My left eye has been twitching for two weeks.
My right eye started twitching yesterday. Haha.
Needless to say, it's been an unexpectedly stressful week, and I'm tired, and I can't bring myself to rest even when I'm NOT "working". The difficult thing about working for your family--- and taking care of another human being--- is that you never really clock out.
You're never really done for the day. You get a knock at the door or a phone call, and you jump up and go check it out. When your grandma calls you at 10pm to come massage her legs& wrap them, you go. When you finally get in bed to go to sleep, you lay awake for at least an hour, thinking, "What am I doing wrong? What could I be doing better? What can I change in order to lessen the problems? Am I doing enough? Should I call the doctor tomorrow? Is it worth it to be seen as the "bad guy" if it's for her health? Why do I feel resented for it?"
Honestly... It's been a crappy week. It's been stressful. Scary. Frustrating.
My grandma fell on Monday morning, getting up to go to the bathroom at 5am. I didn't find out until 9:30, when she woke up. It upsets me, because we are doing EVERYTHING we can [I think] to try to make her room safer, to make the house safer. New handrails, a handicap ramp, wider doorways& walkways, and the fact that I watch her like a hawk.
Then she fell AGAIN the following night. Same situation. She didn't hurt herself, but she bumped the back of her head. For ANYONE, multiple falls or head traumas are not normal or okay. Especially at her age, and including the fact that she has dementia and slight Parkinson's, it's not good.
She doesn't get hurt during the day, which makes me think I'm doing my job. But then late at night or early in the morning, the falls occur. She doesn't call me, because she doesn't want to bother me, or she thinks she doesn't need help. The neurologist says she needs someone in her room/sitting outside, to listen for her trying to get up, and to be there immediately to help her. I obviously can't do it. I can't work all day, and then stay awake all night to listen to her... It's physically impossible to stay awake for 24 hours a day, and I'm pretty sure I'd have a nervous breakdown.
The problem is... Now what? I took her to the neurologist, who told me that because she is a dementia patient, she will ALWAYS fight me. She is in denial that she is sick, she is in denial that she needs help, she is in denial that she can't do things she used to do.
As he said, "Even if you tell her 16 times, she will nod and say, "Yes, okay. I understand. You're right." but it never really sinks in, so the next day she will turn around and do exactly what she knows she isn't supposed to."
That makes me feel better. I've been beating my brain, trying to figure out, "Why doesn't she get it? How can I help her understand these things are all for her own benefit? She is putting herself in danger, and she won't change! That's illogical."
Well, now I know that it's something that is chemically wrong in her brain, that is blocking that sense of understanding and the ability to grasp that reality. The neuro told me that 100% of dementia patients are that way, and that no matter what I do, it will not change her mind. Which means that now I don't need to try to convince her, but that I need to continue doing what I'm doing to ensure her safety.
That's where it gets REALLY hard. Since she doesn't get it, she sees me as the bad guy.
I remind her to use her walker, and I go retrieve it for her when she forgets it. I help her pick up & carry things. I show her how to properly use her walker, how to safely get into & out of the car, etc.
Yes, I'm the bad guy. I'm the one who makes the decisions about taking bulky furniture out of her room, because she is only bumping into it, and it doesn't allow her walker to fit in the walkway. I'm the reason there are workers breaking down half of her bedroom wall right now, and why she is getting a different bed moved into her room.
But I'm seen as the bad guy. My uncles, my mom, my grandpa's caregivers... They're all her "angels".
She calls me the "police".
That's all fine& dandy when it's a new joke, and we all laugh about it occasionally. But when I am never thanked for anything I do, and when I get eye rolls, and when my uncles/others are given a huge, "Ohhhh, THANK YOU! You're my angel! Thanks for all you do!".... well, it's rough. I feel resented.
My grandma wishes she could do everything she used to do. She can't. I'm the one who, sadly, has to enforce those things. I'm the one who takes care of the laundry, in-week house cleaning, errands, etc.
That used to be what my grandma did, but now she physically can't, which is why I'm here. I've taken over the things she can't do, and I help her still do the things she can do.
But because I'm the one with her all the time, the one who knows her better than practically anyone, and the one who watches her like a hawk, I see her needs& I have to fill my mom& uncles in on what the doctors say, or how she's doing, or if she's fallen or not. Basically, part of my job description is to be a tattletale.
And my grandma seems to resent me for it. Part of me struggles with wanting to tell her how I feel.
I'm a communicator. It's one of my biggest strengths& personality traits& hobbies, and it's also something I highly value in all my close relationships.
If you& I are close, it's because we have good communication. If not, there's only so far you can go; so well you can know a person.
For that reason, I want to tell her, "Look. I feel like you resent me, and this is why I do these things: _____________. I do them because you need them, not because I'm trying to ruin your life or take your freedom or rule with an iron fist. I'm doing this because, if I don't, you get hurt. I can't sit back and let that happen."
However, my hands are tied. She has dementia. She is cognitively impaired, thus her reasoning skills are slowly decreasing. For whatever reason, she sees everyone else as her angels& her saviors... and she sees me as her police. And I feel [note: FEEL... Which means I could be wrong, and I will never know unless it's spoken] that she views me as the enemy.
It's really difficult. I value good communication, and strong relationships.
It is my passion to help people, and to anticipate needs& fill them when possible. It is so, so hard to be trying as hard as I can, and doing as much as I think I can do, and feeling like I'M the black sheep. Like I'm unwanted. Like it would be better if I weren't here. Some days I just want to leave. I want to throw in the towel and say, "Hey. You know what? If you hate me being here so much, I'll just leave and make your life a lot easier. Your friends can come help you, if that's what you want."
But I can't do that. And I won't. Even if she doesn't want me, she needs me, and her being alone would be the most dangerous thing for her. I'm leaving soon enough anyway. Moving. But she'll have another caregiver then, and she will be someone whom I personally train for this job.
I've been struggling for months now with this feeling of being unwanted and unappreciated. I have been wanting to feel like I'm truly wanted here, and I've never actually felt that way. God has been showing me that HE appreciates me, that HE loves me, and that HE values me... and that that needs to be enough for me.
It's a recurring lesson in my life, because I still haven't gotten it.
I've been praying& praying& trying to figure out what He's saying to me, and trying to not feel so numb. Because each time I'm offended, and each time my feelings are trampled over [although I know it's done completely unintentionally... it's still not easy], I want to hide. I want to retreat into my little bubble of self-preservation, and I want to block myself off from my family, so they can't hurt me.
BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT JESUS WANTS FOR ME.
In 2 Corinthians, Paul says, "I will gladly spend and be spent for your souls, though the more I love you, the less I am loved."
THAT is what Jesus wants for me.
Jesus stopped at nothing to prove His love to us. He stops at nothing to speak to us, to cherish us, and to forgive us. He sacrificed His own life, and His own reputation, so that He could take on our sins& face the cross& resurrect Himself, so that we could experience an abundant life of LOVE with Him.... as His Bride; as heirs of God.
Sometimes I can get so focused on me. So focused on my life, my feelings, my plans, my stresses& fears& frustrations& confusions.
This week Jesus has been speaking to me powerfully through 2 Peter 3.
Reminding me to be heavenly minded.
I sat for a good 10 minutes this morning, just trying to figure out what I'm FEELING. I literally sat there and said, "Jesus... What do I feel? I don't even know what I'm feeling. I just know I'm feeling out of sorts. I don't feel happy. I don't even feel joyful, and that is not normal for me. I don't feel passion, and that scares me. I feel tired... and I think it's clouding my mind& dulling my senses."
The more I sat, the more I waited& listened, I realized: I feel scared. I'm scared to be the person in charge of my grandma, and knowing that I am responsible for deciding what is best for her health [in the day-to-day stuff]. I got her in last-minute with her neurologist yesterday. I made the decision that she needs a CT scan. I made the appointment for today, and another appointment for a brain scan on Saturday. That scares me.
It scares me so much, that all I can think about or focus on is what's going on today, tomorrow, this week, next week. Doctors. Appointments. Specialists. Medications.
In comes 2 Peter 3... Reminding me to be heavenly minded. To entrust my week, my life, my grandma's life, and all plans& decisions into His hands.
To seek Him for peace. To look to Him for wisdom.
To trust Him enough to rest in Him... not feeling like I have to always be watching my back or waiting for the other shoe to drop.
You know why? Because He's got my back. He is my front guard and my rear shield. He goes before me, preparing my way. He holds me, puts His arm around me, and guides me along the path I'm on. And He simultaneously guards my back, and protects me from unseen attacks from behind. He is trustworthy.
I need to trust Him; to rest in Him. This earth will fade, and this life will cease to exist.
But there's still eternity to think about. There's still heaven to live for; to prepare for.
And I want to get to know Jesus more& more, to truly enjoy Him and live with Him now, and appreciate Him, so that I don't knock on His door one day weeks, months, or years down the road, saying, "Hey... Remember me? Well, yeah, I need something."
My fear does not honor Jesus. It distrusts Him. It suggests that my problems are bigger than His wisdom. That my screw-ups are bigger than His grace. And those are all a bunch of lies from the pit of hell.
Jesus IS big enough. He is enough. He is faithful when I am faithless. He cannot deny Himself.... and I don't ever want to deny Him by my actions& my attempts at self-preservation.
So, you know what? I'm not going to talk to my grandma. She doesn't need to hear something she does not understand, something that will potentially hurt her feelings or add to her confusion.
Just as I do not understand why God does what He does, I don't understand why I feel this way, or why I am treated a certain way. And that's okay. I have to be okay with uncertainty. I have to be okay with trusting the unseen, and falling back on the things I DO know. Knowing Jesus loves me& values me& gave everything for me. Knowing I have the Holy Spirit as my Helper. Knowing God is my Father and loves me more than my dad does, which boggles my mind. Knowing I don't have to feel good/appreciated/valued in order to still honor God with my actions, to honor my grandparents, and to do things out of love& compassion, regardless of how I feel.
Besides, I don't operate out of an element of love that is propelled & supplied by my family's love. I love because Jesus loved me first. I want to be kind, meek, and gentle, because that is who He is, and that is what is pleasing in His sight.
I can love because the Source I draw from is a well that has no end.
I do not do what I'm doing primarily for my grandma, but for God first. And if He is my purpose for serving& loving others, than people's measurement of my worth should have no effect on me.
Sadly, it does. But I'm seeking& learning what it means to please God rather than to please people.
And I guess this is Lesson #1. It hurts, but I know that any pain is for a greater purpose. Just as it hurts like hell when a doctor resets a broken leg. It's for the purpose of realigning the bones so that they can grow correctly& in a way that will heal completely, so the leg will still be useful& able to bear weight, and able to move freely so we can actively participate in life.... Walking, running, jumping, climbing, bending.
I'd much rather have 10 minutes of pain from resetting a bone than to have an injured or unusable leg for the rest of my life.
In that perspective, I must remember that these are light afflictions. Temporary. Difficult, but short. And if they're for the purpose of making me more like Jesus, showing me to love like Him, giving me a heart that is soft& **malleable, compassionate, strong, and resilient.... Well, then, it's worth it.
...Somebody, please remind me of this next week. And the week after that, and the week after that.
I'll need it.
**malleable:
1) Able to be hammered or pressed permanently out of shape without breaking or cracking.
2) Yielding.
3) Flexible.
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