Basically... After much thought& consideration.... I just want to be more like Jesus.
Every person I talk to, every struggle I have, every flaw I realize just bring me to the same conclusion:
Jesus is the answer. Love is the answer. Forgiveness, kindness, gentleness, meekness, patience, compassion, interest, time... All of those things stem from love.
And Jesus is the epitome& definition of love.
So I just need more of Jesus. To know Him more. To love Him more. To enjoy Him, to recognize Him, to appreciate Him, to hang out with Him& share my life& my time with Him. The more I know Him, the more I love Him. The more I love Him, the more I admire, respect, & deeply appreciate Him. And the more those things happen, the more He fills every crack& crevice of my life.
That's where His healing comes in. That's where love covers a multitude of sins.
That's where I can learn to forget my hurt feelings, or feelings of being unappreciated or unnoticed.
That's where Jesus' love& acceptance& affirmation& acceptance are enough... Right in the middle of who He is; His character.
Lately I have been reminded of the PERFECT love of Jesus. How His love hasn't simply covered my sin, but His love sent Him to the cross to die for my sins. Because of love, His blood washed them away, so He could redeem me, know me, have a relationship with me, and provide a way for me to have a relationship with God.
Jesus doesn't look at my past. He doesn't look at who I was. He doesn't look at what I've done.
Although I can hold things over my head, although sometimes I have the worst time forgiving myself, every time I seek Him, repent, & ask for His forgiveness, He gives it willingly and generously.
My brain can't comprehend that. My emotions can't support it. I believe it, I KNOW it, I accept it, I appreciate it. But I can't express it. I can't think about it without my heart jumping into my throat& bringing tears to my eyes.
Those who are forgiven much love much. I have been forgiven much. That's the only way I can explain how I love Jesus. I love Him because of who He is, because of whom He is to me, because of what He's done, and because of the place He has taken in my life. I love Him because He is God, He is worthy, He is love, He is beautiful... but, most of all, I love Him because He loved me first.
If I think about it too much, I can think it's sad that I couldn't just love Him first but, if I did, it wouldn't be a gift then, would it? He loves ME first. I respond to that. He is the initiator; I am the responder. He has reached out to me, He has drawn me to Himself, He has given me every possible bit of strength& grace I need in life, because He is enough. He is my sufficiency, my help, my everything... It's just up to me to allow Him to be everything He has promised to be. It's up to me to get out of the way& let Him be God.
My Epic has a song called childbodybride.
It's basically my absolute favorite song right now, and feel as though it's the story of my life.
When they laid my King to rest, it was my shame He wore to bed.
And it’s the only part of Him the Father did not resurrect.
Now, in my Father’s land there are no lesser men. Nobody barely wins or only just gets in.
'Cause Jesus never fell in love. With open eyes, He walked directly to the cross.
He knew exactly what I cost and He still went.
Like a body--close, connected, & known--so You’ve called us & so we are.
Like a child--nurtured, protected, adored--somehow You name us & so we are.
Like a bride--cherished, adorned & waited for--so intimate, with every title that Your love affords.
My God, You never fell in love. With open eyes, You chose to die upon the cross.
You knew exactly what I cost. I was worthless but You made me worth it.
I was a slave content to beg beneath Your table but You took me in & made me a son.
When I finally arrive & my prodigal eyes behold Jesus who once wore my shame, adorned in majesty on His throne, I will stand & belong wearing His righteousness as my clothes.
Wow. I mean... WOW.
I'm speechless. All I have are tears, and "ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYOU...." over& over again.
To know that I am accepted by the only Man worthy to restore all of mankind.
To know that, no matter what people say about me& what people's opinions are of me, the only words& opinions that matter come from the Man who loves me most.
To know that His love for me does not change, decrease, or grow based on my performance.
To know that life is not about me, but about HIM, and His love, purpose, & gospel getting out, so others can know the depths of His love& the beauty of His forgiveness and presence.
I wish I were more eloquent than I am.
I wish I could put into words how this makes me feel, and the kind of healing it brings into every area of my life.
I wish I could express how deeply this impacts my life, heart, mind, & spirit.
But I can't. Jesus is just inexpressible.
My words fall so short, but they're all I have.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The Simple Life. Or... Getting There.
"What matters is not your outer appearance-- the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, or the cut of your clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within-- the unfading beauty of a gentle& quiet spirit, which is so precious to God."
Teach me to be a person of deep integrity, who never changes depending on who I'm with or who's watching. I want to be me-- as real as I get-- with my family, friends, church family, acquaintances, strangers, etc.
I'm a sharer. I'm a communicator. You've created me with a need and drive to share and communicate with others.
To share LOVE.
To share truth& joy& hope: JESUS.
And I want what I share to come from the depths of my heart, so I can share the depths of who You are, as much as humanly possible.
I want what I share and express to come from a gentle and quiet spirit.
Whether I'm speaking of great things, frustrations, opinions, joyful situations, humor, sadness, hope--- I want what I say to be with a gentle& quiet spirit, because that is what's precious to You.
Well then. It's been awhile since I've really sat down& written a blog.
I must say, things are going more smoothly than they were just 3-4 months ago. If you read back to my last 3-4 blogs, it's quite obvious that my first few months here were absolutely the most challenging months of my life... And I've been through some rough times. Haha.
However, life is easing up. God is with me, has always been with me, and has never let go of me. He held me by the hand and led me through the ups& downs, the highs & lows, the bright days& the dark weeks. He never once told me, "Okay, kiddo, you've got to start figuring this out on your own, so stop following me around& let me get back to work. Grow up."
He held tightly to me, like a lifeguard saving a drowning person, He rescued me. He pointed me in the right direction, and pulled me back to the surface. For awhile, I felt like I was drowning. I was stressed, I was anxious, I was overwhelmed, I was exhausted, I was overworked, and I was lonely.
Truth be told, I'm still lonely.
Sometimes, not always.
I was just thinking today, "Goodness... I MISS GOOD CONVERSATION."
People to talk to. People to listen to. People to share my life with. People who want to tell me their story, and whom I can get to know better, and simply be friends with. I used to have such fantastic conversations with a wide range of people.
I still do, when I see them. I miss talking to people about LIFE --as it pertains to Jesus.
What He's doing in our hearts, lives, families, communities, minds, spheres of influence.
I miss going to church with people, and then talking about what we just learned--- and, as we talk through it, processing how God wants us to put our understanding of His word into real ACTION.
To love out loud, and to live our lives in a way which displays the heart& purpose of Jesus Christ, so much so that He cannot be denied.
I miss people. I miss friends. I miss being around others who are similar in age.
However, aside from that, I'm doing incredibly better than I was the first 1-2 months of living here. The first couple months were hell. Seriously... horrible. More horrible than I'd imagined they could be, in nearly every aspect. What was worse is that I was blindsided by a lot of things. I knew it would be difficult, but I had NO IDEA what I was up against.
Through that, I realized God knows best. He'll only give us what we can handle, and He will only tell us the details we need to know--- because if He'd told me from the beginning what I'd be up against, I never would have come. I would have stayed in Yucca and said, "Heckkkkkkkk no am I going out there. You can find someone else, because I quit." But, nope. He told me only what I needed to know, when I needed to know it. And although it felt as though my environment was caving in around me for a period of time, I knew He still had His hand on me, and on my world.
It's the most bizarre, the most liberating, and the most comforting feeling in the world to face your enemy and say, "You. Cannot. Win." I did that, several times. Probably pissed the devil off to no end. I think repeating it helped me to believe it more. When I felt like I was going to buckle under the spiritual oppression, emotional brokenness, mental battles, physical exhaustion, and waves of depression [not my own, but of those around me], God would just step in and say, "Nat... Hand it over. I've got this. You don't have to hold your world up anymore. Let it fall. Let it crash. Let it break. That's the only way I can rebuild and repair what's going on here."
So... I did. I let go. Grudgingly, in some aspects. Freely, in others. Incompletely in a few.
But God upheld His end of the bargain. He always does. He makes promises, and He never, EVER breaks them.
There were A LOT of tears. A whole bunch of 'em. One day in particular, I completely broke down and sobbed on my dad's shoulder for a good 15 minutes. Anyone who knows me well knows a few fun facts about my crying habits:
1) It rarely happens.
2) It almost never happens in public.
3) It never lasts long... 15 minutes is like an eternity for me.
That said, I sobbed. Profusely. Like, left a puddle on my poor daddy's shoulder. He cried, too. Partially because he has learned to live out the Biblical command of "rejoice with those who rejoice& weep with those who weep", and partially because it was the first time I'd done that since I was a little girl, and it broke his heart to see me like that.
Truthfully, that was one of the best things that could have happened. It was a HUGE turning point for me. I realized the situations I had unwittingly, but willingly moved into weren't going to change overnight. I also realized that my dad's love [the man who loves me SO much --& is willing to cry with me] is only the tiniest fraction compared to how much God loves me and sees me as HIS little girl. If I have a man as incredible as my dad-- someone who is on my side, in my corner, and willing to give all the strength he has to make sure I'm safe, protected, loved, and cared for-- taking care of me, then how much more will God my Father take care of me?
Whether you have a dad or not, whether you have a mom or not, or whether you have them both but they are not the parents you would expect or wish them to be, know this: God is that perfect Dad, no matter what, to whomever wants Him to be. Whether you want Him to or not, He's your Creator, He loves you, He has given His own Son to die for you& give you life... but, not only that-- He didn't just dump you onto His Son and say, "Alright, they're your problem now."
NO. He loves YOU. He has chosen YOU. He delights in YOU and wants you to give your life to Him so He can share His life with you. This isn't some creepy, feel-good, spiritual mumbo jumbo. It's 100% truth, and I can say plain as day: God loves you, and has given you gifts& talents& specific strengths, and has a purpose for your individual life... Something that is fun& exciting& enjoyable& so much fun.
During all the ups& downs [and, to be perfectly honest, they've mostly been "lows"... That's life sometimes], what got me through was just sitting down, reading the Bible, and talking to God. Not just talking, but listening. Hearing. Intending to hear.
Telling Him, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? How am I supposed to react?"
And He either tells me why, or He will tell me, "The details aren't important yet, but I can tell you that you're doing in the right direction, so keep on going."
I have learned a lot about love& patience, and how I severely lack both.
I am a loving person... I am a patient person... in some respects. I know that.
When faced with a lot of situations, I can keep my mouth shut, walk away, cool down, forgive, and jump right back into it, without ever flying off the handle.
Living here has shown me how impatient I really am. How frustrated I can get so quickly and, even if I'm not showing it outwardly to whomever/whatever just pissed me off, the proof is in my mind/heart.
If I want to scream& yell and let it out but I don't, well: Yay, Natalie, pat on the back... But that anger& frustration inside still needs to be dealt with. I've done a LOT of "getting to the root of the problem" studies on myself.
Sometimes I become angry because I feel that I am completely disregarded or treated as important. I can become frustrated because someone expects me to miss my meal to give someone their's.
Yeah, it's frustrating.
It sucks sometimes, especially when I'm super hungry. But why do I think I need to eat first? Why don't I say, "Okay, I've waited this long... What's another 30 minutes?" Why don't I realize that I have so much more than the vast majority of the world, and when I'm hungry-- even if I have to wait--- I still have a fridge to get food from& a stove to cook it on?
Selfishness. Entitlement. Self-seeking ideals.
See what I mean?
A LOT of heart-checking going on right now. Which requires a LOT of time spent at the feet of Jesus... even more time is needed, no doubt. But I can truly say that He is the only one who has gotten me through these last several months. And He is the only one who will get me through the rest of His life.
Luckily, I also have the support& incessant prayers of the most wonderful family that I could ever dream to have. My parents have been there for me, have come to be here with me, have stayed the night an extra night or two when I ask them to [because they know if I'm asking them to stay, I must really need them around]. I cannot even tell you how many times I've called my mom-- either sobbing or angry or frustrated or sad or confused over the whole situation-- and she's "talked me off the ledge". She's listened to me, counseled me, given me great advice, let me vent for hours, encouraged me from the Bible, and has never hung up the phone without praying for me.
Sometimes she gets into Mama Bear mode, which just makes me feel like everything's going to be alright& know that I am going to be defended, no matter what... and I'm 25 years old! I'm not just a little girl anymore, I am a woman-- and a woman who still needs her parents.
My sister& brother in law are perpetually supportive, and my friends are lifesavers as well.
Still--- with ALL the thankfulness in the world for all the absolutely wonderful people in my life, whom I'm astounded to be friends with, to be related to, and to be loved by--- it's God who is my only hope. He is the anchor to my soul, He is my true defense, He is my answer, He is my Dad, He is my shield, He is my joy. He gives all the good I have. He doesn't give bad things, but He allows them, only for the purpose of strengthening me& refining me& making me more like Jesus, so that one day when I see Him face-to-face, I will by the grace of God bear His image.
And... I can honestly say that it's worth it.
The highs& lows.
The tears.
The frustrations.
The necessary but often frustrating realization that I am NOT the only one who matters, the center of the universe, & life is not about what I want...
They're all worth it when Jesus is in the center.
Because if He's in the center, it means He is the focus, and that's where He always needs to be.
If He's in the center, it means we can't be in the center, & that proves that in we're in the right place... Behind Him or at His side.
"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done.
Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ & become one with Him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law--- rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ, because God's way of making us right with Himself depends on faith."
[Philippians 3:7-9] NLT
Teach me to be a person of deep integrity, who never changes depending on who I'm with or who's watching. I want to be me-- as real as I get-- with my family, friends, church family, acquaintances, strangers, etc.
I'm a sharer. I'm a communicator. You've created me with a need and drive to share and communicate with others.
To share LOVE.
To share truth& joy& hope: JESUS.
And I want what I share to come from the depths of my heart, so I can share the depths of who You are, as much as humanly possible.
I want what I share and express to come from a gentle and quiet spirit.
Whether I'm speaking of great things, frustrations, opinions, joyful situations, humor, sadness, hope--- I want what I say to be with a gentle& quiet spirit, because that is what's precious to You.
Well then. It's been awhile since I've really sat down& written a blog.
I must say, things are going more smoothly than they were just 3-4 months ago. If you read back to my last 3-4 blogs, it's quite obvious that my first few months here were absolutely the most challenging months of my life... And I've been through some rough times. Haha.
However, life is easing up. God is with me, has always been with me, and has never let go of me. He held me by the hand and led me through the ups& downs, the highs & lows, the bright days& the dark weeks. He never once told me, "Okay, kiddo, you've got to start figuring this out on your own, so stop following me around& let me get back to work. Grow up."
He held tightly to me, like a lifeguard saving a drowning person, He rescued me. He pointed me in the right direction, and pulled me back to the surface. For awhile, I felt like I was drowning. I was stressed, I was anxious, I was overwhelmed, I was exhausted, I was overworked, and I was lonely.
Truth be told, I'm still lonely.
Sometimes, not always.
I was just thinking today, "Goodness... I MISS GOOD CONVERSATION."
People to talk to. People to listen to. People to share my life with. People who want to tell me their story, and whom I can get to know better, and simply be friends with. I used to have such fantastic conversations with a wide range of people.
I still do, when I see them. I miss talking to people about LIFE --as it pertains to Jesus.
What He's doing in our hearts, lives, families, communities, minds, spheres of influence.
I miss going to church with people, and then talking about what we just learned--- and, as we talk through it, processing how God wants us to put our understanding of His word into real ACTION.
To love out loud, and to live our lives in a way which displays the heart& purpose of Jesus Christ, so much so that He cannot be denied.
I miss people. I miss friends. I miss being around others who are similar in age.
However, aside from that, I'm doing incredibly better than I was the first 1-2 months of living here. The first couple months were hell. Seriously... horrible. More horrible than I'd imagined they could be, in nearly every aspect. What was worse is that I was blindsided by a lot of things. I knew it would be difficult, but I had NO IDEA what I was up against.
Through that, I realized God knows best. He'll only give us what we can handle, and He will only tell us the details we need to know--- because if He'd told me from the beginning what I'd be up against, I never would have come. I would have stayed in Yucca and said, "Heckkkkkkkk no am I going out there. You can find someone else, because I quit." But, nope. He told me only what I needed to know, when I needed to know it. And although it felt as though my environment was caving in around me for a period of time, I knew He still had His hand on me, and on my world.
It's the most bizarre, the most liberating, and the most comforting feeling in the world to face your enemy and say, "You. Cannot. Win." I did that, several times. Probably pissed the devil off to no end. I think repeating it helped me to believe it more. When I felt like I was going to buckle under the spiritual oppression, emotional brokenness, mental battles, physical exhaustion, and waves of depression [not my own, but of those around me], God would just step in and say, "Nat... Hand it over. I've got this. You don't have to hold your world up anymore. Let it fall. Let it crash. Let it break. That's the only way I can rebuild and repair what's going on here."
So... I did. I let go. Grudgingly, in some aspects. Freely, in others. Incompletely in a few.
But God upheld His end of the bargain. He always does. He makes promises, and He never, EVER breaks them.
There were A LOT of tears. A whole bunch of 'em. One day in particular, I completely broke down and sobbed on my dad's shoulder for a good 15 minutes. Anyone who knows me well knows a few fun facts about my crying habits:
1) It rarely happens.
2) It almost never happens in public.
3) It never lasts long... 15 minutes is like an eternity for me.
That said, I sobbed. Profusely. Like, left a puddle on my poor daddy's shoulder. He cried, too. Partially because he has learned to live out the Biblical command of "rejoice with those who rejoice& weep with those who weep", and partially because it was the first time I'd done that since I was a little girl, and it broke his heart to see me like that.
Truthfully, that was one of the best things that could have happened. It was a HUGE turning point for me. I realized the situations I had unwittingly, but willingly moved into weren't going to change overnight. I also realized that my dad's love [the man who loves me SO much --& is willing to cry with me] is only the tiniest fraction compared to how much God loves me and sees me as HIS little girl. If I have a man as incredible as my dad-- someone who is on my side, in my corner, and willing to give all the strength he has to make sure I'm safe, protected, loved, and cared for-- taking care of me, then how much more will God my Father take care of me?
Whether you have a dad or not, whether you have a mom or not, or whether you have them both but they are not the parents you would expect or wish them to be, know this: God is that perfect Dad, no matter what, to whomever wants Him to be. Whether you want Him to or not, He's your Creator, He loves you, He has given His own Son to die for you& give you life... but, not only that-- He didn't just dump you onto His Son and say, "Alright, they're your problem now."
NO. He loves YOU. He has chosen YOU. He delights in YOU and wants you to give your life to Him so He can share His life with you. This isn't some creepy, feel-good, spiritual mumbo jumbo. It's 100% truth, and I can say plain as day: God loves you, and has given you gifts& talents& specific strengths, and has a purpose for your individual life... Something that is fun& exciting& enjoyable& so much fun.
During all the ups& downs [and, to be perfectly honest, they've mostly been "lows"... That's life sometimes], what got me through was just sitting down, reading the Bible, and talking to God. Not just talking, but listening. Hearing. Intending to hear.
Telling Him, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING HERE? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to act? How am I supposed to react?"
And He either tells me why, or He will tell me, "The details aren't important yet, but I can tell you that you're doing in the right direction, so keep on going."
I have learned a lot about love& patience, and how I severely lack both.
I am a loving person... I am a patient person... in some respects. I know that.
When faced with a lot of situations, I can keep my mouth shut, walk away, cool down, forgive, and jump right back into it, without ever flying off the handle.
Living here has shown me how impatient I really am. How frustrated I can get so quickly and, even if I'm not showing it outwardly to whomever/whatever just pissed me off, the proof is in my mind/heart.
If I want to scream& yell and let it out but I don't, well: Yay, Natalie, pat on the back... But that anger& frustration inside still needs to be dealt with. I've done a LOT of "getting to the root of the problem" studies on myself.
Sometimes I become angry because I feel that I am completely disregarded or treated as important. I can become frustrated because someone expects me to miss my meal to give someone their's.
Yeah, it's frustrating.
It sucks sometimes, especially when I'm super hungry. But why do I think I need to eat first? Why don't I say, "Okay, I've waited this long... What's another 30 minutes?" Why don't I realize that I have so much more than the vast majority of the world, and when I'm hungry-- even if I have to wait--- I still have a fridge to get food from& a stove to cook it on?
Selfishness. Entitlement. Self-seeking ideals.
See what I mean?
A LOT of heart-checking going on right now. Which requires a LOT of time spent at the feet of Jesus... even more time is needed, no doubt. But I can truly say that He is the only one who has gotten me through these last several months. And He is the only one who will get me through the rest of His life.
Luckily, I also have the support& incessant prayers of the most wonderful family that I could ever dream to have. My parents have been there for me, have come to be here with me, have stayed the night an extra night or two when I ask them to [because they know if I'm asking them to stay, I must really need them around]. I cannot even tell you how many times I've called my mom-- either sobbing or angry or frustrated or sad or confused over the whole situation-- and she's "talked me off the ledge". She's listened to me, counseled me, given me great advice, let me vent for hours, encouraged me from the Bible, and has never hung up the phone without praying for me.
Sometimes she gets into Mama Bear mode, which just makes me feel like everything's going to be alright& know that I am going to be defended, no matter what... and I'm 25 years old! I'm not just a little girl anymore, I am a woman-- and a woman who still needs her parents.
My sister& brother in law are perpetually supportive, and my friends are lifesavers as well.
Still--- with ALL the thankfulness in the world for all the absolutely wonderful people in my life, whom I'm astounded to be friends with, to be related to, and to be loved by--- it's God who is my only hope. He is the anchor to my soul, He is my true defense, He is my answer, He is my Dad, He is my shield, He is my joy. He gives all the good I have. He doesn't give bad things, but He allows them, only for the purpose of strengthening me& refining me& making me more like Jesus, so that one day when I see Him face-to-face, I will by the grace of God bear His image.
And... I can honestly say that it's worth it.
The highs& lows.
The tears.
The frustrations.
The necessary but often frustrating realization that I am NOT the only one who matters, the center of the universe, & life is not about what I want...
They're all worth it when Jesus is in the center.
Because if He's in the center, it means He is the focus, and that's where He always needs to be.
If He's in the center, it means we can't be in the center, & that proves that in we're in the right place... Behind Him or at His side.
"I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done.
Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
For His sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ & become one with Him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law--- rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ, because God's way of making us right with Himself depends on faith."
[Philippians 3:7-9] NLT
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Unappreciated.
Ugh. Today sucks.
Excuse me while I share my feelings for a bit. Usually I come in here with all the perspective I can muster, trying to see the good in every situation, trying to see how God is at work, trying to see how this situation can be used to make me more like Jesus. Only God can give me the right perspective& put that in my heart. It can't be manufactured.
I trust Him, and expect Him to change my heart& mind& attitude& continually be the source of my contentment.
But right now I'm hurt. Right now I'm upset. And right now I just need to express it. I'm allowed to have a bad day, and I'm allowed to be disappointed over it. I don't WANT to stay in a "woe is me" pity party, because that's just not me, and I hate that, but still... No one can undermine what hurts me deeply by trying to compare it with something else. There will ALWAYS be someone worse off than you. There will always be someone hurting more than you; in greater need than you. But a counselor also told me once, "STOP trying to pull yourself out of feeling/hurting/grieving because you're trying to compare your hurt with others'. Your hurts matter, too. They affect you, too."
So, here's my story.
If you like "happy, cheerful Natalie", close this page right now. I'm serious. Close it.
If not, read on:
I'm upset, and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm sick of being unappreciated. I'm sick of 80% of what I do being overlooked. I'm sick of my [extended] family thinking I don't do enough, when I'm doing so many things for them that they never see, because I don't constantly tell them "Oh, look at this list of 12 things I did for you without you even having to ask." I'm sick of being required to always give of my time, but on the nights when I want to go out with a friend, or a weekend that I want to go home& see my family, the guilt trips come.
I'm sick of feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I'm sick of having practically NO friends here, or no time to spend with the friends I DO have here. I'm sick of being with the same people 80% of the day, and being completely alone for the other 20%.
I'm sick of not having time to pursue the things I really like/want to do, like volunteering, or being with people, or getting involved in church, or making& deepening friendships, or being involved as a leader for a youth group, or being involved in the community.
I miss my family and, although I NEVER thought I'd say this before, I want to go back to Yucca.
I want to be with my family and spend time with my friends before I move to Colorado.
If all I'm doing here is going noticed& unappreciated, why stay here? To try to convince them otherwise? To try to prove them wrong? No. What's the point of that? I can move, be home for awhile, get a job& work until May, when I move, and still call my grandparents& come visit every so often to check on them.
At this moment, that's what I want.
After I pray about it and weigh every possible option, and pray about it again, and make my list of pros& cons, and pray some more, we'll see what actually happens.
But don't be surprised if you see me again soon, Yucca Valley.
Excuse me while I share my feelings for a bit. Usually I come in here with all the perspective I can muster, trying to see the good in every situation, trying to see how God is at work, trying to see how this situation can be used to make me more like Jesus. Only God can give me the right perspective& put that in my heart. It can't be manufactured.
I trust Him, and expect Him to change my heart& mind& attitude& continually be the source of my contentment.
But right now I'm hurt. Right now I'm upset. And right now I just need to express it. I'm allowed to have a bad day, and I'm allowed to be disappointed over it. I don't WANT to stay in a "woe is me" pity party, because that's just not me, and I hate that, but still... No one can undermine what hurts me deeply by trying to compare it with something else. There will ALWAYS be someone worse off than you. There will always be someone hurting more than you; in greater need than you. But a counselor also told me once, "STOP trying to pull yourself out of feeling/hurting/grieving because you're trying to compare your hurt with others'. Your hurts matter, too. They affect you, too."
So, here's my story.
If you like "happy, cheerful Natalie", close this page right now. I'm serious. Close it.
If not, read on:
I'm upset, and I feel like I'm at the end of my rope. I'm sick of being unappreciated. I'm sick of 80% of what I do being overlooked. I'm sick of my [extended] family thinking I don't do enough, when I'm doing so many things for them that they never see, because I don't constantly tell them "Oh, look at this list of 12 things I did for you without you even having to ask." I'm sick of being required to always give of my time, but on the nights when I want to go out with a friend, or a weekend that I want to go home& see my family, the guilt trips come.
I'm sick of feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I'm sick of having practically NO friends here, or no time to spend with the friends I DO have here. I'm sick of being with the same people 80% of the day, and being completely alone for the other 20%.
I'm sick of not having time to pursue the things I really like/want to do, like volunteering, or being with people, or getting involved in church, or making& deepening friendships, or being involved as a leader for a youth group, or being involved in the community.
I miss my family and, although I NEVER thought I'd say this before, I want to go back to Yucca.
I want to be with my family and spend time with my friends before I move to Colorado.
If all I'm doing here is going noticed& unappreciated, why stay here? To try to convince them otherwise? To try to prove them wrong? No. What's the point of that? I can move, be home for awhile, get a job& work until May, when I move, and still call my grandparents& come visit every so often to check on them.
At this moment, that's what I want.
After I pray about it and weigh every possible option, and pray about it again, and make my list of pros& cons, and pray some more, we'll see what actually happens.
But don't be surprised if you see me again soon, Yucca Valley.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
excerpt.
One of the attributes of God is the love, tenderness, & concern of a mother.
That's HUGE. That's saying something about mothers and their roles.
[And about the roles of pseudo-mothers, like me. ]
This phase in my life, challenging as it may be, is rather simple.
Yet, in the simple times, the extraordinary is found... and only wise men are able to understand that.
I've missed that point. Drastically. Often. Embarrassingly.
I am striving, seeking, searching, aiming to live an extraordinary life.
A life extraordinarily given to Jesus. Led by the Holy Spirit. Completely surrendered to God's plans, His heart, His purposes, & His glory.
I want my life to be SO hidden with Christ in God that I become transparent and He alone is clearly seen. I want the most vivid thing about my life, my words, my actions, my motives, and my habits to be that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, He is Love, & He is on the throne.
I want people to see God for who HE is: Creator. Artist. Musician. Lover. Giver. Father.Sacrificer. I want people to realize God is not an ogre, nor is He a fire-breathing dragon, waiting anxiously for people to screw up so He can burn us up or strike us with lightning.
He doesn't sit on some high cloud, aiming to kill.
On the contrary, He waits. He watches. He intervenes.
He sees when we fall, and He picks us up every single time... Only with Him are we able to fall down 7 times and get up 8... because He is picking us up, bandaging our wounds, and teaching us how to walk.
HE IS LOVE, the fullness of love, the epitome of love, the Creator of love, the origin of love.
Loving others& living for others is challenging. My selfish me doesn't like doing it. My Christian me doesn't like doing it 50% of the time. Flesh vs. spirit, you know?
It's a real battle. It's hard. It's hell.
But I have a Savior, an Anchor, a Hope, a JESUS who fights FOR me and who stands on the front lines WITH me, enabling me to fight the good fight of faith, to move forward, to press on toward the goal-- He is the goal.
He is worth every minute of this new phase of dying to myself. He is refining me& perfecting me; searing off the parts that are killing me or weakening me.
I hope& pray& expect that He will come through, and that He will help me let go of SO MUCH of the selfishness, impatience, pride, and individualism that remains.
By His grace, may I be a softer person, a gentler person, a meek woman-- having great strength, but tempered by kindness, compassion, and patience, as only Jesus can enable.
That's HUGE. That's saying something about mothers and their roles.
[And about the roles of pseudo-mothers, like me. ]
This phase in my life, challenging as it may be, is rather simple.
Yet, in the simple times, the extraordinary is found... and only wise men are able to understand that.
I've missed that point. Drastically. Often. Embarrassingly.
I am striving, seeking, searching, aiming to live an extraordinary life.
A life extraordinarily given to Jesus. Led by the Holy Spirit. Completely surrendered to God's plans, His heart, His purposes, & His glory.
I want my life to be SO hidden with Christ in God that I become transparent and He alone is clearly seen. I want the most vivid thing about my life, my words, my actions, my motives, and my habits to be that Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, He is Love, & He is on the throne.
I want people to see God for who HE is: Creator. Artist. Musician. Lover. Giver. Father.Sacrificer. I want people to realize God is not an ogre, nor is He a fire-breathing dragon, waiting anxiously for people to screw up so He can burn us up or strike us with lightning.
He doesn't sit on some high cloud, aiming to kill.
On the contrary, He waits. He watches. He intervenes.
He sees when we fall, and He picks us up every single time... Only with Him are we able to fall down 7 times and get up 8... because He is picking us up, bandaging our wounds, and teaching us how to walk.
HE IS LOVE, the fullness of love, the epitome of love, the Creator of love, the origin of love.
Loving others& living for others is challenging. My selfish me doesn't like doing it. My Christian me doesn't like doing it 50% of the time. Flesh vs. spirit, you know?
It's a real battle. It's hard. It's hell.
But I have a Savior, an Anchor, a Hope, a JESUS who fights FOR me and who stands on the front lines WITH me, enabling me to fight the good fight of faith, to move forward, to press on toward the goal-- He is the goal.
He is worth every minute of this new phase of dying to myself. He is refining me& perfecting me; searing off the parts that are killing me or weakening me.
I hope& pray& expect that He will come through, and that He will help me let go of SO MUCH of the selfishness, impatience, pride, and individualism that remains.
By His grace, may I be a softer person, a gentler person, a meek woman-- having great strength, but tempered by kindness, compassion, and patience, as only Jesus can enable.
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