love.

"Most importantly, continue to show fervent love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins."
1 Pet. 4:8




LOVE.


What an overused, underused word. It's used all the time in conversation... and I'm one of the worst cuprits. "I love Jesus! I love sunny days... people... puppies... Christmas... football... coffee... my family... and I love YOU!"
I mean, jeeeez.


So many different connotations & meanings for one small word.


Yet, as much as it is overused in conversation, it is underused in action, intention, & relationship.
We fight, we bicker, we insult, we offend, we complain, we undermine, we demand, we take for granted, we underappreciate, we act indifferent, we snap, we explode... and then.... right before walking out the door, we conveniently brush it all away by saying, "Bye. Love you."


Um... excuse me, but NO.


Obviously, no one is perfect. We're all humans with selfishness & self-centeredness & opinions & tempers [no matter how long or short they may be].
But there is a love that operates in intentionality. I believe that is required for authentic love.
On the flip side, inconsideration, indifference, and harshness show an absence of love.




It is not simply enough to tell someone you love them. You must show it.
Words that are not backed by action are just empty promises... "fluff".
I'd much rather have someone show me they love me & never say it, than to have someone tell me they love me & never show it.


Respect. Honesty. Integrity. Kindness. Appreciation. Enjoyment. Listening. Discussing things. Agreeing to disagree. I don't want yes-men in my life. I don't choose friends based on whether I think they'll just agree with everything I say & change to be like me. HECK NO.


My closest friends & I are similar or identical in about 50% of things, and completely individual & different in the other 50%. It's awesome.


We share, we listen, we agree, we understand each other... but we also think for ourselves and have our own ideas& opinions. We each do things in unique ways. I think that's the best kind of friend.
Someone you can connect with, relate to, and understand-- while still allowing each other to be individuals, accepting each others differences& views, and believe challenged to grow, learn, understand, and think outside of the box,  in order to see things from someone else's perspective.


It is too easy to be SO set in our own ways and extremely opinionated, so that we refuse to admit when we're wrong & another is right.




So often I've heard people say, "I'll change him... I'll fix her... I'll train them..." and I think, "REALLY??" I can't stand that mentality. I've long said that I can change no one, it's not my place to "fix" anyone, and since people aren't pets, I don't really have an interest in training them.


I fully believe in leading by example. I think so many of the best leaders I've known& observed have been the ones who didn't really have to say anything... they just are wonderful leaders because they live their lives with intentionality, conviction, and passion... and people just want to follow suit.


Love does not seek to fix others, or to train them to be a mirror image of yourself, or to be a little cookie cutter image of what your ideals and standards are. To love a person is to love who THEY are... not to love whom you're training them to be.


If my parents said, "Natalie... we love you because you share our genes and because you do everything we tell you to do." I'd think, "Oh. Sweeeeeeeet. Glad to know I mean so much to you."
But, no. My parents love me because they like my personality, and my sense of humor, and they know my heart. Even though I don't do everything they tell me, or follow every piece of advice they give me, they love that I'm a strong individual, and that I endeavor to follow God's path for my life, and that I take risks, and that they can trust me enough to let me go & do all those things. If I'm having a good day or a bad day, they love me. Because they do not simply love what I do, they love who I am. And, yeaaaah, they love me unconditionally because I'm their daughter. :)




Right now I'm trying to determine whether what I believe "love" to mean is TRULY what love means. I think I'm off. Not by a longshot. But to a degree, my perspective has been off; my aim has been misdirected.


Love is not attention.
Love is not affection.
Love is not kind words.
Love is not gifts.
Love is not quality time.
Love is not merely lending your thoughts to others.


Yes, those are all ways of showing love... but love is SO MUCH MORE than that.


JESUS is love. Therefore, love is sacrificial. Love is passionate. Love is reckless. Love is selfless. Love is accepting. Love is enjoying. Love is joyful, hopeful, enduring, and giving.
1 Corinthians 13 tells us that love suffers long and is kind.


Do the images of love in my mind portray patience, kindness, selflessness, and sincerely putting others' interests& needs above my own? Do I love my family just because we're family& they're always there for me? Do I love my friends simply because we have a lot of common interests, good conversations, and similar humor? No. Absolutely not.


I love them because of who they are, because of their character, their personalities, their hearts, their minds, their examples, their lives. Still... I think this is something I need to extend further in my life. I want to view everyone like I view my "loved ones".
Rather than just being nice, or being friendly, or being personable, I want to be LOVING.


I don't want to have friendships& relationships with people based on what they have to offer me. I want to love in the way that Jesus loves... Practically, yet deeply. Accepting of differences, yet never straying from truth. Speaking the truth in love, without sacrificing one for the other. To love others in a very casual, natural, organic way, without forgetting depth or sacrifice.




I feel as though I've been numb for awhile. Unfeeling. Going through the motions. Doing what I do, because I know I need to, or I know it's right, or I know it's what is expected.
I don't want to be a robotic shell of myself. I want to be REAL. To feel, think, see, touch, hear, experience. And I think getting a clearer view on what love truly is will spur me toward more feeling. Hurts, joys, excitement, sadness... The whole 9 yards.
I don't want to numb my emotions simply because I don't like crying in front of people or feel the need to be strong for others. Sometimes the best form of strength you can share with a person is letting them see how weak you actually are. Instead of being intimidated by people, or holding yourself to a false standard, you realize that all humanity is equal, and no one is above brokenness.

In fact...
Brokenness is the catalyst for growth & repair.


And love must be the driving force. With Jesus, it always is. 

Goodbyes.

One thing you should know about me is that I royally SUCK at goodbyes.
Seriously. I feel almost heartless.


Maybe it's because I've never been an overly emotional person.
Maybe it's because I have underactive tear ducts.
Maybe it's because I've gotten so used to coming& going, moving& leaving, and saying goodbye to my favorite people in the world.


When I moved to Spain [originally thinking I'd be there for a year], I didn't even cry. I ended up being there 2 and a half years, but came home for a couple visits during that time. Maybe I've numbed myself to those heart-wrenching airport scenes I've been through that most people only observe in movies.


Either way... All those factors combine to prove that I am terrible with goodbyes. My family cries, sometimes friends cry... and I just stand there... and hug them, and say, "It's okay, I'll see you soon!" whether I know that or not. I say, "Oh, well I'll be back for Christmas" or "At least there's Skype!" or "Well, we'll just have to call each other more often."


I make excuses for how bad it sucks, because I'm not good at expressing negative emotion, ESPECIALLY not in front of people, and especially not on the spot. So I say, "There, there" and pat their backs & send them on their merry way, and about a week, two weeks, or a month later, it hits me like a ton of bricks.
I realize this isn't normal. I realize it's weird, especially for a girl. I realize it makes me sound/seem unfeeling, or indifferent. I know that. I think so, too. I can express happy, excited emotion better than half the known world... but when it comes to sad things, I'm not so great.
I'm a freaking odd bird, and I don't make sense to a lot of people. But that's just me. 



Bottom line: If I say bye to you and I don't cry, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
Don't think it means I don't care. Don't think it means I don't already miss you... because several of you I already miss, even though I'm still here, just knowing what I won't be around for.
Hell, I didn't even cry when saying bye to my sister this morning! That proves that my lack of tears isn't a lack of emotion or caring... because she is one of the people I will miss the absolute very most.


Lastly, please don't ask me how I'm feeling.
Don't ask me what I'm thinking.

I'm feeling& thinking far too much to be able to express it in a short, passing, small-talk focused, 2 minute chat.


1) Yes, I'm excited.
2) Yes, I'm sad.
3) Yes, I can't wait to see what God has planned for me next.
4) Yes, I'm glad to start a new adventure& enter into an unknown path& future.
5) Yes, I'm going to miss my family& friends more than anything, and I can't even think about it yet.
6) No, there is nothing "specific" taking me to Colorado. I'm moving there because I want to, because I know California is not where I'm going to end up, & because I'm nearly 26 and want to move on with my life& follow the goals& visions for my life... not because there's a person I'm following, or a big fantastic job lined up. I plan to work there, and continue/finish school there. 


So... Those are my answers. Let's hang out. And let's have good times& talk about fun stuff, and leave the sadness& goodbyes for the last day I see you, because I can't deal with that every day for my last week& a half in California. It's just not how I roll. Plus... I'll see you at Christmas, & there's always Skype. ;)