It's Just Who I Am...

Wow. It's crazy& inspiring to look to the past sometimes.

On February 10, 2006, I didn't know who I was. Case in point:

"Father, right now I see in a mirror dimly. I do not know who I am, really, or who You are making me to be. I'm so in those growing stages. Developmental stages.
The more I ask myself, the less I know: Who am I? What do You want me to do? What do I want to do? What are my strengths/weaknesses? What are my gifts & interests?
I know who I am in You, because I know Your identity. I want to know You deeper, Jesus. I know who You are in me, but I don't really know who I am in You."

Kinda contradicted myself there, but you get the picture.

I was 19 when I wrote that; in my 4th semester of Bible college. It's so interesting to reflect on that time in my life. To be honest, I remember it well. I was WRECKED. I was having a young-life identity crisis for a couple reasons. I was questioning everything about myself and, as I did, I wasn't coming up with too many answers.

In a sense, it was my absolute best& favorite semester of Bible college. God did unbelievable things in my life, mind, and heart during that time. However, I was kind of a lone ranger. Just me and Jesus. It was great, but it was also harmful to me in many ways. The person who isolates themselves rages against all wise judgment.

Anyway, that aside, I really didn't know who I was on several levels. God was in control of certain parts of my life, in varying degrees. But, out of fear, I didn't let Him fully take everything. I had been burned by people before, and I had a stupid idea in my mind that God was going to do the same. FALSE. He never, ever did, and He never, ever will.


Today, I am 24 years old. Almost 25. And I can honestly say that I have grown& developed so much as a person. Jesus Christ has done miracles in my life. He has uncovered so much of what I had swept under the rug years ago. He has dealt with the demons in the closet, and crushed every single one. He has broken the handcuffs that I sometimes passively, sometimes unwittingly allowed to chain me. He has shined light on the dark places, brought freedom where there once was oppression, and brought clarity where there was once confusion.


This is not at all to say that I have all the answers, or that I know specifically what I'm doing every second of the day. Heck no. Not at all. But I know that Jesus is the answer, and He is all that I need.

"I know now, Lord, why you utter no answer. You are yourself the answer. Before your face questions die away. What other answer would suffice?"
-C.S. Lewis

I'm still figuring out a lot of the specifics in my life, and determining the timing. I'm a dreamer. I'm a goal-oriented person. I always have to have a goal in my life, or I begin to feel apathetic and wonder what I'm even doing. I have to have a vision, a clear direction, and to be able to follow it. If there isn't one, I make one. Sometimes that's a bad thing, because it can be me getting way too ahead of myself, and not participating in the here& now, because I want so badly to move on to the next thing. God is teaching me what it is to truly "bloom where I'm planted".


However cliche the phrase may be, it's still a great lesson.


Before rushing off to the next thing, He is telling me to slow down, to focus on what's before me& what I'm involved in here& now, and to find my purpose or goal in each experience of life.
If we're always rushing around, wondering what's around the corner, we won't truly experience life, but will squander it away in pursuit of the next big thing. And what kind of life is that?
Chasing pseudo-dreams?


I am learning a lot about myself, my goals& interests, my strengths& weaknesses, the things that matter to me, and those that don't, the ways I'm typical and the ways I am not even close to typical.
I love. I love Jesus, I love my family, I love people.
I get excited about little things, & sometimes I get so happy about things that other people probably find it ridiculous.

Exhibit A: I love dogs. Anytime a patient brings their dog into the office, I can help but kneel down& hug it, and talk to it in a puppy-voice, and tell it how cute it is. Ridiculous? Maybe. But I just get excited.

Exhibit B: Christmas. Talk to me about Christmas, or about anything that reminds me of Christmas, and you'll see-- you guessed it-- someone as excited as a little kid on Christmas. I can't help it. It's my favorite.

Exhibit C: Surprise coffee/chai deliveries. It's happened a few times at work, and I can't even tell you how happy it makes me. At the thrift store, I remember someone saying, "Wow. It's just coffee." but, to me, it's the gesture that's appreciated. And... I love coffee.

My family means the world to me& I am incredibly loyal to them. I am personally not easily offended, but if someone says something offensive about my family, the gloves come off.


I love people. It completely makes my day to be able to meet someone & have a conversation with them, and to be able to connect with them in some way.

I love football& action movies& can't stand chick flicks& really don't like reality TV at all& need to unwind for awhile after work before I'm ready to talk& socialize [which are typically considered "guy things"]... but I'm such a stereotypical girl in other ways, like being spaghetti-brained& connecting everything somehow, or being able to sit& talk with a friend for 3 hours without even realizing it, and loving to cook& bake& clean& find new recipes, and somehow having a room that is clean& simultaneously messy with clothes piles. Eh. Such is life. I embrace it.


I am a very social person, and my life is full of people& relationships. I enjoy it that way, which is why I lead the lifestyle I do. However, I also very much need time alone, to think, to be quiet, to read, to reflect, to just be. Without it, I go crazy.


I DO NOT LIKE BEING INSIDE. Honestly. When the skies are blue& the sun is shining [and its not 95+ degrees outside], it pains me to be inside. I like being outside when it's sunny& freezing, when it's cold, when it's snowing, & even don't mind the wind, as long as it isn't insanely strong. Pretty much only crazy temperatures, thick humidity, & pouring rain are grounds for staying inside all day.
If I have to be indoors for the majority of the day [like long workdays], it puts me in a funk.
Whether hiking or walking or gardening or playing with the dogs, I need to get outside and enjoy fresh air in order to function and have proper mental clarity.
You think I'm joking.
Come see me when I get out of work at 8pm on a Thursday. It's not a pretty sight.


I am unbelievably stubborn sometimes. Call it what you will... the irresistible force or whatever. It can be a great thing or a very bad thing, depending on the situation. I'm working on it.


I am also very opinionated. Working on that, too. I will always have opinions. Honestly. There isn't anything I can think of that I don't have some sort of an opinion on, whether strong or not. But I am learning that it isn't always right or necessary to share those opinions.
That is only the beginning of "Open Mouth, Insert Foot" Syndrome.
I am trying to be more mindful in the things that I say, whether spoken or written. Just because I have a few blog sites and feel like I can write whatever the heck I want, if I'm just being controversial or opinionated, I'd rather keep my mouth shut until I can handle the discussion in a mature, open-minded way. Does that always work? No. That's why you'll find me deleting things at random.


I would rather do something& learn from my experiences [and, granted, mistakes] than not do it and always wonder, "What if?" Clearly, I'm not talking about doing things that are harmful or stupid... I'm not going to drive 100 mph on the freeway just to experience it [okay, maybe I would... twice... but never again...], or get completely hammered just to know what it feels like. But, as far as experiences, travel, decisions, and sometimes determining that it is, in fact, worth it to stray from my course in order to seize an opportunity in front of me--- I'd rather do it and learn from it, than play it safe and spend the rest of my life thinking, "What would have/could have/should have happened if only...?"
Yeah. Not for me.


As Mark Twain says in the quote on the top of this page, I would much rather explore, dream, and discover. Life is an adventure. And an adventure that I want to take advantage of in every way; to experience to the fullest. I know sometimes I will look back and think, "Well, I would do that differently next time." but I don't want to be paralyzed by fear, stifling God's extraordinary purpose for my life because I'm not willing to jump in with both feet, even if I can't see the bottom.


Lastly [well, not really lastly, but if I really wrote all the things I've been learning about myself, I'd be typing all night. No one wants to read that, and I don't want to write it!], there are SO many things that I've been either introduced to, or that have piqued my interest that I really want to experience. And I won't rest until I have. Call it a bucket list, if you will.

1) I've been skydiving, and I want to go again. It's $200, which is steep for a couple minutes of your life, but it's honestly worth it. Yes, bargain-shopper Natalie says it's worth it.

2) Whitewater rafting. I've never gone, although I've wanted to since I was 14. Mom was scared for my life. Can't say that I blame her, since I've displayed Mr. Magoo characteristics since childhood.

3) Rock climbing. Someone once presented me with the possibility of going, and I was never able to redeem that offer.
Embarrassing yet amusing moment of truth: I've wanted to go rock climbing since I watched The Princess Diaries as a young teen and saw Anne Hathaway climbing a rock wall. Haha. Truth.

4) SCUBA diving. Since I was a 13 year old girl, fascinated by marine life, I've wanted to try scuba diving. Snorkeling is awesome, & beautiful, but SCUBA diving seems to be where the party's at.

5) Maybe I really should just try out for The Amazing Race. Pretty sure they get to do most of those things, or fun activities of this nature on the show. All while running around like crazy, in "It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World" fashion. Sign me up.

I Will Wait.

DISCLAIMER:
Girls, this is the precursor to the "All My Single Ladies" blog I've been promising for several months, but have never written. Sorry for that.
This is a poem by a hip-hop poet named Jannette, from P4CM [Passion 4 Christ Movement]. Several of my friends posted the video on FB, all with captions calling us single ladies to watch it. Seriously. I do not care if you're 14 and single, 25 and single, or 43 and single.
It. Is. Good.
Here is the link, so you can check it out: http://www.worldstarhiphop.com/videos/video.php?v=wshhKd5523f5J4yhgXiD

Below is the script. FANTASTIC. Not all of us can relate to all of these experiences specifically, but I love the heart behind her poetry. No matter what happens... Jesus is Number ONE. Always. Hands down. No contest.

We can trust Him implicitly with our hearts, knowing He has the absolute best for us, His timing is perfect, and His wisdom trumps ours any day.

I have not recently settled for the "kinda sorta right, kinda sorta wrong" kind of guy by any means, but this is a great reminder to keep on keepin' on... To walk forward as Jesus takes me by the hand, enjoying my life with Him, and not allowing all the outside voices& opinions to seep in... You know, those voices that say you're only "someone" if you're in a relationship.
I call BS. B freaking S. Life with Jesus is full, it is joyful, it is exciting& adventurous, and He is enough. A relationship will be great, in His timing, but I don't need one to identify me or to validate me. Jesus did that when He bled& died for me on the cross, and when He raised Himself from the dead and ascended into heaven. On that day, He not only bought us, but He gave us purpose& value.

If I never get married, that value still remains. And if I DO get married, I only want it to be with the right man... The one whom is the best teammate for me, and whom I am the best for. The kind of relationship that displays Jesus' love... in the way he loves me& I love him, and in the way that we individually& collectively love, serve, & follow God, and in the way that we challenge& support each other to become more like Christ, so that we can reflect the relationship between Christ& His bride-- the church-- to those around us. Marriages are beautiful things, but its not about "not being alone", but about being a team who is on mission for Jesus Christ... and what better way to mirror the love of Christ to others, than to put two people together who love& enjoy each other deeply, who work so well together, and who just "fit"?


Aaaaaaaaaaanyway, that was the longest disclaimer known to man, and I think I'm getting ahead of myself& starting my blog, when I just meant to share a link!

Without further ado... Read on. It's way better than what I have to say...



I WILL WAIT.
So it seemed that it was cool for everyone to be in a relationship but me.
so I took matters into my own hands and ended up with him.
Him who displayed the characteristics of a liar, a cheater, an abuser, and a thief.

He had a form of godliness but not much. But hey, I can change him, so I’ll take him… he’s close… enough.


Ready to sell my aorta for a quarter; arteries so clogged with my will that it blocked His will from flowing through me. So I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this heart an attack that flatlined my obscured vision& put me flat on my back. T
hrough my ignorance He saw.
So through my sternum He saw& cracked open my chest to transplant Psalm 51:10, a new heart& a renewed spirit within.

So now I fully understand, better yet, I thoroughly comprehend how much I need to wait for You.

See, the bad thing is that I knew he wasn’t You from the beginning. Because in the beginning was the Word, and he didn’t even sound or shine like Your Son.

But I know you.. you’re already praying for me. Even having never met me, let me assure you, I will wait for you. I will no longer date, socialize, or communicate with carbon copies of you, to appease my boredom or quench my thirsty desire for attention or short-lived compliments from “sorta-kindas”.
You know, “He’s sorta-kinda right, but sorta-kinda wrong.”

I won’t settle for false companionship. I won’t lay in the embrace of his arms, attempting to find some closeness but never feeling so far apart because, “I just wanna be held.”

I will no longer get weighted down by the so-called friend and family talks, concerned about my biological clock, when I serve the Author of time, who is NOT subject to time, but I am subject to Him.
He has the ability to stop, fast-forward, or rewind, at any given time, so if we could role-play, you would be Abraham and I would be Sarah.


Or you could be Jacob and I could be Rebecca, a servant’s answered prayer.
Bone of your bone, and flesh of your flesh, made up of your rib, Adam.
And once we meet, like electrons, I will be bound to your nucleus; completely indivisible, atom.
We even speak the same math! 1+ 1+ 1= 3, which really equals 1, if you add ‘em.


We were all created in His image, but you have the ability to reflect, project, and even detect the Son. If I were to explain what you look like, you would have to look like a star, a son of the Sun.
I would gain energy simply from the light you shine on me. I would need you in order to complete my photosynthesis.
I await your revelation, but once again-- from the genesis-- I will wait… for you.
And I will know you.

Because when you speak, I will be reminded of Solomon’s wisdom. Your ability to lead will remind me of Moses. Your faith will remind me of Abraham. Your confidence in God’s word will remind me of Daniel. Your inspiration will remind me of Paul. Your heart for God will remind me of David. Your attention to detail will remind me of Noah. Your integrity will remind me of Joseph. And your ability to abandon your own will, will remind me of the disciples.
But your ability to love selflessly and unconditionally will remind me of Christ.

But I won’t need to identify you by any special math use or any special marks, ‘cause His word will be tatted all over your heart.

And you will know me. And you will find me. Where the boldness of Esther meets the warm closeness of Ruth. Where the hospitality of Lydia is aligned with the submission of Mary which is engulfed in the tears of praying Hannah. I will be the one drenched in Proverbs 31
… waiting for you.

But to my Father: My Father who has known me before I was birthed into this earth…
Only if You should see fit.
I desire Your will above mine, so even if You call me to a life of singleness, my heart is content with You-- the One who was sent.

You are the greatest love story ever told.
The greatest love ever known.
You are forever my Judge and I am forever Your witness.
And I pray that I’m always found on a mission about my Father’s business.
I will always be Yours.
And I will always wait for You, Lord. More than the watchmen wait for the morning.
More than the watchmen wait for the morning, I will wait.

Be A Childlike Grownup.

I was recently listening to a pastor I love and respect talk about childlike faith and how the Bible teaches us that we need to be like children.
You get this from verses like Matthew 18:3:I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

I was flowing with him. But then I also started thinking about all those verses where we’re told to be mature. Verses like Hebrews 5:13-14:Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature.

That seems a little bit contradictory. We’re supposed to be like children. But we’re also supposed to grow up and be mature. How do we handle this tension?

Here’s where I’ve landed:
Be a childlike grownup.

When it comes to your faith and your prayers, be naïve. Never lose your sense of wonder. Never get to the point where you know better. Always come before God with the belief that He’s your Father and is ready, willing, and able to do anything you need Him to. That the only limit to His power is your ability to believe Him for it.


But when it comes to things like your decisions, your ambitions, and what offends you, be a grownup. Continually increase your responsibility. Continually grow in wisdom. Make sure the development of your character keeps pace with the advancement of your years.

Far too many Christians have equated maturity with what is really cynical unbelief.

Far too many Christians have equated childlike faith with what is really juvenile immaturity.

While increasing in your maturity, never decrease in your faith. Or vice versa.
Do what the Bible tells you. Increase in both.

Be a childlike grownup.


-Steven Furtick


I love this man. He is one of the best pastors I've heard. Check out "Elevation Church/Steven Furtick" on iTunes, or read his book Sun Stand Still, or check out his blog at: http://www.stevenfurtick.com.

Adventure.

Cleaning out a lot of stuff today& organizing all my craft stuff.
Card making supplies, stamps, ink pads, recipe cards, paints& brushes…

Who knew I would come across so many old memories in the process?

Wow. Things can change so drastically in a matter of weeks, months, years.

There are so many things I thought WOULD be happening, that aren’t.
There are so many things I didn’t imagine would be happening, that are.

Life is a trip.

In the midst of all the changes, and unexpected turns of events, I must say that life is an adventure. It is such a growing, learning, shaping experience.

I can’t say I dislike the challenge.
That’s what adventure is, isn’t it?

You don’t always know where you’re going, or where the next turn is, but you follow the map as best as you can, all while flying by the seat of your pants; taking hold of the spontaneity that is allowed when not  following such rigid schedules.

Schedules aren't bad, as long as they allow room to breathe. You know those days where you have an entire day of spring cleaning planned, but then decide to go out& do something fun instead? Or when you have no plans for spring break, but buy a last-minute ticket for a spontaneous trip? Tell me those aren't the best days. Please. I won't believe you.


It’s about taking time to ENJOY yourself, your life, and the people& experiences in it. It’s about doing what you need to do, fulfilling responsibilities, pursuing goals& vision, while not falling into a rut of wake, work, eat, sleep, repeat.
Hard to strike that balance sometimes, but so necessary. It’s possible, you know.

I never want to be identified as a workaholic who is so “busy” that I don’t have time for people, myself, fun, or things that matter more than merely making an income.
Having money isn’t bad, nor is it everything.
Life is about experiencing& enjoying, not merely exisiting.
Stopping to smell the roses, if you will.

I’m really liking this life.
I am truly blessed.
God is so, so good to me.
No matter how uncertain I may be, He is completely confident& aware.

He’s the map. And sometimes He provides a detour, & lets me stray from the course, all while still leading me& having His hand upon me.

I still follow Him, as He leads me further up& farther in, but I don’t have to do things the way everyone else does it, or the way that it’s expected to be done.
I don't have to graduate high school, go to a 4-year university that's close enough to home that I can visit my family every weekend. It's okay to move to Spain for 3 years, figuring out international travel& international living as I go.
I don't have to meet someone by the time I turn 20, get married, and pop out 4 kids before my 25th birthday. It's okay to still be single& waiting on Jesus, allowing Him to be the King that I love& serve& enjoy and not feeling like I'm not good enough because the "someday" that my prince will come hasn't come yet. Obviously there's an important reason for that. :)
Everyone's life has a different course, a different specific purpose, a different timeframe.
I can honestly say that life is good. So, so good.  :)

There is freedom in Christ that allows you to be who you are; who He has created you to be& wants you to be. And I don’t have to be a picture of  “properness”, doing what people tell me is obviously expected of women my age. I can be the adventuresome person I am& want to be-- running& exploring& getting my hands dirty-- not simply sitting behind a desk, or always doing the “safe” thing.

Life with Jesus so much more freeing. He keeps me safe, yet lets me really LIVE.
Experience. Enjoy. Explore. I love that.