Self-Preservation pt. II

"In a world of uncertainties, our priorities often become self-serving and self-preserving."
-Tim Chaddick

Self-preservation is ugly. I have noticed its presence in my life over the last several years. In recent years, God has really broken down a lot of walls, and destroyed barriers that I had worked to meticulously to build up. Its slightly comforting-- for a time-- to build up protective barriers, trying to keep people at arm's distance so no one ever gets close enough to break your trust or disappoint you. I had built walls in my life for many reasons--- reasons which I'm not going to be detailed about. Its not a matter of distrust, but discretion, since I don't know who reads my blog.

Anyway, for several years in my life, I had built this pretty little life, and a pretty little picture of who I wanted people to think that I am. Don't get me wrong-- I am hidden with Christ in God. My identity and my security are in Jesus Christ. I know who I am in Him, and I know what my personality is, and how my life has shaped that as well. Its the whole nature vs. nurture argument. I believe that people's lives are a balance between the two. God has made me a positive person, and His spirit in me gives me hope, joy, and confidence.

The fact that I smile, am joyful, and laugh a lot are not fake. That's who I am, and those are qualities that seem natural to me, because of the way God created me. However, for a few difficult years in my life, I took those qualities [which were not coming naturally at the time], and hid behind them. People would ask me, "How are you?" and I would say, "I'm good, thanks, how are you?" No one took the time to really know what was going on in my life. No one knew me well enough to see that I was putting on a mask. And those who did know me well enough were far enough away and preoccupied with their own lives, that I was able to fool them.
Despite my facade, I was never able to fool myself.

I knew I was a fake. I knew I was giving people these bright, sunny answers when I felt like I was dying inside. I finally got to the point where I prided myself on being able to turn it off& on, depending on whether I was alone or with people. It was terrible. I could hardly feel, because I had so tried to shut off my emotions, in order to not experience pain.
I was in intense self-preservation mode, and I had reinforced it for nearly 2 years, so those walls were tall, and they were strong.

It wasn't until I went to Spain that God REALLY started dealing aggressively with that part of my life, because it had become to harmful to me, and was hindering my ability to serve Him on a new level. In some ways, I felt like I hardly knew who I was anymore, because I had tried for so long to quell any ideas or past memories, because they made me feel inadequate and unwanted. In a short season of my life, God did some definite breaking, refining, and rebuilding. He taught me who He is, and who He is in me. He showed me who I am in Christ, and began to reform me and reshape me into a new Natalie... one free from the restraints I'd tied myself under.

Since then, I have seen so, so, so, so many changes in my life. I used to say [literally... ask my sister], "I don't care who asks you about my life... Tell them to ask me themselves, or to mind their own business." I had experienced several occasions of people only asking me about myself or my relationships, because they wanted to know the latest dirt, so they could go tell all their friends. Instead of seeing those specific people as nosy, I allowed myself to believe that people were untrustworthy. That is such a lie from satan, and such a dark cloud to be under. God did AMAZING things in my heart, life, mind, and memory when I lived in Spain. It isn't that Spain is a magical place, but that I was so far from all of my comforts that Jesus truly became my best friend. He lifted me out of the mess I was in and allowed me to see it from a different perspective. I realized how cynical I had become, and how untrusting I was.
He put several wonderful young women [teachers, mentors, roommates, students, friends] into my life, and taught me to be open and to share my life with them. Through conversations, much prayer, and a lot of openness and honesty, God totally changed my thinking and made me a new person in that respect.

Now I LOVE getting together with younger& older women, as well as friends my age, to just talk and pray and share what Jesus is doing in our lives and realizing how we relate to each other and can support each other and know more& more of Jesus and His heart. I am far more open than I ever had been in life-- ever. Not with guys, but with girls... Again, I believe in discretion.

However, recently I have seen some of those self-preservation tendencies rising up in me again. And I wonder if maybe they were never really gone. Maybe I had overcome them so much that I neglected the fact that self-preservation instincts are just that: instincts. Something I revert back to because they were such a habit for me in the past. Little instances here and there causing me to think [and to fear] that I am not good enough, that I am simply "not enough", and that I better protect myself so I am not left hurt& alone.

What a load of crap. I'm sorry, but it is what it is.

It is such a cop-out to recoil; to retreat back into the safe little habitat I try to keep for myself, and to tell myself that its the only way I can be safe. I don't need to worry about safety when my security is in Jesus Christ. When I am hoping in Him and confident in Him and trusting in Him, He holds my heart, my mind, my life, and my emotions. He has my heart, and He will not drop it. He will not hurt me. He will not inflict pain. So why do I fear?
Why do I frantically try to save myself when I know He has already saved me?
Why do I revert back to the self-preservation He has fought so hard to free me of?
That's thing... my mind will tell me sometimes, "You're still that old person. You still have those survival instincts to pull away."

But the truth is, Jesus has broken those chains.
He has freed me from them, and although I'm not perfect and still have definite struggles, I refuse to lay down under the lies of satan and allow him to put handcuffs on me. My hands are not tied. I am not defeated. I am not hopeless. I hope in an eternal Savior, who loves me and has redeemed me, and who died for me so that He can spend my life restoring me& making me more like Himself.
THAT is love. That is true freedom. That is the kind of Man I want to follow and to give my entire life to.

Which brings me back to the initial quote:
"In a world of uncertainties, our priorities often become self-serving and self-preserving."

It was fear of the unknown, and fear of history repeating itself that caused my uncertainty and self-preservation. Fear of heartache, fear of heartbreak, and fear of giving more than I'll ever be given. But if  I am living my life for God, and giving simply because He gave and I want my life to mirror that, I don't need to worry about reciprocation. God isn't in debt to anyone, because He gave far more than I could ever dream of.

Even though this world is absolutely one of uncertainties, I don't want to be prioritized by trying to protect myself and look out for my own needs and interests, while overlooking others'. I want to be a person who gives. Who gives of my life, gives of my love, gives of my attention, time,& interest, who listens to others, who shares my experiences with people, who earnestly prays with& for others, and who is genuinely interested in loving people like Jesus, not being afraid of their motives. What an empty life that would be! To be so self-preserved that I'm hidden away from people in my own little protective bubble-- that is not life. Life is about Jesus Christ, and Jesus Christ is characterized by LOVE and relationship.

Just how much can we love when we're spread so thin?
How can the Spirit move when His body parts don't coincide?
These times are complicated, so we compartmentalize.
There are few burdens shared --just seldom intersecting lives.
-My Epic


How can the Holy Spirit move within us and among us if we are so self-protected and self-contained in our own little corners? In complicated situations and in complicated lives, we compartmentalize... we section off areas of our lives: some where we allow people in; others where we push them away. Again, I am definitely all about using wisdom in sharing certain things, and having discretion in what you share and with whom. I've learned the hard way that you can't trust everyone with everything. I have some friends that I talk to about certain aspects of life, and other friends/mentors with whom I share deeper things. That is normal, and it is right, and it is healthy.

But I'm not talking about the wisdom of discretion here.

I'm talking about human tendencies in which we sequester ourselves from being real, from being honest. Those tendencies to build up these walls and put on masks that seem to have perfect exteriors, while covering up a foundation that is crumbling.
I don't want to simply be a persona. I want to be REAL.

I want to be willing to be who I am-- who I am in Christ-- all the time, around everyone, regardless of who is watching. I want to be who God has created me to be... To stop striving, and to simply just be. I am already that person. He has already made me new. He has remade me and is remaking and reshaping me again, and I want to live a life that demonstrates consistency and integrity, not one that tries to always look perfect and poised. People identify with genuine people, not with people who try to seem like they've got it all together. And when I do have it all together [as much as possible], it is Jesus Christ is me who is making that happen, so I ought to always attribute credit to Him, and not try to take it for myself. God is so great that He is able to show Himself perfect through a less-than-perfect life. He is able to show Himself strong& mighty through my weakness, while lifting me out of that into a place of strength, where He is my continual foundation. He is able to show His purity through a person who is still being refined and far from perfect, because He is a God who restores and repairs. He is just that good.


Bottom line: I am who Christ made me. He has remade me and is making me again. He has given  me very specific personality traits, interests, strengths, and experiences for a reason, and He will continue to manifest Himself in my life if I just let down those defenses and let Him into every area. That's what I'm currently doing. Its a daily process, but it is beyond worth it. As I let Him in and let Him break down those walls, He seems to bring more& more people into my life who benefit from it, and whom I can learn from and be encouraged by. It is not just about sharing a burden here or there, but allowing my life to be completely covered& directed by Jesus, AND allowing my life to intersect with others' lives as opportunities come up. I believe that is where change happens. Its happening now. And I can't wait to see what the results are.