Conviction.

In all our frustration or heartache over the godlessness of this world, may we not ourselves behave in a way that is anti-Christian.

It's good, and right, and healthy to hate sin, to hate evil, and to hate the darkness that is brought about when people "do what is right in their own eyes" like in the book of Judges.

However, to counteract sin or lawlessness with hatred, anger, stupid amounts of gossip & slander, condescension, piety, or self-righteousness is also wrong.

Jesus is love. He is the very epitome& definition of love. He is the culmination of love, patience, kindness, truth, and honesty. He doesn't mince words, nor did He ever mince words when He walked this earth as a Man.

He spoke very poignantly at times, but always with love. He called out sin, He brought attention to areas that needed to be grown, changed, or altogether removed. But may we remember that HE IS GOD.

He has an authority that we as humans will never have. Sure, we have the calling from Him to share His truth with others, but He tells us to speak the truth in LOVE. To not sacrifice truth because we're trying to "smooth things over" or make difficult conversations easier to swallow---
But also not to sacrifice love for the sake of being right, or proving a point, or making an example of someone.

The first call we have for our leaders is to PRAY. I hate politics. I hate election season. But I know that it is my God-given right to vote, and I WILL vote, according to what I believe most accurately reflects the Bible and morals, and by which decision I believe will best honor God.
However, I've had to stop talking about politics almost entirely, because if I talk about it, I feel like I adopt this sense of apathy, hopelessness, or anger. Righteous anger is good, IF it leads to something that glorifies God. Still, how often do we hide behind the idea that our anger is "righteous", yet never do anything about it? Never pray about it. Never seek God on it. Never ask God to remove the anger [however righteous it may be], or at least to replace it with an attitude or action that will bring Him back into primary focus?


I don't know. I don't want to get into political debate or point fingers. I'm just as guilty as scoffing& poking fun at our government and it's leaders, but I don't want to be okay with that.
I believe Jesus, if He were sitting right next to me as I complain about "the lesser of two evils", would tell me, "Let's pray. Right now. Let's pray for them, and ask God to cover this."


So... That's what I am going to choose to do now.
God is not a God of condescension or cruel conversations, therefore, if I am endeavoring to imitate Him, I shouldn't consider that acceptable for myself.
MAN. I'm humbled.



DISCLAIMER: Also, I will say [lest anyone think I'm speaking of a specific person], my "California pastor" [Steve] is someone who does a great job of presenting the facts of the election, facts about each of the candidates, and giving insight as to who would be the best vote for Christians, with our desire to honor God in our vote, although there are no Christian candidates. In case any of you think I'm speaking of him, with all his political posts, I am NOT. He's someone whose opinion I respect. Just wanted to put that out there.

Ch-ch-changes.

SO.

There's a lot going on in life right now.
A lot of variables.
A lot of decisions.
A lot of potentially new seasons.

AGAIN. I know, right? I mean, I just moved to Colorado exactly 4 months ago.
New state, new house, new roommates, new church, new job.

New life.


And, now... things might be changing again. Who knows? All I know is that living situation NEEDS to change... The whys are obvious, but the hows and whens are beyond me.

Through all of life's adventures, changes, uncertainties, and sometimes-dim-sometimes-bright paths, God is speaking to me so clearly to REST in Him, and to TRUST Him. God is truth, He is love, He is peace, and He is security. He is beauty, He is joy, He is worth, and He is worthy to be praised. He is worthy to be trusted, and to be taken at His word.

I say so often that I trust God, and that I believe Him... yet, sometimes I find myself limiting Him in my mind.
It is so ridiculous that I sometimes doubt Him, or I find His promises too good to be true, or I find His plans hard to believe. I can too easily forget that God is MIGHTY, and that His thoughts and plans are higher and bigger than mine. I cannot put Him into a box, and may I never dare to try.


God has been speaking to me so clearly lately, and breaking open the walls& fences I've had in my life. Walls& fences that have been part of my self-preservation instincts, when I worry that I'm going to be hurt, or forgotten, or overlooked. God is reminding me--- daily; consistently--- that I don't need to struggle to protect myself, because my safety and security in Him are details that are dear to His heart.

I mean, He's my DAD. My own dad will go to any length to be sure I'm taken care of... even at 26, he still sees me as his baby, and he always will. If my dad loves me, cherishes me, and cares for me... how much more does my eternal, perfect Father do those things?


I'm such an oxymoron sometimes. I have said before--- and I mean it 100% when I say it--- that I don't want a "safe" life. I don't want a standard life, or a cookie-cutter life, or an American dream life. Sometimes I can get caught up in those things. All too often, actually [read my 2 previous blogs for reference]. I can be distracted by the shiny things of this world, by the home decor stores, and the Pampered Chef catalogs. I can look at things that other people have and think, "Wow... wouldn't it be convenient if I had that, too?"

But, truly... It wouldn't. Not that having things--- even nice things--- is "bad" by any means.
Not at all. God blesses people with every type of blessing, including possessions or monetary gifts.
He wants us to be good stewards of ALL the gifts He gives us [spiritual or physical] so that we can be good examples, and give a good testimony for His glory. So having things is not bad.


It's IDOLIZING them that is sin. And, while I like nice things, I don't necessarily want them. I don't want to build my life around them. I don't want to be tied to them, or devastated when I lose them. I don't want to live the American dream. I don't want my life to be about my career, or my salary, or my education, or my degree, or having the perfect house in a little cul-de-sac Stepford community.

I like school. I want to finish, and pursue a career.
I have a job. I want to do it well, learn more, and move up.
I live in a house. I want it to be clean, and well-decorated, and hospitable.


But I don't want to be DEFINED by those things. I don't want to place my identity in them. Ever.
While I want to accept the gifts and acknowledge the blessings God has given me, I don't want to turn those blessings into my god. You know what I mean?


Life is not about things. Life is about Jesus. Life IS Jesus. Jesus IS life, and the source of life, and the giver of eternal life. Life is made possible only because Jesus died for the sins of mankind: past, present, and future. Life is worth living only because of Jesus, and because of His worth. His character. His sacrifice for us, and the great commission He sends us out to fulfill.
Life is a blessed opportunity to know the Redeemer of our souls, to love Him, to enjoy Him, to be enamored by Him, to be in awe of His worth, to be humbled by His glory& grace, and to live in such a way that communicates His love, forgiveness, and purpose to everyone we ever come in contact with.
To lead others into the grace& knowledge& acceptance of who Christ is, and why He deserves our undivided hearts & lives.


That is what life is about. Britt Merrick once said in a podcast, "The goal of my life is to enjoy Jesus forever." I love that. It's like my mantra now. If my life's goal is to enjoy Jesus, I WILL.
It is impossible to know Jesus, to be in a close relationship with Him, and to not enjoy Him.
In turn, if I am enjoying Him with every atom of my being, I will be making Him known to others, and talking about Him, bragging about Him, and pointing others to Him, just out of sheer love.
That's what lovers do. They share... they talk... they share their love story to anyone within earshot.


That's why I say I don't want or need a safe life. I don't want mediocre. I don't want standard.
I absolutely NEVER want boring. I want adventure, excitement, unknowns, faith, passion, vision.
The great paradox of it all is that, even in a life that defies "the norm" or "standards", I am inherently safe. I can live a life that is full of risk and adventure, because my King is the great "I AM", and He is my security. He is my shield.


I can move to Colorado on my own, leave my entire family& all of my best friends, and move to a state where I know one person... and be safe in Him.
Even more than that, I can move anywhere in the world-- or travel to other countries-- and not fear, because He is with me.


A friend asked me last weekend, "Do you think you'll ever leave Colorado?"

I know I just got here 4 months ago. I have no current plans to move out of the state.
But, honestly, I think I probably will leave Colorado someday. Maybe sooner than later.
Maybe not for  20 years. What I told them was, "Well... probably. Maybe someday. I never really seem to stay in one place very long. God moves me around a lot, and I'm okay with that."


As a woman-- and maybe especially because I'm a single woman-- there is a desire in a sense to settle down. Like I said, I've moved a lot. In the last 3.5 years, I have moved 3.5 times. It seems like every year, something new is happening, and I'm leaving again. I moved from Spain back to California. Then I moved to LA. Then I moved back to Yucca for a month, and then I moved to Colorado.


Part of me HATES that. The responsible part. The part that thinks, "This is going to look terrible on a job resume. It looks as if I'm this irresponsible, flighty person who won't be a dependable employee." However, it's the people-pleaser side of me that is embarrassed by that.
The regular-Natalie side of me is okay with it. I know that I've had very specific reasons to move each time... Like ending my internship/job in Spain. Or moving to LA to be my grandma's full-time caregiver. Or moving to Colorado because God simply said, "Go."

As much as I think it would be cool to settle down someday, I'm not sure that I ever will. With a personality like mine, I'm totally fine with God saying, "Alright. Change of plans. Now I want you to go to _________________."  And who knows what will happen? Who knows where God will lead me? Who knows where life will find me next year, in 5 years, in 10 years?

I just want to be flexible. To be settled in Jesus, even if it doesn't mean that I get to pick the perfect picket-fence encircled house and live there for the next 60 years of my life.
To be yielded to Jesus, FULLY TRUSTING HIM, and knowing that if He is leading, it's for a very specific, clear purpose. It is not my job to question Him [as I've done more times than I'd like to admit], but a privilege to be led by Him, to follow Him, and to trust Him for each step.


Right now while possibilities& potential plans are swirling around in my head, I know I need to wait. To rest in Him. To not be so gung-ho to make plans and try to figure things out, but to seek Him with ALL that I am in prayer and in His word. To listen, listen, and listen again.
To remember that He knows all things from beginning to end, He knows my life, He knows what will happen in 10 years from now, let alone a few months from now. And to press in to Him, to let Him lead me further into His presence, and to grab hold of His hand as I live in the simplicity of His call for me. To know Him, to be known by Him, and to make Him known,


I. Am. Content.
How could I not be?
Jesus is everything... far more than I ever could have dreamed of, and more fulfilling than my deepest need. 

Passions.

It is truly mind-boggling how much God will speak when He has a listening ear.

There have been times in my life when I've thought that God was far from me, that He didn't care about what was happening in my life, and that He would not hear or answer me.
There were several dark months, when I questioned His love for me, and foolishly & unfairly asked Him, "Why? If You love me, why would you let this happen? If You really care for me, why wouldn't you intervene in that situation? If You're as invested in my life as You say You are, why won't You speak to me?"


Finally... after months of estrangement from my own Heavenly Father, I surrendered, and He broke my heart in ways more beautiful than I can describe. I had been blinding myself, because I had held on so tightly to MY desires. My passions. What I thought was best for my life. What I thought I wanted.

As God broke down the walls I'd built to keep Him& others out, as He broke the lies in my mind that I'd believed, and as He broke the desires I'd created& wished so badly to also be His desires for me... I finally saw. I was humbled to the dust and struck to the center of my being, like an arrow through the heart. I literally felt aching in my heart, realizing how selfish and unbelieving I had been. Noticing that I had accused God for hurting me, when in all actuality, He was protecting me, and guarding me.

Luckily, the ache in my heart didn't last for long. Almost simultaneously, I was overwhelmed by His grace. By the realization that the God of the universe loves me. Me. That He sacrificed everything in sending Jesus to die for me. That He desires to speak to me, to listen to me, for me to know Him, recognize the sound of His voice and the whispers of His spirit. That He loves me with a perfect, gracious, merciful, forgiving, redeeming love.

It's such a beautifully overwhelming experience to realize that I am nothing, but that Jesus is everything, and that His identity in me makes me precious and acceptable in the sight of God. That Jesus intercedes for me in prayer, and opens the path through which I can approach God... No knocking on doors, no appointments required. I can go boldly to His throne, at any possible second.


So... Getting to the point. I'm seriously dense.
Life is a roller-coaster. But God is unchanging. Therefore, I should have my feet firmly planted on the foundation that is Jesus Christ, and be confident & immovable in Him, because of His strength and ability that I can grab hold of.

However... I am human. I have lapses in judgment, fears, worries, stresses, and moments where I darn near seem to lose my mind and start living for everything but Jesus. I know that God knows I am not perfect, and I know that while I live on this earth and have a human body & finite mind, I will struggle with sin, imperfection, faithlessness, and failure. Jesus reminds me... Even when I fail, I am not a failure. That is not my identity. My identity is hidden in Christ with God, and I am secure in Him. I just don't share the perfection that He is. YET.
That will not happen on this earth, but it will happen in the next.

That being said, it is incredibly frustrating to realize that I am sometimes so thick-headed that I have to learn the same lessons over...and over... and over again. Maybe that's just part of humanity. Maybe I'm not yielding enough. Maybe I'm too proud & confident in my own thoughts, ideas, and human "wisdom". Maybe I need to cross out all those "maybe's" and just face the facts that all those statements are true. I think too highly of my own opinion at times, and that fact is made very clear when I begin pursuing things that God CLEARLY would never want for me. I think, "Oh, this? No, this isn't bad. This is even good, in some ways. Watch, I'll figure it out. It's going to be just fine. You'll see."


As if I need to explain to God what the next turn-of-events will look like. He KNOWS. And that's why He says, "Nat... Don't do it. This isn't a good idea. It's not my best for your life. It's simply a distraction to pacify you while you wait... because you're impatient."

YEAH. When I listen, God tells it like it is. Straight up. He shoots me straight, and I love that about Him. He is perfectly honest, perfectly concerned, perfectly loving. But He won't mince words. Especially because I like bluntness, and He knows the best way to communicate with me.


For quite a long time, I've thought that I've known what I want in life. What I'm looking for. The job, the career, the location, the type of man, the future house, the area of community involvement.

The truth is: I don't. I know I want Jesus. I want more of Him in my life. I want to know Him more, to be known by Him, to be so in tune with Him that I walk in step with Him: never ahead, yet never too far behind. I know that I want to communicate continually with my Lord, through the Bible, through prayer, and through the leading of the Holy Spirit. I want to recognize His voice at the first word, just like I can recognize my best friend's voice with a simple "hey!"

I don't want to be too busy for Him, or too consumed in my idea of life's hierarchies and matters of importance. I don't want to be too busy to help a person whom He gives me the opportunity to serve, or to be so consumed in the details of my own life that I overlook the concerns of another.
I don't want to be so caught up in my human idea of life, love, and the pursuit of happiness-- acting as if work, finances, possessions, plans, or even family& "organized church ministry"-- are the most important things in life.

The most important thing in life is Jesus. Knowing Him, loving Him, serving Him, enjoying Him, and making Him known... Communicating His love, grace, forgiveness, and redemption to a world of people who have not yet met Him. Living my life by the Great Commission. Endeavoring to go forth, to make disciples, to teach in His name, and to baptize. To lift Him high so that JESUS is the focal point, never me, and never anything but Jesus.

I'm reading a book right now called Jesus + Nothing= Everything. The main premise of the book is that Jesus, and Jesus alone is EVERYTHING. God alone is ALL that we need. Any theologies that teach "Jesus plus __________" are false, and are teaching idolatry. There are many things in this world and in our lives that are good, even wonderful. However, if we place too much value in them, and are undone when we lose those things, it's clear that they have become our idols.


For me, my idols have been family. Friends. Comforts of home. Familiarity. Companionship.
When I left California, I left my family, whom I am incredibly close to. I left nearly all my best friends. I left my home, my job, my church. Ultimately, I left a place where everything had become easy for me; simple; convenient. There were challenges at times, sure... Like the year that I lived in LA as my grandma's caregiver. That was a huge challenge. But, overall, life was easy there. It felt as though everything was at the tip of my fingers. When I moved to Colorado, I lost all those comforts & conveniences.

Suddenly I had to WORK at everything. I had to put in effort. Time. Patience. Energy.
New house, new roommates, new neighborhood, new freeways, new church, new job, new people. SO. Many. New. People.
Instead of being the hometown girl where everyone knew my family, and I'd been at the same church for 15+ years, I was brand new. The new girl. And I'm GLAD.
I needed the challenge. I needed to be removed from my comfort zone. I needed [and continually need] to be challenged in my character, and to allow those discomforts to further refine& shape me. I needed to be thrown out of a life where things were rapidly becoming complacent. I needed to come back to reality.
To FEEL. To live. To think. To suddenly be removed from everything I'd ever known.
To be ALONE. And lonely.

Loneliness SUCKS. It really, truly does. However, being alone can be a good thing. If you know me, you know I LOVE PEOPLE. I love meeting new people, getting to know people, being around people, hearing their stories, learning about their passions, interests, goals, and ideas. People fascinate me, and make me come alive. I should be an anthropologist, except I'd rather do it naturally and not learn it in a classroom.

STILL... For me-- Natalie, the social butterfly/people-lover-- being alone has been a good thing. It has caused me to step back, take a cold, hard look at my life, and realize where I've been lacking.
Found wanting. Living on autopilot. Taking the easy route. Justifying my thoughts & actions. Realizing where my passions, contentment, and fulfillment have been residing.

Let me tell you what... It hasn't been pretty. It's been ugly, and sobering, and humbling, and shocking. Even to me... and it's my life. How quickly I can justify something, or start to slowly, almost imperceptibly change my standards and responsibilities and priorities.


And, you know what? I'm just gonna say it. It's like this: I'm a 26 year old single woman. I want to get married. Someday. But I don't plan on just marrying the first guy that comes around talking about putting a ring on my finger. If that were the case, I'd already be hitched.
I don't want to have unfair expectations, or to EVER make a list of what Mr. Dreamboat must have. I don't care if he has a fancy car or a beat up scooter. I don't care if he has a prestigious career or is a maintenance man [Shout out to my daddy! Best maintenance man in the history of hardworking maintenance men!]. I don't care if he has green eyes, brown eyes, blond hair, or no hair.
Obviously I know what I'm attracted to. But I also know that looks fade, unemployment happens, and cars break down.Those things are not essential. They are not priority.

What is priority is a man who knows, loves, seeks, and fears the Lord. A man who knows His voice, who reads His word, who communicates with Him. A man who isn't afraid to worship in public, or to invite into our home a person who is down& out and in need of a loving environment.
A man who is a hard-worker, has integrity, who holds himself to a high standard, and who will also hold me to a high standard. I need to be challenged& put in check sometimes... So a man who is willing& able to do that is a must. A man whom I can connect with, with whom I share values, interests, and vision... Someone whom I can come alongside and serve with, like a team who loves people into the kingdom of God.

Sometimes I look around and realize that most people I know [and the majority of them being younger than me] are married. Some have children. Some are neither married, nor parents, but are in relationships that are leading to one or both. Then there's me. Single Natalie, the 26 year old whom people think is 21... Maybe they think I'm young because I don't look my age. Maybe they think I'm young because I'm not married yet. I have no idea. Doesn't matter.

Regardless, just because I'm 26 and single, and people seem to look at me as though I'm not yet "whole" because I'm unmarried, it's okay. Society puts pressures on women to get married& have children by the age  of 30. I'm heading that way, and still don't even have a relationship on the horizon. And that's okay. God has been speaking to me so much lately about WAITING.
About not trying to fill my mind or my thoughts with the expectations others have for my life, but on simply fixing my eyes on Jesus, acknowledging Him as the primary and eternal love of my life; my Husband. Loving Him the way He deserves, and accepting the love He gives me, so I can in turn share that with others.

When you're in love, you're a much nicer, more enjoyable person to be around. I'm in love with the Man who is the epitome of authentic love, therefore my life should look different than it does. The way I treat people, value them, and consider them should be significantly better. Not that I'm a failure or that God is unhappy with me. He just constantly renews me and wants to sharpen me and remake me, so that I better reflect His image.


My passions have recently been skewed. The job, the title, the workforce tasks, the house, the goals, the future plans, etc. I have been distracted by MY own human passions.
I don't want to be that woman. I don't want to be living life for myself, as though I'm the most important role in my life, or even the main character. I want Jesus to be the focus, because HE is the Author & Perfector of my faith. I want Him to remake me.

And to focus on nothing but what He has for me each day. And every day, that is going to look different. I just want to be flexible and yielded to Him, seeking out daily what He would have me participate in, whom He would have me talk to, and the reactions He would desire for me to have to life's changes. Yup. Nothing else matters. All of life is subject to the umbrella effect, and as long as Jesus is in the #1 place in my heart, life, and mind, then priorities are set, and priorities are healthy.

Thankful.

WOW.
I'm just incredibly thankful. God is seriously so good to me.

I don't know how it happens, but I just meet the nicest people. It's like God just opens invisible doors in my path and is like, "Hey, Nat... Check it out... I'm going to have you bump into some super friendly people today."

I moved here to Colorado about 3.5 months ago. Immediately, I met people at a small church called Calvary Community. Such loving, friendly, hospitable, godly people. Literally the first day I visited the church, there were several people welcoming me, talking to me, befriending me.
I was blown away at how "at home" I felt, after a mere week of arriving in Colorado.

After a month of being here, I finally got a job at a chiropractic office. My bosses& I hit it off the very first time we met, at my initial interview. Once I got hired, I met TONS of new patients [new to me, at least]. Again, I've been amazed at how incredibly nice these people are.
Sure, there are some who aren't particularly friendly, outgoing, or bubbly... But they're still kind. Or at least polite. People who know I'm new to the state are constantly giving me tips& recommendations on fun things to do, areas to visit, good mechanics, tips for cold winters, gluten-free recipes. It's the best.


About a month ago, I started going to a young adults' Bible study at another church in the city. The first time I went, a girl [Ashleigh] invited me to sit with her and then introduced me to a bunch of her friends. Several people went out of their way to talk to me, welcome me, and get to know me.
It's so different than what I'm used to. I'm used to being the welcomer, so being on the receiving end is entirely different for me. I went to a church in LA that had incredible teaching, but I couldn't get past the fact that people never talked to me. Ever. Even when I'd try to make conversation... Nothing. Tim Chaddick talked often about community, and the community group I went to was full of some seriously great people... but Sundays were so hard to connect.

I went to Bible study that night without any real expectations--- but when I realized that I was shocked at the friendliness of the people, I noticed I was subconsciously expecting my experience here to be similar to the church in LA... especially in today's young adult culture. I'm glad that I was wrong.

Today, I went to church, and randomly started a conversation with a girl in the parking lot as we walked toward the church building. She invited me to sit with her, and we talked for a little while afterward, when I invited her to that young adults' study.

Even the baristas at Starbucks were asking how my day has been, and what I did this weekend, and how the hockey game was... Total strangers. Just... NICE.
The stylist who cut my hair today was the friendliest stranger I've met in awhile, and we talked the entire time she was cutting my hair.

It's so crazy--- but I guess I shouldn't be surprised--- that during the times that I'm feeling the most homesick, and wishing I could be a short drive away from my family and friends, God opens my eyes to see all the wonderful people around me.

I mean... I will NEVER stop wanting to be in California with my most loved ones, but that doesn't mean that I can't enjoy myself here, and love new people, and make new friends, and enjoy the process of getting to know others and living alongside them. I DO love it here, and I do love the people here. Friends, church family, strangers... People are just impossibly kind to me. And I'm so, so thankful that God loves me so much that He sends all these opportunities into my life to meet new people and share my life with others.

I am truly blessed.