Caregiving 101.

So... for those of you who don't know [which would have to be anyone who stumbled on this site by accident], I am a full-time caregiver for my grandma.

It feels so weird to even say that. I usually just say, "I take care of my grandma." because the term "caregiver" seems to imply unnecessary intensity. I don't have to bathe or change my grandma because, so far, she is able to do those things herself.  I just do everything else.
To me, caregivers do ALLLLLLL of it.


Anyway, my heavens, I can take a step back, look at my life, and realize how much God has taught me, how much He is teaching me, and how much He still needs to teach me& grow me in.



A few things I have learned about taking care of elderly people:

1) LET THEM DO AS MUCH AS THEY CAN. Inversely, be sure to watch them like hawks& step in when necessary.

For example, my grandma had 9 kids and took care of them all, cooked, cleaned, did laundry, etc. She is used to taking care of people and taking care of herself.
I know it kills her to have to depend on me for so much, but the harsh reality is that she's old and she can't do what she once could. That's why I'm here.

She gets much more tired much more quickly than she did even a year ago. A mini-stroke, followed by shingles, followed by the beginning stages of dementia/Parkinson's will do that to a person. Being 81 [in 5 days!] will do that to a person. She's not the lady she was a year ago.

She often feels too tired to cook, even when she wants to. She doesn't have the energy to clean, nor does she like to [luckily, I do]. She usually wants to help with laundry, even though I have banned her from entering the laundry room. There are two sharp-edged brick stairs leading to the laundry room, and she has a walker, and it's just too dangerous for her to try to go up and down those stairs with a walker [she should never be unsupervised around stairs. EVER.], much less trying to balance a laundry basket on the walker.

So, for certain things [like laundry], I make her promise to let me do it. Since I know she still tries to do things she can't, I also watch her like a hawk and listen carefully to the clicking sounds of the walker... If I hear her going anywhere near the laundry room, I run over and grab her things before she can make it up there. She jokes that I'm like her own personal police. Darn straight I am.

For other things, like preparing her coffee or washing dishes, or folding laundry, or putting leftover food into Tupperware containers, as hard as it is for ME to not do those things, I need to let her.
I like cleaning. I don't mind doing laundry. I like washing dishes, I like preparing her coffee, I like folding her laundry& putting it away for her. I want to be helpful, and I want to make sure she's taken care of.

AT THE SAME TIME, I need to back off& let her do things herself. This morning, as I was going to prepare her coffee for her, I caught myself. I told myself, "Natalie. This is easy. She can do it herself. If she/you want to slow dementia, she needs to still do the simple tasks she's able to do." So, I just got up & got her a spoon so she could stir it, after adding the cream& sugar.

Today, when she tried to get me to let her do laundry [which of course I refused, because it is truly dangerous for her to try it, especially alone], I told her she could help me in the kitchen. So she washed dishes, and I helped her cook lunch. I have learned to pick up heavy pots& pans and move them for her. I get things from high shelves that she can't reach. I put things close by so she doesn't have to walk far to get them. I get things from the back fridge if she needs them. I carry cans or bottles that are too heavy or awkward for her to handle. I do anything else she asks me to do.

The rest, I leave to her. It's a challenge for me to remember, because if I'm not doing something, I feel useless. I feel guilty if I'm sitting down and she's washing dishes. I feel lazy if she's cooking something and I'm not helping her.
But I know that, for her, it is much more challenging. After all, if suddenly I had someone in my home, cleaning, cooking, running errands, driving, doing laundry, making my bed, etc. I would so not be cool with it. I'd feel lazy, worthless, bored, and incompetent.

My grandma is slowly losing concentration, short term memory, and clarity of mind. She is by no means "crazy" or slow, but she is cognitively-impaired. It's weird. It's surprising. It's scary. She is my grandma, whom I've been close to my entire life, and who has NEVER had mental problems. She's always been a sharp thinker, quick witted, and creative. She still is all those things... but I can definitely tell that there is a decline. She forgets things she's known all her life, she becomes confused when telling stories, and she gives wrong directions.


However, she can still carry on conversations& think/speak clearly... it's just that I notice a difference, because of how well I know her. Since she's still competent to do things for herself, I need to let her do everything she can, so it's something she will not lose. The less she is able to do, the more discouraged or depressed she can become. It's understandable. If I suddenly broke my leg and was in a cast, and was unable to care for myself, or get up and move around, I'd be MISERABLE. That's what I have to remind myself when I have a hard time letting go of something, or allowing her to do things that I think might be too much for her.

I figure I can just stand close by, and if she appears to be struggling doing something, I can help her. If she starts to trip or lose her balance, I will be close enough to help or catch her. If she can't pick something up, I can be right there to move it for her. Otherwise, I can just stand and be available, and keep her company, and help HER, rather than doing everything for her.


2) LEARN AS MUCH AS YOU CAN.

My grandma had a mini-stroke back in August. Then she had shingles in September. I know she has high blood pressure, and is on blood thinners. She has a moderately low pulse, which isn't a problem in itself, but can produce problems in the future, if it isn't properly monitored.

When my grandma tells me of symptoms or problems she's having, I call the doctor and make an appointment for her, or Google it, so I can have a better understanding of what it is/could be. I often read and reread the symptoms of a heart attack... Heart attack warning signs manifest themselves differently in women than in men.

I read up on nutrition, and am aware of what my grandma should and should not be eating, as well as what can interfere with her medications. She's not supposed to have too much coffee, so I have to be the bad guy who regulates it and tells her, "Not today. Your blood pressure is too high." It's kind of a bummer, but we joke about it, and I make her hot chocolate to lessen the blow. :)


3) REALIZE THAT YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE

I am a responsible adult, and I find it easy to take care of myself, to buy/cook foods that are safe for me to eat, keep all necessary items stocked, keep my laundry under control, change my sheets often, and stay on top of all of my bills. However, being responsible for another ADULT is really challenging.
Oftentimes I hope that my "responsibility" is not coming off as seeming disrespectful.

Like I said about the coffee/food, I have to tell my grandma what she can and can't eat, or when she can and cannot have it.

Perfect example: The other day we were deciding what to do for lunch. I told her that we had a LOT of leftovers from cooking the day before, plus leftovers my grandpa had from eating out. We decided he& his caregiver could have leftovers, so food wouldn't be wasted. I told my grandma that I had chicken tortilla soup in the Crockpot, and she said that's what she wanted for lunch. However, when we got home& I started serving her, she decided she wanted to have hot chocolate & cookies for lunch. Hahahahahaha.

I seriously laughed, because she reminded me of 6 year old me, and how I would try to convince my parents to let me have ice cream for breakfast. I told her, "Nope, I'm sorry. You need to eat the soup. It has vegetables & even though I know you don't eat chicken, the broth has a lot of nutrients. The home care nurse told you that you need more fresh food in your diet, and less carbs. You can have cookies after, but you need to eat this first or you'll fill up on dessert."

So I took the cookies& put them away, and served her lunch, and brought the cookies back when she was finished eating. I felt SO WEIRD. I felt like I was mothering her, and I hated it, because she's the one who used to take care of me! I was so hoping I hadn't overstepped my boundaries, but I also realize that it's my responsibility to provide logic in a situation.
If my grandma eats nothing but carbs and sweets, she will get sick, possibly develop diabetes, raise her blood pressure AND blood sugar, and feel lethargic.

I know a lot about nutrition, just because I read at least a few health/nutrition articles each week, and because I've studied it in college& plan to major in nutrition. I've done a LOT of research on Type 2 diabetes and high blood pressure, since my grandpa has had both for years. There is much I don't know, but I'm pretty darn good at finding reputable articles online, so I educate myself  as much as possible. My grandma doesn't know those things.
It's my responsibility to tell her about them, share them with her, and intervene if she is neglecting or forgetting them.

It's just so hard to go from being the child to suddenly feeling like the parent. I still very much respect my grandparents, and treat them with respect... but saying "No" to them or making decisions for them is unnatural to me.



4) BE AVAILABLE & ANTICIPATE NEEDS.

This is pretty self-explanatory, and I've mentioned it above. In living here and taking care of my grandparents [my grandpa first, and now only my grandma], I have to anticipate their needs or reactions when I do something. If my grandma asks me if there are clean sheets, it's because she wants to change the ones on her bed. If I don't do it for her, I know she will take them off her bed, take them to the laundry room, wash them herself, and make her bed. I also know it's dangerous for her to try to do that alone, and that making her bed without help will seriously tire her out.

So, when she goes to have breakfast, I grab the sheets, throw them in the washing machine, and be sure to put new sheets on her bed before she comes back to lie down in the afternoon.
If I'm going to be out of town for the weekend and her prescriptions are running low, I order them before Friday, so I can have her pill boxes filled& ready for her for the weekend.

When I was younger-- high school & in Bible college-- I used to pray often for the sharp observation to anticipate needs before people asked. I'm glad God answered that prayer, and is still answering it in my daily life today. If I can do things for people before they have to ask, things run much more smoothly. For that reason, I've often thought I'd be a great secretary or personal assistant. Right now I'm kind of both. :)





5) REMEMBER THAT YOU CAN'T DO IT ALL.

This is probably the most important thing I am currently learning. Sometimes I feel like I don't do enough, or that I'm not fun enough, because I'm so focused on taking care of serious needs, or because I'm having to make decisions about my grandma's health. Sometimes I feel bad that I want/need to leave here every weekend or that, come 7 pm, I disappear downstairs until 7 the next morning. But I need that to remain sane.

I need time to myself. I need time to be active. I need time to ACT MY AGE, and not be doing everything at the pace of an 80 year old woman. While I'm with her, yes, I walk slowly, I do a lot of waiting, and I help her with a lot. It's good, it's necessary, and it's what's best for her.
But when I'm by myself, I can do things normally... and that in itself keeps me feeling like "me".

Getting away on the weekends and visiting family& friends is something that [while it puts a lot of miles on my car], makes me happy, gives me support, provides great conversations& perspective, and just allows me to invest in and benefit from great relationships. I am able to go to my own church, and to talk about what God is teaching me, and to listen to others about their lives& what God is doing for them, and to pray with/for others, and to spend time with Jesus and give time to serving others AND resting.
THAT is what recharges me. It is not bad that I need time away from my grandparents, or time at home with family and friends, or time away from family and friends and ALONE with Jesus. Those are normal, good, necessary needs. Before I can love people, I must love Jesus... and I love Him because He first loved me.... Therefore, in order to love Jesus, I must realize I am loved by Him. And the way that happens is by reading His word, spending time in prayer, talking to Him, listening to Him, worshiping Him with my voice and with my actions, etc.


It's all very normal. And it must be embraced, not rejected. First, I need Jesus.
Second, I need people. People to support me, and people whom I can support. Jesus came not to be served, but to serve. However, we serve Him, too. And I need to not think, "No, I have to serve YOU in order for this to work." Sometimes God wants other people to serve, and sometimes you're the recipient. So when people want to help me out, or do something nice or helpful for me, I need to not try to do it myself, but accept it.


Yup. I can't do it all. Nor do I need to. Nor should I try. God put billions of people in this world, to be interconnected and interdependent with. We don't depend on people for our worth, joy, or fulfillment... JESUS came to give life, and life more abundantly.
But we do depend on others for basic needs& enjoyment... I am seriously overjoyed to share my life with the incredible people God has placed in my path--- but my joy in, need for, and love for people should never exceed my joy in, need for& love of Christ.

He always wins. He is better. He is FIRST. And He must always remain first if I want to continue to enjoy people in a way that honors Him.