Unrest.

I hate when there is so much on my heart& mind that it literally feels like there is a weight on my chest. The only way for me to make that go away is to get it out. Thus, I write. Read if you like, don’t if you don’t. Its that simple.

My life has been very interesting lately. In good ways, in bad ways, in surprising ways, in expected ways. Overall, I can say that I am doing well. Its so strange how life can change so suddenly, and thoughts, ideas, plans, and hopes can change with it.

I can’t say that I’ve been content with living here, with being in this job, and with going to school. In some ways, I have been content. In many ways, I have long been experiencing a sense of unrest.

I think that God uses that state of unrest to keep me from becoming too comfortable in a static place in life. The minute I start getting used to something, whether it’s a job, an idea, a location, a person, or a plan, it seems to leave quickly thereafter. Around the time I start getting settled is when things are moved, changed, and shaken. I’m not saying this to complain. God knows exactly what He’s doing, and His timing is key.

My life right now is no different. There are always many unknowns and “unexpecteds”, but one thing that I can count on is change… as contradicting as that may seem. I don’t know what the change will be, but I do know that change is inevitable.


Lately I have been more introspective than usual. It’s a good thing. God has been speaking into my life A LOT, through His word, through honesty in conversation with Him, through others, through podcasts, through books, through old friends& complete strangers. It has been wonderful, overwhelming, and thought-provoking all at once. I know that if He is using all these avenues to speak to me, its because He really has a lot to say. I can only reflect the heart of Samuel, “Speak, LORD, for Your servant hears.” I want not only to hear, but to listen to God. The fact that He speaks to humanity is mind-blowing in itself. But the fact that He speaks to me about my heart, my life, my attitude, my actions and reactions, my decisions, my motives, my time, and the core of who I am and what makes me “me” is nearly impossible to grasp.


He cares so much about the tiniest details. I am one person among the billions of people on this world, among who knows how many people in all of history, on one planet, in one tiny dot on the timeline of eternity… yet He cares enough about me to speak to me many times a week through many different avenues. Its seriously impossible to wrap my mind around. Regardless, its true.

Within the last week, a few people have sincerely spoken kind, encouraging words to me. One told me that I am not a selfish, but a selfless person, and that I am emotionally and spiritually healthy. Another told me that I have a good head on my shoulders, that I am more level-headed and emotionally stable than most women, that I have a healthy outlook on relationships, and that I am a “treasure.” Finally, another told me that I have a very evident seal on my life, and that it is exciting to observe my life, because there are obviously great plans in store for me that God will do because I am seeking Him, looking to Him, and allowing Him to put His desires in me, rather than trying to make Him be on board with mine. This person told me that it is incredibly exciting for her to see me and to hear of my life’s course [complete with ALL the changes], because she knows that I will be involved in things greater than myself, by God’s enabling. A few friends have also told me within the last week or two that I am approachable, that they feel comfortable sharing their lives with me, that they know they can trust me completely, and that they appreciate my encouragement and prayers for them.


To be completely honest, all of these different affirmations have come at the PERFECT time. I am a comparer by nature. I’m also a minimizer, which was brought to my attention by a dear counselor/friend who I was talking to last week. I tend to minimize my problems because I consider other’s problems to be more important than mine. That might sound well and good to someone who just reads that as a simple statement, but what it means is that I tend to focus so much on other people’s needs that I overlook my own needs and the fact that God Himself wants to fill and satisfy them. That can either be false humility or an unhealthy, self-deprecating mentality that my life has no worth. I am not worthy in my own self, but Jesus and His identity give me worth. The two cannot be separated. I have nothing to offer if I am not first filled with the Holy Spirit and enabled by His power. He does the work; He fills in the gaps; He is preeminent. We are absolutely called to bear one another’s burdens, to support each other, to pray for each other, and to lift up each other’s hands when we feel that we can no longer go on. It is important to not only be cheerleaders for someone, sitting on the sidelines or jumping around aimlessly for the sake of morale, but to get next to someone, to fight on the frontlines with them, and to be a teammate. Its about having someone’s back, not just offering empty words of, “Oh, it’ll all work out!” or “I’m praying for you, brother.” If you say you’re praying, you sure as heck better be praying, or you’re using empty promises to bandage someone’s wounds. And that’s not going to hold up.



Anyyyyyway, goodness, talk about a tangent! I am infamous for those, after all…

Going back to what I was saying before, those encouraging words came at a perfect time. I am so thankful for the wonderful people who are in my life, and those whom God has used in seriously powerful ways to speak to me and to shape me. Sometimes I need to hear from people who are on the outside looking in, because while I am in the details of life I can become so overwhelmed that I feel like I am seeing everything with tunnel vision. I see only what is swirling all around me, I think far too much, I can’t turn my brain off, and I lay down to go to bed only to be faced with all of the thoughts that I thought I had fended off during the day. I tend to think of every possible scenario, every plan, every possibility, and try to see things from as many different perspectives as I can muster. What can I say, I’m a thinker! Needless to say, that becomes overwhelming pretty quickly, and while I try to think outside the box, there are only so many ideas I can come up with before I’m right back inside the box again, thinking, thinking, thinking.



It is a breath of fresh air for someone who is disassociated from ALL of that to come in and tell me exactly what they are observing from the outside. When I feel like I am failing and flailing and someone tells me, “You know, you really love Jesus, don’t you? I can see it.” it gives me such a boost, because sometimes I wonder if anyone can see it but me. Or when I feel like life is so out of my control and someone tells me that I am so poised and constant, I want to turn around and see who they’re talking to. The other day a Russian man came into the thrift store and told me, “You know, don’t take this wrong, but you are not like normal American. Normal American is rude, is cuss. She say bad things and does not act nice and is not kind. You are kind. You have warmth. You are smile& respectful. It is pretty.” Hahaha. Obviously I wrote that just as he said it. But seriously, I considered that to be such a high compliment. I’ve been out of the country. I know how people see Americans, particularly how Europeans view us. They think we are so egocentric, ethnocentric, and indifferent toward anyone but ourselves. I strongly dislike stereotypes, but I also think that stereotypes have to come from somewhere, right? Oftentimes stereotypes are quite accurate, but that doesn’t mean that you can just throw someone into a stereotype because they seem to fit the bill. People basically have to place themselves there.


However, despite all of the kind words people offer, and despite the fact that I appreciate them deeply and am thankful when friends whom I consider completely trustworthy are the ones saying them, it is not enough.

What am I living my life for? WHO am I living my life for? What motivates me? Whose affirmation am I seeking? What do I consider success to be? Am I content with living up to people’s standards—content enough to look at my life and think, “If so-and-so thinks I am doing a good job, I guess I can just continue on at this speed until I die and try to maintain this level.” ? Is that enough?



The answer is: ABSOLUTELY NOT.


Clearly, God speaks through His children. If He is speaking things to me through people whom I know love Him, fear Him, and know Him, I can trust that. If He is confirming words in my heart, mind, and spirit, I can be confident that He is speaking. But when a coach tells a player, “Hey, good job!” it isn’t because the coach believes the player has arrived and no longer has to try. No, the coach says it to encourage the athlete, and to tell them, “I believe in you. Now play harder, run faster, and step up your game. The game isn’t over, and I need you to keep your head in it. You can do it, so I’m keeping you in the game.”

In the same way, these words of affirmation aren’t God’s way of telling me, “Way to go, Natalie! Now, don’t worry about a thing, just keep doing exactly what you’re doing, keep running at this speed, and you’ll make it someday.” He’s not a God of mediocrity. He’s a God of greatness, of extraordinary ability. He does not want me to run at half-speed the rest of my life. He wants me to keep pressing on, pressing in. He wants to show me what I am capable of as long as He is my main focus, my main priority, and the Love of my life. I cannot place other things, people, ideas, and ambitions before Him, because that is idolatry—and I am called to love Him and desire Him with singleness of heart. There can be no competition.



So now I introspect, I retrospect, I prospect, and I reflect.

I look to the past, to past experiences and habits and outcomes and learn from them. I learn from the mistakes and remember the progress and how I got there.
I look at the present, to what I am in now, what I am going through, how God is speaking and confirming His word to me, and how He is making His voice heard and known.
I look to the future, to His promises and what He has told me He will do. I remember the eternal perspective and remind myself that this life matters, but it is not the end. I think of eternity and what Jesus has done to deliver that to me, and how He wants me to live, behave, and be—here, now—for His glory. I am to live in a way that most deeply reflects my love for Him, my respect of Him, and His great worth.
And I reflect on the Word of God. I look at the Bible to tell me how its been done, how its done, and how its meant to be done. So much of what we do and what we ought to do does not match up. As Steve said this morning, “Have you ever looked at the Word and looked at the way we do church and thought, “…What the HECK??”



Some people think I’m levelheaded and that I’m kind and that I’m joyful and I have a healthy perspective on life. That’s fine.

But am I like Jesus? And—if I am—am I content with just holding onto a little bit of His identity, or am I consistently becoming more and more and more like Him every day? What does a godly woman look like? According to God, what is a well-pleasing woman? What does it look like when she is a woman after His own heart? How does she act? Even more, what are her motives? How does she speak? When faced with difficulty or with unexpected situations, how does she react? Will I react with composure, because my life is hidden with Christ in God and I am confident in who He is and what He says? Or will I react with anger, fear, or by saying words that I do not mean?



I believe that in some ways I’m doing well, in others I’m doing okay, and in others I am far from where I should be. I know that in ALL areas of my life there is room to grow, room to learn, room to be changed and restored, and room to be challenged to be more like Jesus. I will not “arrive” while I am alive, but I endeavor to be always, continually, relentlessly pressing on, moving forward, and looking to Jesus. I am looking to Him to take me further up and farther in. I know that if I try to live life or to please Him by my best intentions, I will only ever fall short. But that is not the key to success… the key is to realize that Jesus Christ is my Supreme Treasure and I need nothing more than I need Him. To become completely flexible and moldable in His hands so He can move, change, remove, and add as He needs to. To fall more and more in love with Him every day, because LOVE is the greatest motivator. To learn more about Him, to learn to be like Him, to learn to please Him. To realize that He is everything and that everything else is nothing.


"Because we have the joy of the Lord and all we need in Christ, we can delight in more things. We can delight in things more fully when we need them less.
It’s the same in relationships. When you find your identity and security and love in Christ, you can enjoy and love people more and need them less…. And that’s full on freedom."
--Britt Merrick


What God considers to be precious and incorruptibly beautiful is a gentle and quiet spirit.
The word for quiet implies the idea of being settled. Steadfastness. Immovability.
I want to be steadfast for Jesus. For my gaze to be on Him and to be unbroken, and the same for my affection and attention toward Him.

I have a feeling that a lot of things will be changing in my life… again. Haha, go figure.

I have a lot of plans, a lot of hopes, a lot of ideas. I think many of them will happen, but I don’t know the timing in which they will happen, or the order. I seriously want to move. Maybe to Colorado. A visit to Colorado in January might better help me decide. :)

I want to study nutrition, to possibly go to culinary school, and to most likely get involved in some kind of non-profit organization, whether national, international, or local. I have talents and strengths and deep interests that God has given to me and that He has recently made me aware of.

As I was telling my counselor-friend the other day, “The way I see it is, if God is making me aware of my strengths and talents, its because He is preparing me to use them, and quickly. For years, when people asked me what my gifts were, what my talents were, and what strengths I had, I often replied, “I don’t know.” And I didn’t. I didn’t think I had any talents, and there weren’t any obvious strengths that I was aware of. Later on in life, [I realize now] I felt that if I acknowledged my strengths, I was being arrogant. I had an incorrect view of them, not realizing then that any strength, any good thing in me HAS been given to me by God—but it has been given, and for a very specific reason. And now I am in the place where I am aware of those things, and am becoming more aware of them and how they can be used, how they fit into my understanding of my future and what God’s plans are for me. So, if He is making me increasingly aware of them and is allowing me to practice and exercise them consistently in everyday life, its because He is honing those skills… and He doesn’t do anything without purpose.”

So… I’m doing a lot of thinking, praying, and considering. There are SO MANY thoughts, ideas, and hopes that I have that I always thought contradicted each other. I thought, “If I do one, I clearly can’t do the others.” But I think I can. I obviously can’t do them all at once, and I need to pace myself and keep looking to God’s timeline and His timing. But I think moving to Colorado, continuing studying nutrition, the possibility of culinary school or at least culinary college classes, event planning, non-profit organizations, and a job in which I can use my strong organizational/secretarial/assistant skills while also being able to use my personality/love& interest for people/energy, and young women’s ministry/discipleship are all things that can very possibly happen… I just don’t know the chronology in which they will occur.
Until then, I will keep walking forward. I don’t know what the pace will be, but I know my heart will be fervent and I am asking Jesus to continue to keep my heart in His hands, because I know that as long as I am all His, even when there are dry spells, difficulties, and times where I’m living by obedience and submission and not necessarily feeling, He WILL fill in the rest, and He will revive my heart. I want to be more like Him. I want to fall more in love with Him. I want Him to experience the love I have for Him, not always just me experiencing His love, because I want to appreciate Him not only in word, but in action. And I want to become a woman who pleases Him, who is gentle and quiet, who speaks with wisdom and kindness, and who reflects Him. I am confident that God is doing this in and through my life already, but I’m not satisfied with staying where I am now. It isn’t enough. I want more— so much more.


God, You are able. Please help me.