I have recently been faced with the realization that I can be a very selfish person. I don’t know that I would say, “I am a selfish person.” I believe statements like that limit God and cause me to put my mistakes over the character of Jesus Christ and who He is in me and what He has done in my life.
But I do not for a second believe that, just because I love Jesus& live for Him, I don’t screw up& still have habits and mentalities and traits that are not from Him but are instead my own human nature. I am not perfect. I am not above being challenged or corrected. I can be selfish. I can be opinionated. I can think I’m right and you’re wrong, when instead I should be realizing I am wrong& being unforgiving or harsh or apathetic.
Someone once told me that, as someone who follows Christ, to say, “I am a sinner/ I am wicked/ I am nothing” is to be underestimating and even not believing Jesus’ perfection, His character& presence in me, and the power& purification of His forgiveness and identity in me. His blood was shed to cover me& make me beautiful and acceptable in God’s eyes. His death& resurrection & covering ARE enough.
But I know there is also a flip side, where the Holy Spirit can be “grieved” or stifled because we’re trading His character for our own agendas.
And, the truth is, I can be incredibly selfish and self-focused at times.
My grandpa is in the beginning stages of dementia. It’s hard to believe. I will always picture him as my fun-loving, crazy, talkative grandpa— the one who used to take us to Disneyland, just because. The one who knew the Haunted Mansion scared me, so he’d scream & shriek like a little girl, just to distract me and make me laugh. The one who spoiled us way too much by buying us candy& cereal& cookies& ice cream each time we’d come to visit. The one who went to Mammoth with us& combed my hair after I took a bath, then tucked me in.
But things are different now. We went to LA today for my dad’s birthday. We had a great time, but were supposed to leave by 5. By the time 6:45 rolled around, I was becoming impatient. By 7:30, we were finally walking out the door& I realized any evening plans were shot.
But then I got in the car. And I started thinking. And I started praying. And as I looked at my mom in the side door mirror, I realized: I am SO selfish sometimes.
Her eyes reflected such sadness. Worry. Disappointment. And— dare I say— fear. Here I am, worrying about getting home by a certain time, and my mom is worried& saddened by the condition of her daddy. Saddened, knowing he is in pain. Worried, knowing my grandma is exhausted and, should my grandpa need help, it’s up to my tiny, exhausted grandma to be woken up repeatedly all night to tend to him. Disappointed, knowing dementia is only expected to worsen as time continues and age increases.
I can’t imagine what it would be like seeing my dad— my strong, able-bodied, self-sufficient, protective, leader of a dad— slipping away from reality. To see him needing as much care& attention as a child. To wonder who will take care of him, and hoping my parents will be okay while I’m gone& getting back to my own life.
So I want to be there for her. I want to listen to her. To just sit and listen while she shares her thoughts& ideas& worries with me. To pray for her and with her. To lift my grandparents in prayer& to leave them in the loving, protective, healing hands of Jesus. To help brainstorm what to do next. And to be available for my grandparents as much as possible. I am so honored that my grandma enjoys sharing her heart& life with me. She talks to me& tells me what’s going on, and asks me to pray for her. I always want to be a source of helpfulness to my grandparents. They helped raise my sister& me. We never had babysitters or daycares, because they were it. They helped put me through school, and college, and helped send me to Spain. Simply because they love me& I have an active relationship with them. Now it’s my turn to give back, however I can, and in whatever capacity I am able. Whether it’s washing dishes& cleaning the house, or driving my grandma to church or to run errands, or translating for them, or calling doctors, or simply enjoying their company and playing games and watching Stuart Little with my grandma… I just want to be there. They won’t be around forever and I want them to know I love them& appreciate everything they’ve been for me. I want to return that in some way… and I hope they realize I do not feel obligated to do so, but am just expressing my love& gratitude in whichever “language” I can.
I realize sometimes I’m ridiculously selfish and far too “selfward”, but I am also thankful that Jesus gives me a reality-check and change of perspective when I need it most. And I hope& pray He never stops.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Moment of Truth.
So, this might shock you, but:
I don't know if it comes with age, but I have somehow, in some way, in some circumstances, become more emotional.
I'm still not a big crier by any means. It really takes a lot. I don't cry at the drop of a hat, I don't cry because "I feel like I need to have a good cry", and I don't always cry when things are sad.
Make what you will out of it, but I've just never been a hugely emotional person. Not outwardly, anyway.
Therefore, you could imagine my surprise when I cried at not one, but TWO Narnia movies!
Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, friends.
At first I was kind of embarrassed about it. Luckily, I was alone, but I thought to myself, "What in the world, Natalie?"
To be perfectly honest... They just get me. Right to the heart.
Maybe it's because I've read the Chronicles of Narnia countless times, and am a huge, huge, huge C.S. Lewis fan, and I love how he can present storylines that have Biblical messages, yet in such natural ways. He's not some crazy overspiritualizer, and he doesn't make the books seem creepy or forced.
If I feel like someone is trying to manipulate my emotions, it makes me close up quicker than just about anything. I cannot stand being manipulated, or knowing someone is trying... whether specifically to me or to a general audience.
I've never thought about this before, but that might have something to do with the reason I can't stand chick flicks. The writers try to appeal to the emotions of females; to our desire to be loved& pursued.
Anyway, I don't want to get off on that tangent... No soapbox rants today.
For the same reason, I've never been huge on Christian movies. Maybe that means I'm too proud. Maybe it means I'm too open-minded. Maybe it means I'm too stubborn. I just don't need someone trying to use imagery and theatricality to make me love Jesus more.
Love can't be forced; it must be desired, it must be chosen, it must be given, and it must be natural. Abnormally natural.
In the Chronicles of Narnia, Aslan's character is a depiction of Christ. It's weird to think of Jesus as an animal, but the reason why it's not difficult, is because it doesn't seem contrived. The makers of the movies are not Christians making a church movie. They're people making a movie based on some novels by an Englishman. Luckily, the novels have interesting storylines& beautiful examples.
Besides, Jesus is referred to as the Lion of the tribe of Judah, and He is majestic, honorable, & powerful. In The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I cried at the scene after Aslan is killed in place of Edmund, who had committed treason& betrayed his own siblings. He comes back to life, and the Stone Table is cracked in two, and it's just such a beautiful, yet simple picture of Jesus' willingness to give His life for ours, and of His resurrection, and how the veil was torn from top to bottom, showing the pure impossibility of such a miracle...
While proving that, with Christ, nothing is impossible.
There was such joy in that moment of the movie, as the girls stared at Aslan incredulously, and hugged him, and wept. It was such a victorious moment, but so understated-- it wasn't like extra time was spent on that scene, in comparison to other scenes.
The part that got me in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader is at the end, when Lucy, Edmund, Caspian, and cute little Reepicheep the mouse finally reach Aslan's country. They talk about going into Aslan's country, contemplate their futures& make their decisions. And little Reepicheep says that he has dreamed for years of being able to enter this country, & Aslan lets him.
First, He says, "My country was made for noble hearts such as yours... No matter how small their bearers be."
The look on little Reep's face is so humble& anticipatory. I have NO idea how artists& graphic designers give expression to an animal's face, but they do. That part just struck me. Deeply.
Sometimes I feel like I have such a feeble little heart. Yet, no matter how feeble it is, I am encouraged by the fact that Jesus knows it is a heart that loves Him fiercely.
No matter how much or how little I feel like I know, I do know my Savior.
I know that He loves me, that He gave His entire life for me, that He sacrificed more for me than I could ever earn or repay, and that my life is not a matter of "repaying" this gift.
It's not like I have some great debt. My debt has been reconciled& erased.
But the paradox is this: I am forever indebted to Him. Because no matter how I try or what I say, I can never fully express how grateful I am to my God, or how much I love Him, appreciate Him, and enjoy Him.
Life is not about knowing myself, and learning more about myself.
It is simply about knowing Him. Loving Him. Enjoying Him.
Getting to know who He is, what He loves, what He enjoys, and what His vision is. And through all that, I do know myself. I have found myself.
Not completely, of course.
I'm only 24 years old and have many more years ahead of me.
But I don't need to know every tiny detail or every single answer.
I can rest in the fact that He Himself is the answer, and He is enough.
And He is endlessly enjoyable. Exciting. Fascinating. He possesses heights& depths that I will never fully experience, because He is infinitely good.
I just want to be with Him. I want to sit at His feet. I want to hug Him. I want to look in His eyes. I want to listen to His voice.
I wish He would just come knock on my door and give me a big bear hug. Literally. Physically. And so I anticipate the day that I will see Him face to face, and when I'll be able to enjoy the Man I have been in love with for so many years.
That is why that part made me cry. For the first time in my life, I identified with a little CGI mouse.
To picture Jesus looking at me with eyes full of love, understanding, and pride, saying, "You may be small, but your heart is noble, and that's the kind of heart I love." I just want to be the best woman I possibly can be, because I want Him to be proud of me. I want to be the kind of woman He is proud to present to His Father. To be the type of woman whom He knows will always be there, holding onto His hand-- never letting go-- because there's no place I'd rather be.
To be the woman who will say, "No matter where You go... No matter what You do... No matter what You decide is best... No matter how little I might understand... No matter how quickly or how slowly You're leading me to the destination... I'm in. I'm in with both feet. I will follow You to the ends of the earth, and I trust You, and I can't wait for the adventure."
I'm not saying I'm perfect, or even close. Of course I'm not. I'll never be. Maybe there is a lot that needs to be changed in me still. Maybe there are traits that I have that I wish I didn't. Maybe there are attitudes that I lack, that I need to adopt.
That's life. Life is one, big, growing, challenging, exciting adventure. It's going to take hard work. But that hard work pays off. It's not all work and no play.
Instead, it's like hiking.
Sometimes it's kicking my butt, and I'm huffing& puffing, and I'm becoming exhausted... Yet somehow still enjoying myself and loving every minute. Sometimes I have to stop& take a breather, because I feel like my lungs might explode. But it's beautiful, and fun, and energizing, and enjoyable. And that's how life is.
It can kick your butt, throw curveballs, and send you through the wringer.
But life with Jesus is always rich, and we have the promise that those exhausting, crappy, frustrating times are producing a greater weight of glory.
I don't know how long it'll be until I get to see Jesus face-to-face. I don't know how long until I can fall on Him& hug Him, and sit at His feet and lean on Him... But I know that day will come.
And I know that He comes near. James 4 says that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you.
He does. Sometimes He seems so close that He is nearly tangible. The promise that fills my heart with honest-to-God joy and excitement is knowing that Jesus lives in me. He fills me. He has placed His identity in me and is enlarging His place in my life. He's tearing down my walls & borders and replacing them with His borders... but He is endless, so I have no clue if He even has borders, or what that looks like.
All I know is that I know Jesus, and He knows me. Through that, I know myself. I know His heart, and I am forced to look at my own, and to compare the two. That can be horribly confrontational.
The human heart is wicked& deceitful, but Jesus is beautiful& glorious. So, the more He fills my heart, the more the selfishness& pride gets pushed out.
In the end, knowing Jesus. By knowing Him, I love& enjoy Him so much more. By loving & enjoying Him, I spend time with Him. And time spent with Him is miraculously transformational.
I don't want to spend my life wanting to know all these answers and being driven by the pursuit of wanting to know my future... but knowing that Jesus is my future, yet He is also my life& my joy.
That simple truth is where I find myself today. Spending my life with Him is the most important factor. Everything else falls into place.
I must say... It is freeing, it is calming, and it is EXCITING.
Bring on the adventures, Jesus...
"Extraordinary things happen to extraordinary people.
Maybe it's a sign that you have an extraordinary destiny--
Something greater than you could have imagined."
-The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
"I know that You promised You would make us a home. You said You'd come soon-- but it's been so long. It's hard to be patient, when I feel You come close... But I must remember Your ways are different. You call all times soon..."
[My Epic; Further Up/Further In]
I don't know if it comes with age, but I have somehow, in some way, in some circumstances, become more emotional.
I'm still not a big crier by any means. It really takes a lot. I don't cry at the drop of a hat, I don't cry because "I feel like I need to have a good cry", and I don't always cry when things are sad.
Make what you will out of it, but I've just never been a hugely emotional person. Not outwardly, anyway.
Therefore, you could imagine my surprise when I cried at not one, but TWO Narnia movies!
Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up, friends.
At first I was kind of embarrassed about it. Luckily, I was alone, but I thought to myself, "What in the world, Natalie?"
To be perfectly honest... They just get me. Right to the heart.
Maybe it's because I've read the Chronicles of Narnia countless times, and am a huge, huge, huge C.S. Lewis fan, and I love how he can present storylines that have Biblical messages, yet in such natural ways. He's not some crazy overspiritualizer, and he doesn't make the books seem creepy or forced.
If I feel like someone is trying to manipulate my emotions, it makes me close up quicker than just about anything. I cannot stand being manipulated, or knowing someone is trying... whether specifically to me or to a general audience.
I've never thought about this before, but that might have something to do with the reason I can't stand chick flicks. The writers try to appeal to the emotions of females; to our desire to be loved& pursued.
Anyway, I don't want to get off on that tangent... No soapbox rants today.
For the same reason, I've never been huge on Christian movies. Maybe that means I'm too proud. Maybe it means I'm too open-minded. Maybe it means I'm too stubborn. I just don't need someone trying to use imagery and theatricality to make me love Jesus more.
Love can't be forced; it must be desired, it must be chosen, it must be given, and it must be natural. Abnormally natural.
In the Chronicles of Narnia, Aslan's character is a depiction of Christ. It's weird to think of Jesus as an animal, but the reason why it's not difficult, is because it doesn't seem contrived. The makers of the movies are not Christians making a church movie. They're people making a movie based on some novels by an Englishman. Luckily, the novels have interesting storylines& beautiful examples.
Besides, Jesus is referred to as the Lion of the tribe of Judah, and He is majestic, honorable, & powerful. In The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, I cried at the scene after Aslan is killed in place of Edmund, who had committed treason& betrayed his own siblings. He comes back to life, and the Stone Table is cracked in two, and it's just such a beautiful, yet simple picture of Jesus' willingness to give His life for ours, and of His resurrection, and how the veil was torn from top to bottom, showing the pure impossibility of such a miracle...
While proving that, with Christ, nothing is impossible.
There was such joy in that moment of the movie, as the girls stared at Aslan incredulously, and hugged him, and wept. It was such a victorious moment, but so understated-- it wasn't like extra time was spent on that scene, in comparison to other scenes.
The part that got me in The Voyage of the Dawn Treader is at the end, when Lucy, Edmund, Caspian, and cute little Reepicheep the mouse finally reach Aslan's country. They talk about going into Aslan's country, contemplate their futures& make their decisions. And little Reepicheep says that he has dreamed for years of being able to enter this country, & Aslan lets him.
First, He says, "My country was made for noble hearts such as yours... No matter how small their bearers be."
The look on little Reep's face is so humble& anticipatory. I have NO idea how artists& graphic designers give expression to an animal's face, but they do. That part just struck me. Deeply.
Sometimes I feel like I have such a feeble little heart. Yet, no matter how feeble it is, I am encouraged by the fact that Jesus knows it is a heart that loves Him fiercely.
No matter how much or how little I feel like I know, I do know my Savior.
I know that He loves me, that He gave His entire life for me, that He sacrificed more for me than I could ever earn or repay, and that my life is not a matter of "repaying" this gift.
It's not like I have some great debt. My debt has been reconciled& erased.
But the paradox is this: I am forever indebted to Him. Because no matter how I try or what I say, I can never fully express how grateful I am to my God, or how much I love Him, appreciate Him, and enjoy Him.
Life is not about knowing myself, and learning more about myself.
It is simply about knowing Him. Loving Him. Enjoying Him.
Getting to know who He is, what He loves, what He enjoys, and what His vision is. And through all that, I do know myself. I have found myself.
Not completely, of course.
I'm only 24 years old and have many more years ahead of me.
But I don't need to know every tiny detail or every single answer.
I can rest in the fact that He Himself is the answer, and He is enough.
And He is endlessly enjoyable. Exciting. Fascinating. He possesses heights& depths that I will never fully experience, because He is infinitely good.
I just want to be with Him. I want to sit at His feet. I want to hug Him. I want to look in His eyes. I want to listen to His voice.
I wish He would just come knock on my door and give me a big bear hug. Literally. Physically. And so I anticipate the day that I will see Him face to face, and when I'll be able to enjoy the Man I have been in love with for so many years.
That is why that part made me cry. For the first time in my life, I identified with a little CGI mouse.
To picture Jesus looking at me with eyes full of love, understanding, and pride, saying, "You may be small, but your heart is noble, and that's the kind of heart I love." I just want to be the best woman I possibly can be, because I want Him to be proud of me. I want to be the kind of woman He is proud to present to His Father. To be the type of woman whom He knows will always be there, holding onto His hand-- never letting go-- because there's no place I'd rather be.
To be the woman who will say, "No matter where You go... No matter what You do... No matter what You decide is best... No matter how little I might understand... No matter how quickly or how slowly You're leading me to the destination... I'm in. I'm in with both feet. I will follow You to the ends of the earth, and I trust You, and I can't wait for the adventure."
I'm not saying I'm perfect, or even close. Of course I'm not. I'll never be. Maybe there is a lot that needs to be changed in me still. Maybe there are traits that I have that I wish I didn't. Maybe there are attitudes that I lack, that I need to adopt.
That's life. Life is one, big, growing, challenging, exciting adventure. It's going to take hard work. But that hard work pays off. It's not all work and no play.
Instead, it's like hiking.
Sometimes it's kicking my butt, and I'm huffing& puffing, and I'm becoming exhausted... Yet somehow still enjoying myself and loving every minute. Sometimes I have to stop& take a breather, because I feel like my lungs might explode. But it's beautiful, and fun, and energizing, and enjoyable. And that's how life is.
It can kick your butt, throw curveballs, and send you through the wringer.
But life with Jesus is always rich, and we have the promise that those exhausting, crappy, frustrating times are producing a greater weight of glory.
I don't know how long it'll be until I get to see Jesus face-to-face. I don't know how long until I can fall on Him& hug Him, and sit at His feet and lean on Him... But I know that day will come.
And I know that He comes near. James 4 says that if you draw near to God, He will draw near to you.
He does. Sometimes He seems so close that He is nearly tangible. The promise that fills my heart with honest-to-God joy and excitement is knowing that Jesus lives in me. He fills me. He has placed His identity in me and is enlarging His place in my life. He's tearing down my walls & borders and replacing them with His borders... but He is endless, so I have no clue if He even has borders, or what that looks like.
All I know is that I know Jesus, and He knows me. Through that, I know myself. I know His heart, and I am forced to look at my own, and to compare the two. That can be horribly confrontational.
The human heart is wicked& deceitful, but Jesus is beautiful& glorious. So, the more He fills my heart, the more the selfishness& pride gets pushed out.
In the end, knowing Jesus. By knowing Him, I love& enjoy Him so much more. By loving & enjoying Him, I spend time with Him. And time spent with Him is miraculously transformational.
I don't want to spend my life wanting to know all these answers and being driven by the pursuit of wanting to know my future... but knowing that Jesus is my future, yet He is also my life& my joy.
That simple truth is where I find myself today. Spending my life with Him is the most important factor. Everything else falls into place.
I must say... It is freeing, it is calming, and it is EXCITING.
Bring on the adventures, Jesus...
"Extraordinary things happen to extraordinary people.
Maybe it's a sign that you have an extraordinary destiny--
Something greater than you could have imagined."
-The Voyage of the Dawn Treader
"I know that You promised You would make us a home. You said You'd come soon-- but it's been so long. It's hard to be patient, when I feel You come close... But I must remember Your ways are different. You call all times soon..."
[My Epic; Further Up/Further In]
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It's Just Who I Am...
Wow. It's crazy& inspiring to look to the past sometimes.
On February 10, 2006, I didn't know who I was. Case in point:
"Father, right now I see in a mirror dimly. I do not know who I am, really, or who You are making me to be. I'm so in those growing stages. Developmental stages.
The more I ask myself, the less I know: Who am I? What do You want me to do? What do I want to do? What are my strengths/weaknesses? What are my gifts & interests?
I know who I am in You, because I know Your identity. I want to know You deeper, Jesus. I know who You are in me, but I don't really know who I am in You."
Kinda contradicted myself there, but you get the picture.
I was 19 when I wrote that; in my 4th semester of Bible college. It's so interesting to reflect on that time in my life. To be honest, I remember it well. I was WRECKED. I was having a young-life identity crisis for a couple reasons. I was questioning everything about myself and, as I did, I wasn't coming up with too many answers.
In a sense, it was my absolute best& favorite semester of Bible college. God did unbelievable things in my life, mind, and heart during that time. However, I was kind of a lone ranger. Just me and Jesus. It was great, but it was also harmful to me in many ways. The person who isolates themselves rages against all wise judgment.
Anyway, that aside, I really didn't know who I was on several levels. God was in control of certain parts of my life, in varying degrees. But, out of fear, I didn't let Him fully take everything. I had been burned by people before, and I had a stupid idea in my mind that God was going to do the same. FALSE. He never, ever did, and He never, ever will.
Today, I am 24 years old. Almost 25. And I can honestly say that I have grown& developed so much as a person. Jesus Christ has done miracles in my life. He has uncovered so much of what I had swept under the rug years ago. He has dealt with the demons in the closet, and crushed every single one. He has broken the handcuffs that I sometimes passively, sometimes unwittingly allowed to chain me. He has shined light on the dark places, brought freedom where there once was oppression, and brought clarity where there was once confusion.
This is not at all to say that I have all the answers, or that I know specifically what I'm doing every second of the day. Heck no. Not at all. But I know that Jesus is the answer, and He is all that I need.
"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"
-C.S. Lewis
I'm still figuring out a lot of the specifics in my life, and determining the timing. I'm a dreamer. I'm a goal-oriented person. I always have to have a goal in my life, or I begin to feel apathetic and wonder what I'm even doing. I have to have a vision, a clear direction, and to be able to follow it. If there isn't one, I make one. Sometimes that's a bad thing, because it can be me getting way too ahead of myself, and not participating in the here& now, because I want so badly to move on to the next thing. God is teaching me what it is to truly "bloom where I'm planted".
However cliche the phrase may be, it's still a great lesson.
Before rushing off to the next thing, He is telling me to slow down, to focus on what's before me& what I'm involved in here& now, and to find my purpose or goal in each experience of life.
If we're always rushing around, wondering what's around the corner, we won't truly experience life, but will squander it away in pursuit of the next big thing. And what kind of life is that?
Chasing pseudo-dreams?
I am learning a lot about myself, my goals& interests, my strengths& weaknesses, the things that matter to me, and those that don't, the ways I'm typical and the ways I am not even close to typical.
I love. I love Jesus, I love my family, I love people.
I get excited about little things, & sometimes I get so happy about things that other people probably find it ridiculous.
Exhibit A: I love dogs. Anytime a patient brings their dog into the office, I can help but kneel down& hug it, and talk to it in a puppy-voice, and tell it how cute it is. Ridiculous? Maybe. But I just get excited.
Exhibit B: Christmas. Talk to me about Christmas, or about anything that reminds me of Christmas, and you'll see-- you guessed it-- someone as excited as a little kid on Christmas. I can't help it. It's my favorite.
Exhibit C: Surprise coffee/chai deliveries. It's happened a few times at work, and I can't even tell you how happy it makes me. At the thrift store, I remember someone saying, "Wow. It's just coffee." but, to me, it's the gesture that's appreciated. And... I love coffee.
My family means the world to me& I am incredibly loyal to them. I am personally not easily offended, but if someone says something offensive about my family, the gloves come off.
I love people. It completely makes my day to be able to meet someone & have a conversation with them, and to be able to connect with them in some way.
I love football& action movies& can't stand chick flicks& really don't like reality TV at all& need to unwind for awhile after work before I'm ready to talk& socialize [which are typically considered "guy things"]... but I'm such a stereotypical girl in other ways, like being spaghetti-brained& connecting everything somehow, or being able to sit& talk with a friend for 3 hours without even realizing it, and loving to cook& bake& clean& find new recipes, and somehow having a room that is clean& simultaneously messy with clothes piles. Eh. Such is life. I embrace it.
I am a very social person, and my life is full of people& relationships. I enjoy it that way, which is why I lead the lifestyle I do. However, I also very much need time alone, to think, to be quiet, to read, to reflect, to just be. Without it, I go crazy.
I DO NOT LIKE BEING INSIDE. Honestly. When the skies are blue& the sun is shining [and its not 95+ degrees outside], it pains me to be inside. I like being outside when it's sunny& freezing, when it's cold, when it's snowing, & even don't mind the wind, as long as it isn't insanely strong. Pretty much only crazy temperatures, thick humidity, & pouring rain are grounds for staying inside all day.
If I have to be indoors for the majority of the day [like long workdays], it puts me in a funk.
Whether hiking or walking or gardening or playing with the dogs, I need to get outside and enjoy fresh air in order to function and have proper mental clarity.
You think I'm joking.
Come see me when I get out of work at 8pm on a Thursday. It's not a pretty sight.
I am unbelievably stubborn sometimes. Call it what you will... the irresistible force or whatever. It can be a great thing or a very bad thing, depending on the situation. I'm working on it.
I am also very opinionated. Working on that, too. I will always have opinions. Honestly. There isn't anything I can think of that I don't have some sort of an opinion on, whether strong or not. But I am learning that it isn't always right or necessary to share those opinions.
That is only the beginning of "Open Mouth, Insert Foot" Syndrome.
I am trying to be more mindful in the things that I say, whether spoken or written. Just because I have a few blog sites and feel like I can write whatever the heck I want, if I'm just being controversial or opinionated, I'd rather keep my mouth shut until I can handle the discussion in a mature, open-minded way. Does that always work? No. That's why you'll find me deleting things at random.
I would rather do something& learn from my experiences [and, granted, mistakes] than not do it and always wonder, "What if?" Clearly, I'm not talking about doing things that are harmful or stupid... I'm not going to drive 100 mph on the freeway just to experience it [okay, maybe I would... twice... but never again...], or get completely hammered just to know what it feels like. But, as far as experiences, travel, decisions, and sometimes determining that it is, in fact, worth it to stray from my course in order to seize an opportunity in front of me--- I'd rather do it and learn from it, than play it safe and spend the rest of my life thinking, "What would have/could have/should have happened if only...?"
Yeah. Not for me.
As Mark Twain says in the quote on the top of this page, I would much rather explore, dream, and discover. Life is an adventure. And an adventure that I want to take advantage of in every way; to experience to the fullest. I know sometimes I will look back and think, "Well, I would do that differently next time." but I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, stifling God's extraordinary purpose for my life because I'm not willing to jump in with both feet, even if I can't see the bottom.
Lastly [well, not really lastly, but if I really wrote all the things I've been learning about myself, I'd be typing all night. No one wants to read that, and I don't want to write it!], there are SO many things that I've been either introduced to, or that have piqued my interest that I really want to experience. And I won't rest until I have. Call it a bucket list, if you will.
1) I've been skydiving, and I want to go again. It's $200, which is steep for a couple minutes of your life, but it's honestly worth it. Yes, bargain-shopper Natalie says it's worth it.
2) Whitewater rafting. I've never gone, although I've wanted to since I was 14. Mom was scared for my life. Can't say that I blame her, since I've displayed Mr. Magoo characteristics since childhood.
3) Rock climbing. Someone once presented me with the possibility of going, and I was never able to redeem that offer.
Embarrassing yet amusing moment of truth: I've wanted to go rock climbing since I watched The Princess Diaries as a young teen and saw Anne Hathaway climbing a rock wall. Haha. Truth.
4) SCUBA diving. Since I was a 13 year old girl, fascinated by marine life, I've wanted to try scuba diving. Snorkeling is awesome, & beautiful, but SCUBA diving seems to be where the party's at.
5) Maybe I really should just try out for The Amazing Race. Pretty sure they get to do most of those things, or fun activities of this nature on the show. All while running around like crazy, in "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" fashion. Sign me up.
On February 10, 2006, I didn't know who I was. Case in point:
"Father, right now I see in a mirror dimly. I do not know who I am, really, or who You are making me to be. I'm so in those growing stages. Developmental stages.
The more I ask myself, the less I know: Who am I? What do You want me to do? What do I want to do? What are my strengths/weaknesses? What are my gifts & interests?
I know who I am in You, because I know Your identity. I want to know You deeper, Jesus. I know who You are in me, but I don't really know who I am in You."
Kinda contradicted myself there, but you get the picture.
I was 19 when I wrote that; in my 4th semester of Bible college. It's so interesting to reflect on that time in my life. To be honest, I remember it well. I was WRECKED. I was having a young-life identity crisis for a couple reasons. I was questioning everything about myself and, as I did, I wasn't coming up with too many answers.
In a sense, it was my absolute best& favorite semester of Bible college. God did unbelievable things in my life, mind, and heart during that time. However, I was kind of a lone ranger. Just me and Jesus. It was great, but it was also harmful to me in many ways. The person who isolates themselves rages against all wise judgment.
Anyway, that aside, I really didn't know who I was on several levels. God was in control of certain parts of my life, in varying degrees. But, out of fear, I didn't let Him fully take everything. I had been burned by people before, and I had a stupid idea in my mind that God was going to do the same. FALSE. He never, ever did, and He never, ever will.
Today, I am 24 years old. Almost 25. And I can honestly say that I have grown& developed so much as a person. Jesus Christ has done miracles in my life. He has uncovered so much of what I had swept under the rug years ago. He has dealt with the demons in the closet, and crushed every single one. He has broken the handcuffs that I sometimes passively, sometimes unwittingly allowed to chain me. He has shined light on the dark places, brought freedom where there once was oppression, and brought clarity where there was once confusion.
This is not at all to say that I have all the answers, or that I know specifically what I'm doing every second of the day. Heck no. Not at all. But I know that Jesus is the answer, and He is all that I need.
"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"
-C.S. Lewis
I'm still figuring out a lot of the specifics in my life, and determining the timing. I'm a dreamer. I'm a goal-oriented person. I always have to have a goal in my life, or I begin to feel apathetic and wonder what I'm even doing. I have to have a vision, a clear direction, and to be able to follow it. If there isn't one, I make one. Sometimes that's a bad thing, because it can be me getting way too ahead of myself, and not participating in the here& now, because I want so badly to move on to the next thing. God is teaching me what it is to truly "bloom where I'm planted".
However cliche the phrase may be, it's still a great lesson.
Before rushing off to the next thing, He is telling me to slow down, to focus on what's before me& what I'm involved in here& now, and to find my purpose or goal in each experience of life.
If we're always rushing around, wondering what's around the corner, we won't truly experience life, but will squander it away in pursuit of the next big thing. And what kind of life is that?
Chasing pseudo-dreams?
I am learning a lot about myself, my goals& interests, my strengths& weaknesses, the things that matter to me, and those that don't, the ways I'm typical and the ways I am not even close to typical.
I love. I love Jesus, I love my family, I love people.
I get excited about little things, & sometimes I get so happy about things that other people probably find it ridiculous.
Exhibit A: I love dogs. Anytime a patient brings their dog into the office, I can help but kneel down& hug it, and talk to it in a puppy-voice, and tell it how cute it is. Ridiculous? Maybe. But I just get excited.
Exhibit B: Christmas. Talk to me about Christmas, or about anything that reminds me of Christmas, and you'll see-- you guessed it-- someone as excited as a little kid on Christmas. I can't help it. It's my favorite.
Exhibit C: Surprise coffee/chai deliveries. It's happened a few times at work, and I can't even tell you how happy it makes me. At the thrift store, I remember someone saying, "Wow. It's just coffee." but, to me, it's the gesture that's appreciated. And... I love coffee.
My family means the world to me& I am incredibly loyal to them. I am personally not easily offended, but if someone says something offensive about my family, the gloves come off.
I love people. It completely makes my day to be able to meet someone & have a conversation with them, and to be able to connect with them in some way.
I love football& action movies& can't stand chick flicks& really don't like reality TV at all& need to unwind for awhile after work before I'm ready to talk& socialize [which are typically considered "guy things"]... but I'm such a stereotypical girl in other ways, like being spaghetti-brained& connecting everything somehow, or being able to sit& talk with a friend for 3 hours without even realizing it, and loving to cook& bake& clean& find new recipes, and somehow having a room that is clean& simultaneously messy with clothes piles. Eh. Such is life. I embrace it.
I am a very social person, and my life is full of people& relationships. I enjoy it that way, which is why I lead the lifestyle I do. However, I also very much need time alone, to think, to be quiet, to read, to reflect, to just be. Without it, I go crazy.
I DO NOT LIKE BEING INSIDE. Honestly. When the skies are blue& the sun is shining [and its not 95+ degrees outside], it pains me to be inside. I like being outside when it's sunny& freezing, when it's cold, when it's snowing, & even don't mind the wind, as long as it isn't insanely strong. Pretty much only crazy temperatures, thick humidity, & pouring rain are grounds for staying inside all day.
If I have to be indoors for the majority of the day [like long workdays], it puts me in a funk.
Whether hiking or walking or gardening or playing with the dogs, I need to get outside and enjoy fresh air in order to function and have proper mental clarity.
You think I'm joking.
Come see me when I get out of work at 8pm on a Thursday. It's not a pretty sight.
I am unbelievably stubborn sometimes. Call it what you will... the irresistible force or whatever. It can be a great thing or a very bad thing, depending on the situation. I'm working on it.
I am also very opinionated. Working on that, too. I will always have opinions. Honestly. There isn't anything I can think of that I don't have some sort of an opinion on, whether strong or not. But I am learning that it isn't always right or necessary to share those opinions.
That is only the beginning of "Open Mouth, Insert Foot" Syndrome.
I am trying to be more mindful in the things that I say, whether spoken or written. Just because I have a few blog sites and feel like I can write whatever the heck I want, if I'm just being controversial or opinionated, I'd rather keep my mouth shut until I can handle the discussion in a mature, open-minded way. Does that always work? No. That's why you'll find me deleting things at random.
I would rather do something& learn from my experiences [and, granted, mistakes] than not do it and always wonder, "What if?" Clearly, I'm not talking about doing things that are harmful or stupid... I'm not going to drive 100 mph on the freeway just to experience it [okay, maybe I would... twice... but never again...], or get completely hammered just to know what it feels like. But, as far as experiences, travel, decisions, and sometimes determining that it is, in fact, worth it to stray from my course in order to seize an opportunity in front of me--- I'd rather do it and learn from it, than play it safe and spend the rest of my life thinking, "What would have/could have/should have happened if only...?"
Yeah. Not for me.
As Mark Twain says in the quote on the top of this page, I would much rather explore, dream, and discover. Life is an adventure. And an adventure that I want to take advantage of in every way; to experience to the fullest. I know sometimes I will look back and think, "Well, I would do that differently next time." but I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, stifling God's extraordinary purpose for my life because I'm not willing to jump in with both feet, even if I can't see the bottom.
Lastly [well, not really lastly, but if I really wrote all the things I've been learning about myself, I'd be typing all night. No one wants to read that, and I don't want to write it!], there are SO many things that I've been either introduced to, or that have piqued my interest that I really want to experience. And I won't rest until I have. Call it a bucket list, if you will.
1) I've been skydiving, and I want to go again. It's $200, which is steep for a couple minutes of your life, but it's honestly worth it. Yes, bargain-shopper Natalie says it's worth it.
2) Whitewater rafting. I've never gone, although I've wanted to since I was 14. Mom was scared for my life. Can't say that I blame her, since I've displayed Mr. Magoo characteristics since childhood.
3) Rock climbing. Someone once presented me with the possibility of going, and I was never able to redeem that offer.
Embarrassing yet amusing moment of truth: I've wanted to go rock climbing since I watched The Princess Diaries as a young teen and saw Anne Hathaway climbing a rock wall. Haha. Truth.
4) SCUBA diving. Since I was a 13 year old girl, fascinated by marine life, I've wanted to try scuba diving. Snorkeling is awesome, & beautiful, but SCUBA diving seems to be where the party's at.
5) Maybe I really should just try out for The Amazing Race. Pretty sure they get to do most of those things, or fun activities of this nature on the show. All while running around like crazy, in "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" fashion. Sign me up.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
I Will Wait.
DISCLAIMER:
Girls, this is the precursor to the "All My Single Ladies" blog I've been promising for several months, but have never written. Sorry for that.
This is a poem by a hip-hop poet named Jannette, from P4CM [Passion 4 Christ Movement]. Several of my friends posted the video on FB, all with captions calling us single ladies to watch it. Seriously. I do not care if you're 14 and single, 25 and single, or 43 and single.
It. Is. Good.
Here is the link, so you can check it out: http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhKd5523f5J4yhgXiD
Below is the script. FANTASTIC. Not all of us can relate to all of these experiences specifically, but I love the heart behind her poetry. No matter what happens... Jesus is Number ONE. Always. Hands down. No contest.
We can trust Him implicitly with our hearts, knowing He has the absolute best for us, His timing is perfect, and His wisdom trumps ours any day.
I have not recently settled for the "kinda sorta right, kinda sorta wrong" kind of guy by any means, but this is a great reminder to keep on keepin' on... To walk forward as Jesus takes me by the hand, enjoying my life with Him, and not allowing all the outside voices& opinions to seep in... You know, those voices that say you're only "someone" if you're in a relationship.
I call BS. B freaking S. Life with Jesus is full, it is joyful, it is exciting& adventurous, and He is enough. A relationship will be great, in His timing, but I don't need one to identify me or to validate me. Jesus did that when He bled& died for me on the cross, and when He raised Himself from the dead and ascended into heaven. On that day, He not only bought us, but He gave us purpose& value.
If I never get married, that value still remains. And if I DO get married, I only want it to be with the right man... The one whom is the best teammate for me, and whom I am the best for. The kind of relationship that displays Jesus' love... in the way he loves me& I love him, and in the way that we individually& collectively love, serve, & follow God, and in the way that we challenge& support each other to become more like Christ, so that we can reflect the relationship between Christ& His bride-- the church-- to those around us. Marriages are beautiful things, but its not about "not being alone", but about being a team who is on mission for Jesus Christ... and what better way to mirror the love of Christ to others, than to put two people together who love& enjoy each other deeply, who work so well together, and who just "fit"?
Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, that was the longest disclaimer known to man, and I think I'm getting ahead of myself& starting my blog, when I just meant to share a link!
Without further ado... Read on. It's way better than what I have to say...
I WILL WAIT.
So it seemed that it was cool for everyone to be in a relationship but me.
so I took matters into my own hands and ended up with him.
Him who displayed the characteristics of a liar, a cheater, an abuser, and a thief.
He had a form of godliness but not much. But hey, I can change him, so I’ll take him… he’s close… enough.
Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter; arteries so clogged with my will that it blocked His will from flowing through me. So I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flatlined my obscured vision& put me flat on my back. T
hrough my ignorance He saw.
So through my sternum He saw& cracked open my chest to transplant Psalm 51:10, a new heart& a renewed spirit within.
So now I fully understand, better yet, I thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait for You.
See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t You from the beginning. Because in the beginning was the Word, and he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son.
But I know you.. you’re already praying for me. Even having never met me, let me assure you, I will wait for you. I will no longer date, socialize, or communicate with carbon copies of you, to appease my boredom or quench my thirsty desire for attention or short-lived compliments from “sorta-kindas”.
You know, “He’s sorta-kinda right, but sorta-kinda wrong.”
I won’t settle for false companionship. I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness but never feeling so far apart because, “I just wanna be held.”
I will no longer get weighted down by the so-called friend and family talks, concerned about my biological clock, when I serve the Author of time, who is NOT subject to time, but I am subject to Him.
He has the ability to stop, fast-forward, or rewind, at any given time, so if we could role-play, you would be Abraham and I would be Sarah.
Or you could be Jacob and I could be Rebecca, a servant’s answered prayer.
Bone of your bone, and flesh of your flesh, made up of your rib, Adam.
And once we meet, like electrons, I will be bound to your nucleus; completely indivisible, atom.
We even speak the same math! 1+ 1+ 1= 3, which really equals 1, if you add ‘em.
We were all created in His image, but you have the ability to reflect, project, and even detect the Son. If I were to explain what you look like, you would have to look like a star, a son of the Sun.
I would gain energy simply from the light you shine on me. I would need you in order to complete my photosynthesis.
I await your revelation, but once again-- from the genesis-- I will wait… for you.
And I will know you.
Because when you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom. Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses. Your faith will remind me of Abraham. Your confidence in God’s word will remind me of Daniel. Your inspiration will remind me of Paul. Your heart for God will remind me of David. Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah. Your integrity will remind me of Joseph. And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples.
But your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of Christ.
But I won’t need to identify you by any special math use or any special marks, ‘cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.
And you will know me. And you will find me. Where the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary which is engulfed in the tears of praying Hannah. I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31
… waiting for you.
But to my Father: My Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth…
Only if You should see fit.
I desire Your will above mine, so even if You call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with You-- the One who was sent.
You are the greatest love story ever told.
The greatest love ever known.
You are forever my Judge and I am forever Your witness.
And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.
I will always be Yours.
And I will always wait for You, Lord. More than the watchmen wait for the morning.
More than the watchmen wait for the morning, I will wait.
Girls, this is the precursor to the "All My Single Ladies" blog I've been promising for several months, but have never written. Sorry for that.
This is a poem by a hip-hop poet named Jannette, from P4CM [Passion 4 Christ Movement]. Several of my friends posted the video on FB, all with captions calling us single ladies to watch it. Seriously. I do not care if you're 14 and single, 25 and single, or 43 and single.
It. Is. Good.
Here is the link, so you can check it out: http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhKd5523f5J4yhgXiD
Below is the script. FANTASTIC. Not all of us can relate to all of these experiences specifically, but I love the heart behind her poetry. No matter what happens... Jesus is Number ONE. Always. Hands down. No contest.
We can trust Him implicitly with our hearts, knowing He has the absolute best for us, His timing is perfect, and His wisdom trumps ours any day.
I have not recently settled for the "kinda sorta right, kinda sorta wrong" kind of guy by any means, but this is a great reminder to keep on keepin' on... To walk forward as Jesus takes me by the hand, enjoying my life with Him, and not allowing all the outside voices& opinions to seep in... You know, those voices that say you're only "someone" if you're in a relationship.
I call BS. B freaking S. Life with Jesus is full, it is joyful, it is exciting& adventurous, and He is enough. A relationship will be great, in His timing, but I don't need one to identify me or to validate me. Jesus did that when He bled& died for me on the cross, and when He raised Himself from the dead and ascended into heaven. On that day, He not only bought us, but He gave us purpose& value.
If I never get married, that value still remains. And if I DO get married, I only want it to be with the right man... The one whom is the best teammate for me, and whom I am the best for. The kind of relationship that displays Jesus' love... in the way he loves me& I love him, and in the way that we individually& collectively love, serve, & follow God, and in the way that we challenge& support each other to become more like Christ, so that we can reflect the relationship between Christ& His bride-- the church-- to those around us. Marriages are beautiful things, but its not about "not being alone", but about being a team who is on mission for Jesus Christ... and what better way to mirror the love of Christ to others, than to put two people together who love& enjoy each other deeply, who work so well together, and who just "fit"?
Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, that was the longest disclaimer known to man, and I think I'm getting ahead of myself& starting my blog, when I just meant to share a link!
Without further ado... Read on. It's way better than what I have to say...
I WILL WAIT.
So it seemed that it was cool for everyone to be in a relationship but me.
so I took matters into my own hands and ended up with him.
Him who displayed the characteristics of a liar, a cheater, an abuser, and a thief.
He had a form of godliness but not much. But hey, I can change him, so I’ll take him… he’s close… enough.
Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter; arteries so clogged with my will that it blocked His will from flowing through me. So I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flatlined my obscured vision& put me flat on my back. T
hrough my ignorance He saw.
So through my sternum He saw& cracked open my chest to transplant Psalm 51:10, a new heart& a renewed spirit within.
So now I fully understand, better yet, I thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait for You.
See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t You from the beginning. Because in the beginning was the Word, and he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son.
But I know you.. you’re already praying for me. Even having never met me, let me assure you, I will wait for you. I will no longer date, socialize, or communicate with carbon copies of you, to appease my boredom or quench my thirsty desire for attention or short-lived compliments from “sorta-kindas”.
You know, “He’s sorta-kinda right, but sorta-kinda wrong.”
I won’t settle for false companionship. I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness but never feeling so far apart because, “I just wanna be held.”
I will no longer get weighted down by the so-called friend and family talks, concerned about my biological clock, when I serve the Author of time, who is NOT subject to time, but I am subject to Him.
He has the ability to stop, fast-forward, or rewind, at any given time, so if we could role-play, you would be Abraham and I would be Sarah.
Or you could be Jacob and I could be Rebecca, a servant’s answered prayer.
Bone of your bone, and flesh of your flesh, made up of your rib, Adam.
And once we meet, like electrons, I will be bound to your nucleus; completely indivisible, atom.
We even speak the same math! 1+ 1+ 1= 3, which really equals 1, if you add ‘em.
We were all created in His image, but you have the ability to reflect, project, and even detect the Son. If I were to explain what you look like, you would have to look like a star, a son of the Sun.
I would gain energy simply from the light you shine on me. I would need you in order to complete my photosynthesis.
I await your revelation, but once again-- from the genesis-- I will wait… for you.
And I will know you.
Because when you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom. Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses. Your faith will remind me of Abraham. Your confidence in God’s word will remind me of Daniel. Your inspiration will remind me of Paul. Your heart for God will remind me of David. Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah. Your integrity will remind me of Joseph. And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples.
But your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of Christ.
But I won’t need to identify you by any special math use or any special marks, ‘cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.
And you will know me. And you will find me. Where the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary which is engulfed in the tears of praying Hannah. I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31
… waiting for you.
But to my Father: My Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth…
Only if You should see fit.
I desire Your will above mine, so even if You call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with You-- the One who was sent.
You are the greatest love story ever told.
The greatest love ever known.
You are forever my Judge and I am forever Your witness.
And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.
I will always be Yours.
And I will always wait for You, Lord. More than the watchmen wait for the morning.
More than the watchmen wait for the morning, I will wait.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)