Ezra.

i love this boy so much.
i miss him like you would not believe.

Indescribable.

Jesus, You are beautiful beyond description... Too marvelous for words.

I just got back from a fun, adventure-filled, week-long trip to Colorado.
Crisanta is the best... She's as spontaneous as I am, and willing to have "fly by the seats of our pants" days, not planning anything but just going& doing as our curiosity and interests are piqued. So many people need schedules and itineraries.
I just need a list of places I want to visit& things I want to do, and I decide what to do as I go.

The trip was SO MUCH FUN, and so unbelievably beautiful that there were a few times when I was literally speechless. Anyway, I've always known that I prefer being outside than inside, but I was reminded over& over of how much I really just love being outdoors. Being outside in the middle of God's creation just does something to a person. Its like it awakens this sense of knowing God more personally, because You see His design and His personal touches... like being able to recognize the work of a certain artist or architect or musician, because of the familiarity in style. Being in Colorado just made me think so, so much about God, about His creation, and why He created this world and everything in it.


Sometimes I just can't stand it anymore and have to be outside... The colder, the better!
Tonight after church, I drove to a spot in the desert that has a fantastic view. I put my seat back, rolled the windows down, and stared at the stars and the silhouettes of the mountains and just reflected on what God has done for me, and what He is currently doing. I have a lot of questions, a lot of unknowns, and would just like some clarity on things... Yet, regardless of the unknowns and the "wait"s and the things that I haven't the slightest clue on what to expect, one thing I know is the love of God.

Something God has been speaking to me so clearly lately is how He loves us.
"When all of a sudden I am unaware of these afflictions, eclipsed by glory. I realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me. Oh, how He loves us so! Oh, how He loves us... How He loves us so!"

God loves us so much. He loves me. He loves me as if I were the only person in the world, because He loves so perfectly that no one has to compete for His love... it is complete. This fact is absolutely true, but also so difficult for me to fathom.

God, You have been speaking to me so much lately about how You love me... Oh, how You love me! I can't grasp it-- its too much to comprehend. The thought--the fact-- that You love me, that You cherish me, that You delight in me. In me. And I know that its right. I know that I don't need to hide behind my past mistakes and failures and weaknesses and remind You of them, as though to convince You not to love me so much, because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve it. But You give freely. You gave Your Son, and He gave His life, so that I could know You, love You, enjoy You, worship You, and live for You... and so you could know and love me, and make me more like Yourself and allow me to experience true joy, wholeness, and validation through who You are and what You do.

"My heart turns violently inside of my chest and I don't have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way He loves us... Oh, how He loves us!!!!"

I can't even explain it. I can't put it into words without writing for hours or days. But thank You for understanding what I mean when I can't even speak. You know what You do in me. You know how You work that, and how it affects me. My heart turns violently inside of my chest, in a good way-- with a sense of passion and determination to know You more; to love You more. Driving home today, I was thinking so much of people in other countries who need healthcare, clean water and wells, good sources of food that can be easily found in their climates, shoes& clothing, and, most importantly, the understanding of Your truth& love. I don't know if that means I'm going to find myself living in another country. I don't know if that means I'm going to find myself living in Colorado, occasionally/regularly visiting other countries or areas that need this type of help, or even equipping people to be able to go places and help with these types of organizations.

It doesn't matter... I want to live in Colorado, but I want more than anything else to follow You, to live for You, and to be wherever You place me. If that means I live in one place for a very long time and settle down, great. If it means I move around a lot and stay in a sense of transience, cool. I definitely care about what You do in my life, but I'm not concerned about the details... I'm willing to do whatever You want me to, wherever that is, for however long You see fit. I just want to follow You and to be living for You-- not "as best as I know how" because that isn't going to get me anywhere... but as much as You lead and enable me to. I can't do life on my own, nor do I ever want to do life apart from You.

You are truly enough.
You are everything, and You are not simply promient, but preeminent.
I don't want You to merely be part of my life, but my very life, breath, and movement.
I want You to be my entire life, to guide me in that, and to show me how to live.
I don't want to get caught up in religiosity, rules, regulations, and legalism, because those things can inhibit love and compassion. I want to be like Jesus, to see people through His lens, and to love people in a way that is worthy of Him... I identify myself in You, calling myself a "Christian", and I want to be like You and show people a correct example of Your heart toward us.

You have done so, so much for me, and I just want to thank You for it and show my appreciation by being exactly who You have created me to be and doing what You have orchestrated for me to take part in. My life is meant to worship You. I can worship You through work, school, hobbies, interests, strengths, goals, relationships, and so much more.
It isn't confined to only a weekly church service, but what I do throughout the week with what You've taught& built up in me.

You deserve glory, honor, praise, and thanksgiving. Please show me how to live a life that gives back to You, and back to people. My life is not my own. Its not simply about me and mine and my plans or goals.
Degrees and salaries and titles aren't bad, negative, or wrong, but they also aren't what I should ever live for; putting my hope, trust, and primary focus in. You are #1. ALWAYS.

Remind me to look to You. It is not enough for me to run my plans past You and hope for a stamp of approval... I want to be led by You, to be directed by You, to be walking in perfect synchronization with You-- not getting in front of You, but following immediately behind You.

Thank You for loving me-- and especially for loving me the way You do. You have inscribed me on the palms of Your hands... the place where we write things we want to remember. Thank You for thinking of me, and for wanting to think about me. You are concerned with everything that concerns me, no matter how insignificant it may be. Even those details I consider unnecessary and never tell people, You know about them, and You surprise me in the best ways by answering prayers I never prayed or by giving gifts I never asked for, but wanted to.

"How do You do it-- find the love You give me? I can't find language... All I can say is, "Hallelujah!"

Discipline.

There are some days when I feel that my mind is being put through the wringer.
Today is one of those days.
So I pray and pray, read, and pray some more.

I am so incredibly glad to love& be loved by a God who is so concerned with everything that concerns me, and who is willing to listen as I talk to Him for hours, but who is also not silent. I used to think He was silent, sometimes. But I KNOW that I know that He is not silent, nor is He distant, nor is He checked out or disinterested. Those thoughts are lies from an enemy who is threatened by the fact that God speaks as much today as He did in Bible times. God answers. He speaks. Not audibly& not usually the way I'd expect, but the way He knows is most perfect. He has shown me that, He has promised that, and He has proven that He loves me, He cares, and He is faithful. ALWAYS.

Even on my faithless days and in my faithless moments.
I don't always see what He is doing, and I don't always see the "why" but I TRUST HIM. Completely. God is worthy of my trust& confidence. I find comfort in Him, because He has proven (even in the most difficult situations & painful situations) that He alone brings true, authentic, lasting comfort. Not merely a band-aid. Not a crutch. Not a distraction. But healing, strength, restoration, and real comfort.

So even on days when my mind is unexpectedly spinning, God's grace& Jesus' promises& the power of the Holy Spirit enable me to do what I know I can: to take thoughts captive, to make them submissive to Jesus, and to practice discipline.

"So You cradle him like You cradle me and whisper, "I AM."
-My Epic

Decisions.

I'm making a lot of them.
I think 2011 is going to bring a lot of changes...and a few of them seem to be happening all at once. Its definitely exciting & something I have been praying & waiting for, but I also know changes are some of the biggest stressors in life: moving, getting a new job, changing your major, getting married, having a baby. At least not all of those apply to me! Haha.

Still, regardless of size or intensity, I'm just glad for the changes. I see change. I feel change. It is in my crosshairs, so to speak-- so close I can nearly grasp it.
I can't wait to see what this year brings, & I hope this is the first of many trips, airport experiences, & new adventures that is to come.
I must say: I've been waiting for this.