Journal Entry.
[These get candid, so don't judge.]
God, my emotions betray me. one minute i'm fine, feeling okay, feeling strong, feeling like i can take on the world. thirty minutes later, i'm feeling weak, feeling overwhelmed, thinking i'm in over my head, feeling inadequate& friendless, or not really feeling much of anything at all.
truth is: i'm a very emotional person. i just never really saw it that way before.
i always considered "being emotional" as someone who cries easily, gets upset easily, is offended easily, or who is just very dramatic & problematic.
but that is one-sided. an emotional person is someone who expresses, feels, or communicates a lot of emotion, good or bad.
i, natalie aceves, am an emotional person!
i experience & communicate& express emotion A LOT.
i become easily excited, i am easily amused, i love to laugh& laugh with others. i like to listen to others, to be a source of support or reliability. i like to cry with others& feel with others. i like to connect with others, whether spiritually or through mutual experiences, similar opinions& thought processes, or through mutual interests-- and all of those things require some type of emotional connection, however slight it may be!
i THRIVE on newness, challenges, excitement, spontaneity-- and i'm suddenly living in a house with people who live by tradition, habit, and routine. i'm used to being with several different people over the span of a couple of hours, let alone a couple of days! i'm not used to going to 3 doctor's appointments in one day, followed by a chill day, followed by a hospital day, followed by more appointments... and all this from a girl who hates going to the doctor!
this is SO, 100% different for me and so not "me" in any way, shape, or form. i realize You're telling me, "life is not about you, natalie, or about always doing what you want to do, when you want to do it."
even though that's a tough pill to swallow, THANK YOU for that reminder!
i so absolutely, sincerely need to learn this, and not only to know it in my head, but to actualize it in my heart, my actions, & my ambitions!
i need to realize now that i am not, nor have i ever been, nor will i ever be the center of the universe.
the world revolves around You, and You hold it together, and You keep it. as if hung by a string over the darkness, poised to fall. my God, i am not--- but You are!
i am not the point. i am not the focus. i am not the goal. i am not the center. i am not the princess.
i. am. NOT.
...but You ARE! You are the goal. You are the point. You are the focus. You are the center. You are the King. You are the Beginning, and You are the End. You are the Author& You are the Perfector.
You are the ability and You are the accomplishment.
You are the reason and You are the goal. You are, Lord... You ARE.
this is a tough lesson to learn. it's difficult. it's frustrating.
it is unnatural for my selfish, self-preserving nature to accept.
but it is true & it is necessary.
teach me, God.
teach me to love. to TRULY love as You do, putting others first, no matter what that means for me or my ideas& plans.teach me to be gracious; to want to show patience& kindness& selflessness to others and not be so focused on my ideas of entitlement.
i just want to be more like Jesus in every aspect of my life. i want to be selfless& compassionate; to think of others' needs before my own. to offer everything i have and everything i am to YOU, and to trust You to lead me in how to live my life, how to serve others as if i'm doing it directly for You-- because i am-- and to enjoy what it means to be like Jesus& to love like Him; not to dread it or to see it as a "be careful what you wish for thing", like when people say it's a bad idea to pray for patience.
it's hard, yeah. but, God... GIVE ME PATIENCE. it's a rough prayer to pray, and an even more difficult habit to adopt, but life without patience is so much more challenging, and it's miserable.
so, God, please do Your thing. i trust You.
"i'm told that You hold all things and, without You, that i'd cease to be. You don't just hold me-- You hold me together."
give me strength. teach me patience. show me to love as You do, and to have a generous heart that reflects Yours... i want to not only be generous with my money, belongings, or resources, but to be generous with my attention, my time, my energy, and my love.
i trust You, Father. i'm in Your hands, therefore i'm in the best hands. please help me out. i know You will. You always have, and You will never leave me hanging.
THANK YOU, Lord! i love You.
Read SLOWLY. And repeatedly. That's the only way this got through to me as powerfully as it did. It made me bawl like a baby. God knows what I need. Always.
He has created& fashioned& intricately made and designed my heart... He considers all my works. He knows my plans and makes& breaks them as He sees fit, like any awesome, involved, caring Father would.
Let all the earth fear the LORD;
Let all the inhabitantsof the world stand in awe of Him.
For He spoke, and it was done;
He commanded, and it stood fast.
The LORD brings about the counsel of the nations to nothing,
He makes the plans of the peoples of no effect.
The counsel of the LORD stands forever;
The plans of His heart to all generations.
Blessed is the nation whose God is the LORD,
The people He has chosen as His inheritance.
The LORD looks down from heaven;
He sees all the sons of men,From the place of His dwelling He looks on all the inhabitants of the earth,
He fashions their hearts individually.
He considers all their works.
-Psalm 33:8-15
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Reality.
Wow. So, I'm moving in 6 days.
These last 3 weeks have flown by like a whirlwind.
Busy workdays, not so busy workdays, errands, hanging out with my best girls, house-sitting for the Huethers while they were in Idaho, trying to maintain our entire house the following week while my parents were on a cruise, & trying to just stop and pause and think and process and reflect and spend time with Jesus and figure out what the heck I'm doing, what to expect, and what His vision is for my life.
I tell you: Whirlwind.
Honestly? I'm getting nervous. Wait. No. I've been nervous. I just haven't really expressed it to anyone in depth yet. I'm not afraid to move. But I am intimidated.
My entire world is about to change. Not that I'm not used to it. This is the third time this has happened in the last few years.
The first time was when I left home/America/my family to move to Spain to work at Mallorca Bible School when I was 19 years old.
The second time was when I moved from Spain back to California when I was 22. In 2 and 1/2 short years, Spain became my home, and the people at Mallorca Bible School& Santa Ponsa Community Church became my family. Leaving was harder than I ever imagined it would be, and I can't say that I didn't leave there without looking back several times, second-guessing myself, and wondering "what if?".
However, I got over the culture shock [3 months later, but, hey, 1 month of culture shock& "homesickness" per year I was in Spain isn't bad, right?], grew somewhat accustomed to living in America again, and became involved with my church as a youth leader, got a job, changed jobs twice, made friends-- some of the best friends I've ever had in my life-- started taking classes at CMC, started volunteering at the Way Station, and just really learned to live here& enjoy it.
And... Now I'm leaving again. I guess it's about time, though, right? I mean, it seems like I move every 3 years or so. Here, nearly 3 years after moving back to Yucca, I'm moving again. Luckily, I'm only moving a couple hours away [Okay, let's face it. Three hours with LA traffic].
I'm aware of the challenge this will be. But what intimidates me is that, although I'm trying to prepare myself with what to expect-- I have no idea what to expect.
I can't read a textbook & learn everything before I go.
First of all, there just isn't the time.
Second of all, my grandpa is not a textbook. He is a person and, while dementia, diabetes, and other problems can be found in books, nothing can tell me specifically how things will be with him except for living with my grandparents and learning& seeing those things from firsthand experience.
I've gotten a lot of feedback regarding my move to LA. I love hearing people's opinions and perspectives, because there is so much to learn from people. Still, it bums me out when people are so quick to cast harsh opinions, simply because they are unwilling to see life from a different perspective, or to think outside the box.
Yeah, I understand that moving is a big deal. I'm aware that nearly EVERYTHING in my life is going to change. New city, new home, new surroundings, new job, new friends, new church, new hobbies... even new grocery stores& coffee shops-- the places I frequent most!
But it's just kind of a bummer when people are quick to pity me simply because I'm moving.
I talked to some ladies the other day who said, "Oh.... Wow...... Well, I'm sure that will be good for them." It wasn't so much what they said as how they said it... With disdain. I'd expect more from "older women in the faith", but the truth is: What I'm doing is kind of seen as crazy. I guess.
When the thought very first crossed my mind to move& care for my grandparents, I sent an email to several of my closest, non-local friends, asking them to pray. I was even so bold as to ask them to not give me their opinions, because my mind was already swirling with about 500 "what ifs?". Luckily, I know these friends well enough to know that they wouldn't be offended by my request, but that they would indeed hit their knees and pray for me, and pray for God's will. That was the strongest, most immediate, most comforting support I received. And thank God I told them before I broke the news to anyone else, because their encouragement really stuck with me in the midst of people telling me that moving wasn't a good idea.
I am so, so, so thankful to have the most amazing friends in God's green earth.
Seriously. I don't know how I lucked out, but God has given me the absolute best family, and the most awesome friends. I'm a privileged girl.
And now I'm facing facts. I'm moving in 6 days. And a lot of the constants in my life will change.
And I'm intimidated and nervous and I think way too much. About everything.
Will I actually be a support to my grandparents? Will I be worth it? Will I know what I'm doing? Will I learn what to do? Will they appreciate me being there or think I'm just an added weight? What if I totally blow it& am a sucky caregiver? Why did I think I would be a good candidate for the job, since I have no prior experience? Too bad I never took nursing classes. Will I become a hermit? What if they don't like what I cook? How& where will I be able to meet new people and get involved in the community? Which church will I go to? Am I really ready to see my faults: my impatience, my over-independence, my frustration? How will I learn these things quickly& privately enough so that I don't ever hurt or offend my grandparents? Why can't I just snap my fingers and be immediately more like Jesus?
TOO. MANY. THOUGHTS.
I am reminded that being intimidated by my plans& my life cause me to run to Jesus& fall on my knees before Him. Intimidation causes me to realize, "My God-- I am not, but You are."
He IS. And because Jesus died to save me& to send the Holy Spirit to move through me, I am able to do this.
I can do all things-- literally everything-- through Jesus, because He gives me strength.
His grace is enough, and His strength is made perfect when I'm weak.
The Bible tells me to look to Jesus, who is the Author& Finisher of my faith. He has begun it, He will perfect it, and He will see each purpose/goal/plan to completion.
I'm a perfectionist. That means that I want to be perfect, & I'm disappointed in myself when I'm not.
But I'm not perfect. Never have been; never will be. The truth hurts. Haha.
That doesn't surprise God. He knows I'm not perfect, because He knows I'm not Him. While I will never, ever be perfect [or even close] while I'm alive on this earth, Jesus is the goal.
The goal is to see Him for who He is, to get to know Him better, to fall in love with Him, and to be more like Him.
The goal is to think of others' needs first so I can stop thinking about myself and what I want so dang much.
The goal is to be a woman who fears God, who lives with integrity, who acts& speaks with kindness, who is honest& loyal& who enjoys life because enjoying Jesus is paramount.
"I can't tell you exactly what your Page 23 vision will look like. Even if I could, I wouldn't.
Doing so would cheat you out of the opportunity to know Christ more deeply. Discovering God's vision for your life is one of the primary ways God teaches you about His character.
Seizing His big purpose for your life is not just about figuring out what God wants from you& getting down to business.
It's also about becoming intimately acquainted with who Jesus is.
It's about mining the depths of who you are in Him.
And, out of that revelation, you will fulfill the purpose that He put you on the earth to fulfill.
Accomplishing the impossible is all about seeing the invisible."
-Steven Furtick; Sun Stand Still: Page 23 Vision.
"I AM the vine, you are the branches.
He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing."
-Jesus
So, I'm trusting Jesus. I'm trusting that His strength is more powerful& more able than my weakness.
His perfect love is unending... and it will cover a multitude of sin. I trust that He knows what He's doing& sees the beginning from the end, even when I can only see what is behind me& what is going on right at this moment.
And I trust that I can rest in Him. That I can stop worrying. That I can stop speculating. And that I can just jump in with both feet& expect Him to catch me, because He ALWAYS does.
These last 3 weeks have flown by like a whirlwind.
Busy workdays, not so busy workdays, errands, hanging out with my best girls, house-sitting for the Huethers while they were in Idaho, trying to maintain our entire house the following week while my parents were on a cruise, & trying to just stop and pause and think and process and reflect and spend time with Jesus and figure out what the heck I'm doing, what to expect, and what His vision is for my life.
I tell you: Whirlwind.
Honestly? I'm getting nervous. Wait. No. I've been nervous. I just haven't really expressed it to anyone in depth yet. I'm not afraid to move. But I am intimidated.
My entire world is about to change. Not that I'm not used to it. This is the third time this has happened in the last few years.
The first time was when I left home/America/my family to move to Spain to work at Mallorca Bible School when I was 19 years old.
The second time was when I moved from Spain back to California when I was 22. In 2 and 1/2 short years, Spain became my home, and the people at Mallorca Bible School& Santa Ponsa Community Church became my family. Leaving was harder than I ever imagined it would be, and I can't say that I didn't leave there without looking back several times, second-guessing myself, and wondering "what if?".
However, I got over the culture shock [3 months later, but, hey, 1 month of culture shock& "homesickness" per year I was in Spain isn't bad, right?], grew somewhat accustomed to living in America again, and became involved with my church as a youth leader, got a job, changed jobs twice, made friends-- some of the best friends I've ever had in my life-- started taking classes at CMC, started volunteering at the Way Station, and just really learned to live here& enjoy it.
And... Now I'm leaving again. I guess it's about time, though, right? I mean, it seems like I move every 3 years or so. Here, nearly 3 years after moving back to Yucca, I'm moving again. Luckily, I'm only moving a couple hours away [Okay, let's face it. Three hours with LA traffic].
I'm aware of the challenge this will be. But what intimidates me is that, although I'm trying to prepare myself with what to expect-- I have no idea what to expect.
I can't read a textbook & learn everything before I go.
First of all, there just isn't the time.
Second of all, my grandpa is not a textbook. He is a person and, while dementia, diabetes, and other problems can be found in books, nothing can tell me specifically how things will be with him except for living with my grandparents and learning& seeing those things from firsthand experience.
I've gotten a lot of feedback regarding my move to LA. I love hearing people's opinions and perspectives, because there is so much to learn from people. Still, it bums me out when people are so quick to cast harsh opinions, simply because they are unwilling to see life from a different perspective, or to think outside the box.
Yeah, I understand that moving is a big deal. I'm aware that nearly EVERYTHING in my life is going to change. New city, new home, new surroundings, new job, new friends, new church, new hobbies... even new grocery stores& coffee shops-- the places I frequent most!
But it's just kind of a bummer when people are quick to pity me simply because I'm moving.
I talked to some ladies the other day who said, "Oh.... Wow...... Well, I'm sure that will be good for them." It wasn't so much what they said as how they said it... With disdain. I'd expect more from "older women in the faith", but the truth is: What I'm doing is kind of seen as crazy. I guess.
When the thought very first crossed my mind to move& care for my grandparents, I sent an email to several of my closest, non-local friends, asking them to pray. I was even so bold as to ask them to not give me their opinions, because my mind was already swirling with about 500 "what ifs?". Luckily, I know these friends well enough to know that they wouldn't be offended by my request, but that they would indeed hit their knees and pray for me, and pray for God's will. That was the strongest, most immediate, most comforting support I received. And thank God I told them before I broke the news to anyone else, because their encouragement really stuck with me in the midst of people telling me that moving wasn't a good idea.
I am so, so, so thankful to have the most amazing friends in God's green earth.
Seriously. I don't know how I lucked out, but God has given me the absolute best family, and the most awesome friends. I'm a privileged girl.
And now I'm facing facts. I'm moving in 6 days. And a lot of the constants in my life will change.
And I'm intimidated and nervous and I think way too much. About everything.
Will I actually be a support to my grandparents? Will I be worth it? Will I know what I'm doing? Will I learn what to do? Will they appreciate me being there or think I'm just an added weight? What if I totally blow it& am a sucky caregiver? Why did I think I would be a good candidate for the job, since I have no prior experience? Too bad I never took nursing classes. Will I become a hermit? What if they don't like what I cook? How& where will I be able to meet new people and get involved in the community? Which church will I go to? Am I really ready to see my faults: my impatience, my over-independence, my frustration? How will I learn these things quickly& privately enough so that I don't ever hurt or offend my grandparents? Why can't I just snap my fingers and be immediately more like Jesus?
TOO. MANY. THOUGHTS.
I am reminded that being intimidated by my plans& my life cause me to run to Jesus& fall on my knees before Him. Intimidation causes me to realize, "My God-- I am not, but You are."
He IS. And because Jesus died to save me& to send the Holy Spirit to move through me, I am able to do this.
I can do all things-- literally everything-- through Jesus, because He gives me strength.
His grace is enough, and His strength is made perfect when I'm weak.
The Bible tells me to look to Jesus, who is the Author& Finisher of my faith. He has begun it, He will perfect it, and He will see each purpose/goal/plan to completion.
I'm a perfectionist. That means that I want to be perfect, & I'm disappointed in myself when I'm not.
But I'm not perfect. Never have been; never will be. The truth hurts. Haha.
That doesn't surprise God. He knows I'm not perfect, because He knows I'm not Him. While I will never, ever be perfect [or even close] while I'm alive on this earth, Jesus is the goal.
The goal is to see Him for who He is, to get to know Him better, to fall in love with Him, and to be more like Him.
The goal is to think of others' needs first so I can stop thinking about myself and what I want so dang much.
The goal is to be a woman who fears God, who lives with integrity, who acts& speaks with kindness, who is honest& loyal& who enjoys life because enjoying Jesus is paramount.
"I can't tell you exactly what your Page 23 vision will look like. Even if I could, I wouldn't.
Doing so would cheat you out of the opportunity to know Christ more deeply. Discovering God's vision for your life is one of the primary ways God teaches you about His character.
Seizing His big purpose for your life is not just about figuring out what God wants from you& getting down to business.
It's also about becoming intimately acquainted with who Jesus is.
It's about mining the depths of who you are in Him.
And, out of that revelation, you will fulfill the purpose that He put you on the earth to fulfill.
Accomplishing the impossible is all about seeing the invisible."
-Steven Furtick; Sun Stand Still: Page 23 Vision.
"I AM the vine, you are the branches.
He who abides in Me, and I in him, bears much fruit; for without Me you can do nothing."
-Jesus
So, I'm trusting Jesus. I'm trusting that His strength is more powerful& more able than my weakness.
His perfect love is unending... and it will cover a multitude of sin. I trust that He knows what He's doing& sees the beginning from the end, even when I can only see what is behind me& what is going on right at this moment.
And I trust that I can rest in Him. That I can stop worrying. That I can stop speculating. And that I can just jump in with both feet& expect Him to catch me, because He ALWAYS does.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
I'm moving... and my Spanish is about to get a lot better.
so, i’m moving in august. to LA. well, san pedro to be exact.
you see, my grandparents had a caregiver. and apparently she wasn't interesting in being very caregiving, so they had to let her go. i don't really care to get into the details, so i'll just leave that point where it is.
i guess the bottom-line comes down to this: they needed someone to take care of them, & i decided to go.
i prayed about it for about a month before i made the decision… when i heard about the situation that had gone on, my heart was seriously broken for them. i started praying about it immediately. i had actually thought about moving out there about 2 years ago to take care of them, but after really considering it, i decided not to.
i had my job here, and i was in school full-time at that point, and i just didn’t feel any sense of a need or an urgency to go, so i decided not to do it.
part of me wonders what would have happened if i had, and if this whole situation never would have happened. but i know that, at that point, it wasn’t time for me to go… so the answers to the questions of “what could have been” or “what if…” is not for me to try to figure out, because if i should have been there, i believe i would have been.
but that’s not how things turned out, so i leave that speculation in God’s hands, where it belongs.
all i know is that, this time, i immediately started praying about moving to san pedro. no one suggested the idea to me. my mom never brought it up or asked me to consider it.
no one in my family ever tried telling me i should move, or ever put a guilt trip on me to go.
honestly, i don’t know if it even crossed their minds.
about 2 weeks after everything went down, i told my mom that i’d been thinking about moving to LA to take care of my grandparents, and i just asked her to pray for me regarding the entire decision.
we talked about it, and i told her my main reasons:
#1) if i’m there, they’re safe. there is no way i’d ever hurt or betray them.
#2) if it is a family member taking care of my grandparents, all the rest of my family& my grandparents’ friends can rest easily.
#3) i speak spanish, so there’d be no cultural or language barrier. also, i speak english and could easily translate to my grandparents in the cases where their doctors/pharmacists are english-speaking.
#4) i’ve studied health& nutrition for the specific purpose of my grandpa’s health… it is one of the 3 reasons i became interested in pursuing nutrition to begin with, and even before i ever started taking classes, i had already done a year’s worth of research into diabetes, diabetic diets, and had bought a diabetes cookbook and begun trying out recipes.
#5) it gives me the opportunity to spend time with my grandparents, and to be there for them.
this may sound like the best or worst reason to some, but: my entire life, my grandparents have taken care of me. i never had or needed babysitters or daycares, because my grandparents [and other family members] WERE our babysitters.
they helped raise us.
when we moved to morongo, they bought a house on the next street over, so they could come visit for a week or two at a time and still see us-- especially since we were used to seeing them every day [& leaving them was the hardest part of moving away from LA in my 7 year old mind]. they have helped me in more ways than i can express, and they have provided for me in so many areas.
i feel that the least i can do is help them now. they have done more for me than i can ever repay them for. HOWEVER, me moving to become their caregiver isn’t a matter of “paying them back” out of a sense of guilt or obligation, but because i love them and appreciate them, and i want to be able to give them what i can, now that i can.
right now, that is my time, energy, strengths, efforts, & hospitality.
so many caregivers get into this business just because they need the money.
some truly do love their work, and they love the people they care for.
but no one-- and i mean NO ONE-- is ever going to love my grandparents as much as my family& i do. i’m doing this because it needs to be done, and i’m willing to rise to the challenge.
like i said, no one forced me to.
my grandma wouldn’t have ever asked me to, unless it was a drastic circumstance, because she’s very considerate of me& my plans& my social life. my mom wouldn’t have asked me to [although she may have prayed for me to realize it!], because she respects me as not only her daughter, but as an adult, and as an independent individual. honestly, if someone HAD asked me, i don’t know how i would have reacted. i probably would have been more or less turned off by the idea, because i think about myself a lot, and what’s best for me, and how decisions affect me.
luckily, God had already put the idea in my mind& the desire in my heart way before i even realized it. because, i think that even when i first thought about it and started praying about it and seeking His wisdom in the situation, it was already decided and determined by then.
no joke.
but God is so wonderful and so NOT overbearing that He gives and gave me the opportunity to consider it, to make my lists upon lists of ideas, pros& cons, fears, and excitements, and to come to a conclusion. a conclusion led and guided by Him, no doubt, but the freedom to choose regardless.
like an article i recently read in relevant magazine called "11 things to know at 25" said:
give your best to friends & family.
i know i’m not obligated to completely stop my life or my plans every time something comes up in my family, or any time there’s a family emergency. i can’t live my life by other people’s lives& standards, nor do i want to, nor am i trying to.
i just know that, in this instance, it IS right for me to give my best to my family by moving to LA to take care of them.
it’s something i am so completely confident in, because i know that i know that i know that i prayed about this for several weeks, and God told me i could make the decision.
when i did, i said, “okay… this is what i’m doing. i’m making up my mind to say yes. if that’s not what you want, feel free to stop me. and if it is what you want, just let me know, because i NEED to know.” and He said, “yes. this is right. now, go for it.”
and i know i will never, ever regret this decision. that is something that i’ve thought about, considered, analyzed, and overanalyzed from every possible angle i can muster. and, in every single scenario and from every perspective, there is never a sense of “well, crap… that was a sucky idea. i wish i’d never done that.” no matter how many years pass, i will never look at this season of my life and think, "wow. what a waste of my life. so many wasted years that i could have been using to further my career or my education."
[actually... moving will allow me to continue with school, at a school i actually want to attend...]
this is only going to last for a season. and, sadly, it most likely won’t even be a very prolonged one.
so… i’m going for it. i know what to expect.
generally.
i know to expect difficulty and challenges i’ve never been faced with before. i know to expect the fact that my grandpa is going to transform before my very eyes, and that he is going to become a man i’ve never known. my grandma is already experiencing that… then again, she knows him so much more, because she’s been married to him for 60 years. i don’t think it will be as much of a shock to me, because i’ve seen gradual changes over recent years& months.
still… i don’t know what to expect mentally. or emotionally. i know it will be really difficult to see my grandpa becoming more& more confused, and less acquainted with reality. it will be frustrating to have to repeat myself over and over, because he forgets within minutes what was said-- either because his memory is failing or he’s not listening... maybe both. :)
but i also know that this will be worth it.
He calls us to care for orphans& widows in their time of need. my grandma is not a literal widow, but she has already told me that the man she is living with is not the same man she married. she feels like a widow, being married to a complete stranger. and it will only become more apparent as his dementia progresses. i want to support her, and to lift some of the pressure off her by caring for my grandpa's physical needs that she can't do, because she doesn't have the strength or energy for this anymore.
if i will not sacrifice for my own family-- for two of the people i love most on this planet-- who will i sacrifice for?
it will most likely be the biggest challenge i have ever faced, but i also feel very privileged to be able to be with my grandparents, to help out however& whenever i can, and to know that they trust me with their lives. that's a BIG deal, and a big responsibility.
one thing i have on my side is Jesus Christ, His power, His presence, His peace, and His unfailing love. His unending patience. His inexplicable joy. and He is all i need to have on my side. He is all i need to get through the difficult stages. with Jesus, nothing is impossible. and i can do all things-- ALL things-- through Him, because He gives me strength. His grace is sufficient for me, and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
i will definitely need reminders, so please keep this email& read it back to me sometime. :)
and, believe me, i recognize my weakness. i recognize my under-qualifications. i recognize my impatience& selfishness.
but i also recognize His presence. His strength. and the strengths& abilities He has given me. and this is a beautiful partnership. when i am weak, He is strong. He has given me the gift of hospitality. i know that. i’ve known it for over 10 years. He has given me the need to help people, to be available, and to try to jump in where i can-- “helps” or whatever you want to call it. as a woman, He has designed within my nature the ability to nurture. that’s not to say it won’t be harder than anything i’ve ever done… but it’s possible. because He has created me with very specific traits that i believe He even put within me for this exact phase of my life. and the fact that i have a wonderful relationship with my grandparents& get along with them so well, & communicate with my grandma so naturally , and the simple fact that i have MISSED THEM so dang much makes me excited for this. i don’t have a mindset of, “well… someone has to do it, so i guess it has fallen to me.”
NO.
i don’t feel like i’m playing the martyr in this. not at all. i know i have MUCH to learn, from my grandparents, of myself and my own character flaws that need to go, and of the loving, compassionate, caring character of Jesus Christ, and letting Him change me. plus, my grandma is probably the most Christlike, Jesus-loving person i have ever met. no joke, she is like mother theresa with a fantastic sense of humor. i have so, so much to learn from her. she has so much wisdom to share, & she shares it like crazy. i enjoy spending time with my grandparents so much that, even though i know the difficulty& newness will be overwhelming or frustrating at times, i’m still excited about it!
nervous? yes.
unprepared? oh, you better believe it.
but when I move to san pedro, the first order of business is to go to the red cross and enroll in classes that teach you how to take care of the elderly. certain signs of what to beware of, how to pick them up if they fall, what to look for as far as vitamin deficiencies or other physical problems. i’m also going to start researching dementia now for the next month and a half before i go out there. i want to be as prepared as i can possibly be, and i’m going to talk to my grandpa’s doctors about any further information he can give me, training seminars or books he can recommend, and support groups i can join that are specifically for people who are dealing with dementia in the family.
i’m going to start trying out a whole bunch of those diabetic-friendly recipes on my family, so i can perfect them before i start cooking for my grandparents. i'm going to do more personal research into health& nutrition, with a focus on: elderly nutrition, dietary guidelines for type II diabetics, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, kidney disease, & organic juicing.
my grandparents don't even know it yet, but their kitchen is about to turn into an extension of whole foods+ jamba juice.
so… there you have it!
you see, my grandparents had a caregiver. and apparently she wasn't interesting in being very caregiving, so they had to let her go. i don't really care to get into the details, so i'll just leave that point where it is.
i guess the bottom-line comes down to this: they needed someone to take care of them, & i decided to go.
i prayed about it for about a month before i made the decision… when i heard about the situation that had gone on, my heart was seriously broken for them. i started praying about it immediately. i had actually thought about moving out there about 2 years ago to take care of them, but after really considering it, i decided not to.
i had my job here, and i was in school full-time at that point, and i just didn’t feel any sense of a need or an urgency to go, so i decided not to do it.
part of me wonders what would have happened if i had, and if this whole situation never would have happened. but i know that, at that point, it wasn’t time for me to go… so the answers to the questions of “what could have been” or “what if…” is not for me to try to figure out, because if i should have been there, i believe i would have been.
but that’s not how things turned out, so i leave that speculation in God’s hands, where it belongs.
all i know is that, this time, i immediately started praying about moving to san pedro. no one suggested the idea to me. my mom never brought it up or asked me to consider it.
no one in my family ever tried telling me i should move, or ever put a guilt trip on me to go.
honestly, i don’t know if it even crossed their minds.
about 2 weeks after everything went down, i told my mom that i’d been thinking about moving to LA to take care of my grandparents, and i just asked her to pray for me regarding the entire decision.
we talked about it, and i told her my main reasons:
#1) if i’m there, they’re safe. there is no way i’d ever hurt or betray them.
#2) if it is a family member taking care of my grandparents, all the rest of my family& my grandparents’ friends can rest easily.
#3) i speak spanish, so there’d be no cultural or language barrier. also, i speak english and could easily translate to my grandparents in the cases where their doctors/pharmacists are english-speaking.
#4) i’ve studied health& nutrition for the specific purpose of my grandpa’s health… it is one of the 3 reasons i became interested in pursuing nutrition to begin with, and even before i ever started taking classes, i had already done a year’s worth of research into diabetes, diabetic diets, and had bought a diabetes cookbook and begun trying out recipes.
#5) it gives me the opportunity to spend time with my grandparents, and to be there for them.
this may sound like the best or worst reason to some, but: my entire life, my grandparents have taken care of me. i never had or needed babysitters or daycares, because my grandparents [and other family members] WERE our babysitters.
they helped raise us.
when we moved to morongo, they bought a house on the next street over, so they could come visit for a week or two at a time and still see us-- especially since we were used to seeing them every day [& leaving them was the hardest part of moving away from LA in my 7 year old mind]. they have helped me in more ways than i can express, and they have provided for me in so many areas.
i feel that the least i can do is help them now. they have done more for me than i can ever repay them for. HOWEVER, me moving to become their caregiver isn’t a matter of “paying them back” out of a sense of guilt or obligation, but because i love them and appreciate them, and i want to be able to give them what i can, now that i can.
right now, that is my time, energy, strengths, efforts, & hospitality.
so many caregivers get into this business just because they need the money.
some truly do love their work, and they love the people they care for.
but no one-- and i mean NO ONE-- is ever going to love my grandparents as much as my family& i do. i’m doing this because it needs to be done, and i’m willing to rise to the challenge.
like i said, no one forced me to.
my grandma wouldn’t have ever asked me to, unless it was a drastic circumstance, because she’s very considerate of me& my plans& my social life. my mom wouldn’t have asked me to [although she may have prayed for me to realize it!], because she respects me as not only her daughter, but as an adult, and as an independent individual. honestly, if someone HAD asked me, i don’t know how i would have reacted. i probably would have been more or less turned off by the idea, because i think about myself a lot, and what’s best for me, and how decisions affect me.
luckily, God had already put the idea in my mind& the desire in my heart way before i even realized it. because, i think that even when i first thought about it and started praying about it and seeking His wisdom in the situation, it was already decided and determined by then.
no joke.
but God is so wonderful and so NOT overbearing that He gives and gave me the opportunity to consider it, to make my lists upon lists of ideas, pros& cons, fears, and excitements, and to come to a conclusion. a conclusion led and guided by Him, no doubt, but the freedom to choose regardless.
like an article i recently read in relevant magazine called "11 things to know at 25" said:
give your best to friends & family.
i know i’m not obligated to completely stop my life or my plans every time something comes up in my family, or any time there’s a family emergency. i can’t live my life by other people’s lives& standards, nor do i want to, nor am i trying to.
i just know that, in this instance, it IS right for me to give my best to my family by moving to LA to take care of them.
it’s something i am so completely confident in, because i know that i know that i know that i prayed about this for several weeks, and God told me i could make the decision.
when i did, i said, “okay… this is what i’m doing. i’m making up my mind to say yes. if that’s not what you want, feel free to stop me. and if it is what you want, just let me know, because i NEED to know.” and He said, “yes. this is right. now, go for it.”
and i know i will never, ever regret this decision. that is something that i’ve thought about, considered, analyzed, and overanalyzed from every possible angle i can muster. and, in every single scenario and from every perspective, there is never a sense of “well, crap… that was a sucky idea. i wish i’d never done that.” no matter how many years pass, i will never look at this season of my life and think, "wow. what a waste of my life. so many wasted years that i could have been using to further my career or my education."
[actually... moving will allow me to continue with school, at a school i actually want to attend...]
this is only going to last for a season. and, sadly, it most likely won’t even be a very prolonged one.
so… i’m going for it. i know what to expect.
generally.
i know to expect difficulty and challenges i’ve never been faced with before. i know to expect the fact that my grandpa is going to transform before my very eyes, and that he is going to become a man i’ve never known. my grandma is already experiencing that… then again, she knows him so much more, because she’s been married to him for 60 years. i don’t think it will be as much of a shock to me, because i’ve seen gradual changes over recent years& months.
still… i don’t know what to expect mentally. or emotionally. i know it will be really difficult to see my grandpa becoming more& more confused, and less acquainted with reality. it will be frustrating to have to repeat myself over and over, because he forgets within minutes what was said-- either because his memory is failing or he’s not listening... maybe both. :)
but i also know that this will be worth it.
He calls us to care for orphans& widows in their time of need. my grandma is not a literal widow, but she has already told me that the man she is living with is not the same man she married. she feels like a widow, being married to a complete stranger. and it will only become more apparent as his dementia progresses. i want to support her, and to lift some of the pressure off her by caring for my grandpa's physical needs that she can't do, because she doesn't have the strength or energy for this anymore.
if i will not sacrifice for my own family-- for two of the people i love most on this planet-- who will i sacrifice for?
it will most likely be the biggest challenge i have ever faced, but i also feel very privileged to be able to be with my grandparents, to help out however& whenever i can, and to know that they trust me with their lives. that's a BIG deal, and a big responsibility.
one thing i have on my side is Jesus Christ, His power, His presence, His peace, and His unfailing love. His unending patience. His inexplicable joy. and He is all i need to have on my side. He is all i need to get through the difficult stages. with Jesus, nothing is impossible. and i can do all things-- ALL things-- through Him, because He gives me strength. His grace is sufficient for me, and His strength is made perfect in my weakness.
i will definitely need reminders, so please keep this email& read it back to me sometime. :)
and, believe me, i recognize my weakness. i recognize my under-qualifications. i recognize my impatience& selfishness.
but i also recognize His presence. His strength. and the strengths& abilities He has given me. and this is a beautiful partnership. when i am weak, He is strong. He has given me the gift of hospitality. i know that. i’ve known it for over 10 years. He has given me the need to help people, to be available, and to try to jump in where i can-- “helps” or whatever you want to call it. as a woman, He has designed within my nature the ability to nurture. that’s not to say it won’t be harder than anything i’ve ever done… but it’s possible. because He has created me with very specific traits that i believe He even put within me for this exact phase of my life. and the fact that i have a wonderful relationship with my grandparents& get along with them so well, & communicate with my grandma so naturally , and the simple fact that i have MISSED THEM so dang much makes me excited for this. i don’t have a mindset of, “well… someone has to do it, so i guess it has fallen to me.”
NO.
i don’t feel like i’m playing the martyr in this. not at all. i know i have MUCH to learn, from my grandparents, of myself and my own character flaws that need to go, and of the loving, compassionate, caring character of Jesus Christ, and letting Him change me. plus, my grandma is probably the most Christlike, Jesus-loving person i have ever met. no joke, she is like mother theresa with a fantastic sense of humor. i have so, so much to learn from her. she has so much wisdom to share, & she shares it like crazy. i enjoy spending time with my grandparents so much that, even though i know the difficulty& newness will be overwhelming or frustrating at times, i’m still excited about it!
nervous? yes.
unprepared? oh, you better believe it.
but when I move to san pedro, the first order of business is to go to the red cross and enroll in classes that teach you how to take care of the elderly. certain signs of what to beware of, how to pick them up if they fall, what to look for as far as vitamin deficiencies or other physical problems. i’m also going to start researching dementia now for the next month and a half before i go out there. i want to be as prepared as i can possibly be, and i’m going to talk to my grandpa’s doctors about any further information he can give me, training seminars or books he can recommend, and support groups i can join that are specifically for people who are dealing with dementia in the family.
i’m going to start trying out a whole bunch of those diabetic-friendly recipes on my family, so i can perfect them before i start cooking for my grandparents. i'm going to do more personal research into health& nutrition, with a focus on: elderly nutrition, dietary guidelines for type II diabetics, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, kidney disease, & organic juicing.
my grandparents don't even know it yet, but their kitchen is about to turn into an extension of whole foods+ jamba juice.
so… there you have it!
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Go Pack Go!
If at all possible... this video makes me love Aaron Rodgers even more.
He's humble enough to take credit AND give credit where credit is due, he's funny, & he doesn't bash Favre when given the chance. I love.
Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=rK6nkWae07w
Between looking at photos of the Packers' ring ceremony, watching YouTube videos of Aaron Rodgers', Clay Matthews', & Donald Driver's post-Super Bowl interviews, watching Invictus [yeah, yeah, I know it's a rugby film... but it reminds me of football], & knowing I'm getting a GB jersey for my birthday, I CANNOT WAIT FOR FOOTBALL SEASON!
Seriously... If this NFL lockout lasts, I'm going to be so completely disappointed.
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