overflow that same love& forgiveness onto others.
He is taking me further up& farther into a deeply trusting relationship with Him, and i couldn’t be in better, more protective hands.



i am held close to the heart of a Man who is perfectly compassionate, understanding, & concerned with the lives of people.
mine& my families’ included. yours included.
trust Him.   He won’t leave you hanging.

Never Once.

"Kneeling on this battle ground, seeing just how much You’ve done,
Knowing every victory is Your power in us.


Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say,
"Never once did we ever walk alone!"
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace


Never once did we ever walk alone,
Never once did You leave us on our own,
You are faithful, God, You are faithful!
Every step we are breathing in Your grace,
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise.
You are faithful, God, You are faithful,
You are faithful, God, You are faithful!"

-Matt Redman; Never Once


God, thank You for Your promises. When I am absolutely broken& on my face in front of You, feeling tired& defeated& lame& unloving& frustrated, You always say the perfect thing& remind me of promises You made YEARS ago.


Jesus said, "I am with you always, even to the end of the world."

He also said, "Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful. Remember  what I told you: I am going away, but I will come back to you again."



God, THANK YOU. I can't thank You enough. I can't stop bawling like a little baby at the reminder of Your perfect love& compassion. You consider us. You love us-- oh, how You love us! You are absolutely concerned with every detail of our lives, no matter insignificant they may seem to the human mind. You are faithful, God-- You are faithful!

I don't have to walk alone. I never have, and I never will. No matter what-- even when I am trailing miles behind You or trying to walk two steps ahead of You, You're always with me. You're always walking with me; always guiding me. You're making sure I don't fall into a ditch. And when I DO fall flat on my face, You're always right next to me to pick me up& bandage the wounds.

And GOD ALMIGHTY, You know there are wounds! I've prayed for months& years, "Break my heart for what breaks Yours..." My heart is breaking. It aches for people, and for their depression and anxiety and oppression.

Now I'm asking You, "Make it stop! I can't take it!"
But God, You know what I can take. You know what I can handle, and You'll never give me more than that, even when I think I've bitten off more than I can chew.

You give the strength to face the most difficult situations. The most hurtful parts of life.
The deepest betrayals, and the sadness of having to stand by and watch, unable to do anything to stop what has already been done to another.

GOD, MY HEART HURTS. It aches. It is weak.

I can't stand on the sidelines and watch anymore.
My hands aren't tied... I believe and know that You have created humankind to be Your hands and feet. To love, to hug, to console, to support, to enjoy, to accompany, to strengthen, & to help others. To be loved by others. To form a team, a united front.
They will know us by our love, Lord. Love is SEEN. Love is action, it is choices, it is words& it is not invisible. True love is the most visible, and is nearly tangible.


Fill me with love, Lord. Fill me with the resolve to love, NO MATTER WHAT, even when I find the object in question unworthy. I know that I, too, am unworthy. Yet You love me anyway. You've loved me since the beginning of time, and even before.

It blows my mind to believe-- not even to simply believe, but to KNOW-- that You love me, and You seem to have no problem loving me. I have never seen in the Bible where it says, "Although they were foolish, rebellious, frustrating people who were impossible to love, God reluctantly loved them anyway, even though it nearly killed Him."
Nowhere.

Sadly, I can be a begrudging lover. It's HARD. It's sometimes the exact opposite of what I would like to choose. Sometimes I want to yell or scream or give someone a piece of my mind, or mentally shut down& take off by myself. I want to run. I want to escape. I want to emotionally detach myself from situations/people where loving is a challenge.

But I can't do that. If I detached myself from all situations where loving is challenging, I would never love. Ever. I wouldn't have the opportunity to love if I only wanted perfect, controlled, easy, predictable environments where choosing love is easy.I'd be a hermit. And a lonely, depressed, shrew.
Without people in my life, I can't truly practice love. Sure, I can say, "Well, I love You, God, and You're all I need. I show You my love, and I receive Yours, so there is a sense of give& take, here. There is an outlet as well as an inlet."

But that's a bunch of crap, excuses, and an incomplete understanding, and You know it.
Of course it's easy to love You. You're perfect! You loved me first, and You will always love me more than I will ever love You. Always. Because You are love, and You are the perfect, complete Giver. You have done everything for me, You have given me everything I ever needed, never deserved, and ever truly wanted. You've given me life, hope, joy, peace, enjoyment, excitement, adventure, trust, confidence, rest, security... The list goes on& on.

Loving You is paramount, and it is key!
Without You as my foundation, I could never truly give or receive love to any other person.
However, just being loved by You& loving You back isn't the end of the story.
That is further seen in how I love people who are hard to love, and how I am loved by people when I'm being a selfish, unlovable, self-righteous, impatient brat.

Through all of that [and more], You have loved me. You love me with an everlasting love, and You continually draw me to Yourself. When I walk away, You call my name& ask me to return. When I start leaving, You come after me. When You knock& I don't answer, You knock louder. When I try to tell You what I want to do and how I want to do it, and disregard Your perfect plans, You quietly tell me to stop talking& listen... and then You begin to tell me the most wonderful plans You have for me. Or... Sometimes You don't tell me what they are, but You tell me that You are in control, that You know my future, and that I need to chill out & trust You.


NEVER ONCE HAVE I EVER WALKED ALONE.
NEVER ONCE HAVE YOU LEFT ME ON MY OWN.

YOU ARE FAITHFUL, GOD-- YOU ARE FAITHFUL!!

Help me to truly love how You do. Help me to have patience with people the way You have patience with me, and to forgive others as You have forgiven me.
Even the worst crimes& the deepest betrayals don't give me the excuse to dismiss a person, to choose to not love them, or to be rude or retaliate.

If You've loved me with the most perfect, longsuffering love, You can also fill me with that same love for others.
We can't give what we don't have-- But what You've given, You expect us to give back to You AND give to others!

And since You have given the best gifts, the most perfect love that suffers long, and unending forgiveness, You want me to give that to people, too. I'm obviously not perfect, and You know I won't do it 100% right or 100% of the time, but You are able, God. My identity is in Jesus, and when I'm identifying with Him, I'll begin to look like Him, to speak like Him, to act like Him. I can't wait for the day that I resemble Him so much that people notice and say, "Wait a second... You remind me of someone..."


You are faithful, God.
You are able.
Help me. And thank You that You can, You will, and You already ARE working, helping, defending, and fighting on my behalf and on behalf of those around me.
Bring the truth to light. Break the chains that surround us. Free us, Lord. Destroy Satan... You have already defeated Him! Please remind us that he cannot destroy us... He can try as he might, and he will try... but he will not defeat us. Jesus has defeated him already, and the victory is ours.

Please remind me of that beautiful truth, and help my family& I to walk in it.
Heal broken& hurting hearts. Repair emotions, spirits, and mentalities. God, You can.
We are broken, Lord. My family is hurting. But that is when You swoop in, pick us up, & carry us. You heal us& bandage us, and You nurse us back to health.
Thank You for Your comfort.

02 August 2011.

Journal Entry.
[These get candid, so don't judge.]



God, my emotions betray me. one minute i'm fine, feeling okay, feeling strong, feeling like i can take on the world. thirty minutes later, i'm feeling weak, feeling overwhelmed, thinking i'm in over my head, feeling inadequate& friendless, or not really feeling much of anything at all.

truth is: i'm a very emotional person. i just never really saw it that way before.
i always considered "being emotional" as someone who cries easily, gets upset easily, is offended easily, or who is just very dramatic & problematic.
but that is one-sided. an emotional person is someone who expresses, feels, or communicates a lot of emotion, good or bad.

i, natalie aceves, am an emotional person!
i experience & communicate& express emotion A LOT.

i become easily excited, i am easily amused, i love to laugh& laugh with others. i like to listen to others, to be a source of support or reliability. i like to cry with others& feel with others. i like to connect with others, whether spiritually or through mutual experiences, similar opinions& thought processes, or through mutual interests-- and all of those things require some type of emotional connection, however slight it may be!

i THRIVE on newness, challenges, excitement, spontaneity-- and i'm suddenly living in a house with people who live by tradition, habit, and routine. i'm used to being with several different people over the span of a couple of hours, let alone a couple of days! i'm not used to going to 3 doctor's appointments in one day, followed by a chill day, followed by a hospital day, followed by more appointments... and all this from a girl who hates going to the doctor!

this is SO, 100% different for me and so not "me" in any way, shape, or form. i realize You're telling me, "life is not about you, natalie, or about always doing what you want to do, when you want to do it."
even though that's a tough pill to swallow, THANK YOU for that reminder!
i so absolutely, sincerely need to learn this, and not only to know it in my head, but to actualize it in my heart, my actions, & my ambitions!

i need to realize now that i am not, nor have i ever been, nor will i ever be the center of the universe.
the world revolves around You, and You hold it together, and You keep it. as if hung by a string over the darkness, poised to fall. my God, i am not--- but You are!

i am not the point. i am not the focus. i am not the goal. i am not the center. i am not the princess.
i.   am.   NOT.

...but You ARE! You are the goal. You are the point. You are the focus. You are the center. You are the King. You are the Beginning, and You are the End. You are the Author& You are the Perfector.
You are the ability and You are the accomplishment.
You are the reason and You are the goal. You are, Lord... You ARE.

this is a tough lesson to learn. it's difficult. it's frustrating.
it is unnatural for my selfish, self-preserving nature to accept.
but it is true & it is necessary.

teach me, God.

teach me to love. to TRULY love as You do, putting others first, no matter what that means for me or my ideas& plans.teach me to be gracious; to want to show patience& kindness& selflessness to others and not be so focused on my ideas of entitlement.

i just want to be more like Jesus in every aspect of my life. i want to be selfless& compassionate; to think of others' needs before my own. to offer everything i have and everything i am to YOU, and to trust You to lead me in how to live my life, how to serve others as if i'm doing it directly for You-- because i am-- and to enjoy what it means to be like Jesus& to love like Him; not to dread it or to see it as a "be careful what you wish for thing", like when people say it's a bad idea to pray for patience.
it's hard, yeah. but, God... GIVE ME PATIENCE. it's a rough prayer to pray, and an even more difficult habit to adopt, but life without patience is so much more challenging, and it's miserable.

so, God, please do Your thing. i trust You.
"i'm told that You hold all things and, without You, that i'd cease to be. You don't just hold me-- You hold me together."


give me strength. teach me patience. show me to love as You do, and to have a generous heart that reflects Yours... i want to not only be generous with my money, belongings, or resources, but to be generous with my attention, my time, my energy, and my love.

i trust You, Father. i'm in Your hands, therefore i'm in the best hands. please help me out. i know You will. You always have, and You will never leave me hanging.

THANK YOU, Lord! i love You.


Read SLOWLY. And repeatedly. That's the only way this got through to me as powerfully as it did. It made me bawl like a baby. God knows what I need. Always.
He has created& fashioned& intricately made and designed my heart... He considers all my works. He knows my plans and makes& breaks them as He sees fit, like any awesome, involved, caring Father would.

Let all the earth fear the LORD;
Let all the inhabitantsof the world stand in awe of Him.
For He spoke, and it was done;
He commanded, and it stood fast.

The LORD brings about the counsel of the nations to nothing,
He makes the plans of the peoples of no effect.
The counsel of the LORD stands forever;
The plans of His heart to all generations.
Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
The people He has chosen as His inheritance.

The LORD looks down from heaven;
He sees all the sons of men,From the place of His dwelling He looks on all the inhabitants of the earth,
He fashions their hearts individually.
He considers all their works.

-Psalm 33:8-15